I finally got my social security check and can pay the bills, the electric was going to be shut off tomorrow and no I was not going to ask for his help. Then my son decides he’s a big “pusherman” and takes all the fucking money I have and gives it to his fucking “dealer”, who of course got pulled over for speeding and now I AM FUCKED, SO GODDAMN FUCKED, he started to tell me about his buddy being pulled over for speeding but neglected to tell me the part that involved ME. I don’t deal with punks and had my cash and that’s all I cared about but then the fucker tells me he went in my purse and took all my money and gave it to them!!!!!!! GODDAMN, GODDAMN, GODDAMN so I slapped him and almost punched him in the face.
He started crying like a baby and said he was going to go kill himself and ran out the door. It’s a damn good thing he’s going to do it before I do but now he’s got me in the same frame of mind as I look at the bottle of painkillers and xanax and I feel nothing. I feel not one goddamn emotion but I do wonder what evil I have done to live with such karma, it is time to go lie on the bed with my bottles and water and pray for eternal peace.
I have access to the resources I need but I will not sell myself to anyone at any price and my children are killing me slowly but today, today was the last nail in my coffin. My own child has smothered me because he knows it the fuck all. Fucking punks all of them think they know so much about weed, fucking assholes don’t realize they are know not a mother fucking thing, weed by any other name is weed, the scientific is genus and you are not fucking “cool” because you now know the word trichomes but the little fuckers think they are now all knowing.
Everything changes yet stays the same and life is a complete circle, it just continues to go around in different shades of the same color. This is true with everything in life from weed to clothes, what I wore in high school is now becoming fashionable again, I smoked weed in high school and this time around it’s sold as Sativa and Indica same shit, scientific name. So here I sit without an ounce of hope or weed and not anyone in site that loves me, because I have pushed them away and for their own good. I am toxic and the level seems to rise daily and I have gotten on my knees crying into my couch asking God what did I do that was so evil to bring so much pain upon myself? What?
I just completely lost it, destroyed a 52″ tv I don’t fucking care my husband bought it, at this point I am more of a burden to this earth than someone that can change the world. I cannot change today, this moment in time or stop the wheels my son has put in motion. I do not want to die, I just do not want to live anymore for what my son has done is to reach into my chest with scissor hands and cut out my heart, watched it beat and crushed it. The pain I feel at this very moment is deeper and darker then any I have ever felt, the betrayal of my own child makes me puke and which I had ripped out my own womb before he had been born.
This is what my husband has left me with, he ruined my son and I am left to try to recover what is left and I am not doing so well, why the fuck didn’t that bastard die after Ryan was born? Why was he given enough years to do unremarkable damage and then go his merry fucking way? Tell me, someone please? Do not even recommend a priest, those pedophilia mother fuckers I have no use for and my son feels like I violated him, fuck him in his eyes I’m just the dumbass mom and he the wise one, he is not the man of the house, hell he doesn’t know what a man it. Just because you have a cock makes not a man, I am more of a man then my husband could of ever thought of being the only thing I dont have is a cock, which could easily be obtained and strapped on.