Love is one of the mysteries of life, people say they love from the heart but the truth is we love from our minds and the heart gets involved when our pulse raises and speeds up the heart.
I have said over and over that I am giving up on love but that is like cutting your finger off with a band saw and going back and cutting off your arm, it makes no damn sense what so ever.
I cannot give up on love because I have to much love to give and will one day make someone very happy and myself hopefully. People do not believe me when I say I have only been in love once in my life and that was at thirteen. It is the truth until three years ago.
I fell deeply, madly, crazy in love with someone and he still haunts me to this day. I should have walked away when I had the chance but nope didn’t do it and ended up getting burned beyond recognition. The funny thing is we have never met and I truthfully do not know what he really looks like, lol.
I think I know who he is but am not sure and cannot be because he refuses to be honest with me or come out from behind the bushes. If he is who I think he is I feel sorry for the poor bastard. He is looked upon as the great ….. and he isn’t seen for who he really is.
One’s fame can damage them severely in so many different ways and he is no exception. He has giving up so much to do what he loves and yet people think he is some sort of God, which he is not. Attractive? that depends who you ask, ask the girls and they will squeal like pigs yes, yes, yes. Ask him, and he will reply something like I’m ok but not the most handsome man as he is not stuck on himself and isn’t able to be.
Some people fall in love with the mirror but he doesn’t because when you see yourself as yourself you do not fall into vanity. I am not beautiful nor am I unattractive but have enough to get me through each day without screaming when I walk by a mirror.
I have accepted my own individuality because I am unique and not afraid to own it. I am not of this decade or mind set and never will be. I am old school and proud of it, the lady that cooks for her man, cleans up after him and caters to him. Not because of the expectation but because it gives me pleasure to give him pleasure.
Loving someone means to accept them in their entirety, one does not change them or expect change, one does not want what they cannot give and one does not direspect them yet want respect.
Love is aunique gift all of us want but I want to receive as well as give it and I do not want a lopsided relationship with anyone. I am a forceful woman that needs to be put in my place from time to time, which of course hurts me but hell I need it.
I jump around emotionally because of what I am trying to heal from but that should be expected from myself and accepted by myself. I piss myself off on a regular basis because I hate weakness especially in myself. I expect so much from others because I expect so much from myself and I fail myself quite often.
I will never give up on love but will try to hang on to a dream of love with someone else who hides in the bushes. I will no longer continue to damage myself by falling for ignorant men like I once did in my youth and now I have learned from this man that I do not have to settle because I am worth so much more.
He was my best friend that I could talk to and trusted and I have never betrayed him and never will as that is not me. He made me feel safe and secure even though we were miles apart. He made me feel self worth and self assurance, he made me feel pretty and lovable, he made me feel so many things about myself that I have never felt before.
It saddens my heart that he is not in my life and never will be but I do pray for him daily and hope he is happy and safe. I hope he is healthy and eats and rests, I hope he finds the love he so badly needs.
I love this man and always will because he has helped shape me into the person I am at this hour. I have learned much from him and he will never know but he changed my life in negative ways but more postive ways then I can say.
He is an angel put on this earth to protect me yet he does not know it, and I am here to protect him and I have tried. I have tried to search him out on the net and found things that could hurt him and have let him know.
I am glad he is getting older and values himself for himself instead of what is expected from society. I would hope he never changes for anyone or any position in life.
I love his long hair, his eyes are so bright and his smile so inviting, his body is beautiful as well but I won’t go into how beautiful because that is private and for me alone, thank you, some things I just don’t share.
I think of him and I smile because I just smile.