I am a puzzle to most and most cannot figure me out because they don’t understand how complex people really can be. I am such a simple person to figure out when you look at the big picture.
Our childhoods tell a story about us and my is no exception, raised by an abusive mother and no father that cared shaped me in many different ways, it made me tough, hate lieing, independent, carrying and loving, it made stand on my own and depend on no one.
I except disappointment as that has been my entire life, one big disappointment after another. I believed if I ever got married it would be a beautiful life but it was not and my husband married me for what I had not who I am.
I never used to cry but cry all the time now which relieves a lot of stress but is such a weakness at times. I cry more out of anger then anything because I am angry, very angry.
People tell me I am angry and should let it go, well you tell me would you not be angry if your spouse lied to you about how many times he was married or how many kids he had?
Would you not be angry if you worked your ass off and was debt free with money in the bank and your soon to be x spent it all and you got stuck with the tax bill?
Would you not be angry living in a huge fucking house that was built for him instead of us and you are stuck taking care of it by yourself with little or no money?
Would you not be angry if your spouse died and left your children?
Would you not be angry if your neighbors constantly called the cops on you because of your dogs?
Would you not be angry for being arrested and spending time in jail numerous times for things you did not do?
Would you not be angry for falling deeply in love with someone that never came to you?
Would you not be angry for being molested and raped?
Would you not be angry miscarrying a baby that you didn’t want but fell in love with regardless?
These are some of the reasons I am angry and I go to counseling two and three times a week. I am flushing out the anger along with all the other emotions that engulf me since my husband died.
Grieving is multi-faceted and you cannot experience the loss of a spouse on the side lines. It is like no other loss including a child or a parent. Our spouses fill the void for us as individuals and we confide in them with our fears, worries and concerns. We trust our spouses with our hopes, dreams and wishes and we let them in where no man has ever been.
Anger is part of grieving and when you have no one to help you from day to day life becomes angry but in the same breath you feel lost, abandoned again, sad, lonely, guilty and so much more.
You cannot walk away from emotions because the bastards are like leeches and suck the life right out of you no matter what. People do the same thing, look at the famous-they love the fame but not the blood suckers who follow their every move snapping pictures constantly and printing lies about them.
I am on a roller coaster of emotions daily because I am dealing with so much and every day something else falls on my plate. I am a strong tough old bird but even birds need to perch and rest for awhile.