White Orchid

I love wild flowers but find the white orchid to be an especially beautiful flower, so many prefer the orchids of color but I find the white orchid to carry special meaning. The white orchid is pure, it is a sturdy flower grown by the right hands and few have those, the body is strong and flower delicate like the man I carry within my heart. I have protected myself by lashing out and hurting him as he has hurt me but like the orchid, he is still strong yet delicate at heart as the flower.

He doesn’t realize that I am ultra sensitive and so damn easily hurt, lieing is the ultimate form of betrayal to me and I have been betrayed my entire life. It is not fair to expect him to know the delicate person I really am as I hide behind strength. I am strong but not nearly as strong as I lead others to believe, it is my safety net to protect myself from others harsh words and actions that tear me down and destroy my core. 

He doesn’t know that what I say is true, he doesn’t know if I am a liar or a cheat which I am neither but he has no way of knowing for sure as we have not spent a single moment together. I assume he is all male and has quenched his sexual thirst with famous as well as random women and I am not famous nor ever will be or desire it and I am not random and cannot allow myself to be either. He has no clue how I really feel about him as a person and I trip him up every chance I get.

I know a man in his youth gets full of himself as does a woman, they become self-absorbed and take advantage of the power bestowed on them through the gift God has placed within them. They spend foolishly, fuck frequently without a thought, names and faces do not become one as they have used their user, they look in the mirror and are so proud of who and what they have become. Boys grow up into men that realize that using their users is unproductive and they begin to despise their standing in life as it has robbed them of their privacy.

The man begins to hold tightly to who he once was as age takes away his fame and beauty, he begins to see himself as the man he will become in age and tries desperately to find the woman who wants him for himself and he discovers this to be a very long and tedious task. He no longer wants to fuck but to make love to the woman that builds him up and tears him down when need be, he wishes to be understood instead of relishing in being misunderstood and mysterious.

He wants love, peace, freedom, privacy-he wants the quiet walks on the beach, holding hands, slow passionate kissing, and making love to the woman that will care for him when he is old and frail. Long gone are the dreams of wealth, fancy homes, fast cars and fast women. The man I love is giving, caring, loving, considerate and kind he is far from in love with himself but in love with others through helping them and making their lives better.

The man I love is sensitive, creative, artistic he is special to me and to the world as he is an angel from heaven not an angel just in my mind. I adore him, respect him, admire him and have learned from him. He has filled a void in my life I thought to be unfillable and I thank God everyday I was fortunate enough to experience his tenderness through words first and I pray through his arms eventually. He is my white orchid and the impact he has made on my life will stay with me even if we never meet, I love my white orchid unconditionally. 

Please

Please do not hate me
I am not worth your time
I do not want to cause you pain
I just want you to be mine
I am a fool
drowning in a pool
Waiting for your love
Please send it from above
You are my angel
Clothed in white
Please answer my prayers
Save me from my plight
I only want to share
But only if you care
Please do not walk away
Help me find my way
I beg you not to stray
But if you have
It’s ok
I deserve no less
For I am not your test
I am not your judge
I am lost and looking
For guidance from above

Dust Me

If I have hurt you I didn’t mean too
It isn’t me you always speak with
It isn’t me you always read about
It is me, no it isn’t me

It’s the awful illness that I possess
That hurts others never the less
I try to fight the ugliness
But it overtakes me
It leaves me drained
And filled with pain
As I hurt others
As well as myself
I rather not breath
Then to hurt you and leave

I love you now as I did then
It’s just so damn hard to remember when
I am not happy with myself
So go ahead and put on the shelf
Dust me off from time to time
And remind me that you were once mine
But I cannot control the bad that comes out
As I try to turn about
I really love you no matter what
But I am sorry I am not for you
You do not deserve a person like me
Someone in a bottle thrown out to sea 

Hiding Me

Who am I?
Do you really want to know?
If I tell you can I trust you?
I doubt it as I can trust no one
I am just another person living on this earth
Taking up space since birth
I give and get nothing in return
Will I never ever learn?
I hide behind strength
It has become my shelter
For I am quite weak
And easily used
Always letting myself be abused
I am not important to anyone
I mean nothing to anyone
I seek shelter in four walls
Running aimlessly down the halls
I know not where I am going
Only where I have been
I am not special
And never will be until the end 

Pearl

I give to much
And it’s become a crutch
To those that know me well
They use me and never tell
Anyone who thinks they know who I am
I am nothing but a sad little girl
that lives in a oyster
hoping to one day become a beautiful pearl
I sit the ocean in a shell
living a life of pure loneliness and hell
To love me is to love pain
Keep on running in the fast lane
I will only hurt you one day
As you have hurt me and walked away 

For Me

Some people think they are in love but what they are confusing love with is admiration, envy, money, appearance, connections, materials possessions and so on. I have listened to people try to talk me into dating again and finding the “right man” and how they would know what and who the right man is, is beyond me. The right man for me may not be the right man for someone else and I am sure there is not a right man for me and someone else as I do not share and play well with others.

The right man for me is the man who respects independence, a free thinker, someone who can take care of themselves as well as do for themselves, someone who isn’t afraid to stand up to me or for me and let’s me do the same for them. The right man for me is the romantic, gentleman, kind, loving, warm, giving, creative, self-assured and can take care of me even though I do not need taking care of. I am tired of people telling me to move on since my husband died because I have moved on in my heart and I do love another man but I still cry over the loss of my husband, which should be expected and respected.

I do not enjoy friends inviting me to a party and trying to set me up as I have no interest in anyone but the one that holds my heart in a locket. I will never reach out to another man for comfort or sex and will wait  for the one that I have chosen to be with for the remainder of my and beyond. He may not want me but that is ok because I want him and that’s all that matters to my heart and I am not capable of straying from my feelings because that is not the type of woman I am, even though I know he has fucked numerous other women.

Men are men and they stray for sex but never love, they stray for someone that will listen to them, understand them, guide them and kick their ass when they need it. Men do not want to be pacified or adored as that gets quite old quick and they do not respect women that will come at the beck and call and I am not one to do that for any man. I do for a man because I chose to not because it’s expected and I will not be a man’s doormat for his money or reputation.

I had the opportunity to marry a man who gives wealthy a complete new meaning but I chose not to because I am not one that ticks from green in my pockets, I prefer to be with someone I love that will put green stains on my white pants from making love in the grass in the mist. I prefer to be with a man that isn’t all ego and self absorbed, a man that knows his worth beyond his bank account, what he really wants and where he wants to spend his days of age when beauty has faded.