Brass Ring

I wonder if you miss me or think about me, I wonder if you ever loved me or just used the words as women are easily led by such words. I wonder if you’re happy and content and I wonder if you have been able to live the life of the boy you were once were or are you always the man that others expect you to be. I wonder if you have inner peace and smile to yourself from a passing thought of yesteryear and I wonder as you are a fucking her if you are satisfied beyond the orgasm or do you want her to leave immediately afterward.

I wonder if you look in the mirror and like the person you see or do you see disappointment for not grabbing the brass ring that has swung in the wind waiting for your grasp. I wonder if you have regrets or are you content with your life and I wonder if you feel loved and cared for. I wonder if you ever think of me and ever had any plans of being with me or where they all pipe dreams that you never had any intention of ever following. I wonder if you are still chasing the all mighty dollar or have you finally come to turns with happiness has no dollar amount and I wonder if I could have made your life fulfilled and made you happy at all.

I wonder if I was ever good enough for you at any point in your life and the answer I come up with is no and I wonder if there is ever going to be anyone that thinks I am good enough to be in their lives without a price tag attached to my ass. I give away all the riches as I do not want to be looked at as a Benjamin, I just want to be loved for me and me alone but I guess my value is so little that to even think that way is a waste. I just want to find a bit of happiness and it doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive just a simple walk in a field of wild flowers and butterfly’s, it’s just watching the doe and her fawns following her lead in the evening sunlight as it slips into the horizon.

I just want to swim and splash like a child, laugh on the beach and find a few minutes of peace and quiet the painful cries that are deep in my heart but escape without warning. What is it going to take to get me those few minutes I need so desperately? A bottle of pills? A shot of heroin, smoking a crack pipe or drinking a fifth of liquor is it going to take drugs to get me to the place of freedom from the controlling mind and unhappy thoughts, the emptiness and loss, the betrayal and self-doubt? What do I have to offer anyone if anything at all, I no longer know if I can offer anything and I do not know if I am capable any longer of acts of kindness and caring for others.

I know longer no my purpose or even if I have one, I no longer know who I am or where I am headed and I do not know what true happiness is so how can I begin to look for it? How can you seek out something that you do not know what it is exactly? How do you know when someone really cares for you and wants to be there for you without having a hidden agenda? There is no way of knowing as everyone is a liar or a lawyer. prenuptial agreements are part of marriages these days which automatically tell me that money is paramount in the relationship not love, not committment, not caring or wanting the person the be happy and be the best they can be.

I do not see a happy ending in my life as I am naive and a dreamer, a dreamer of a life that can no longer be obtained in this society as everyone has their hands out and it’s not out there to hold another’s hand. I am but an innocent in so many ways as I do not envy others nor do I wish to have what they have as I have not earned it, all I have ever wanted is to be in a relationship where I can build up my partner and tear him down when he got to full of himself and I expect the same in return. There is no one on this earth that understands what is it in my heart and the pain I try to conceal behind the unread books on the shelf.

I have no confidants and I have no man in my life to comfort me in my numerous hours of need and I do not see that changing, I find no answers to the questions that plague me daily and I have no direction from day-to-day. I picture him with his horses and his new female conquest as he has forgotten me as easily as the morning headlines and I feel sad that I didn’t mean more but why would I expect so much from someone anyway? There is no present and certainly no future with him and I don’t fit into his world anyway as its glitz and glamour while mine is filled with quiet evenings watching the stars and wishing I were one of them, shining brightly and fitting perfectly into a constellation.

Am I an alien waiting to peel off this face and body and emerge into a form that is all-knowing and can live without love and anyone caring? Am I just another lost soul in a field of dreams that so many get lost in? Have the feelings that have engulfed my heart all lies to myself and dreams that never will come true? I have no one to help me put my husband to a permanent rest and my kids will be gone in a few short years and what do I do then? Sit in a rocking chair watching the neighbor kids getting on and off the bus, the mail lady deliver the mail being the most exciting part of my days? To I put on my hiking boots and jeans with a back pack and just start walking until I find the answers I need to give me the peace I need?

Do I continue to hold a candle for the one that I will always love or am I wasting more time, time I do not have to waste? Will he ever come to me or is that just a foolish wish and dream that leads to more sadness and disappointment? More lonely nights and crying to sleep without my pups now, now I am truly alone and have not a thing that brings the smallest smile into my life and I cannot even fake the smallest of smiles and my heart feels nothing any longer. Were is he when I need him so? He is true to form and not there for me as usual so yes I have wasted time on a no where situation that was all a mind fuck from day one. 

Emotion or Mental Process

I’m not quite sure if I am capable of loving another person as I have said I am because I know longer know what love is, is it all emotion? Is it part of the mental process? Is it a combination of emotion, mental and physical processes? What exactly is loving another person and how is it expressed, through gifts, hugs, kisses, kindness, understanding, sex? Who has these answers and what are they and why won’t anyone share them with me?

I used to believe that loving someone meant that you put their needs above your own or is that some silly idea I put in my head? I always thought that wanting the best for your partner was love and wanting them to be successful in their pursuit for happiness and contentment was love, but is it really? Does one find love through giving of themselves to another or is love something we learn as a give and take process? Is love self-sacrificing and selfish or is love something we give to another openly and honestly?

I no longer believe I am capable of loving another as I wish to be loved and I no longer believe I deserve to be loved as I have done nothing worthy of such emotion from a person. I am not special in any way shape or form and I have nothing to offer anyone that would enrich their life, yet I want to be loved and to love. I have waited my entire life for an emotion or mental process to touch me but I have yet to feel it from anyone. I was gone for two weeks and no one cared but my kids because they didn’t want to stay in foster care, it wasn’t because they loved me and I refuse to believe that they really do for one minute.

I am nothing more than the one that doles out money, pays the bills, cooks for them and make them feel secure but what about me? What about me? They do not care if I am happy or sad they do not care if I am lonely and empty as they are kids absorbed with their own lives and the next kiss from the boyfriend or girlfriend. My daughter gave away all of my dogs which were the only things in my life that showed me love and she refuses to get them back because she doesn’t think it’s “good for me” to be so attached to animals instead of people.

I have never needed people and have always been a loner keeping my council and wiping my own tears as well as bandaging my own wounds and here I am being dictated to by a child that is a bossy, sassy girl of 17 that was raised by her father to be that way. Her boyfriend is a sissy like her father was and she bosses him around just like she did her father and he gets in my business and hasn’t learned yet that I will cut him out of her life like cancer and do not care is she hates me. She doesn’t give a flying fuck that I am alone and even wants me to stay in this awful state while she attends college here.

I want to flee, yes flee into someone’s loving arms but as I have been told I am a dreamer and I do know dreams don’t come true and life holds no promises for me. There is no love waiting for me at the corner or down the street and there never will be and I refuse to let myself believe that it is so. Someone that supposedly cares so much about me is off fucking someone else and hasn’t bothered to think twice about my disappearance and I do not mean a damn thing to him either. His occasion 2 minute call and hang up does not fill me up with love and caring, in fact all it does is infuriates me as I know he is once again lying to me as if I am a damn fool.

The let down in his voice was apparent when i told him I gave away all the money I inherited so that made him move on down the road to another woman with money in her pocket for him to pinch. I do not wait to hear from him as I  know I never will again as I do not mean shit to him and I have accepted that. I do not mean shit to single solitary soul on this earth which isn’t surprising as everyone is out for themselves and love is just a word used to control and manipulate others. There will never come a day that I meet anyone that uses the word love in the context that I would use it and that is just the way it is. As long as I have no expectations I will have no letdowns or disappointments and living my life in a bubble protecting myself from the world is the only way I can see to continue to exist, which is all I am doing and don’t even know why I bother.