Feeling MT

I feel nothing today, I feel completely empty and abandoned but I have always felt abandoned so this is nothing new. I feel like I have been erased as if I do not exist as if I am not here just my body is as my mind is empty of any thoughts except my son.

He had a dr. appointment today and his meds were changed again but not to my liking. You cannot just stop meds they have to be reduced and then finally you are weened off of them. I do not like my son drugged up and I do not like the way acts dead at times.

This is all disturbing to me and makes me feel like such a failure as a mother as I brought him into this world, he has my dna and that is flawed at best. I do not feel worthy of having my children as I feel I have nothing good to offer them.

I hope this is a passing phase but since I talked to some asshole on the phone telling me “I wanted it” I have felt empty and violated. It’s as if he was raping me over the phone and that makes me sick, why would anyone talk to someone they do not know like that?

I am nobody’s whore and I do not appreciate being talked to like that. These assholes on fb and on skype say they want to “know me” why in the fuck do they want to know me? So they can get laid? That’s not going to happen so give it up already.

I have no problem talking dirty when I am having sex but I do not want people I do not know talking to me that way as it makes me relive the rape over and over and I prefer not to go there but the words are the words he said and they still linger in my mind.

Men have no idea the effect rape has on a woman’s mind, no matter how much therapy you have it always lingers in the mind and it can be brought to the surface with words. Men need to understand that being violated is the absolute worse thing that anyone can feel.

I do not know who is playing these sick games but he better stop because I am not impressed one bit and it is a total turn off and makes me not want to “speak” to anyone on fb or skype. Today, I have absolutely no feelings of love for anyone as my emotions have been erased today and I do not understand why.

I feel nothing I talk to no one and I hide from everyone in my house where I feel safe at least for the mean time as I am never safe and I know that. I wish I could feel happy today but I do not, as I said I feel nothing and I really don’t care about anything.

You can fly from France to the States and then to Australia without so much as a thought about me so I have very few thoughts of you if any at all. I have never hid a damn thing about myself yet you hide, what is the problem? Are you afraid because you have been hurt? If that is the case then leave my life and go repair your own.

You are hurting me and do not care and you play games which do not make you appear like a man that I would have any interest in. Like I have said I fell in love with a virtual not a man and the two are definitely not the same person.

I do not want to love you or the virtual and I do not want a relationship with you or the virtual, I just want you to leave me alone because it is not beneficial to my life to have you around. Go play with someone else’s emotions and feelings as I am off limits.

Clouds Part

I looked up and saw the clouds slowly part and then the sky opened up and I was looking at God. God said to me, “my child do not weep” and I began to shed tears and as they rolled down my cheeks a smile began to spread across my face.

I was not weeping from sadness,o no I was weeping because I was in the presence of our Lord and that made me feel heavenly, it made me feel weightless and I felt as if I were floating. The presence of God in my life has made me who I am and I am proud of what I have become.

So many do not believe in God until something terrible happens and then they call out to him. For all the people that gave up on God, God never gave up on you and never will. God is not a myth or someone who was dreamed up, God is here and now for all of us.

My counselor asked me today how have I been able to deal with everything that has happened to me and my answer was quite short and simple, God I told her God is with me when I laugh, when I cry, when I hurt, when I am helping another. God is with me right this second next to me and protecting me.

She understood how I could put so much faith in God and she could see how I have accepted what is to be and I spoke of him to her and then the session ended. I wasn’t able to finish our discussion but I do know God watches over him and protects him as well.

He doesn’t understand that I am his protector, he thinks I am totally crazy which is fine as that is what I have expected. I am not going to let him make me feel like I am crazy because I know better and so does God. I didn’t go looking for “him” quite the contrary.

“He” came looking for me, he chose me and he has pursued me for years yet he is to afraid to show himself. Why did you come looking for me? Why did you choose me? Why have you pursued me so? Ask yourself these questions and when you have the answers you will know your destiny.

No Me

Sometimes life moves on without us and that is what has been happening to me, I have let life move on without me and I can no longer do that. I have so much to offer the right man and I thought I had “met” him but I have lied to myself.

You can love a virtual, you can get lost in the flower garden, you can smash the flowers but they will bloom again as shall I. I am but a small speck of sand on the ocean bottom that no ones sees or feels and it’s time for me to come to the surface and wash ashore.

I admit it, I am hurting from the heart but I have control over how I deal and feel and I no longer want to deal or feel pain of the heart. I tried, I tried so damn hard I reached out to him and he rejected me for the one he was with at that time.

I am no ones second choice and I am not available to fill someone’s bored evening, ya look at my tits and crotch ya go ahead jack off or admire or puke whatever feeling moves you. I gave and gave and gave and now I can give no more.

I can no longer be part of the grand plan and I can no longer deal with things that have no value in my life. I tried to love you but you rejected me and now that you want me I do not want you, isn’t that ironic? I’m done trying I’m done begging and I am done kissing your ass and playing your games.

I am a woman you are a man we are no longer children playing in the sandbox. If you want to know me then fucking come to me and know me don’t hide behind other names and faces, do not waste time as your time does have a limit and your life is finite as is mine.

Do not think of me as a fool or a broken woman as I am neither but yes, you have hurt me and continue to play hurtful games even though you are not trying to hurt me. I am the type that can be hurt as easy as it is to put a dent in a feather pillow.

I am way to sensitive and way to emotional but I know that and I must deal with it but I have told you how I am yet you still do what you know hurts me.

Do not wait for me

as I wait not for you,

do not hold me high in the sky

as I hold you at knee height,

do not love me

as I will not allow myself

to continue to love you,

go on your way and pick

the prettiest of carrots and

the prettiest of peas,

eat from the garden of life

drink from the stream

smile at your reflection

you see only one

not two as you should

why only one?

because there is no

ME

 

You And I

We were brought 

Together

By the hand of

God

We did not connect by

Accident

We have what each other

Needs

Not what each other 

Wants

We are of God

And God is our

Lead

He knows we are meant to

Be

We are meant to be

One

Together forever and 

Happy

We are to protect each

Other

Love, cherish and befriend each

Other

We are of

One

That is why God has crossed our

Paths

To unite and to fulfill our

Destiny

No one will love you more than

I

No one will love me more than

You

We will unite and become

One

Just you wait and

See

Naked Is

As naked does and I am always naked doing something around here. So you like my naked pic with the legs in the air do you? and the boobs as well? Interesting that you prefer pictures to the real thing but you have always been a porno boy haven’t you?

You say I am a dreamer, well you are as well because you prefer pictures and fantasizing and dreaming to having the real thing, shame on you. You know, If I want something I go and get it I do not wait for it to come to me as it never will.

If you want me you better come get me because like I said I am not waiting and when the time is ripe the right one for me will come along and snatch me up and then you will have no contact what so ever with me. It’s your call striker.

Be a striker or sit your ass on the bleachers and watch from the sidelines, only a quitter does that and you have not turned into a quitter have you or have you?

Fuck Fuck Fuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkk!

I hate waking up with pain, I was up at 330 this morning I think was the time, popped a pain pill and went back to bed. Woke up with the fucking pain again, damn hips hurt so bad constant pain for days and then it stops, especially bad when it rains.

My grandmother had the same problem, pain in the hips arthritis I assume but it hurts so damn bad it is hard to walk. Hot bath always helps a lot loosens the muscles and relaxes them but I do not want to take a bath as soon as I awaken. I’m one of those people that usually gets up and goes but the pain slows my ass to a halt for a while.

Next Wed back to court and those bafoons will not drop the charges so I will have to go to court again and will have a trial unless they drop the shit, which I have access to the record from the probate judge that says I am innocent but that takes time to get a hold of.

Next week I also get the good ole colonoscopy, don’t know how the fuck I’m getting there and back home but I cannot drive myself, typical bullshit problems of being alone. I think Big Rick will be in town and if not maybe the judge will sign the paperwork regarding the kids.

Shelby can pick me up and take me home, I know I will be drugged up for the test. I’m not concerned but since my dad passed from colon cancer it’s good to get checked and call it a day. I have to see my probation officer this Friday and then I’m off to the campground.

Need to get shit done there so I can hopefully sell by the end of the season which is coming up rather fast. It’s a shame to spend 1600.00 a year on “rent” and not use the place but that is the way life is. Hopefully that asshole at that law firm will settle and be done so I can get my loan.

What an arrogant prick trying to get me to sign off and pay him $2500 for services he fucked me over on and thinks he can benefit from it as well, fuck him. He doesn’t want me to file with the bar to fucking bad prick. He thinks he is God’s gift to women, he is a user and a piece of shit.

Now that I have that out of my system I feel better but I still do not like the way that “Gabriel” talked to me like I was some kind of slut. You do not talk to me like that unless you know me and he doesn’t know me and he comes across very arrogant and talked to me like all I wanted was his cock.

Well, buddy I can get cock anywhere any day and much easier than you can get pussy. I do not need to be talked too like that and will not. Sure, I admit it fucking you is on my “bucket list” but it is not in the top ten so don’t even go there.

I like to be talked to just like anyone else that you first meet, you do not talk bullshit and sex, hi I’m Kimberly “can I fuck you? I know you want me” is not quite the way I approach someone I do not know. Just shows lack of respect and absolutely 0 class.

He says he’s in Albany, probably with “jasmine” the two of them played me well now didn’t they? Well, that is in the past and will not be repeated. He says his youngest son’s name is Brian that is bullshit as well unless his youngest son was bore by another woman than his wife.

I am giving him one last chance and that is it, I have invited him to the campground and I know he won’t show up so I guess I can just call this virtual relationship dead, just like an old used up computer. He can take his iphone and ipad and shove up his I ass for all I care.

Well it’s time to take my morning shit and flush out all the trash that I have consumed in the last 24 including all the mental shit as well. This colonoscopy will be good for me as it will flush all the shit that has stuck way the hell up my ass.

Katie is moving to Minnesota the end of the next month and I am glad because I do not want Ryan getting to close to her. She has a plan and I already know it because she is full of anger and hate for me and I will not let her use my kids to get back at me.

Her anger is misplaced but she doesn’t seem to think so but she will never get her hands on a fucking dime I put away for the kids. I just wish she really cared about my kids but that isn’t going to happen because she is so jealous that her dad spent his time with them, even though he only existed around here.

It’s so interesting he is in Albany but his phone call comes from Monroe, guess I’m the stupid fuck huh? I am so tired of being led around by my nose that I am sick to death of this game and will no longer play it. He can continue to pine away for O or S or FU or whom ever because that is his life and doesn’t concern me any longer.

 

The Fool Am I

How do I let myself get sucked into such bullshit? I honestly thought I was talking to gabriel , the man I fell in love with but I can see I was being played with again. I don’t give a fuck if he is famous in fact that is a turn off, but one must accept a person for who they are.

When someone leads me to think I am talking to Gabriel and then I start to cry because I think finally, finally I am going to be with him, meet him and I just wanted to know if what I felt was real. I have been having these feelings for so long and just want to know if they are real.

But I am played with like a fucking toy and I cannot deal with that, it is to painful for me and this isn’t fun but hurtful. When I care, I care very deeply and do not take my feelings lightly, I am not a superficial person and do not like feeling this way without validation and I will never get validated it appears.

Lovely

You may think I am lovely but I am not by today’s standards, I am overweight and lonely and just want to feel the love of another. I don’t want fake acts of kindness or those that pretend to care as I can see right through them.

I didn’t sleep good last night because the pain in my back and my hip really was to much. I got up popped a pain pill and went back to bed until 1 p.m., got up ate and popped 3 more pain pills and yes they finally took away the pain but now I am sweating profusely.

I do not pop pills but every once in a while I need to escape the pain and drink a few beers to kick it in. Not smart I know but I do no I’m not going to die or overdose. I need to get in the shower but just don’t think I can do it without getting hurt.

I can so easily slip and fall and now that I have the pain buzz I do not want to hurt myself. I would so love to be spending the afternoon in bed with “him” doing nothing but relaxing. I love tieing 

I wish he would come to me and we could just play all day, yes I do want him to penetrate my ass one day when I am ready as I want to feel him inside me I want us to be one and feel as one, I want us to learn and share so much.

Lonely Chest

 

I would so like to have him with me at this very moment with his head cradled between my boobs so I could run my hand through his hair and talk softly to him.

He needs to learn to relax and I could teach him how to control the things that rule his mind. I think he needs to get reevaluated again because you can never rely on just one opinion as they are never all right all the time. It’s fine to be ill and it’s even better to have someone understand.

I dated a guy that was bipolar and it worked out good until his x started causing me to much trouble and he had to go. She cut my tires, broke out house windows, stole mail, mailed me fucked up letters ect. I couldn’t sleep anymore because I didn’t know what she would do next.

He got so upset he started getting physical with me and that was the last straw, I do not let anyone hit me and stay around. He got so wacked he literally ripped my clothes off of me and tied me to the bed and raped me over and over.

He didn’t consider it rape but it was not consentual sex and he said he was proving that he loved me and only me as if I even questioned that. He didn’t love me, he liked being treated like a person for a change and he became my owner in his mind.

I have had my share of bad relationships in one form or another but I do not see this happening with “him”. He is wanting to help himself but he needs help and doesn’t seem to be getting the right diagnosis, I do not know but that is the feeling I have.

If he would come to me and let me be his friend I would cradle him between my breasts and show him affection and relaxing techniques that would make him feel so much peace. He would be so surprised that he could feel like that and he would want to feel it regularly like I do.

He can be with any woman and he may fall in love with her but he will be hard pressed to find a woman that wants to help him and can. I can do so much for him if he would only let me, I want to see him feel good about who he is and how good life can be.

I will admit I want to lie naked next to him and touch his body and make love to him but that is a secondary thought to his welfare. I am a caregiver and always have been and I can literally feel what others feel and I feel unease within him.

I wish so much he would come to the campground or my house and he could stay with me while I teach him some great techniques to control the mind robbers. I would so love to bath him slowly and relax him and dry him off and take him to bed with the fan blowing on us even thought the air is on.

I want to see him laugh and be happy, let out the stress and frustration and find himself, I can so help him with all of this if he would only let me. I love this man so much I would be willing to help him with no strings attached and he can go back to “her” being so much happier.

I would even go to him if that would be easier for him, but I love him that much-help him and set him free to go back to “her”. Love isn’t all about oneself, it’s about doing what is helpful for someone else even if it doesn’t include you.

Ya, sweetie I love you and want what ever you think is best for you, if you know what that is. I am here for you and no other man can fill your shoes. Not even those ugly green converse shoes, please come to me so I can just hold you and be there for you.

Come this weekend to the campground and let’s just talk, no sex unless it happens, no games or lies I am here for you and you alone. Let me be your friend and hold your hand and show you the way that will show you happiness within you does exist.

This weekend is a huge weekend for you and for me, this is the weekend that your life will change if you choose it to. This is our weekend, yes this weekend is for you and I so take advantage of the invitation and let’s have some fun.

Going

I have decided to go to the campground next week and get the waterline unplugged and cut the grass. Haven’t been there in so long. I need to go and relax and it’s just nice to get away from the house for awhile as I am getting sick of it here.

I did something so fucking stupid when Cindy was living with me, fuck I put an add on backpage for escort service and used my pics so when people called I told them I was busy and Cindy went, she was nothing but a really messed up alcoholic and thief.

Cost me 3 grand to get rid of her but it was well worth it, now I’m getting these fucked up calls and don’t know how to delete the fucking add. I never went on any calls and wouldn’t because that isn’t me but this shit is getting ridiculous and has got to stop.

I am tired of all the bullshit and games that life throws my way and I just want to settle down with one person and build a life. It seems that I am asking to much but I do know in time things will turn in my favor as they always do, eventually.