There Are No Heroes

I can’t explain why I feel so empty and lost but I do and I am being engulfed into the darkest of the dark and see no light ahead or any way to escape this dismal existence I am living. I have just been informed that my mother had a major stroke and is paralyzed on her right side, cannot speak and she can barely eat. She is being moved to a facility for therapy in Florida, Orlando to be exact but I can do nothing about it and feel nothing for all the pain she has inflicted upon me through the years.

I am not happy with these feelings but one does reap what they sow and her abuse was so extreme that it has been burned into my memory like a cow being branded with a hot emblem iron. I had so much love for her and she just abused it and killed it and now I feel nothing which isn’t right but it is fact. I had a connection with someone that some how managed to get my heart to open a crack and he worked his way into it and I fell in love with him.

He has no face, he has no name but he does have an occassional presence in my life when the feeling moves him, I assume that is when he is bored and has nothing better to do for entertainment then to call or contact me on the net. I now except that I mean nothing to him and this has all been some kind of twisted game for him and I do not wish to play it or be part of it any longer, he has no idea what type of woman he had loving him. He knows I am unbalanced which is no surprise but he doesn’t know the truth depth of how I love someone even though he thinks he does, he has no idea that I do not give superficial affection or compliments and I do not blow smoke up people asses to build them up.

I do not fit into his world and he cannot find it in himself to go back in time when his life was fun, simple and totally uncomplicated and he could smile a simple smile when looking at a field of golden wheat. Unfortunately, he no longer can enjoy the simple things in life as he has sold himself to the world and the world wants a piece of him at every turn, he is unable to find a quiet place to find himself but he does love the lime light and the applause. He loves to hear the roar of the crowd and his name yelled in unison by thousands. This is what makes him tick, this is what makes him feel alive, feel loved and feel worthy and he wouldn’t trade that for the world.

People get lost in fame because that is the only place they feel respected and loved even though it really isn’t either but only appears to be, something monumental is missing in their lives and the only way they can fill the void is through the love of the crowd and the camaraderie of the mates he calls “family”. With age comes less of the roar from the crowd and fewer moments of pride through the games one plays for a living. The body starts to reject the man, the knees give out and the body can no longer run with the wind but the mind, the mind still wants to be able to make the body do what it no longer can and this is a terrible place to be mentally.

I was never a professional in any sport but loved to play softball and I was damn good, yes I was believe it or not, I played as if my life depended on winning and I could run, catch and throw from the back outfield to third base and get the runner out. Then one day it all game to a screeching halt when I was in a car accident and broke my knee which required a cast from ankle to almost the crotch, I soon found out that I was allergic to the wrapping put on my leg before the casting material was applied and my leg swelled up and I was in excruciating pain and had to have the cast cut down each side, my leg wrapped in an ace bandage and the cast wrapped tightly to my leg with another ace bandage.

I could not walk even with crutches so I dragged myself through my home alone as there was no one to help me and I am once again dragging myself across the floor and once again there is no one to help, which seems to be a bit of karmic debt that I must pay at this time in my life. I am feeling the effects of endings in my life, the loss of my children, the loss of my pets and the loss of a man that I cannot tell you how much I loved as there are no words to express my feelings for him. One thing is for sure he doesn’t want to be in my life and I do not fit anywhere in his and accepting that is not the easiest thing to do but something that I have no choice but to accept.

I guess I should feel anger but I do not and I guess I should feel a certain amount of hate but I cannot feel that either as that is not me, I do get angry but hate is not an emotional that I allow myself to feel often and reject it at all costs. I will be burying my mother soon and I will cry, I will cry for the mother’s love I never had but always wanted so badly, I will cry for the mother daughter relationship that I never had but desperately needed and I will cry for a woman that tried no matter how high the mountain or how wide the river. My mother was a very strong woman when she was younger but now she is reduced to a frail, sickly woman all alone in a hospital by herself and I have the desire to bring her to me to care for her but I cannot as I cannot care for myself.

I used to be able to laugh and smile and I used to be able to enjoy life but I can no longer do that as there is nothing that moves me emotionally any longer, there is no one that loves me or cares about me and no one to rescue me from the unfortunate events I seem to get myself into. It’s just as well as I do not want to taint anyone’s life with misery which of course will rub off me onto them and I am glad that he no longer thinks of me and possibly has found the happiness he has searched for.

I will always wish him the best and think of him fondly from time to time but I can no longer dwell on what was nothing more than a dream, nothing more than hopes and wishes that were never going to come true anyway. I am no longer able to bring happiness to anyone or show them the simple things in life are the wealthiest not the all mighty dollar and living in a hut is more rewarding then living in a mansion. I wish I could feel something, just something, anything any emotion will do but I cannot and do not know exactly why as I am not having a pity party or cursing the world out for the way I am feeling. That’s just the way it is….. 

The Jailers Jiggler

Being in jail is an experience few can survive without shedding tears and feeling deep heartache as they think back on the stupid moves that got their freedom taken away. I of course, did things the legal way but got thrown in jail anyway as they charged me with 2nd degree home invasion which is such a fucking joke as the hick cops don’t even know the law. A legal document in hand I proceeded to claim what was rightfully mine starting with my dad’s cremanes and his weed of course as I know he would want me to have blown a blunt in his honor and memory.

I sat in a local jail for two days and then was sent to the county jail in Detroit which is the most disgusting place I have ever been as I watched the mega roach move his way across the cell floor and beeline for a crumb from the fattening cake they served daily for breakfast along with oversweetened cereal, milk and shitty orange juice. The meals were the only things the inmates had to look forward to if they didn’t have any money on their inmate account for the commissary shit they sold at hugely inflated prices. Everyone became your best friend when you bought shit from the commissary and they have to problem asking to use your comb or razor which I found to be beyond gross.

I sat in my cell calm as a cucumber on a blazing hot day and the other birdies couldn’t understand how I could be so calm and refused to believe that it had to do with the deep spirituality that I keep close at all times. They said I was crazy and yes I am crazy, like a damn fox crazy as I sat there and watched the tears flow and the birdies go stir crazy. I was the oldest there and they made from of “grandma” and tried to pull their young mouthy bullshit on me until I nonchalantly walked into one of their cells and grabbed the bitch by the throat and slammed her head against the top bunk rail and informed her that this grandma could kill her in a nano second with a plastic spoon and not think twice so if she wanted to fuck with me I suggested she rethink that line of thought.

These young girls think they are so big and bad until you make an example out of one of them and then they see you coming and part like the red sea as you walk through the crowd to get your meal of the day which was always so damn appetizing as they did not use a single spice including salt. Beans and rice with melting green jigglie jello which tasted terrible and runny and if you were lucky you got one piece of fruit a week, an apple the size of a small plum.

Most were in there for probation violations or drug paraphernalia and then there were the few that were busted dealing heroin which has become the drug of choice for our youth. I had one girl befriend me as she wanted me to teach her the powers I had that controlled tears and heartaches. I told her if she believed in God truly believed in him the path was in front of her she just had to follow and quit taking six or seven vicodin every few hours to escape whatever ailed her. I constantly hugged her and let her cry on my shoulder as her heart was breaking for the loss of time with her children, the youngest being two.

Amber was of mixed race and she is a striking girl who has no faith in anyone or anything and she is a lost soul that I hopefully have been able to guide to the path she should follow according to the wisdom and grace of our lord. She visited me numerous times a day in my cell and I talked to her of her beauty inward and outwardly and told her stories of my youth and how I got to be where I am today and the importance of God in my life. I did not preach to her but gave her examples of the work God had done to intervene in my life and how the almighty was able to make me a believer in his power and wisdom.

I do hope that she follows through with the help that is available to her and if she chooses not to then I do fear the road she is traveling will lead her to an early demise. 

Just Another Memory

I thought I had found the person for me, the man who would make me happy and share my life with but once again I am a fucking fool and have landed on my face. I fell for all of his bullshit and lies and I wrapped my heart around promises of him holding me tight which of course never happened and never will. I am but a stupid bitch that is so desperate to be loved I fall for the words that are just that words that hold no truth.

I banked on his being with me but then the bank closed and left me broke and empty, he has given nothing and I have given everything so now it’s time to say Kimberly get your ass in gear and let someone else come into your life to love you and share the things that mean the most to your world, which is not a damn thing at this moment. I continually find myself thinking of what could have been and what should have been but I see clearly that nothing was ever to be of me and him.

He’s a rock star a name known as fame and a person that I can not be with because he finds his happiness elsewhere, his calls do not comfort me and in fact I no longer wish to hear his lies that are spoken from  his lips and smooth voice. He is a con a man with no conscience and no love for himself so why would I want to waste a moment of my lame ass life with him anyway? I no longer feel a connection with him as his connection is with himself as he thinks he’s so damn fine any woman would kill to be with him, how damn wrong he is as I no longer want to know him or have him in my life.

I have let myself be crushed by a user, a man with no morals or love for anyone but himself so he can have himself and find his happiness within his own narcism and he can look in the mirror and his himself and satisfy his urge to be with a woman by picking up the phone and making a single call. I will never be the one that comes running to him and I have been running away from him for he is poison, he is the acid that tore my heart apart and I will no longer let him destroy me with his false words of love and hope.

I am many things but a thief and consistent liar I shall never be and to be associated with someone who cannot rise above such a life has no open door into my life. He has hurt me, yes he has hurt me one too many times and I will walk away and find the person for me as he is out there somewhere and he cares and loves me, if only I can find him. I have waited for so many years to be with him and I have never done that for another man and never will ever again. I have put on my hiking boots to climb the mountain and look from a high for the one for me as he surely is not the one that cares or will ever really love me.