I was a child unwanted from the moment my mother discovered she was pregnant, there was no birth control and abortion was expensive and illegal so she was stuck with me. She was never capable of loving anyone including herself and I was no exception and was nothing more than a burden to her and I claimed her freedom which she resented. I found the love I needed through nature and animals as I walked the fields by myself wishing I were dead for she was so damn abusive and hateful, I would sit and cry as I watched the birds fly and the grasshoppers jump from weed to weed and admired the horses running around the paddock.
I cleaned stalls just to be around the beautiful beasts and became friends with all of them, talking quietly in their ears telling them how grand they truly were and one day I would own one myself. I worked numerous odd jobs and saved enough to buy a horse and he was a beauty as I had been given an opportunity to purchase him for pennies on a dollar. He was my shining star, my pride and joy and we rode for hours until we became hungry and we would sit under an apple tree and I would eat a sandwich and he would he the fallen apples.
I would feed him before school and clean his stall every weekend and I spent hours cleaning and bathing him telling him my secrets and my pain and he understood every word and looked at me as if he wished he could save me from the hell I was living. It’s a hard life to live when there is no love in your life as a child and you are the whipping post for someone day after day, it makes you withdraw from people and the world and find comfort elsewhere as I did in animals.
My pets have always been my world as I could always trust them but could never trust a living soul and I still have serious trust issues to this day. The things I have always loved the most have been taken away from me as if they never mattered, my dog, my horse, my chickens, rabbits and now my little puppies as I referred to them as. My daughter gave them away when I was in jail because she was jealous of them and feels that I love them more than her, which of course isn’t true or is it?
She has no need for me except when she wants something as she is at the age that boyfriends rule and mothers know nothing, her boyfriend is a pussy just like her dad was in so many ways and it sickens me. I cannot tolerate weak men and that has caused me to be lonely for so long as I seek out only the strong yet gentle at heart which is like finding a needle in a haystack. A strong man has a mind of his own and doesn’t let a woman run his life for him, he is self assured, secure within himself and goes after what he wants.
I am a strong personality that is not easily persuaded to do what others command and I usually do the opposite when pushed to far and this causes me to be alone as men find me intimidating and “hard to handle” as if I am a sooped up coupe on the straight away. I have reached the point that I no longer want to live but am to fucking weak to end my life, which pisses me off because I can and do accomplish what I set out to do. As I get older my dreams are fading and I find no contentment in a damn thing and no longer enjoy my children as they have made my life pure hell the last two years.
I don’t know if I ever want to see them again let alone want to rebuild our family because I feel as if they wish I had died instead of their father, which is probably true. My daughter has always wanted to go to Harvard and she has a damn good shot at getting in but she has chosen to want to go to Wayne State here because her boyfriend wants to go there and I do not believe he has a chance in hell of getting accepted. He is a mouthy little fuck that I have no respect for and the thought of him touching my daughter makes me want to puke and I hope she wakes up and leaves him in the damn dust but that probably won’t happen and she will marry him and ruin her life.
Marrying young is the biggest mistake so many make because they think they know what love is when it is actually just lust but they don’t find out until they are older and regret making such a choice which has denied them the right to experience life as they should have. They tend to end up divorced and losing everything they have worked for their entire life because the bitterness takes over the senses and people lash out at each other in such hurtful ways.
I do not see myself ever getting married again or finding the happiness I have so desperately needed my entire life but that is to be accepted as there is no other choice for people like me.