I Can’t Breathe

You have to come and save me, you have to come today because I can’t continue going on this way, I need you but do you need me? My arms wait for you and no one else so please come to me today as you do not know I cannot breathe without you as you leave me breathless. I have so much to give and I only want to give it to you so please come to me today. I am so lonely without hearing your voice and it makes me sad and life is so hard for me alone.

I need to be needed, I need to be loved and I only want to share that with you, don’t you know? Are you ever going to come to me or am I waiting for no one to show me what I so badly need in my life? Don’t you know I think you are so damn awesome in so many ways, you are gentle,kind,loving,warm,intelligent,caring and so much more. I never tell you because I don’t know if you even care what I think. I have been here for you but you do not show any interest so I am left to nothing but assumptions.

Have I been fooling myself and thinking I am the one you will come to or am I just another one of your fish? I will be leaving in a few hours to go to the rv in hopes of selling it this weekend, I love the place but it holds nothing for me any longer. It’s a long drive for me and I get sad when I am up there as I remember times that I would rather not and I am moving on slowly and don’t need to see visions that hold me back. You have had it all and maybe you now have nothing, like myself which is fine with me as I need so very little to survive and I only need you to make me thrive.

I ask you not to change as I do not want you to be another only yourself, I do not need money as I gave so much away to keep me from harm as I am aware what money has done to hurt me in so many ways. I have enough to live on and that is fine for me but is it fine for you? Do you remember saving my life? I was so sick with pneumonia and you pushed me to go to the hospital? Why did you do that yet you hide from me and call randomly and then hang up on me? You are not running out of credits, you don’t want someone to know you are talking to me and yes I am aware of the numerous women in your life and in your bed but I am hoping you have finally realized they are using you as you use them and offer you nothing.

I am no fly by night woman as you must be aware of by now as I have been here three long years and I wonder do you think of me when you fuck them? Do you ever think of me at all? What is it going to take to make you show yourself? Must I walk away and leave you to your devices and let you wonder through life until you find the right woman for you or do you have her already and I am nothing to you at all? Do I get lost in my own dreams of us being together and am I nothing but an old fool?

I have so very little of you but you have asked so much of me and yes I have hurt you because you have hurt me and we always lash out at the ones we love. Should I forget you and if I should I will tell you I will have an empty existance for the rest of my life as you are irreplaceable in my life, you are the man I have waited for my entire life, you are all I will ever need or want because I cannot breath without you so either talk to me or cut me free. 

Where Home Is

You make me smile
Even though I wait for you
All awhile

You touch me in a way
No other man could possibly
Put into words and say

My heart is yours today
Tomarrow and forever
Catch me when I fall
And let’s have it all

Be my guide
Let me try
To fill your heart
By never being apart

Give your pain to me
I will take it away you will see
Let me wipe away your tear
And let there be no more fear

I will be here for you
No matter where you roam
I am here I am your home.

Guide Me

I do not know who I can turn to as I have phone number to call or address to write to, I have no email to send questions I need answered to help guide me. My dad was my rock and he is no longer here for me and I feel like I am in a bottle floating on the ocean with no landing in sight. I need you so badly to help me make decisions because I do not know what to do, should I sell my house? Should I sell everything in it? Should I buy a new king size mattress again as I cancelled the one I had in lay away because I didn’t want to keep my bedroom suite but don’t know now.

This house is huge with three bedrooms upstairs, one for my daughter and one for my son the third one sits empty and the master bedroom is on the main floor with the study, great room, dining room, kitchen and laundry room. The basement is finished and is nicer then most people’s apartments. So what do I do? Tell me, do I sell and buy smaller and take a huge loss or do I stay and wait for you to live with me until the kids get out of school?

Shelby will be a senior in the fall and Ryan will be a sophomore so what do I do? I can’t leave here until Ryan graduates and I want to be able to have room for your children to visit or live if they ever need a place to stay here. This isn’t a house with love and never was, it will never be “our” home but a house and that is all and it can never be more to me or you or us as our life must be separate from our pasts. As long as I am with you I can live anywhere because your arms will keep me safe no matter how rough the sea of life becomes for either of us. My arms are always around you even though we are apart and I am always there for you and have been from day one as I hope you know.

Please call me, guide me and make me feel secure because this house is so lonely without anyone but me and the girls and they will be gone this weekend if I can keep Sassy longer I am as I am to damn weak to put her down and I know it. Bob put down Basil when I was in the hospital and that hurt me so bad as I needed to hug him just one more time before he was put down but Bob stole that moment from me as well as so many others.

You have hurt me for so long by keeping the truth from me but I have respect and realize you have to do what is best for you regardless who it hurts because if you are not happy then you cannot make anyone else happy. I don’t have point of mail and haven’t had it in a very long time and I do not expect you to believe me, why should you? Why would you? No, I haven’t shared another’s bed or am seeing anyone but you in my thoughts and dreams, no arms surround me but yours and no one can soothe me but you.

Please guide me as I am at a loss and need you more than ever now, please do not leave me afloat with no landing insight, please.