Toodles

It doesn’t take much for someone to forget you and it surely doesn’t take long to replace you either as there are so many women that will drop their panties in a heart beat for a sexy guy. They offer you a fuck and maybe a laugh or two but nothing more but isn’t that what men are about? A quick fuck and suck and then they are on their way without a second thought or looking back and they move on to the next conquest as most men seek adventure, the chase is the fun part but once they capture you then they become bored.

I have no interest in men that brag about how many women they have fucked as that says a lot about them as a person and who wants a dick that has spanned the earth anyway? Is it really something to be proud of that they fuck so many women? A man who I can respect doesn’t brag about how many women he has had he brags about the one he had for so long and things didn’t work out, now that is a man with class. One thing I have found to be true is when you date many you cannot find the one you so desperately search for and you end up with the consolation prize and never the real prize.

I’ve always been a private person in my personal life and do not share with others things that should be kept private and no I do not brag about my conquests or some of the men I have been with in my lifetime.  If you consider yourself fortunate or lucky to have fucked someone who is famous or has a big name then you are an ass, a total ass as all you were was another fuck, another nameless face soon to be forgotten before the sun has risen and do not fool yourself into thinking they care as they do not and never will call you.

He never really cared about me it was always the money and when he found out I gave it all away I never heard from again as if that was a surprize to me, no it was not. I have been nothing but one big green dollar bill for years and now I have been reduced to not even a penny in his eyes. He replaced me as quickly as he changed his shirt and I let myself fall in love with this person? What the hell is wrong with me? I see the truth crystal clear now and he calls and says why didn’t I call him when I was having problems? Well, maybe it’s because he disconnected his phone on a regular basis and doesn’t want to hear from me so fine I no longer waste my time thinking I will get through to him.

I used to believe I meant something to him but no longer as I can see that I am nothing to him and never have been, I have kept him smiling and laughing as he thinks I am so damn stupid not to know his game and how he plays it. Unfortunately for him he has let a hell of great woman slip between his fingers as easily as excess shampoo dripping through his fingers in the shower. He will search until he is old and grey, lame and alone but he will never find another woman like me, to bad for him but lucky for me. 

Say It

It is time for the truth to be shared between us and no more lies and games as I know the truth but you keep insulting me with your Nigi bullshit and if we are to ever get past this point you must step up and be a man and show your cards and claim your prize. I will not be here much longer and am turning my back slowly in hopes that you are strong enough to grab my shoulders and turn me around and face me with the truth.

You ask why I haven’t called you when I am in such need, well we both know the answer to this foolish question as you play games with phone numbers and I have no way to reach you with disconnected numbers as that is probably why you don’t really want me to call but instead play stupid childish games, so if you want me to call give me a damn number that is working not some bullshit number that costs a mint to call or call me on my home phone as I will no longer accept your calls on my cell and pay huge bills. 

I will not beg you and I will not wait any longer as you have the opportunity to claim me, be with me and guide me through the troubled times I am facing. I have been your friend, your entertainment, your confidant and your guide but what have you done for me lately? What have you done for me at all? Will you ever do anything for me? Will you ever come to me and make me happy? Let us be happy together or has this all been some diversion for you? Can’t you see I need you to hold me and help me move past what hurts me so? Can you not see the guilt I carry and the loss I am drowning in?

Am I just another foolish woman who has fallen for you even though I only know you through words and not your face or your touch? Do you think I care about what your appearance is or if you were handicapped? Do you think I care if you could never make love to me because of some disability? Do you think I care if you are rich and famous or poor and unknown? Do you not know by now that my love for you is pure and untainted?

It is now or never that the truth shows itself and you come to me now or never be in my life again? Do you not know the pain you cause me by letting me love you and you stay away? Come share my life with me or stay out of my life and away, which may be the best thing for both of us. It is now you must come to me and save me from myself before I drown and cannot take another breath. Have you found another woman who entertains you? Have you found someone who makes you laugh and smile? Have you found the one that will fulfill your dreams and take you back to your childhood happiness? If so, I bow out gracefully and wish you much happiness, maybe this time it is goodbye and you have said it to me without the words and I just haven’t read the signs.

Please take a stand and touch me or leave me forever……. 

The Wind

I awoke from a dream that I was on a ranch wearing bootcut jeans, green tooled boots with a matching belt and a checkered shirt with a red kerchief tied around my neck. I was standing next to the most magnificent stallion that God put on this earth, he was more then a handful for the ranch hands but to me he was nothing more then a gentle animal with a deep desire to run, run fast with the wind blowing his main back. 

This beauty was one with me as he understood the wildness of my soul and the freedom I sought running wild and free through the green pastures and fields as we jumped fallen trees and shallow creeks but we kept running, running wild as if we had no holds to bar us from the freedom of running forever into the sunset. We knew each other better than we knew anyone else and he understood my heart was a wild one that was difficult to tame just as he was by the wrong hands.

I never used a crop or spurs I never had to do anything more than a secret whisper into his ear and he knew what I asked of him and he greatly gave it to me as I gave him what he so desperately needed, to run until his heart was content. He was not a beast untamable he was a majestic animal that just needed understanding and the right amount of love and passion of his owner. He was meant to be loved and part of that loving was his freedom to run with the wind, to whisper in his ear how special he was and what he meant to me.

He was my salvation from the confinements of life and the demands required of daily living, he saved me from the mundane and boring he saved me from the sadness and loneliness that I was drowning in and he brightened the darkest day I was having. The damnest thing was this was all a dream and my black spirit ran in my mind as the wind blew back his mane and he ran free and I stood there and watched in envy and awe as I should be on his back running with him in my green tooled boots. 

Pain

 There is no deeper pain than to lose a parent, child or spouse and how can I let go of all the pain? I have lost a child, a father and a husband and losing the last two within a year has done me in. I watched my husband die slowly everyday for a month and I watched him throw up blood and I packed his nose with soaked tea bags to stop the bleeding but it didn’t stop and I tried to keep him alive but I couldn’t, I couldn’t stop the bleeding and I couldn’t stop the pain, I couldn’t keep him alive this time and I failed, I am a failure as I let him die and wanted him to die but not really I just wanted the sickness to stop to go away and all I wanted was to be happy and that was asking too much. Did I kill my husband? Did I steal his last breath? Did I not love him enough? Was I not a good enough wife?  How could I be such a failure knowing I was responsible for keeping him alive for so long and then I failed, yes I finally failed at keeping him with his children and wife. I lost my best friend I lost the only person that really loved me and took care to protect me when harm came my way and I let him die and I drove him into the grave and I want to be with him again as I am so lonely and I feel so guilty that I couldn’t keep his life going.

I have no right to live a life that has been given to me as I failed miserably at taking care of my husband and it’s my fault he died and I can’t change it, I can’t dig him up and breathe life into his body and I would change places with him as he was better for my children then I am. I am not a good wife, mother or person and I offer nothing of value to anyone and I hurt my children as well as myself. I am such a loser, such a murderer, such an immense failure in this life that I do not deserve.

The pain cuts through me in so many ways that I wish I were the one that had died as I offer nothing to anyone of value, I sit here and cry but who am I crying for? Is it myself or the loss of my best friend, yes we were best friends but never lovers and I can’t quit blaming myself for letting him die and I hate myself for being such a failure, a woman that should never feel love a woman who will never experience happiness a woman who is lost and empty.

I miss my husband so much I can’t stand the pain I feel for being such a fucking loser. 

Who can say for certain, maybe you’re still here? I feel you all around me your memory, so clear Deep in the stillness, I can hear you speak You’re still an inspiration Can it be that you are mine forever love And you are watching over me from up above? Fly me up to where you are beyond the distant star I wish upon tonight to see you smile If only for awhile To know you’re there, a breath away’s not far to where you are Are you gently sleeping here inside my dream? And isn’t faith believing all power can’t be seen As my heart holds you just one beat away I cherish all you gave me Everyday, ’cause you are mine forever love Watching me from up above And I believe that angels breathe And that love will live on and never leave Fly me up to where you are beyond the distant star I wish upon tonight to see you smile I’m where and who I want To know you’re there, a breath away’s not far to where you are I know you’re there, a breath away’s not far to where you are  

Mankind

It hurts like hell to know that there is no one that cares if you live or die, there is no one that calls or is there to hold me tight when I am falling as I am now. I have been nothing but cheap entertainment for someone who I love but doesn’t love me and I am nothing but a diversion to his daily life that he has found boring and mundane. I no longer wait for a phone call and no longer wait for a sign that he will be with me soon as that will not happen.

I am empty completely alone and my face has tears streaming down it as if there is no tomorrow and for me there is no tomorrow as I walk through the end of today. My heart is broken into a million pieces and I have no one, I have nothing but a mausoleum that I hate and big furniture that fills the spaces. I hate myself and who I have become, a sick lonely old woman that no longer has any value to anyone and the saddest thing of all is I used to be someone, someone who was strong, intelligent, independent and a fighter. I have no fight left in me and I have no one to love me and never will, all I get is lip service and that holds nothing for me at all.

I loved this man so much and he became my world, everything I did contained thoughts of him and he never really cared about me only the money. He was never going to come to me and my love meant nothing to him, I have been in jail almost two weeks and he hasn’t bothered to call once to see what happened to me. My daughter gave away all my little dogs, just gave them away like they meant nothing to me and they were all I had and now I have nothing and nobody. I can’t see my kids unless I am supervised downtown and my husband is gone and I am all alone and refuse to live a life like this as there is no reason for me to steal another breath from the living as I am dead, yes I am dead but still walking only for a short time.

It doesn’t pay to be kind and care for others, it doesn’t pay to love someone and want the best for them, it doesn’t pay to follow the path God has laid before me as it is riddled with huge pot holes and big stones to fall upon. It doesn’t pay to be mindful of others and want the best for mankind as mankind doesn’t wish the best for me or care that my heart is so crushed there is no putting it back together again and I find no reason to want to love because I will never be loved by him and it is him that has kept me alive this long which has been too long from what I can see now.