Water Colors in the Rain

The power of the universe is a reminder of how weak I truly am, I have no more dreams, wishes or hopes as I made the mistake of painting them with watercolors in the rain. May God give me the strength and wisdom  to give to those less fortunate, those that are homeless and those that suffer from the hardest of illnesses to live with, mental illness. I wait for my angel to come wipe away my tears and take hold of my hand and together we take flight to a gentler world and gentler time.

 

The Greatest Loss of All

Today is Mother’s Day and my children are not here, they have been taken by the state because they say I am an unfit mother. My son has chosen to lie and point fingers at me instead of taking responsibility for his actions. I sat in jail from Friday at 3:30 p.m. to Saturday 3:30 p.m because I slapped him. I slapped him because he stole from me, he stole from us, he stole what little we had to survive on. He claims he stole the money to purchase weed so he could contribute $200.00 a month to the bills.

He has had wads of money in his pocket and told me he sold his xbox games and “stuff”, my own ignorance didn’t open it’s eyes and see that “stuff” was illegal and put  my daughter and myself ,at jeopardy as well as himself. The ironic thing is we are without food, money to pay bills or put gas in the car yet my daughter gladly gave up $5.00 so we could get bread and milk, while my son said he would “loan” me the money. Where have I gone wrong?

I will never see my son again as long as I shall live and this is fact, I am not allowed to talk to him, see him or be within 500 ft. of him all because I slapped him. Would I do it again knowing the outcome? Damn right I would, I didn’t slap him to inflict pain but to engage common sense in his brain. He threw me under bus and now he gets to watch me be splattered across the pavement. It was not enough for him to watch his father do it to me, he had to repeat it as if he were my judge and jury.

My children consume my very existence but today, today my son has turned on me like a cotton mouth during dog days. He has done the unthinkable, unimaginable and has committed the truly shocking act of destroying his mother and now I wonder why I didn’t rip out my very own womb before his birth. Why would my own child do these things to me? Simple, because it’s always easier to blame others for our mistakes then to take hold of them and own them. Well, he is going to own more then he ever imagined and I cannot stop the wheels he greased and put in motion.

It is not enough for him to know that I have lost my entire family in the last five years and have had no time to grieve, no that is of no consequence to him as he is a child and cannot see beyond himself at this age. He says he does not believe in God and finds it funny to show me negative God posts on facebook, I find this nauseating. He could be in a foster home in Detroit if I would not have allowed him to stay with a friend, but even my friends do not want him as they cannot trust him, this is a hard pill to swallow as I did not raise him to be who he is today.

I look at him and see such monumental self hatred and I cannot help him, I cannot help myself right now.  The very people that are suppose to help me have given me no help and accused me of turning down what they have offered, which is absolutely nothing, nada, not a damn thing. They chose to assume he tells nothing but the truth, the whole truth in it’s entirety when this is as far from the truth as it can be. There will be no birthday celebrations, quiet moments together, sharing our feelings and love, no there will be no more days like that as he put the last nail in my coffin and a boulder on top.

I have chosen not to fight for my son but to let the state take him as I do not have the resources to help him and I am trapped in my own dispair. I am but one person that is expected to have the strength of all men and the wisdom of God, I am expected to leap tall buildings and move mountains, I am expected to be the perfect woman, mother, friend, lover and enemy. I am none of these but what I do know is I am an artist that defines myself as I paint the picture of my life. One day that picture will reflect all the beauty I carry within and the colors of the rainbow will brighten the canvas.

 

 

Time

“Time is not infinite, time will not wait for anyone and if in your heart lies the lyrics of  a love song and you do not let the instruments of  your life play your tune, time will indeed pass you by and the love that could have been yours will be but a memory.” Kimberly