Fool

“Only a fool let’s someone they love walk out of their life but a true idiot is the one that hasn’t realized they’re the only one left in the room”. Kimberly

Fever

Another day of total body rejection, yes my body has rejected me for the 8th day in a row.Uncontrollable abdominal and intestinal cleansing does not make for a happy person. Everytime I crawl past a mirror I hear another crack as illness controls me and I accomplish nothing. I have cleaned up my own waste from various locations including the ceiling. 

I have an asshole that shoots like a projectile when I am ill, yes disquesting  but the truth, I am literally crawling to the bathroom and would pay a million dollars for a cork to shove up my ass.  It’s days like these that I do wish I had someone in my life to “just be there” for some reason it seems to make me feel a little better to know there is someone that cares.

I do not do well with illness, no not one bit as I do not have the time to spare to get well, life moves to fast to waste time being ill but I think it’s a way for us to slow down and be more directed and methodical in our actions. I am a pure bitch on wheels when I am not in control of my body, yes I rip people’s heads off, call them not nice names and I am just a mean person. I don’t  care about my appearance and dont bother to even brush my hair which requires to much effort.

The one thing that does make me feel better is a bubble bath, bubble baths are a pure delight to me and then crawling into a king size bed with clean sheets is so fucking erotic feeling it turns me on just to think about it. The main problem I seem to have is getting into my bed, it’s so tall and I’m so short, not a good combination at all, I literally have to slide out of my bed waiting for my feet to hit the floor and of course one of my puppies has put something in my way to step on or my shepherd wont move. I enjoy the feeling of my naked, damp body on clean sheets and the clean smell of myself.

I do not enjoy feeling dirty and find it repulsive, yet I do not mind getting dirty. I am not a woman that spends an hour putting on makeup and doing my hair. Women that find investing time into their own vanity tend to want complete focus on themselves at all times. I am not an unattractive woman and find makeup to be used as an enhancer instead of a cover up.

I’m the woman that goes fishing and has no problem with fish eyes smeared on her face as I put no value into beauty. Beauty is unique to each and everyone of us and what one sees as attractive another sees as unattractive.  I like shit, ya I like shit that is simple, bbq’s, fishing, sunsets, a good book, nascar, campfires and marshmallows. I enjoy my rv because it is my refuge from the world, it’s not fancy but it gives me a sense of self and allows me exploration of the depth of my soul. 

I cannot say I do not get lonely at times but it’s well worth it to wake up to a new day surrounded by hummingbirds and the crickets morning song. This is perfection to me, the perfect place to be to find myself and be left alone by others.

This was my haven that I so badly had wanted to share with him but new that waiting for him was as stupid as canning a fart and thinking I would become a millionaire. He wanted to hurt me, a man wanting to hurt a woman is no man at all and I had been there for him so many times. He was an ass to actually post questions on how to hurt someone, that was just plain fucked up. 

I never seize to amaze him with the knowledge I have about him and have randomly shared what I do know. I really liked him when he was poor, black and living in a third world country. Then I accidently discovered his true identity which was a total turn off. He was no different then the “others”, those that think wealth and fame are paramount in life. He couldn’t survive in this world penniless and hungry like I have been, yet he played the part which was nauseating.

I could literally destroy him with a bit of effort but why? There was no point as he had destroyed himself and was rebuilding his life and I assume he thought I was going to be there in the end. I would not be and I wouldn’t fuck him with Frankies dick and my son told me the reason he fucks with me is because he can, now that is fucked up. My son told me to cut all contact, which I had but he still turned up and would never go away. I so wish he would find himself a woman that would occupy his mind other than myself.

The end of May was what I was waiting for when I could go to my rv and get away from neighbors, phones and tv. I watch movies all winter and rarely turn the tv on in the summer, unless it is raining. He would never have the nerve to show up at my rv so I never even gave a thought to that and he was no longer on my fb friends list. When I dump you from fb then consider yourself dumped.

I didn’t envy his life even though he had experienced so much and I actually felt sorry for him at times. You know the story of the poor little rich girl, that was him in a shell except he was male. I know longer believed anything he attempted to say to me and he needed to wake up and realize not only was I not marriage material, I wasn’t girlfriend material either.

I so enjoyed fucking with his mind and leading him on to believe things that were so far from the truth. I had lead him to believe I was bisexual when in fact I was not but I loved to throw a twist in his thinking. I had conversations with him that were so real his mind was blown at the thought of my sexuality, I am as straight as a crooked arrow, I enjoy sexual experimentation but do not make it a way of life. I am not a woman that would be made to feel complete by another female but the occasion exploration  was unique in itself.