At Play

Writing to me is like being wealthy to so many, I find comfort in it and a way to express my emotions and it hurts no one because I change from day to day, sometimes hour to hour emotionally. I let my imagination go and the thoughts are some what disturbing at times and other times quite comforting. I so enjoy writing and letting go of feelings and fears, concerns and questions and I would love to write a book one day that people would actually read and I will and I no the subject matter will sell like hotcakes as he is hot.

I would like to write erotic fantasies as well and have those published but I don’t know if anyone would bother to buy them or not as I am not a published author, have no following and have not bothered to put what I write online out to the public, which I guess I should. Like any typical writer, I smoke to much, drink to much coke and eat chocolate which is a fine diet, lol. I write for awhile then clean up this house a bit but I am addicted to computer and it is like an iv in my arm.

I am the great dreamer, benevolent one,  a hider, a seeker of shelter from evil and I refuse to be discarded with the trash of this world. I am a giver not a taker and I need to learn to take but it is so foreign to me and makes me feel uncomfortable as I feel like I am stealing and that doesn’t sit well with me. I am not perfect and I lie at times but they are so few because that is another thing I do not like or feel comfortable doing.

I am like a pale of slop for the hogs, filled with so many different things and not one stands out brightly. My friends describe me as funny and intelligent, sometimes silly stupid but with a good heart and I am blessed to have such few friends of such great quality. My friends support me and help guide my lost ass in this world but I guide myself beyond and into God’s arms. Most have no idea that my heart and soul is owned by my maker even though I swear like a truck driver.

The greatest compliment I have ever been given was from my daughter when she said to her friend “my mom can do anything” and that made me feel so damn good to know she actually sees how hard life has been and hopefully she will learn from me never to rely on another because people disappear, they disappear in the night as well as the daylight. I have tried to be a good roll model for my kids and hopefully I have as I am not long for this world in the main stream of life.

My life is half over if not more and I want them to be safe and feel protected, I do not want my children to feel as I did as a child. I was constantly scared of my mother and that is not a good thing to feel when you are so young, I have ran and hid for fear of reprisal from the one that gave birth to me. My friend Janet, she has been more of a mother to me than my own and I thank God every day for her and I pray every day for those that I love and want only the best for them, including him.

I pray for him constantly and worry myself sick at times over him but he shall never know and I do not know if he would even care but I still love him and want the best for him, I want him to be in the lime light again and he will be, everything takes time and we are such impatient creatures at times. I will never give up on him and will always be on the side lines watching his moves no matter where he is or whom he may be with.

He is shy to others but to me he is a big mouth because he feels comfortable around me and hopefully trusts me, I could have hurt him but why? Why would I want to hurt anyone? I do not desire to bring pain upon anyone’s life as it brings only pain back my way. I have hurt my children but not intentionally and God has placed in my care two of the most beautiful children of this world and my daughter, my baby girl of seventeen is stunning, yes she is absolutely stunning in mind, body and soul.

People see her and they turn their heads but she is unaware of the beauty she possesses, as it should be. She is a girlie girlie but she is just such a beautiful person as my son is. He makes me feel so small as he towers over me at six foot and he is still growing. To know my son is to know a kind, gentle, determined soul and he is the love of my life in so many ways, no not in a sick way as some may think but he is my world and I his protector. He played this game and he nicknamed himself “ShyWolf” which is so fitting to him. He is an Aquarius and that is a perfect description of an Aquarian, absolutely perfect.

He is built like his father, broad chested but so much taller as Bob was five nine and Ryan will be in the six footer’s easily as was my grandfather and his grandfather. The love we feel for our  children is unconditional even though we may turn our back on them at times, the times are very short lived and the love takes over. I do not know how my children could love me but they do and they accept how fucked up I can get at times. They know I am so lonely and want to be with me to care for me but I do not want them to care for me as my job is to care for them and they worry so about me and I wish they wouldn’t but instead focus on themselves and their lives.

I have no doubt one day, one day soon I will be overjoyed and filled with happiness that I never thought possible because God sees my anguish and will not forsake me, no he will not and the tough times have built character within me and that is part of God’s plan for me. He doesn’t put trash in a new house, no God cleans things out first and brings to us beautiful gifts of love and peace. I shall have that with the man I so adore I know this in my heart because there is no way I would still love him and him alone after all these years if God’s hand weren’t at play. 

I Assure You

It’s time for me to leave the past behind, not turning to look and only look toward my future as what was is just that what was and will not come again. I am finding myself cleaning out all the closets of my home and mind and it’s about time as it has been a very long fourteen months for me. I no longer hold on to so many negative emotions I have had and I am letting go of my anger but it takes time, so much time but I am letting it go.

Barbara, my counselor understands why I have so much anger towards my deceased husband and she understands so much about what has been happening in my life and my disappointment at being a wife. I did so much and received so little in return but when you give you should give from the heart and not expect anything in return but that isn’t the way a relationship should be. She understands my desire to be with my dogs instead of people and she doesn’t find that to be strange as so many others do.

It feels good to have my feelings validated because sometimes I think I am completely unhinged and so off track but I have been through a tremendous amount of loss and it is difficult especially being alone. So many changes have happened to me some good some bad and I have grown from all of them. I am constantly growing and changing and I hope I never stop because I like who I am I really do even though I appear not to at times, a lot of the times.

I know what I am and am not and the things I am not is just fine with me because if I were suppose to be different than I am God would have made me that way but he did not and I thank him for who I am. I have so much to offer and one day the man I love will be with me and we can experience each other, the good and the bad but one thing I am sure of is the love I have for this person and the only regret I have is being unable to tell him or show him.

I wish I knew why he won’t come to me as that would make life so much easier for me and relieve my stress level. I need to maintain a low level of stress for my health and stress really screws me up mentally as well as physically. He needs to rest himself and take it easy for that is good for him and I care about him and I am always worrying about him even though he can take care of himself and doesn’t need me. He may not need me to worry about him but he does need me, in fact we need each other, have you noticed I say need not want?

We need each other because we care about so much of the same things and we are givers, givers working together accomplish great things and we will one day accomplish great things together. I want to give this man the world on a silver platter and I want nothing more than to see him smile and be at peace. I do not know what he wants from himself or me for that matter but what ever it is I am sure it is good. He makes me so mad I could spit, hell I spit anyway but he makes my blood boil sometimes and that is how I know I really love him. A person that can make me that mad is someone I love with all of me and I know that sounds crazy but that is how I measure the love I have for another. No one has ever gotten me as mad as he has and to do that means I am all tied up in love with him and to be that in love with someone isn’t something I am used too.

He would no doubt laugh if he were to read this and think I am being silly but it is just the truth and nothing but the truth your honor. I so wish I could get on a plane and fly away to anywhere so I could escape and take a break for awhile as I need a rest as so much has been on my shoulders for so long. Now that I have absolutely no one to look after it is time to look after myself and I am doing that the only way I know how. I am sure he would say otherwise and that is to be expected as other’s see our lives clearer than we do as they are standing outside and not emotionally attached as we are with ourselves.

I need to stop making assumptions about him but it is so damn hard for me not too as he gives me nothing to work with but my imagination and it leads me into dark corners of thought more often than not. I do not know where he is or what he is doing which gets my imagination going and makes me sad. I wish he knew how much I need him yes I have finally admitted I do need him as much as I need oxygen but I do not need to rely on him for survival and never will because I am not one to rely on other’s which is a good thing because people disappear from our lives without warning and I know that better than most.

He probably would wonder how I could love him so much even though we have never so much as touched but it is the way I am as I hold on tight to past conversations we have had and those conversations have gotten me through so much and has helped me move forward instead of standing still. I have learned so much from him and I hope he has learned from me as well and we have so much to offer each other and not monetarily which is good.

I have a shitload of cash coming my way in the next few years I just have to wait which I don’t mind and I want to invest in him, yes he is worth investing in but he has no idea what direction I would like to see him go in and I have been playing around with a logo that would be perfect for the future. He needs to capitalize on himself in a new way because he is getting older and has to change direction he is going in. Things are starting to get better for him financially for which I am happy because he won’t have to work as hard and no, I do not want his money or him buying me anything in fact I will be financially set myself in a few years.

Things have been tough for me financially and I didn’t take care of myself when I had the opportunity but it is true the more you give the more you receive. I let myself get screwed out of thirty grand but I have found out when people fuck you in the business world in my state, they are held accountable for the amount times three. The jackass that thought he could walk away with my money is in for a wee bit of surprise as he his being sued and I am waiting to see how dishonest the fool is actually going to be.

He was stupid enough to sent my attorney two pages of the contract and of course he didn’t have them numbered so one would never know that the important page is missing. He will be deposed in several weeks and I do hope he stays true to form and gives my attorney another copy of the contract with the missing page as that will hang him in court. I recently found out that the bitch that lived off my dad had squirreled away quite a bit of my dad’s gold and now I am after her and she is going to be quite surprised when she is hit by my attorney.

People can run but they can never hide forever and it is finally my time to expose them for what they have done and payment is  heading my way and it’s just a matter of time. I have nothing but time and I really need to draw up a new will but I have put that off when it should be paramount. My children are not protected properly as I have not updated the paperwork and my children need my protection even when I am long gone.

I am concerned about the test results but not overly and I do not plan on checking out anytime soon but one must put things in perspective and deal with the real possibility that things happen and I do live in the cancer “capital” of my state. I have been healthy most of my life and I do not get ill often but when I do I get really sick and end up in the hospital which I hate so much because one must be their own advocate.

I am dealing with another full moon and full moon’s really affect me emotionally and that is something I do not need but it is a fact. I look at my astrological chart and the aspects that are formed, the full moon is a son of a bitch to me but this full moon is different as it is in Libra for seven weeks and then in my own sign which is when I will dance! This will be in August and the time will be perfect for me and I have waited what seems like forever for things to improve for me and finally they will be. I am planning a trip in August but not until the moon moves into Scorpio because my world will finally shine then.

I know I sound like a lunatic but I have relied on astrology to help guide me for over thirty years and it is never wrong, no I do not live my live day to day by the stars but instead I look at the big picture and go from there. The man I adore has Virgo rising and a Leo moon which tells me a lot about him, he has had a hell of a time financially for quite a long time but that is changing for the better and he loves the finer things in life and always will, he is not happy living hand to mouth and it makes him almost physically ill to have to do so.

I have a wonderful present for him and I have held on to it what seems like forever and I can’t wait to give it to him as I know he will love it! I had planned on meeting him in Nigeria but I had a bad feeling he wouldn’t show up so that trip never happened. I do believe if we set up to meet it will happen the next time and then I can give him the present that I saved for, for so very long and I know he will shit when I give it to him. I open the box and look at it when I am really down and it makes me smile knowing I picked out the perfect gift for him.

No, I have not picked out a wedding ring, lol as I am not that brazen and besides if he were to accept my proposal we would pick out rings together, which would be very simple yet elegant I assure you. 

In Cars

Show me the way

Please show me today

I am so lost

I am so confused

I am so lonely

Take me in your arms

Show me all your charms

Lets meet in a secret place

I wear nothing but lace

Let us make love under the stars

While others do it cars

 

Love Me Too

I want to give you it all

But you will never call

I am so lonely without you

Are you as lonely too?

I want to feel you inside me

Could that ever possibly be?

I so want you in my life

I so want to be your wife

I cannot wait to share a kiss

As I know this will be bliss

I want to lie in bed and listen to the rain

As I know this will wash away our pain

I want us to make love

As it will take us above

I will always love you

Will you love me too? 

Look At Me

She was so proud and friendly as she walked towards the five new people in her life and they greeted her with awe and wonder and was struck by her beauty and charm, her friendly manner and charm won them over immediately. She was beautiful without a doubt and her facial features were soft, not like the other females and she warmed up to them immediately and lead them to the back of the house where the sliding glass door was.

They went onto the back porch and they wanted to be next to her as being near her was to be special as she chose to be close to one in particular. She was drawn to him and the connection was immediate and quite apparent to the others, which invoked jealousy among them as they all wanted her to want them. The tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn’t take it and was polite but had to ask them to go and she wouldn’t get in the car until I was there telling her to go for a ride.

She got in the car and I said a quick good bye and started to cry as I walked to the back of the house and up the stairs onto the porch and inside, locking the sliding back door as I entered. It was a terrible feeling to watch the last of beloved dogs go to a new home and I was all alone, finally all alone left to my own devices. I sat down and cried like a baby for my heart went with her,  my beloved Sassy and this was harder than giving Sabor away the previous Saturday.

My life has always revolved around the love of my pets and to know that Sassy would no longer be lieing next to my bed at night took away all the comfort I had felt. I was so sad, so lonely and now I was really lost and empty but had to accept what I had done was for the best as I could not put Sassimo down, no I could not do that. It had been a long hard day knowing the man I loved spent his time with another and then Sassy going to a new home was really to much for me to bare.

I try to do the “right” thing but always feel like I have never done what was right but this time I knew in my heart of hearts I did what was best for those that I loved. I have tried to walk away from the man I love because I didn’t feel I was good enough for him and I felt that my illness would be hard on him and difficult to understand and then the dogs needed to go to good homes because I didn’t feel I was good enough for them either.

Was I good enough for anyone? Was I even good enough for me? I didn’t feel it at this moment that was for sure and I tried to focus on the good coming out of such bad, they would get the love they needed and I could move on with my life as I rid myself of memories of my departed husband. I had made up my mind that I was traveling somewhere next month and I was going to as I did research on the internet of the places of possible visit. It was difficult for me to pick one destination as I was drawn to so many different countries and locations within each country.

I fantasized about meeting the one I loved so much in a secret destination but I knew that wasn’t going to happen even though I had prayed for it to. I had a feeling the one that held my heart just waited for his new girl to get off work so he could spend time with her and I was envious of her as I wanted to be special to him and the one he waited for and wanted to be with. I had no doubt his boyish charm would get him laid easily and he wasn’t thinking about me but focused on her.

He was probably at dinner with her at this very second and listening intently to her babble on about bullshit but he was so attracted her he listened intently and had forgotten all about me, the wall flower of yesteryear. I was some what happy for him and sad for myself because I wanted his arms around me so bad but had to accept the fact that he was a man and men love women, they love the attention and the flirting and of course the sex. Men love sex more than anything as they slide in and out of a woman’s body with such ease and few men ever feel guilty that are with another woman, even the married men and the first few times the guilt is apparent within themselves but fades like carpeting that has the sun shining on it daily for to many years.

I didn’t want to begrudge him any amount of happiness that was currently in his life but frankly I wanted his cock to stay limp, at least with her. I am sorry I cannot be over joyed for him because I do want his happiness but not at the expense of my own which was exactly what I had been feeling, that his happiness was at my own expense which was so far from the truth if I had been honest with myself. He wasn’t hurting me, hell he was even aware I existed any longer as he wiped me out of his life as quickly as wiping off a table to have sex on.

I cannot let his actions upset me because I know any woman he is with is going to want him to provide them with everything they do not have and he will be hard pressed to find a woman like myself even though I have uncountable faults. No matter how many issues I may have I have just as many good points I can point out to anyone and I am not shallow and careless with my mind or body and do not share myself with just anybody as most women do these days.

I do not wait for this man to come to me because that is like waiting for a semi to unload money onto my driveway but I do still have my hopes of one day he sees me for who and what I really am instead of what he thinks.  I want him to know me for me not what I write or what he may lead himself to believe, yes I am a real woman with real emotions, troubles and problems and no I do not want him to save me as I need to save myself. It would be nice to be able to bounce ideas off him or ask for his advice and maybe one day he will respond to me and realize that I am beautiful inside and out if he would only just look at me, really look at me.