Letting You Be

You took me by the hand and whisked me away

But that was on another day

Today I dont want to be

With you for eternity

You hurt me once

You hurt me twice

I now no longer want

To be your wife

You play with me like a toy

My emotions are not of a boy

I am tender and sweet

Many even think I am neat

But you do not care

Nor do you share

So I am leaving this scene

Because you are mean

I no longer will let love blind me

I am leaving and letting you be 

Sassimo My Sweet

It’s time to either put down Sassy or find her a good home and I got a call so it looks like she will go to a good home with seven kids. I am not able to put her down, I cannot kill an animal it just isn’t in me and it is tearing me apart to let my last dog go but I have to do what is best for her not myself. My pets have always given me unconditional love and I have always treated them the same way, my pets loved me more than my parents and I have chosen to replace people in my life with pets.

People always let me down, use me or lie to be and abuse me and I cannot deal well with that any longer. Few understand me and my own daughter has told me to give up the pets and be with people but I find pets to give me more comfort than anyone has ever in my life and I don’t see that changing. Everyone wants me to change and rearrange my life and I do not want to because I am satisfied with who and where I am at this point and time.

I am difficult to understand and even harder to live with but that is me and I am not changing for anyone and I will not play gumby and let someone form me into their ideal woman. I will never have another pet again because it’s to hard for me to let go and I do not for see myself being involved with another man. I have allowed myself to fall in love with someone that is not there for me and I am letting him go as well as I have to for my own protection.

I have never been in love in my adult life until I was scammed and then of course I eventually fell head over heels in love with him and discovered how great it feels. We live in two different worlds and are worlds apart and I do not see that changing either. One day I see us together the next I do not and I am left with so many questions with no answers from him so I have to let go of him as well, it appears my life is nothing but endings but I can no longer lie to myself about my life, my future and the people in it.

He is a wonderful man that will find a wonderful woman and he will live a grand life like he used to, I just hope he is careful this month with cars, cars can hurt him if they are not maintenance or he isn’t careful driving and with mercury going retrograde from the fourteen of this month until the eighth of next month I hope he doesn’t spend big on any one thing or sign contracts. He has an awesome job prospect but he needs to be cautious and sign the contract now or wait until after the eighth.

I cannot warn him and will leave him to his own devices and pray he protects himself, he thinks I think I know it all but I don’t know shit about a damn thing I have found out. I have been like a compass going in circles but have finally found my direction in life and it does not include pets or him. Sometimes doing what is best sucks but I have no choice because I am here living alone in this huge house and I have health issues that I am attending too. I have no desire to die but the life I am living is empty and I feel abandoned by everyone including him.

Sassimo will go to a great home and I will be spared putting her down because if I had to it would literally kill me and I cannot let that happen at least not yet. I have several years to go until the kids are on their way and no longer need me the way they do now. I am all they have and have to be there for them so checkout is closed to me and I am ok with that, my kids want to be with me so bad but it isn’t time yet because I need to straighten out the legal shit I am up against and I will this month or next for sure.

It is time for me to take a vacation and I plan on it next month, I need a break from all the death and despair I have dealt with and I will go alone somewhere where I have never been outside the states. It’s time for Kimberly to learn to live again, breathe again and be herself and I will, just have to decide where to go as this world is so big, maybe Brazil, Chile, Argentina, France maybe Nigeria or Bali I do not know but I am going somewhere for sure. The toughest part is the decision making because that is all I do is make decisions every damn day and I want to go without a phone, computer and they can just shove food under the door for all I care because I need a mental rest. 

I am not suppose to leave the state but fuck it I don’t care it is time for some tender loving care and who knows maybe I will meet the man that is to be my next husband but I will not be looking. Maybe I will find my purpose in life, who knows. If nothing else I will see another country and enjoy the fuck out of myself for a change and I will do it even if it fucking kills me, I will enjoy myself. I will think of no one but myself which I never do and to think of just myself is a foreign act to me but it’s time to think of me for a change and no one else. 

Setting Your Soul Free

I realized today was the day to let go and I am setting your soul free finally, it is time for me to let you lie down your burden of the kids and I and let you move on to the next world where you belong. I have tried to hold you back for the kids but that hasn’t been possible and today I have finally started to get rid of the worldly things that once were yours. It hasn’t been hard at all which makes me feel some guilt but you must realize our marriage was hell for me in so many ways.

You lied to me from the beginning, two marriages and three kids? wtf Bob and fifty grand in debt that you neglected to mention while you lived in an eight hundred dollar apartment a month and lived like you  were financially stable, which was so far from the damn truth, did you not learn the truth from lies or was it just me you lied to? We both know why we got married, I married you because I was pregnant and didn’t want to raise a child without both parents, you married me because I had my own home, two cars, two businesses and worked tons of overtime.

Let’s not fool ourselves we used each other but for different reasons and you damn well know it so don’t walk around like you are so damn innocent because you are not. I helped pay for Kristie’s college and Katie’s private high school and saved for Shelby’s future and what did you save? Not a damn thing as you always had to have the biggest and best we could afford and thought I was such a stickler about money, which I had no choice but to be.

Kristie was so damn jealous when I was pregnant with Ryan that she got herself knocked up and once again I came to the rescue as usual. Let her live under my roof, paid for all her maternity clothes and bought that baby everything she needed and she is beautiful but the ass you are never got to see how beautiful your granddaughter is because you just wouldn’t come down off your high ass perch and try to resolve issues with your girls and now I am the piece of shit that caused the tiff between you guys.

I never considered myself a step mom and yet I take the fall because you guys couldn’t come to terms with issues between you, that is not fair but when were you ever fair? When were you ever honest with me? Did you ever love me? No, I was the one that saved your live several hundred times remember? I was the one that took your parents out of that mouse infested house and brought them here and then your mom passed so fast and I took care of your dad until he passed. You never raised a fucking finger to help me either and even when I told you your dad was walking around the house with nothing but a t shirt on you didn’t do a damn thing. Your dad was hung like a horse dragging his cock around and you wouldn’t say a damn thing.

I am the one that straightened out our finances and got us debt free with money in the bank and you pissed that all away, on what? Dollar store shit that I am throwing out daily, you lied to the kids and told them I had men living in the house with me, wtf Bob why? Why would you want to hurt your own children with lies? You are such a fucking ass and selfish and you spent more time on the fucking grass than you did with your own family.

This is my letter to you to dump all the shit I have carried for eighteen years and I will no longer carry it and you can just move your ass down the highway to heaven and let us move on as well. You were not all bad as a person, but you bought me shit all the time, yes shit not a damn thing I wanted but what you thought I needed, like that new vacuum for my birthday-woop the fuck ee and I was so damn lucky that you took me out to dinner what, three times a year maybe? We never saw a movie or even watched tv together, we never did a damn thing together but you always played the perfect husband role to the asswipe neighbors and I was always the bad guy.

It’s fine because  I am stronger than you could of ever been and I am a survivor even though you ripped out my heart and ate it for a snack when you died. I have cried over you for over a year and I am through crying and letting my life stay stationery, it’s time for the kids and I to move on and we are. You can no longer hurt me as I fold up your clothes and put them in a box for the salvation army and throw away the shit that you treasured.

I have kept your birth certificate, military release, drivers license and death certificates because if I ever do remarry I need a death certificate I believe and the kids may need the papers one day or just may want them for what ever reason. You will no longer be my master and ball and chain, you will no longer have power over me and hurt me or lie to me and you will no longer try to run my life because it is time for you  to go permanently out of my life and let me live once again.

When you were dying I didn’t have to invite your ex wife or kids over to see you but it was the right thing. You spent twenty years with Kay and you two had your youth and two kids together and she needed to let go of all the anger she had towards you and you her. It was a cleansing for both of you but I didn’t have to do it but I did because it was the right thing and no matter what I respect the union of marriage even when it is over and the life people have shared together. I couldn’t believe it when Kay hugged me at your funeral no we didn’t speak because we didn’t have to, we both knew we had lost you but I gave her the privacy with you to put to rest  the anger.

You would have never done the same for me and I know that because you were always a selfish bastard and still are I have no doubt. You helped everyone but your own family and I have always helped you and you know it. I am pissed at you and I am going to counseling to work on the anger and I am moving forward without you because I need to and I want to and my counselor told me it was ok to tell you how I really felt so I am.

I will always remember you fondly even though you are an ass and always will be but we did have a few  good times even though you still don’t get why I prefer wild flowers to roses, you never did understand me so don’t even try now because it’s way to late. Why don’t you do something wonderful like let your kids know that you haven’t forgotten them and tap them on the shoulder once in a while and whisper you still love them and always will, can you do that? Please? 

 

Happy Now?

You have made it plain to me you want to play fucking games and I will not play them with you any longer, got that? I am through will your bullshit and I will no longer tolerate you playing with me like some fucking toy. You insult my intelligence and treat me like I am stupid and I am through with that shit. I no longer want to meet you let alone marry you and I would appreciate it if you leave me the fuck alone for a change.

Go play with someone else that has the intestinal fortitude to put up with your shit as I do not and cannot as it is making me sicker than I already am, happy now?  

Beg

Why are you making me wait for you? Why won’t you come to me and let us be together finally? Do you not want to be with me? Do you want me to beg you? I will not beg you because if that is what it is going to take then you do not want me and I know that isn’t true, it cannot be. There will always be a me and you but can never be an us if you don’t make a move to make me yours and you mine. You are breaking my heart don’t you know?

Let us be together and let us share what is ours and let me love you finally please as that is what I have been waiting for. Have you given up on us so soon without a beginning for us? Please come to me as I cannot come to you because you hide from me and I do not know why. Please give me direction so I know which way to turn as I am going in circles waiting for you. Do not hold back from me any longer as it hurts me so.

Let us share what is our today, this moment, this second let us no longer be apart but be together and grow as one as we should be. I am so lonely without you and need to talk to you about my fears and accomplishments, my life without you is empty, totally barren don’t you know? I cannot tell you what is in my heart as I must show you in the dark. Take my hand and I will take yours and together we can build an empire that can with stand any amount of controversy.

There should never be moments apart but we have spent a life time apart and it is now that we should come together and protect the castle from those that want to tear it down. No one can tear us down because we are invisible can’t you see that? 

I wish I had the opportunity to tell you thank you for being my strength when things have been so bad for me. I have finally started to go through the funeral papers and cards when Bob passed and I have been throwing them out. I have been going through all of his records and pitching them as well and I haven’t shed a single tear, just feel relief which is about time and I feel so much better. I was talking to a gal at the campground who lost her husband nine years ago and she validated every emotion I have had which is what I needed.

She is forty six but to hear another woman vocalize my emotions was such a relief because I didn’t know that what I was feeling was “normal”. The anger I have felt for so long is finally subsiding which I am so glad for as it has been eating me up inside. You are always on my mind and I am always talking to you but you aren’t here to listen and I have no number or email to reach you by. I hold on tight to the sound of your voice as it is so soothing and gentle, so understanding and loving.

You have gotten me through more days and nights than you will ever know and that means the world to me but you are not here for me to tell this too. I write and write because I have no one I feel safe with telling all my emotions and feelings to and even though you are reading this I still need to put it down on “paper”. I enjoy writing and it relieves my pain, emotional stress and sexual discomfort as I write my sexual fantasies of us and I doubt there is an us.

I don’t know why you would want to be with me and I never will figure it out because you have access to so many women in your life that I could never hold a candle to any of them, well maybe a few. Men are men and men love women and women’s bodies, men love sex and it is that simple. I love men and men’s bodies and sex as well but I just cannot bring myself to be with another man but you even though we have never been together.

I know I should  be out fucking my way through this world but my heart loves you and you alone and I can’t change that, no it’s not because you are a hot ass guy, it’s because of you inside, the person you really are, the sweet, kind, gentle man that you have grown to become. I don’t need to spend a minute with you to know this as you have grown so much over the past three years and I hear it in your voice, in your words. You have changed so much for the better and I see you in the true light that you stand in.

I wish you would talk to me nima and call me because I’m concerned about my health, I have had to ultra sounds of my abdomen because I am in so much pain, I had a vaginal ultrasound inside and outside and a mammogram, went to the dentist and waiting for a colonoscopy. My dad passed from colon cancer so the doctor is concerned because of the pain I am having and he couldn’t feel anything. I got my yearly pap done and waiting for the results.

The doctor is looking for cancer but I doubt that and won’t worry about that at this point and will just wait for the results. You are not going to get rid of me that easily I assure you and I have to much living to die just quite yet. I have to deal with the felony charge this month as well and if the court drops the charges which my attorney believes will happen under the circumstances I am going to sue the shit out of that fucking police department.

The handcuffs were put on so tight that I no longer have feeling in my right thumb and had black and blue marks on my wrists because of the blood thinners, spending two weeks in jail wasn’t a picnic but I survived because of you and you alone. I talked to you every day and I kept hearing you tell me to be strong and you would be getting a visa one way or the other to come to me. I know it was foolish thinking but it got me through never the less.

I wish you were in front of me so I could tell you how much I adore you, yes I absolutely adore you and you are my saving grace if you weren’t why would we still have contact after three long hard years? It is God’s plan for us to be together and I do not doubt that one minute even when I get down hearted and want to give up and walk away. You seem to pull out the trip wire on my ass every time I try to turn my back on you. You just won’t let me give up on you will you?