When All Else Fails Eat A BLT

 

I have been running all morning trying to get the supplies I need to make repairs around the house, I have ripped out the carpeting in the living room of the basement and have the bedroom to go. I am not strong enough to carry the pieces out and the John Deere is broke down again so I used a rope and the car, sometimes a woman has no choice but to look at other ways to do things that they are not strong enough to do themselves.

Another day of packing up Bob’s things and I just don’t feel right about throwing things out, it’s as if I am throwing him out and it bothers me, a lot. The kids don’t want to keep anything of their dads and that also bothers me as one day they will want something of his but I do not know what. My daughter wants his cribbage board and I have no clue where that is and never did learn how to play but she wants to play again. The kids and their dad used to play at the kitchen table and I would watch from the living room, all of them laughing and having a great time which was rare as he just didn’t have any interest in life with the family any longer.

tomorrow is going to be a rough day and I am already thinking about getting drunk and I do not drink, it would have been eighteen years we were married and it’s hard to accept that he is gone. He made my life hell when I filed for divorce but I can understand now that he did love me but we were never in love and that is what I am looking for-the wonderful feeling of being in love. I don’t know if I am the only person at my age that desires that feeling or if they just want to love someone which is not the same.

I will be making strawberry rhubarb pie today as I do like it but Bob never did and I am finally cooking and baking foods I like and haven’t made for years. My daughter asked me where I learned to make fried potatoes and onions and I told her “girl, your grandma from the south” and I also told her they don’t make that type of food in culinary arts school. I have taught the kids how to check corn for sweetness, peel back the husk and take a bite of it raw and you will find out if it’s fresh and sweet or old and starchy. It’s little things like that you don’t learn in school or from most people as they do not understand knocking on a watermelon that sounds hollow is a sweet melon and one that sounds like a thud when knocked isn’t sweet.

I am very lonely and sad but life goes on and there is no one that cares about my life but me and my kids and I have learned to live that way for over a year and until I die. I am not an easy person to love because most do not understand me as I am like a pink horse, you never see them and when you do you don’t know what to think. I am not pretty but not ugly either, I do not have perky titties as they hang from breast-feeding my children, I am not thin but healthy and I am not wealthy by choice as I have taken care of my financial needs and my children’s and given everything else away as there are people who need more than I do.

My father would not have approved of my choice of how I disposed of his money because he enjoyed just watching it grow and grow and he rarely spent a dime. It seems I cannot please anyone so as far as I am concerned my efforts have gone unnoticed and when all else fails, I just stopped and made myself a blt and looked at my life as a bystander on the street. I have no pity for myself as I am not that way and yes I break down quite frequently out of frustration and pissed at myself for not being able to accomplish more on my own. One day, yes one day I will be able to sit back and relax and say that I did the best I could under the circumstances that have been handed to me. 

 

Rebuild

How do we get so wrapped up in other people? How do we fall in love without warning? How do we give so freely to another and stay even when we get nothing in return? Why do I always feel like I must help others? I do not know, maybe it’s because when I needed someone there is never anyone there and never has been. I cannot let my heart be crushed anymore and I cannot be someone’s toy or distraction for them. Everyone needs to make the best decision for their own lives and that decision should make them happy, but we do what is “right” instead of what will make us happy.

I was taught to be a good wife, take care of my family and stay even when I was miserable but then I got to the point that I needed to find some happiness because I was slowly dieing in a relationship that did nothing but drain me emotionally. Just like clothes, we out grow relationships and it is hard to leave but staying is to hard and we have to make a move or we will go crazy, I should say me because this is how I felt the last few years I was with my husband.

I felt like my only purpose was to take care of the family and the finances, there was no affection, no love what so ever and when he kissed me which was twice in the five years of our marriage it was superficial as if it was something he felt he had to do. This is not the way two people should live together, there should be over flowing love, respect, encouragement and be there when they fall. I fell and he kicked me when I was down and he kicked me more than once, he took so much from me as a person and I feel that my worth on this earth is minimal at best and I need to rebuild myself because what he took was the most important part of me, my self-respect.

I have let another walk all over me because of that and I can’t allow that to happen any longer, he only wants money and cares nothing of what I am going through or the pain I feel everyday. No, he has not come to soothe my pain or hold me when I cry, he has not been there when I have broken down and feel worthless. No, he has not taken the time to show me even that he cared and that I can no longer let suck me dry emotionally. 

Things Happen

I finished cleaning the blood off the walls, baseboard and side of the dresser, I have finally thrown away the oxygen hoses, the prosthetic pads, and all of his personal hygiene products. I have to clean out his clothes and all the remnants of him so I can move on. Everytime I walk into my bedroom I see the hospital bed with him throwing up blood and this vision never leaves me it is the same one every night when I go to bed and I can no longer stand it.

We would have been married eighteen years June third and it is hard for me as all I see is a man of skin and bones bleeding, how do these things happen I do not know but this is not the way I thought he would die, no it wasn’t suppose to end this way but it did. I never wished for him to die no that is not what I wished for but it happened and it hurts me so as I have buried so many but my husband was the only one that I could trust and he always had my back. Now my back is against the wall and I do not know how I continue to go through each day but I do know one thing, I must get rid of everything I own or I will never get over the loss of my husband.

The way he died haunts me everyday and every room in this house is filled with memories of him and I do not want any memories, I know that sounds harsh but that is the only way I can move on in my life. When I hurt I hurt deeply and to get rid of that hurt I have to cut that person completely out of my life as it is the only survival technique I know and that is how I have made it this far in my life. I spent a lot of time at the cemetery cleaning our headstone with armour all and it shines so nicely, I keep the weeds off of it and fresh flowers there and I do not know why I do this but I feel I must and it is strange because I cannot figure out why I do this and that bothers me as I need to figure out why I do things or others do things I do not understand.

There are no answers but I still try to figure it out, I have a certain amount of respect for my husband as he tried so hard to be a man but when he lost his leg that really fucked with his mind and all the times he went without oxygen I do believe it left him brain damaged as he was never the same. I feel so guilty for not being able to understand the pain he lived with for so many years because I was to caught up in trying to maintain my own mental health. He is gone and I have to let him go but it is hard as I have no one and the memories are the only thing that help me at this point, just memories of someone that was my family when everyone else was gone except my dad, who as also left me.

Men always leave me, people I love always leave me and I cannot even fathom the idea of another person coming into my life as I am afraid they will die as well. I must admit I do need someone in my life as that will distract me and keep my mind focused on someone else. I thought I had someone special that would be there but once again, I am wrong and have invested to much driving on a road that has a dead end. Just like letting go of my husband I have let go of this gentleman and wish him well, I truly do wish the best for him.

Drop

I invested so much time into someone who offers me very little, I thought this individual was there for me but it was all in my mind and I have finally cleared up the mental misunderstanding. You cannot allow yourself to lean on someone who isn’t there because you fall and fall hard. I am covered in bruised and it’s my fault but I am on the mend and have found opening up just a bit allows others to show me what I have been missing for the last three years.

Thinking that I had met someone who really understands me I opened myself up to nothing but hurt and I feel so ashamed that I let someone know the deepest secrets of my life and it was all part of his scam. I have learned to be extremely cautious when it comes to letting anyone know what is really inside my mind, heart and soul. I finally went  out and had a good time tonight and he is hot with a capital H so we had a great time, holding hands and walking in the rain and I enjoyed it. My mind says yes but my body says not yet, I could have had an awesome time with him physically but I am not ready for that step yet but soon, yes very soon.

It will take a while to forget the other one but I will and I’m not doing to bad at forgetting him now. It’s not to hard to put people out of your mind when they make no attempt to be in your life and think that a random call is going to make a difference, it does not and in fact it shows nothing but another way to keep the game going. The game is over and I have finally walked away from the table so another player can sit down and play. I do not like the game and will not come back to play anymore as there is no advantage for me and winning or losing means nothing in the end.

When you give your heart to someone and they use you, manipulate you and try to control your life you must delete me as they offer nothing positive in your life and they end up sucking you dry. He is more interested in appearance then having true happiness in his life and I am the complete opposite as I do not put on airs or spend tons of cash on my appearance, no I am more interested in being happy and he does not make me happy no he hurts me so much so this pain stopped the other day when I just said fuck it as he brings nothing to the table but an empty wallet which he has filled from taking from my pocket.

I have learned never to help anyone anymore and never let anyone get close enough to crush my heart the way he did and the lies, the lies make me crazy as I know every time we spoke there were lies always lies and I have lived with liars my entire life and cannot accommodate that behavior as it does not fit in my life anywhere. He lost a hell of a woman and he will never find another one like me as I am not the run of the mill woman by a long shot. If I wanted to be rich I could have but I chose not too as it wouldn’t bring me happiness.

I am leaving in a month to find a new life and I am not looking back, not even once-I have lost everything and everybody so it is time to go and I have my plan all laid out and it does not include anyone but myself. I am going on adventure to find who I really am and what I really want out of this life as I am not quite sure yet what exactly that is but I will find it all in good time as God has a plan for me and it is taking shape right this second.

No one should ever hurt another on purpose but we do it all the time as a way to get even, take out our own pain on another. This isn’t healthy or mature but it happens and I have no desire to hurt him or anyone so it’s easier to walk and not look back as it is for the best for me and I know that. My mind and heart are finally on the same page and there will be no more tears and no more dreams of what was never going to happen and I am ok with that. He served his purpose in my life but I am cleaning house and discarding things and people who just way me down and offer me no happiness.

I put him in a fed ex box and sent him back to Argentina where he belongs, it is his land and where he is the happiest and that is good as I do not want to see him sad and I do not want to harm him in any way as he harms himself enough everyday with denial and greed. We are too different to ever become one so it’s the last page of the book and there will not be another one to make a sequel. When I finally let go I let go for good and that is what I have had to do. I have no pain, no regrets just acceptance of a situation that doesn’t fulfill my needs so I must drop him. 

I will never go back to him and it is sad because we could have learned so much from each other but this is our last goodbye and he will find his true love somewhere and someday but it has never been me and I know that now. His life is going to change and things are going to be fantastic for him soon but he wants everything right this second just like most people and he will finally have some peace of mind and look forward to something fantastic coming his way, but that fantastic is not me and never will be. 

Be The Fool

I’m no longer a wife
It’s just me and my life
I have given to many
but they have not been there for me
and I am once again alone and free
I will fly away
Never to return this way
I am no longer holding on
to someone that was never mine
It’s ok, I will always be fine
I will no longer be the fool
and you know longer will rule
my heart or mind
but then you will never find
anyone that loves you
the way I did, which was not like the rest
so I say good bye  and hopefully you will do your best
to survive without me there
because I can no longer care