Roses and Rainbows

If you are waiting for roses and rainbows then you are a fool searching for a lost dream and your hopes and wishes are misguided. Do not expect roses and rainbows to fulfill you with delight and guide you to a happier place in this lifetime. I no longer dream dreams of love and happiness as they are but a myth and do not exist nor does honesty and integrity as I have found not a single person that has either as honesty is masked by kind and caring words and integrity is not to be found in any man this decade.

I do not hold a candle for any one person any longer and do not hope and wish for any man to make my life richer as it is not going to happen and I am no longer waiting for a knight in shining armor as the armor is soiled and does not shine and there are no knights that exist. I am not waiting any longer for anyone to do anything for me as that never happens and words from those that supposedly love me are false and filled with lies.

I find comfort in myself, wrapping my arms around myself and cry when need be and I pat myself on the back because others want to stab me in the back. I am floating from day to day accomplishing very little and wanting nothing from anybody. I am a romantic and always have been but I am also a realist who has taken off the shades and see people for who and what they really are, most are players and users and takers not givers.

I sit in this house thinking of when there were happier days and I cannot remember a single day that was happy, that is sad because I should have been happy my entire life but have not been. I am my own worse enemy and find fault in most things that I do or say. I do not seek others approval because others cannot approve or disapprove of me because they are no better than I, they will attend mass yet stab their neighbor in the back within the hour, they will say kind words and talk you out of your last dollar with no intention of ever giving it back and they will gossip about you and spread lies.

There is only one person I think of that I truly enjoy speaking with and he is far away, no I am not in love with him and do not wish to share his bed but he is a kind, gentle person that is not perfect but cares for me I believe. I believe he cares about me and how bad my life is right now but he is a true friend to someone else and has thrown me under the bus for the friendship he has with another. Is this fair? Of course it  isn’t but he is true to his friend which I do find admirable.

He lives in a country that scamming seems to be the main source of self employment and I can hear the regret in his voice for the things he has done to cause others pain. It appears he has realized that his youth is passing and he has found another way to support his family. People do stupid things in their youth, they make a lot of money and spend it unwisely not thinking of the day they no longer can do what they used to because age has taken away their talents.

I have never had any talent that brought me great amounts of money but I am not one that lives for the all mighty dollar and I am thankful for that as people use others with money everyday, I am broke which I am perfectly fine with and don’t care because then I never have to worry about being used. There is no one that wants to be with me for  money or for myself but that is ok as well as living the life I am is making me realize that life alone is happier then life with someone that has no love for me what so ever.

If you love someone and they don’t love you back then you have wasted to much time for nothing and have used your ability to love another on no one but your dreams. I used to be a dreamer but no longer dream and I used to love someone but no longer allow myself those feelings as they are not ever going to be returned and I know. I have chosen to fool myself for three years but no longer will be the fool in my own eyes. I will no longer let my heart rule my mind nor will I share myself with another as there is no other that can give me what I truly need.

I no longer answer calls that are unidentifiable and I no longer hold onto words from an unknown soldier that fights the good fight but lies the good lie even better. I am no one’s door mat and I am no one’s happiness but I am a strong, independent, wise women when I choose to be and I have finally chosen to be strong and wise for myself and no longer for him. He can no longer hurt this heart of mine because I have finally refused entrance to him and he can move on down the highway and find some other person that he can play with as if they were a toy.

I prefer to keep him in a locked box of past experiences and memories as that is where he belongs and I shall never open that box but throw it in the fire to burn and be forgotten like a cut that has heeled. He no longer has cart blanc to my life and I no longer will allow myself to wonder and worry about him or his friends. He has become a has been because of age and now is rebuilding himself in a profession that is costly and brings him fame once again.

He is unable to see himself for who he really is and continues to play the famous role as it is a lifestyle that seems to suit him well along with the women that adore those in the “circuit”. I have chosen not to use his name and never will because I find that to be tacky. His name is unimportant but his actions are the paint on the canvas and some may think the picture is pretty but not me, the picture shows a dark side that few if any can see but me. His freedom comes when he is riding in the wind and his mind is filled with wanting to be the big maker of the game. He forgets his worries and problems and he has long forgotten about the one person that loved him unconditionally and didn’t want a damn thing other than his love, which he has refused to give and I refuse to wait for any longer.

He finds moments of sexual bliss but remembers not their name as their name is unimportant to him, only the orgasm he seeks and the touch of a woman, he doesn’t seek love because the love he had with another is fulfilling and he finally seeks the freedom he should have kept as a youth. He is discovering himself slowly and painfully but does not yet know what he really wants or where he is going even though he may think so.

He has lost the very person that has helped him and the very person he could trust but he will find out eventually she is gone and will no longer be there for him in his hour of need. She did not replace him but instead has chosen to forget him and his lies. He hurt her and does not care and she cannot open up to him ever again as that is what is best for her and her life. She will open her sails and let the wind guide her on the sea and where she lands no one knows, not even she. 

Trials and Tribulations

I’m lost in this world and trying to find my way which is not easy I must say, we let people into our lives for a purpose, may it be to learn or to teach and I am always learning and teaching someone and learning from others. I have much experience in life and have offered my knowledge to many and hopefully I have been able to make someone smile or rethink a thought. I don’t need to have anything but food, a roof over my head and clothes on my back because society says I must be dressed in public.

I search the corners of my mind for answers to questions that have little meaning and will make no difference in the long run and I search my heart which once was filled with love and laughter, I search for times to replay themselves when life was fun, walking in fresh cow shit was fun and digging in the sand was also fun. I try to go back to times that brought me happiness but it is hard to recapture what was and separate myself from what is. No one understands where I have been or where I am going, what I write or what I feel and it really doesn’t matter to anyone but me.

I have spent fifty-two years trying to find myself and have yet to succeed, what do I really want? Who do I really want to spend my life with? Where do I really want to live? Where do I want to travel and explore? These questions get answered but the answers change like the weather and I do not know who I really am but does anyone? We project an image to others that is really not the real us, the real us hides inside and only the precious few or maybe only one person ever gets to know parts of us as we never reveal all of ourselves to anyone.

People do not show the ugliness of themselves unless they are angry and hurt, divorce is a perfect example of seeing a person’s ugly side that can be quite hurtful and damaging to another. There are people who are toxic to our lives and we have to cut them out like a spoiled spot on a piece of fruit. Those that harm us and have no conscious is another form of pain we can do without and should not tolerate. People can be so hateful and hurtful but they also can be so loving and kind. The loving person must also be watched because we never know if the love is true or just a way to get into our lives and take what they want not what they need.

There comes a time when we must decide who we wish to share our life with and if they are worthy of our time and energy, we cannot give away love to those that abuse it and use it for their own emotional and financial well being. People want but they do not give and that is a problem in this world, people to not hold God as the highest power until they are desperate or dying and then they call out to God and want his love and help.

All of us have our trials and tribulations that we cannot walk away from but must deal with head on as they are where the lessons in life are learned. Without lessons we cannot grow and cannot share with others the knowledge we have learned. Painful lessons are the where the greatest knowledge comes from and we can offer those experiences to others and if they are smart they will not make the same mistakes we have. 

Never Meant To Be

He won’t let me love him so I am slowly closing the door and not looking back, he has no interest in me so I am giving up interest in him. He likes to live in a fast lane and I prefer the slow lane and he has lived so much more than I but the quality of his life he may have found to be wonderful but I do not know. There is no future for us and I now see that clearly so I say good bye and wish you well and you will always find the success you seek

I thought we were meant to be together but I was wrong and have expected to much for too long from him and it makes me sad but the reality is there is no us and never was and never will be so I bid him farewell  and cannot be his friend as it hurts me to much. I have nothing to offer him and he has everything a man could want and will soon enough find a woman that fulfills his needs as a man and not just sexually. I am not special to him and hold no place in his heart and accepting that has been very hard for me but I now accept it and will move on even though it is slow but I am moving on.

I shall think of him once and awhile and push the thoughts out of my mind and one day find the man that will make my life complete but until then I will not hold a candle for him or let him rule my heart any longer. I want him to be happy and complete and he will one day soon and is already keeping himself busy with other women I have no doubt. So I say farewell, take care and wishing him the best for eternity.