With Johnny

As you sit there and read this I hope you realize I know you are reading this and have everything I have written here as well as erotic fantasy life, I am quite aware that you have your nose clear up my ass following every move I make and you attempt to trip me up with contacting me and having others contact me. What is it you really want to know? Am I “cheating” on you, lol am I seeing someone? Am I on dating sites again, well you know that one for sure now don’t you?

You love beef and I am one huge beef cake waiting for you to take a bite you damn fool and I am real, maybe to real for you to believe such a person exists, someone that really loves you for yourself you asshole. You always are thinking of me and me you yet we have never been together and I fear for your life if we were, I truly do as I could hurt you in a good way leaving you unable to walk for many hours and make you sleep for days because I will knock your ass out!

I don’t think it is possible for you to absorb all the love I have to give to one man, no I do not because I am literally over flowing with love for your sorry ass. You need to be whipped into shape because you are all fucked up, I think almost as bad as I am but I am working on myself as you already know. When you get it together and are strong enough to come to me you will find me to be all that I claim to be and no I am not all knowing but no enough to run circles around you my boy.

I am so much more than I write and I am a beautiful person inside I really am and you already know that but like to lash out because I hurt your feelings, well hell come to mama and I will breast feed you, will that make you feel better? You may be all man but that little boy keeps popping out and showing his face and I adore him, yes I do and don’t ever lose him because he is as cute as your ass he is and he keeps me giggling all the fucking time.

Hey, if you don’t want to be with me fine but I know different and have for so long but if you are involved with someone else so be it and be happy is all I want for you. I want you to be thrilled to be with whom ever you are with and I don’t want you to settle for someone because it may feel right. I would hope you were two hundred percent sure before you committed your life to someone and that includes any woman because committment requires so much as you know and you were committed for only so long in your marriage.

So shut the fuck up and come to me so I can molest you properly or get the fuck out of my backyard and off my swing set so I can share it with johnny or who the fuck ever, got that? 

Let The Rodeo Begin

We met online three years ago when you were broke and in need of money and you chose a rather unconventional way of raising funds, at least I thought so. I was so naive and thought only the best of people and never thought of being involved in any type of scam and in fact didn’t even know scamming existed, lol. What a fool I was but I learned over time I was a victim of one person in particular who was uncountless names and faces on the net.

You scammed me out of so much money yet I learned so much from you and fell in love with you and I do not believe you felt proud of yourself or even liked what you had done to so many. I do not believe that is the man I know in any way, shape or form in fact I believe you hated yourself for what you were doing and had done to so many. I refuse to believe you are one that deliberately sets out to hurt people but found no other way to get what you needed.

No, I do not condone what you have done but do believe you had fallen into a fast track way of filling your pockets and it became a way of life after a while. I do not believe you are one bit happy with yourself for doing your dirty deeds and believe you do have quite a bit of regret and remorse. I truly believe you know how much you have hurt me and regret it and I believe you have feelings for me even if they do not fall into the category of love.

You keep my interest because you go against the grain and do things you have no desire to do but do them anyway. You keep my interest because you are intelligent, gentle, always learning, life and people intrigue you, you’re love of life and giving nature. You are easy on the eyes and even if you were not you would still be attractive to me and I love the person you are. You make me tick and keep me on my toes which no one has ever done.

I get so damn mad at you but isn’t that what you want? Someone that will not put up with your shit and kiss your ass? I know you do not respect all the ass kissers that have surrounded you and you are tired of fake people and I am like a breath of fresh air because I will not put up with your shit or blow smoke up your ass and that is one reason I confuse you so because you have been surrounded by fake people for so long that someone real blows your mind.

You are not used to being told to go fuck yourself or shut the fuck and you find that challenging and fun because it’s unique and so different, which is exactly what attracts you. I could never be a follower of yours or anybody elses because that isn’t me and never will be and no, I will not kiss your ass unless we are making love so got that? Sure, I will kiss and nibble on your ass as I am plotting your molestation and you would be loving every minute of it.

If you want me you are going to have to catch me first and I know for a fact you could hardly walk at one time, so fuck it crawl if you have to and maybe I will stay close enough for you to almost grab but not close enough for you to get just yet. Let’s have some fun with this for a while longer until you grow balls big enough to try to take what you want and maybe just maybe I will stand still long enough for you to grab me.

I am being to think I scare the shit out of you and you do not know what to think and you are fearing your own feelings, which is fine because I want you to fear me, yes fear me bitch lol. You make me laugh and no one has done that in so long and you also piss me the fuck off which is fine because it keeps my interest but does get tiresome.  I will tell you one thing, you will never fuck me, no you won’t but I will fuck you at my leisure and make love to you with all the passion a woman could ever have.

Come let’s play and teach each other, let’s enjoy each other and play in the sunshine, let us travel to unknown places and be anonymous faces, let us open our hearts to each other and feel the love that surrounds us. Let us be ourselves and let us be happy for a change, really happy, let us be silly and do stupid shit, let us touch and feel the electricity and let us grow into one caring for each other and watching each other’s backs.

The truth is I love you and that won’t fucking go away no matter how much I try to stop I cannot and if you don’t want to be with me so be it but I love you and that is that. It’s time for you to shut the fuck up and come to me and show me what I have been missing if anything so come on let the rodeo begin. 

What Other’s Think

I have somehow lost control over my life and how I live it, I spend days doing nothing but writing and making a simple mean just to stop the pains of hunger. I do not enjoy eating alone but eat alone everyday and rarely go out. I go out to get more cigarettes and the mail from my post office box, I go out to see my doctors or lawyers thank goodness there isn’t an indian chief to add to that list as well. I look at the clutter and shit lieing around and find it distasteful but do very little or nothing at all about it.

I have made attempts to clean my house but why bother as there are no visitors and no one knows what it is like in this house except me. It’s a lonely building of four walls and the tv is on so I do not feel totally alone. I want to get drunk but cannot because the family that is taking Sassy tonight will be here between six and seven and I cannot get shit faced and hide, it just wouldn’t be fitting. Sassy is the last of my beloved dogs to go, she is so sweet but I have to be an unfit parent, even to my dogs, my pets and my loves.

I haven’t smoked a joint in almost two months and the desire to get high and escape is at the top of the list as I sit naked except for panties on my couch. I look out the window frequently, for what I have no idea as there is nothing outside not even a bird I can see. I spend my days running from the loneliness and find no comfort anywhere and my life has been filled with disappoint after disappoint and no amount of money can change that.

The person I want to be with is never available to me and I have no clue why which makes me a damn idiot I guess. I cannot accept the thoughts and facts at hand because I refuse to let myself accept the truth as my mind knows it, the truth is unknown to me and speculation takes me into places that are unsavory to me in every way. I cannot stand the thought of him with another woman yet I know he has been with so many and probably is with one now.

I am no catch but do believe I am better for him than any other woman because I do feel more than love for him as love is way down the list. I want for him so many things first and yes I love him but that is not high on the list as I want him healthy and happy, I want him to be all that he can be and is so capable of, I want him to eat right, sleep well and take care of his health as I have learned unfortunately what happens when we do not take care of ourselves.

I try to reject him every minute of every day but cannot keep the rejection in tact because I do love him so which is tearing me apart. Did you ever play he loves me he loves me not with a flower petals? I do that in my mind because flowers are to beautiful to destroy and love is the same way as it is to beautiful to destroy yet I have done it so often with so many. I have never felt loved and that includes even by my children and it all stems from the lack of being loved by my mother.

I hate the person she molded me into and try as I may I cannot undo the damage she has done yet I still keep trying. As much as I want to be loved and need to be loved I have a terrible time letting others close to me for fear of reprisal of my own daily actions. I stay secluded in my home because I have no desire to socialize with those of this world as they seem to offer me nothing and I need to go out and find someone with some intelligence worth conversing with but that is not easy to do.

I have lived in an area of the world where Steel Mills and Car factories have ruled the employment sector and most have worked in either place most of their lives. They have no desire to better themselves as they are happy to work overtime and make more money to buy more shit without a single thought of furthering their education or widening their knowledge base. I am not above average in intelligence but have tried to further my education.

I find the world to be so fascinating but not the people who live in it as they get seduced by money and money only. Most choose a Florida vacation instead of looking outside the United States and they are never looking for mental stimulation, no they chose to want to get drunk on a beach and fuck someone they will never see again. People do not respect other’s or themselves and they do not want to help anyone but themselves, which is why this world is the way it is.

Those that meet either immediately like me or dislike me because I am someone who talks straight and honestly, honest to a fault in fact and undesirable to most as people want to hear lies on the truth, they want smoke blown up their ass and to receive false compliments because so many are fake to begin with. I can be funny at times and so many think I am hilarious and enjoy spending time with me, I do not try to be funny, I just say whats on my mind which blows people away and makes them laugh as I say what most think.

I compliment women and men alike because I say what is on my mind and people need to be complimented, I do what most wish they were capable of and I demonstrate the caring I have for another without thinking twice, I am not special I just chose to live my life honestly and bring happiness into other people’s life because it is what makes me happy. I so enjoy doing and giving to others, I enjoy making people happy but I am more than capable of hurting people very deeply and I am well aware of that.

I love to escape the world and go fishing where it is quiet and I can be with my thoughts and nature, which is a perfect combination to me. I enjoy the sound of the water moving and the thrill of the catch, I can fillet my own fish and bait my own my own hook without being grossed out or scared which so many are. I enjoy getting dirty working on my riding lawn mower or cleaning the garage and I love my tools which is suppose to be a man thing.

I am masculine and feminine which is an odd combination as I have become aware of and possibly the reason I get along so well with men. I really enjoy men because they show me new ways to do things that help me and they think differently than a woman. Women get on my nerves because they are so damn catty, jealous, insecure and want a man to take care of them which is so not me as I prefer to know a man can take care of me but do not need him to.

I have always taken care of others and that is all I know because no one has ever taken care of me and I don’t know how to let someone even try. I have no respect for weakness and people that are weak are not in my life because I will not let them. Weak people drain me due to their neediness and even I am needy at times but thankfully not often because I refuse to let myself be that way. Men like to be needed and be the “man of the house” which is fine and I do need a man without a doubt I do but he must be strong and self assured, not jealous and insecure which is a combination so damn difficult to find.

The type of man I require is strong, independent, loving, warm, intelligent and is a leader he need not be handsome or rich he just needs to be himself and that is why I am so damn crazy about one man in particular. He is everything I could ever want or need and he has the strength and ability not to put up with my horse shit which is so awesome to me but I can see where we would have a love hate relationship. He is a constant challenge and keeps me on my toes and I love him for that but I also hate the games he plays with me at times but quite frankly love hate relationships are the best as making up after an argument is the exciting part and I can see us doing a lot of making up.

I want him in my life so bad but do not know how to get him to want me back and come to me, maybe he will never come to me and maybe he doesn’t want me but I have no idea and haven’t for three years. I don’t know if I mean a damn thing to him or not and I do not know if he feels anything for me at all. He may not realize it but I am the woman for him and not because I say so because that is what God has intended no matter what other’s may think. 

Let Us Be Children

I am always walking around with you on my mind and I hate you for making me love you so much and so damn deep. I will forever want to be with you even though I say differently and I will always want to be your wife no matter how much you have hurt me. I cannot let go no matter how hard I try and I know you spend your time with another and probably are quite happy with her. Will you marry her and not me? Will you discard me like an empty cigarette pack?

I cannot control your thoughts or your heart but I want you to know that I love you and nothing will ever change that, unfortunate for me isn’t it? If I knew you loved me my life would be thrilling and exciting and worth sharing but I know not what you feel for me ,bif anything. I am so lost without you by my side you have no idea how lost I truly am. You spend your days with another and your nights fucking another or maybe you are happy and in love, making love but I will never know for sure.

You are all I have ever waited for and pray for and I am always concerned about you and your happiness yet can do nothing about it as you refuse to let me in. I am not one that enjoys hurting others but I do it on a regular basis even without knowing. I am not one to want to be loved by many just one is all I need, just one and that one is you and has only been you for years. The things I want for you I want for myself but I  want to see you fulfilled before myself.

I so want you to feel good about who you are and I know I can hurt you without trying or wanting to. I am dieing without you and every day another breathe is gone because I do not have you to breathe life back into me. I want to breathe freshness into your life and a newness that you are not accustomed to, I want your happiness to be like a beam from above and God watches and waits for our love to come together and flourish and he wants us to be together as we have the ability to change the world for the better.

We will be together one day because it is written and we cannot deny what is in the stars and God’s eyes, we cannot deny the truth much longer and we will connect like two magnets of negative and positive. We are like children as we hurt each other over and over and neither being able to say “I am sorry” as we are blind to what we do to each other’s heart. Let us be children in ways that children play in mud puddles and build sand castles, let us reach out to each and take hold and lead each other into foreign places and let us teach each other how to be better people.

There is so much more than love between us even if we choose to try to deny the love and impact we have on each other. The attraction is to strong to deny, to strong to walk away from and we both have turned into crazed maniacs because of it. Let us be children again and go snipe hunting in the dark and kiss each other with passion that is uncomparable too, let us play hide and seek and surprise each other when we find each other, let us go outside and swing on the tire swing hanging from a heavy rope as we twirl and untwirl twice as fast.

Let us be children again and go to the swimming hole grabbing hold of the rope and running from the bank over the water and letting go, let us ride bikes again and go buy ice cream at the corner store along with bubble gum blowing great big bubbles and popping them all over our faces, let us watch the fire works with wonder and excitement and let us sneak feels of each other’s bodies when no one is looking, let us be children again with innocence and wonder at the world. 

I want you to know that when I say ” I love you” it comes from a place within me no one has ever been and the words are not just words as they are an expression of my true heart and I want to be with you forever and eternity, I want you to want me and to love me the same way I love you and always will, I want you as my husband and me as your wife, these things I want not just for a moment but for an entire life, won’t you love me and want the sames things? 

Not Done

When loves meets lost it is a meeting that is not comforting as I get lost in love and no longer can find my way because I truly get lost in a dream state. I dream so many dreams and none come true but should I really expect such a thing anyway? I have discovered that I like being in love because it makes me feel such happiness and completeness even though it doesn’t make me complete. I am a drifter, a wonderer, a lost soul in the night.

I give to others what I deny myself and must learn that I am worth giving to as well and I am not a throw away as I may think, I need to build myself up because no one else ever will and no one looks my way and sees my unhappiness and the sadness that lies within. I am no angel but used to think I had an angel watching over me and guiding me to a high plain on the mountain top but the mountain top is in the sky and I cannot climb that high.

I haven’t reached the point of being old and frail but I feel like it so much of the time as I can no longer do what I once was able to and I have been given no choice but to rely on others which I  have no desire to do. I was raised to take care of myself at a very early age and that sticks like glue with me because when push comes to shove all we have is ourselves to rely on and we find that we are not tough as nails and shed tears. I cry out of frustration more than anything and I cry out of pain caused to myself by myself.

It would be nice if I were a film that could be fast forwarded so other’s could see my life in a flash and understand where I am coming from but that is not to be and I will always be misunderstood, even by myself most of the time. I deny myself the simpliest of pleasures and I stifle myself from reaching out to others for fear of the all mighty rejection or being denied the simple pleasures of loving another and yes loving another is a simple pleasure all of us need to experience.

I deaden the pain of lack of love in my life and it is my own fault that I do not have love in my life but I cannot help who and what I am as I am powerless over my own emotions so often. I run from hurt instead of facing it head on and I have allowed myself to be hurt over the silliest of things or words which makes me a fool at times. Being a sensitive soul I find not to be a trait I admire within myself because it leads me to places I should not allow myself to visit.

I smoke to much and don’t drink enough and do not have the love I require to flourish but one day I will because I want it so bad and will eventually accept someone else’s love. I am fighting the good fight of my youth where love was never handed out but so many orders were instead. A simple hug never came or the words “I love you” ever heard by these ears as a child and life as a child is what shapes us as an adult, changing the pattern of youth into adulthood is not easily done and cannot be done by ourselves.

 

 

Guidance

I woke up and stared at the wall already knowing it had rained as my right hip screamed out in pain, the arthritis of age had firmly planted itself in the bones and it was a reminder of no longer being young. Age does things to our bodies as well as our minds. We keep all the lessons learned in life firmly intact and refer to them like a dictionary when we need guidance. With age comes wisdom and sometimes it does not show itself when we need it the most.

Age is a liar and a thief and we can so easily fool ourselves into thinking that we have all the answers or just the one answer that makes life easier. Sometimes, there is no right or wrong answer but acceptance of what is and we are powerless to change those circumstances. No matter what age brings us, it makes us powerless to make changes to what has already occurred as we cannot go back and change the past and must except what is.

We are unable to make others see what is before them and people follow their own thoughts and dreams and no one can tell them different. Life of past is unchangeable and unrearrangeable, it must be accepted and hopefully learned from. We may try to guide others but that is all we can do, try. No man is an island they say but sometimes I feel like an abandoned island which has a beach full of the items discarded by the sea.

My own wisdom has come at a price as others as well, learning can be a painful or delightful lesson and sharing those experiences not so easily done at times. I have tried to share my knowledge with others and sometimes they listen sometimes they don’t. I do not have all the answers try as I might and I cannot be the all mighty knowing when I wish I were able to be. I seek out knowledge like a squirrel ferreting for the nut he hid and cannot find.

I try as I may to understand this world and the people I encounter but that is not easily done as I observe other’s and their words and actions. My children and friends seek me out for guidance and sometimes I guide them in the wrong direction, with much regret. I seek out God’s divine guidance and he helps me daily try to find myself and what is best for me at times but even God knows I must learn by making mistakes and I have made more than my share.

We can never suffocate the pain we feel, not even with painkillers and that is the part of life that is so damn difficult as all of us wish to live a pain free life but without pain we cannot love as everything has a flip side, good versus evil, laughter follows tears, sunshine and rain. I prefer to watch the rain fall as it is cleanses the world, feeds the ground and makes wonderful and beautiful plants grow. I am the rain or at least wish I were.

I so wish I could change the world for the better and maybe I have at times but that doesn’t make me special or unique as it just makes me another person with wishes. The greatest wish I have is to touch another’s life and give them inner peace as that is not easily come by in our lives. So many want wealth but they do not realize with wealth comes a complete new set of problems and worries which is undesirable at best.

Wealth to me is inner peace, seeing the beauty in the world and others, forgiveness, loving and caring and wealth to me does not come in the form of money, which I have had to learn the hard way. Wealth is watching the bud of a flower open slowly and wealth is holding hands and walking aimlessly with another, wealth is feeling whole and loved and wealth is sharing with another what was once mine and mine alone.

I cry out for love yet I push away those that love me due to the fact that I am feeling worthless at this moment and cannot change that feeling just yet. I need to learn to fully accept what is and try not to change it but that is difficult for me because I require answers to every question in my mind and even my mind’s eye is blind more often than not. I am not seeking perfection but damn near close to it I think and I do not know if perfection even exists or ever did.

I require those as strong or stronger than I and strength has been the gift that has kept me going but even strength can be smothering and deny us the right to expose the tenderness of ourselves for fear of reprisal. Rejection is another of life’s lessons not easily if at all accepted at all because it brings pain into our lives and questions of why and most of us avoid rejection like the plague as we cannot handle the pain attached to it.

Emotions are wild and uncontrollable at times and it makes us say and do things we more often than not regret as we cannot immediately change what we are lead to believe, feel or act and it takes one hell of a lot to make our emotions react in a positive manner. We have the ability to love as deeply as well as  hate which is harmful to us and to others and I prefer to love than to hate because hate will eat you alive and hurts no one but yourself.

I am trying so damn hard to accept who I am but I am very deep and complex at times and that is so misunderstood by others and I truly wish others could understand me because then I know I could understand myself. I get lost in my own thoughts and forget the day and time and I realize I have let life pass me by sitting and getting lost as I have no one reaching a hand out to me to guide me and this is what I need desperately. 

Liquid Nitrogen

You made me believe I was more than I am, you made me believe that I was worth waiting for, you made me believe I was important and desirable, you yes you made me believe I knew it all, you made me believe I was special but I have learned I am nothing at all. You did this, yes you did this to me and I let you because I loved you. I am not more than I am, I am not worth waiting for, I am not important or desirable, I do not know it all, I am not special and yes, I am nothing at all.

Are you happy with yourself? Feel accomplished? Feel like a real man now? Ya, you had the ability to tear me apart and you have done a damn good job, another feather in your cap? Another trophy on your shelf?You have hurt so many woman and left them in your path but you destroyed what was good in me, my love for you, you and you alone destroyed it, not me but you. I will never darken your door and I no longer will wait for you and no trip wire will stop me this time I assure you.

I am evolving and it is to bad you are no longer welcome to see my full revolution nor are you invited to watch any longer. I want you out of my life, my dreams, hopes and wishes. I no longer want a life with you ever and I certainly do not want to be your friend and forget lover for sure. I can not trust you and you do not respect me one iota and I know it. You don’t need me to be waiting for you in fact you don’t need me at all and I now have that firmly implanted in my head.

I am banishing you like malaria, remember when you got more money out of me by telling me you had malaria? Wow, what a fucking idiot I was and I bet you and Frankie got one hell of a laugh out of that one and how about the shit I sent you, did you guys piss yourselves laughing how you took me again? Or how about when I let you use my credit card to buy yourself some nice clothes damn I bet that just filled the room full of shits and giggles.

I have been the laughing stock of you and your friends for way to fucking long and I will not be made a fool of any longer you hear me? You taught me how not to be deceived and taken advantage of Michael Jones, Reggio Kyle and Emmanual Akubor so thanx for the expensive lessons. I will never let anyone treat me with such malice and disrespect ever again thanx to you. I am sure you will just take your hard on out to the bar and pick up some cheap trick and fuck her while you are drunk, well have at it as I would never let you touch me no matter how impure you may think I am.

I am as pure as the driven snow but you will never get the delight of tasting me, never as I am no longer available to you and your friends, I am no longer going to allow you to treat me as the joke of the hour. I will take back all of my power and find a man who loves me for me not what I have to give them. You have no idea what you have done, you not only threw me away, you threw away my trust which is more important.

Did that beer taste good? Goes down easy doesn’t it, as easy as sweet talking a woman out of her money, gifts, credit card and love, worse of all her love. Not that you care but I am sick, really sick but of course I can’t talk to you about it and don’t want to any longer anyway. There are only two people who love me for me and you are not one of them and they are the only two people who will ever miss me as you sure the hell won’t.

I will never ask you for a fucking thing, no help, no shoulder to cry on, nothing as I do not need you or your drive thru love, I can do without it and you and I damn well plan too.  You have seen more of the world than I ever could but I have lived more than you ever will and I have loved deeper than you could ever imagine but you didn’t want my love so it’s no longer yours. I may trip over cracks but I have and will continue to pick myself up and move forward, leaving you behind.

There is no savior for us, there is no turning back and there is no future ever for us and I will no longer hold on to such a dream that does not exist. I may be a dreamer but I can dream dreams that you could never and I can fly to the moon without you, I can make a beautiful necklace out of the stars and let them shine brightly around my neck while you only have gold hanging from yours. Yes, I am a dreamer but dreamers are the ones that change the world for the better.

You are liquid nitrogen which has frozen my veins clear up to my heart and frozen it as well, you no longer warm me as you should. Don’t bother ever calling, texting, emailing or sending me a letter because I want nothing from you starting with any form of contact. I do not wish harm on you, I do not wish you pain or rejection I just wish you to be gone from my life so I can love again. Is that asking to much from you? The great B__t__l when will you learn even nicknames mean nothing in the stream of life? 

Send me my twenty-six grand and go fuck yourself with a red hot poker Mr. Wonderful 

Not Me

You took it to far

Now go get drunk

Go to the local bar

You lost a pearl

Crushed the oyster

I can tell

You are not sorry

You feel nothing for me

I am gone forever

Aren’t you so clever

Feel like a big man now

I don’t know how

I am not your reflection

You need not my affection

or attention

My love was so deep

But I hear not a peep

You show me no emotion

So I have no notion

Did you ever feel anything

I waited for nothing

I wasted my life

You never wanted

Me for a wife

I will not be lost

I will be found

I want romance

I want to dance

I want love

What do you want?

Surely not me 

Anaconda Squeeze

I didn’t marry until I was thirty-four and it wasn’t for love as I had never been in love, adult love with true passion and caring. I never thought I would ever feel that mature love but I did and it was a kick that knocked my ass down. Love can be all consuming and makes you want to be with that person every minute of every day at least for  awhile, then you realize that love is not give and take or give and give as it is all take for one which of course is not me.

I have done for others my entire life and no one has ever done for me because they think I don’t need them as I appear so damn strong which isn’t true. I am so easily hurt that I need to wear armor and the one I thought I would end up with in this life I have found not to be the one at all. We have discovered things about each other we do not care for and I just want to be loved and respected, he appears to want to be admired and have all of the finest things as he once had.

We do not have a past but instead a he stole from her relationship, a scammers relationship which is not a relationship at all to me. I am done being the one to reach out all the time and I no longer wish to speak to him or even meet him as he is not for me, no he is not. I so wanted to be with him, to marry him and share our lives but I now see that can never be possible at least not with him. I thought he was the only one that understood me but he doesn’t understand me at all and I am not going to bother letting him even try.

I loved him like he has never known and doubt he ever will because my brand of love is different in every way as I am. I am a zebra with spots not stripes like others and it takes a hell of a person to understand me and I am painfully aware of that. I put on a huge front because it’s the only way I have made it through this life even as a child. I never let my own mother know how much she hurt me and I will never let her know. She doesn’t even know I was raped and had an abortion nor will she.

She will never know about the baby I lost or how Bob died such a horrific death, a mother should be a girls best friend but mine is my worse enemy and always will be. I am back in counseling again, this time to straighten myself out since Bob died and hopefully learn to let my guard down but I don’t think that is possible, at least not in this world with such self absorbed people. I am glad no one I know reads the shit I write because they would know who I really am, a lost little girl, truly lost wandering aimlessly begging for love like a mouse for crumbs.

I can be stronger than the Berlin Wall and once was but more often than not I am as tender as Angel Food cake and people take advantage of that so I must be a “hardass” all the time. I wish I could accept my weaknesses and let live but I cannot and look upon myself as worthless on so many occassions, which should not be. I was the whore, the trash, the useless little bitch, I was the one that was the trouble maker, boy crazy and stupid for eighteen years I heard it daily and began to believe it.

I am none of the above and never was but sometimes a picture of yourself is painted by one of importance in our lives and the canvas is our minds. The words are the paint made of oil and not so easily erased and feel so permanent even if they need not be. I see the mistakes I have made with my own children but the manual that was suppose to come with them obviously got stuck up my ass and is still there. God knows I have tried but with my past it has been hard not to repeat certain patterns. I have never hit my children until recently I slapped my son which I wish never happened for his sake.

If my son ever hit a woman I think I would go viral on him as he has been taught not to hit others, yet I slapped him wow I feel like shit still. I am not going to let myself get lost in love ever again and it is hard to close your heart to someone you love but sometimes we do what we have to for survival and I need to survive this ordeal. Three long years I have done nothing but give and I am not going to continue and must leave him behind for my own sake.

He offers me nothing and I can no longer accept that as I am worth so much more, maybe not to him but to myself. I don’t want harm to come to him and I do not wish ill upon him but I will not let myself be his doormat any longer. I will not reach out to him but instead cut him off as it is my way of dealing with what hurts me so. I cannot believe I actually wanted him to marry me yesterday and today it is adios amigos today. 

Think I will go to Belize and look for an Anaconda to hug me as that is all I would be able to find I am sure, squeeze the shit out of me literally and all I would have is the one ply toilet paper, finger up the ass time. I am a moon chaser, dream maker lost on the high seas in a broken bottle floating aimlessly. My luck I will end up on a stranded island with natives that think I am the devil and tie my ass to a pole and roast me for dinner, ala pussy well done thank you.

I must thank this man for showing me what love feels like so I now know I am capable of such foreign feelings but not with him any longer, how sad it makes me but I must face the things that are ugly in my life and let go and that is what I am doing by putting words to paper, each letter is another inch of the rope I am dropping where he is concerned. He will never even notice I am gone and I will be completely gone before he even realizes I have left the room. 

Pappy

You don’t show me a thing

You don’t even wear a ring

You lie

You steal

You cheat

Who in the hell

Do you think you will meet?

I let you touch my heart

But you treat me

Like a stinky fart

I have changed the lock

Suck your own cock

You don’t know what love is

You have only loved as a kid

I am all woman

To much for you

I have my problems

But not a whore

I gave you all

But you never call

So I no longer

Will wait

Go on a date

Find the one

That will

Make you happy

Maybe one day

You will have

A little girl

Calling you pappy