I have somehow lost control over my life and how I live it, I spend days doing nothing but writing and making a simple mean just to stop the pains of hunger. I do not enjoy eating alone but eat alone everyday and rarely go out. I go out to get more cigarettes and the mail from my post office box, I go out to see my doctors or lawyers thank goodness there isn’t an indian chief to add to that list as well. I look at the clutter and shit lieing around and find it distasteful but do very little or nothing at all about it.
I have made attempts to clean my house but why bother as there are no visitors and no one knows what it is like in this house except me. It’s a lonely building of four walls and the tv is on so I do not feel totally alone. I want to get drunk but cannot because the family that is taking Sassy tonight will be here between six and seven and I cannot get shit faced and hide, it just wouldn’t be fitting. Sassy is the last of my beloved dogs to go, she is so sweet but I have to be an unfit parent, even to my dogs, my pets and my loves.
I haven’t smoked a joint in almost two months and the desire to get high and escape is at the top of the list as I sit naked except for panties on my couch. I look out the window frequently, for what I have no idea as there is nothing outside not even a bird I can see. I spend my days running from the loneliness and find no comfort anywhere and my life has been filled with disappoint after disappoint and no amount of money can change that.
The person I want to be with is never available to me and I have no clue why which makes me a damn idiot I guess. I cannot accept the thoughts and facts at hand because I refuse to let myself accept the truth as my mind knows it, the truth is unknown to me and speculation takes me into places that are unsavory to me in every way. I cannot stand the thought of him with another woman yet I know he has been with so many and probably is with one now.
I am no catch but do believe I am better for him than any other woman because I do feel more than love for him as love is way down the list. I want for him so many things first and yes I love him but that is not high on the list as I want him healthy and happy, I want him to be all that he can be and is so capable of, I want him to eat right, sleep well and take care of his health as I have learned unfortunately what happens when we do not take care of ourselves.
I try to reject him every minute of every day but cannot keep the rejection in tact because I do love him so which is tearing me apart. Did you ever play he loves me he loves me not with a flower petals? I do that in my mind because flowers are to beautiful to destroy and love is the same way as it is to beautiful to destroy yet I have done it so often with so many. I have never felt loved and that includes even by my children and it all stems from the lack of being loved by my mother.
I hate the person she molded me into and try as I may I cannot undo the damage she has done yet I still keep trying. As much as I want to be loved and need to be loved I have a terrible time letting others close to me for fear of reprisal of my own daily actions. I stay secluded in my home because I have no desire to socialize with those of this world as they seem to offer me nothing and I need to go out and find someone with some intelligence worth conversing with but that is not easy to do.
I have lived in an area of the world where Steel Mills and Car factories have ruled the employment sector and most have worked in either place most of their lives. They have no desire to better themselves as they are happy to work overtime and make more money to buy more shit without a single thought of furthering their education or widening their knowledge base. I am not above average in intelligence but have tried to further my education.
I find the world to be so fascinating but not the people who live in it as they get seduced by money and money only. Most choose a Florida vacation instead of looking outside the United States and they are never looking for mental stimulation, no they chose to want to get drunk on a beach and fuck someone they will never see again. People do not respect other’s or themselves and they do not want to help anyone but themselves, which is why this world is the way it is.
Those that meet either immediately like me or dislike me because I am someone who talks straight and honestly, honest to a fault in fact and undesirable to most as people want to hear lies on the truth, they want smoke blown up their ass and to receive false compliments because so many are fake to begin with. I can be funny at times and so many think I am hilarious and enjoy spending time with me, I do not try to be funny, I just say whats on my mind which blows people away and makes them laugh as I say what most think.
I compliment women and men alike because I say what is on my mind and people need to be complimented, I do what most wish they were capable of and I demonstrate the caring I have for another without thinking twice, I am not special I just chose to live my life honestly and bring happiness into other people’s life because it is what makes me happy. I so enjoy doing and giving to others, I enjoy making people happy but I am more than capable of hurting people very deeply and I am well aware of that.
I love to escape the world and go fishing where it is quiet and I can be with my thoughts and nature, which is a perfect combination to me. I enjoy the sound of the water moving and the thrill of the catch, I can fillet my own fish and bait my own my own hook without being grossed out or scared which so many are. I enjoy getting dirty working on my riding lawn mower or cleaning the garage and I love my tools which is suppose to be a man thing.
I am masculine and feminine which is an odd combination as I have become aware of and possibly the reason I get along so well with men. I really enjoy men because they show me new ways to do things that help me and they think differently than a woman. Women get on my nerves because they are so damn catty, jealous, insecure and want a man to take care of them which is so not me as I prefer to know a man can take care of me but do not need him to.
I have always taken care of others and that is all I know because no one has ever taken care of me and I don’t know how to let someone even try. I have no respect for weakness and people that are weak are not in my life because I will not let them. Weak people drain me due to their neediness and even I am needy at times but thankfully not often because I refuse to let myself be that way. Men like to be needed and be the “man of the house” which is fine and I do need a man without a doubt I do but he must be strong and self assured, not jealous and insecure which is a combination so damn difficult to find.
The type of man I require is strong, independent, loving, warm, intelligent and is a leader he need not be handsome or rich he just needs to be himself and that is why I am so damn crazy about one man in particular. He is everything I could ever want or need and he has the strength and ability not to put up with my horse shit which is so awesome to me but I can see where we would have a love hate relationship. He is a constant challenge and keeps me on my toes and I love him for that but I also hate the games he plays with me at times but quite frankly love hate relationships are the best as making up after an argument is the exciting part and I can see us doing a lot of making up.
I want him in my life so bad but do not know how to get him to want me back and come to me, maybe he will never come to me and maybe he doesn’t want me but I have no idea and haven’t for three years. I don’t know if I mean a damn thing to him or not and I do not know if he feels anything for me at all. He may not realize it but I am the woman for him and not because I say so because that is what God has intended no matter what other’s may think.