Set Free

It’s time to set you free, Billy, Margie, Grandma, Bob and Dad-I’m setting you free, please do not worry about me I will always be ok and besides you are distracting me as I am on a mission from God. 

This isn’t goodbye, this is a “see ya later” but for now I have to let you go and focus on me- 

Shut the Fuck Up

Shut the fuck up and listen to me, I do know what is best for me and you are part of that but Ms. Kimberly is tilted on one axis and trying to do a balancing act. There can never be an us until there is a “me” again and I am returning in a new form. A much wiser person with so much less pain, I will be able to open my heart to you and accept your love as that is a problem I have, letting others love me. 

So shut the fuck up and hold tight my love because we are going on a secret carpet ride, yes we are and you know what? It’s going to be a beautiful ride that both of us have waited for, for so long.

I will make you a deal, a fair deal – If you let me love you I promise I will let you love me

Now it’s my turn to shut the fuck up- 

Want to Know a Secret? Promise Not to Tell?

Pillow over head, nose slowly poking it’s way out and one eye sneaking a peek, sniff, sniff-I do not smell danger and all is clear. I can finally sing the song of the love I have for him in my heart. Yes, I admit it and I am standing naked to the world declaring the love I have for this man. I pushed and pushed and when he still wasn’t far enough away I got the bulldozer out and shoved him over the cliff. It had to be done not only for me but for him as well. He makes me crazy even though I already am he makes me insanely crazy as I have never loved to this depth and it’s pretty damn deep let me tell you.

Will he ever be in my arms? Between my thighs? Take up residence in my mind? HELL YES, HELL YES

 

You’re a Sly One Mr. Grinch

I am a very giving person but when greedy people are around me it makes me physically ill, my body cannot tolerate what my mind cannot comprehend and I cannot comprehend greed. Watch out below is all I have to say as the boom is lowering rather quickly. I got a copy of my dad’s death certificate, deed to the house and will get is income tax return tomorrow, tsk tsk one should never fool with the IRS and when you sign documents stating your the executor of an estate and sign tax returns and you have not filed any legal docs to have yourself appointed as executor, well then you have committed one major no no where the IRS is concerned. Time to drop a dime baby, yep it’s time to take her down like the Edmund Fitzgerald and down she is going to go just as quickly.

She’s been traveling like crazy spending money like water and it’s going to come to an abrupt halt within the next two weeks, I’m filing as executor of my dad’s estate because, o well she decided to spend his money instead of taking care of business. Once I have that little piece of paper, off I will head to the bank and close the accounts, hire movers, empty the house, hire a safe cracker and get the bags of gold bouillon my dad has, silver and gold – silver and gold what people so adore.

While she is whale watching in Alaska the house will be emptied out and a lock slapped on the door with a condemned sign and she will return to nothing, nada but trash and filth that she has lived in with my dad for 40 yrs. He flat out told her he would never build her a home because she refused to clean the one they had, she’s a pig and she stole from my great grandmother. My grandmother had to fly in from out of state to take back my great grandmother’s checkbook because Doris was emptying the account every month.

If there is a scumbag on this earth they somehow end up in my backyard don’t you know and this woman is no exception. She preyed on the elderly like a bedbug – being all nicey nice and talking them out of their possessions, she is nothing but a curb turd and it’s all coming back on her now as it does when we do not so nice things to others. You cannot do harm to others and think it will not come back on you because it does, yes it always does and in my case no good deed has gone unpunished.

When you know someone really well it’s easy to push their buttons, manipulate them and control a situation to your advantage, welcome to my new foyer-blood is thicker than water and I spoke to my sister letting her know that she had inheritance coming but Doris had no intention of giving her a dime. I hung that out their like a carrot and my little wabbit went for it like I knew she would. Money is all my sister lives for because she has no love in her life and never will. All of her lesbian lovers have dumped her which is a telltale sign in itself and I told her today, Debbie you have a beautiful home and possessions but you have not an ounce of love in your life and never will, so enjoy the money honey.

She has kept my inheritance from me from my grandmother and she has no clue how many zeros are behind my dads name, this is going to be interesting very interesting indeed. She and I will be meeting for her to sign off and let me file to be executor, she doesn’t have a clue about my dads assets or locations but guess the fuck what? I do, yes I do mam and thank you very much for being a greedy, selfish, self absorbed bitch. I have weaved quite a nice web and my sister has been trapped in it exactly where I want her, she doesn’t have the time to deal with the estate crap as she is fighting me in Florida still and she is running out of money which has lead her to return my phone call Godspeed.

I’m going to take my dad’s money and put some away for my kids and then I’m going to Children’s Hospital and find the parents that don’t have the money to prolong the life of their dying child and I will gladly pay all their medical bills so they can have just one more day with their baby. It makes no never mind to me because the more you give away the more that comes your way, it’s universal law and who runs the universe? GOD that is who, and the old saying “what goes around comes around” was coined by GOD you don’t want to believe, that is all well and good but just look at your life past experiences and you will see it is true.

What you send out is what you attract and I have been sending out negativity for years which is apparent by the series of unfortunate events that have occurred in my life. I have finally realized what is holding me back and it’s grief and lots of anger that has built up over 53 yrs but since 94′ there has been a complete new book of anger written, titled “Marriage Doomed” by Kimberly. I am faithful as the day is long, honest as most could never even think of being and when you flip the plate over you will find that I’m a mean ass wolverine when need be. I have too much resentment against the dead and have to bury it with the tulip bulbs that I will plant this week around his headstone.

I’m taking all this pain, anger, hurt and guilt and turn these emotions into cremations and hold them in my hands and sacrifice them to God and start to gently blow and build up my breath until I can blow them away like the power of Zeus. I miss my brother, aunt, grandmother, husband and father but they are gone and I have to let them fly because I know they have come back and watched over me from time to time. I know their love didn’t die with their bodies and besides my husband never loved me the way a man and wife should.

These are things I am finally facing and accepting help from others with, I was so damn stupid to think that April 26th was the beginning of a new life and I had grieved. Surely you jest you foolish woman as you haven’t had time to grief and now, yes only now am I finally able to admit I cannot handle this by myself. You can have a wall full of Ph.d’s but if you haven’t lived the loss you cannot help someone who has, it’s just not possible because you cannot relate to their pain.

I’ve been doing the grieving counseling thing for the last six months which has left me feeling like I was on a treadmill, she can’t understand the depth of such pain as she has never experienced loss. I talk to a 37 yr. old woman and all I want to do is breast feed her. She hasn’t lived enough to counsel me, it’s just not possible. She is a nice girl but I don’t need nice I need someone who can relate and I think I may have found the group that will help me release the death demons that wonder in the darkest corners of my mind.