At Play

Writing to me is like being wealthy to so many, I find comfort in it and a way to express my emotions and it hurts no one because I change from day to day, sometimes hour to hour emotionally. I let my imagination go and the thoughts are some what disturbing at times and other times quite comforting. I so enjoy writing and letting go of feelings and fears, concerns and questions and I would love to write a book one day that people would actually read and I will and I no the subject matter will sell like hotcakes as he is hot.

I would like to write erotic fantasies as well and have those published but I don’t know if anyone would bother to buy them or not as I am not a published author, have no following and have not bothered to put what I write online out to the public, which I guess I should. Like any typical writer, I smoke to much, drink to much coke and eat chocolate which is a fine diet, lol. I write for awhile then clean up this house a bit but I am addicted to computer and it is like an iv in my arm.

I am the great dreamer, benevolent one,  a hider, a seeker of shelter from evil and I refuse to be discarded with the trash of this world. I am a giver not a taker and I need to learn to take but it is so foreign to me and makes me feel uncomfortable as I feel like I am stealing and that doesn’t sit well with me. I am not perfect and I lie at times but they are so few because that is another thing I do not like or feel comfortable doing.

I am like a pale of slop for the hogs, filled with so many different things and not one stands out brightly. My friends describe me as funny and intelligent, sometimes silly stupid but with a good heart and I am blessed to have such few friends of such great quality. My friends support me and help guide my lost ass in this world but I guide myself beyond and into God’s arms. Most have no idea that my heart and soul is owned by my maker even though I swear like a truck driver.

The greatest compliment I have ever been given was from my daughter when she said to her friend “my mom can do anything” and that made me feel so damn good to know she actually sees how hard life has been and hopefully she will learn from me never to rely on another because people disappear, they disappear in the night as well as the daylight. I have tried to be a good roll model for my kids and hopefully I have as I am not long for this world in the main stream of life.

My life is half over if not more and I want them to be safe and feel protected, I do not want my children to feel as I did as a child. I was constantly scared of my mother and that is not a good thing to feel when you are so young, I have ran and hid for fear of reprisal from the one that gave birth to me. My friend Janet, she has been more of a mother to me than my own and I thank God every day for her and I pray every day for those that I love and want only the best for them, including him.

I pray for him constantly and worry myself sick at times over him but he shall never know and I do not know if he would even care but I still love him and want the best for him, I want him to be in the lime light again and he will be, everything takes time and we are such impatient creatures at times. I will never give up on him and will always be on the side lines watching his moves no matter where he is or whom he may be with.

He is shy to others but to me he is a big mouth because he feels comfortable around me and hopefully trusts me, I could have hurt him but why? Why would I want to hurt anyone? I do not desire to bring pain upon anyone’s life as it brings only pain back my way. I have hurt my children but not intentionally and God has placed in my care two of the most beautiful children of this world and my daughter, my baby girl of seventeen is stunning, yes she is absolutely stunning in mind, body and soul.

People see her and they turn their heads but she is unaware of the beauty she possesses, as it should be. She is a girlie girlie but she is just such a beautiful person as my son is. He makes me feel so small as he towers over me at six foot and he is still growing. To know my son is to know a kind, gentle, determined soul and he is the love of my life in so many ways, no not in a sick way as some may think but he is my world and I his protector. He played this game and he nicknamed himself “ShyWolf” which is so fitting to him. He is an Aquarius and that is a perfect description of an Aquarian, absolutely perfect.

He is built like his father, broad chested but so much taller as Bob was five nine and Ryan will be in the six footer’s easily as was my grandfather and his grandfather. The love we feel for our  children is unconditional even though we may turn our back on them at times, the times are very short lived and the love takes over. I do not know how my children could love me but they do and they accept how fucked up I can get at times. They know I am so lonely and want to be with me to care for me but I do not want them to care for me as my job is to care for them and they worry so about me and I wish they wouldn’t but instead focus on themselves and their lives.

I have no doubt one day, one day soon I will be overjoyed and filled with happiness that I never thought possible because God sees my anguish and will not forsake me, no he will not and the tough times have built character within me and that is part of God’s plan for me. He doesn’t put trash in a new house, no God cleans things out first and brings to us beautiful gifts of love and peace. I shall have that with the man I so adore I know this in my heart because there is no way I would still love him and him alone after all these years if God’s hand weren’t at play. 

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