I can’t explain why I feel so empty and lost but I do and I am being engulfed into the darkest of the dark and see no light ahead or any way to escape this dismal existence I am living. I have just been informed that my mother had a major stroke and is paralyzed on her right side, cannot speak and she can barely eat. She is being moved to a facility for therapy in Florida, Orlando to be exact but I can do nothing about it and feel nothing for all the pain she has inflicted upon me through the years.
I am not happy with these feelings but one does reap what they sow and her abuse was so extreme that it has been burned into my memory like a cow being branded with a hot emblem iron. I had so much love for her and she just abused it and killed it and now I feel nothing which isn’t right but it is fact. I had a connection with someone that some how managed to get my heart to open a crack and he worked his way into it and I fell in love with him.
He has no face, he has no name but he does have an occassional presence in my life when the feeling moves him, I assume that is when he is bored and has nothing better to do for entertainment then to call or contact me on the net. I now except that I mean nothing to him and this has all been some kind of twisted game for him and I do not wish to play it or be part of it any longer, he has no idea what type of woman he had loving him. He knows I am unbalanced which is no surprise but he doesn’t know the truth depth of how I love someone even though he thinks he does, he has no idea that I do not give superficial affection or compliments and I do not blow smoke up people asses to build them up.
I do not fit into his world and he cannot find it in himself to go back in time when his life was fun, simple and totally uncomplicated and he could smile a simple smile when looking at a field of golden wheat. Unfortunately, he no longer can enjoy the simple things in life as he has sold himself to the world and the world wants a piece of him at every turn, he is unable to find a quiet place to find himself but he does love the lime light and the applause. He loves to hear the roar of the crowd and his name yelled in unison by thousands. This is what makes him tick, this is what makes him feel alive, feel loved and feel worthy and he wouldn’t trade that for the world.
People get lost in fame because that is the only place they feel respected and loved even though it really isn’t either but only appears to be, something monumental is missing in their lives and the only way they can fill the void is through the love of the crowd and the camaraderie of the mates he calls “family”. With age comes less of the roar from the crowd and fewer moments of pride through the games one plays for a living. The body starts to reject the man, the knees give out and the body can no longer run with the wind but the mind, the mind still wants to be able to make the body do what it no longer can and this is a terrible place to be mentally.
I was never a professional in any sport but loved to play softball and I was damn good, yes I was believe it or not, I played as if my life depended on winning and I could run, catch and throw from the back outfield to third base and get the runner out. Then one day it all game to a screeching halt when I was in a car accident and broke my knee which required a cast from ankle to almost the crotch, I soon found out that I was allergic to the wrapping put on my leg before the casting material was applied and my leg swelled up and I was in excruciating pain and had to have the cast cut down each side, my leg wrapped in an ace bandage and the cast wrapped tightly to my leg with another ace bandage.
I could not walk even with crutches so I dragged myself through my home alone as there was no one to help me and I am once again dragging myself across the floor and once again there is no one to help, which seems to be a bit of karmic debt that I must pay at this time in my life. I am feeling the effects of endings in my life, the loss of my children, the loss of my pets and the loss of a man that I cannot tell you how much I loved as there are no words to express my feelings for him. One thing is for sure he doesn’t want to be in my life and I do not fit anywhere in his and accepting that is not the easiest thing to do but something that I have no choice but to accept.
I guess I should feel anger but I do not and I guess I should feel a certain amount of hate but I cannot feel that either as that is not me, I do get angry but hate is not an emotional that I allow myself to feel often and reject it at all costs. I will be burying my mother soon and I will cry, I will cry for the mother’s love I never had but always wanted so badly, I will cry for the mother daughter relationship that I never had but desperately needed and I will cry for a woman that tried no matter how high the mountain or how wide the river. My mother was a very strong woman when she was younger but now she is reduced to a frail, sickly woman all alone in a hospital by herself and I have the desire to bring her to me to care for her but I cannot as I cannot care for myself.
I used to be able to laugh and smile and I used to be able to enjoy life but I can no longer do that as there is nothing that moves me emotionally any longer, there is no one that loves me or cares about me and no one to rescue me from the unfortunate events I seem to get myself into. It’s just as well as I do not want to taint anyone’s life with misery which of course will rub off me onto them and I am glad that he no longer thinks of me and possibly has found the happiness he has searched for.
I will always wish him the best and think of him fondly from time to time but I can no longer dwell on what was nothing more than a dream, nothing more than hopes and wishes that were never going to come true anyway. I am no longer able to bring happiness to anyone or show them the simple things in life are the wealthiest not the all mighty dollar and living in a hut is more rewarding then living in a mansion. I wish I could feel something, just something, anything any emotion will do but I cannot and do not know exactly why as I am not having a pity party or cursing the world out for the way I am feeling. That’s just the way it is…..