It’s time for me to leave the past behind, not turning to look and only look toward my future as what was is just that what was and will not come again. I am finding myself cleaning out all the closets of my home and mind and it’s about time as it has been a very long fourteen months for me. I no longer hold on to so many negative emotions I have had and I am letting go of my anger but it takes time, so much time but I am letting it go.
Barbara, my counselor understands why I have so much anger towards my deceased husband and she understands so much about what has been happening in my life and my disappointment at being a wife. I did so much and received so little in return but when you give you should give from the heart and not expect anything in return but that isn’t the way a relationship should be. She understands my desire to be with my dogs instead of people and she doesn’t find that to be strange as so many others do.
It feels good to have my feelings validated because sometimes I think I am completely unhinged and so off track but I have been through a tremendous amount of loss and it is difficult especially being alone. So many changes have happened to me some good some bad and I have grown from all of them. I am constantly growing and changing and I hope I never stop because I like who I am I really do even though I appear not to at times, a lot of the times.
I know what I am and am not and the things I am not is just fine with me because if I were suppose to be different than I am God would have made me that way but he did not and I thank him for who I am. I have so much to offer and one day the man I love will be with me and we can experience each other, the good and the bad but one thing I am sure of is the love I have for this person and the only regret I have is being unable to tell him or show him.
I wish I knew why he won’t come to me as that would make life so much easier for me and relieve my stress level. I need to maintain a low level of stress for my health and stress really screws me up mentally as well as physically. He needs to rest himself and take it easy for that is good for him and I care about him and I am always worrying about him even though he can take care of himself and doesn’t need me. He may not need me to worry about him but he does need me, in fact we need each other, have you noticed I say need not want?
We need each other because we care about so much of the same things and we are givers, givers working together accomplish great things and we will one day accomplish great things together. I want to give this man the world on a silver platter and I want nothing more than to see him smile and be at peace. I do not know what he wants from himself or me for that matter but what ever it is I am sure it is good. He makes me so mad I could spit, hell I spit anyway but he makes my blood boil sometimes and that is how I know I really love him. A person that can make me that mad is someone I love with all of me and I know that sounds crazy but that is how I measure the love I have for another. No one has ever gotten me as mad as he has and to do that means I am all tied up in love with him and to be that in love with someone isn’t something I am used too.
He would no doubt laugh if he were to read this and think I am being silly but it is just the truth and nothing but the truth your honor. I so wish I could get on a plane and fly away to anywhere so I could escape and take a break for awhile as I need a rest as so much has been on my shoulders for so long. Now that I have absolutely no one to look after it is time to look after myself and I am doing that the only way I know how. I am sure he would say otherwise and that is to be expected as other’s see our lives clearer than we do as they are standing outside and not emotionally attached as we are with ourselves.
I need to stop making assumptions about him but it is so damn hard for me not too as he gives me nothing to work with but my imagination and it leads me into dark corners of thought more often than not. I do not know where he is or what he is doing which gets my imagination going and makes me sad. I wish he knew how much I need him yes I have finally admitted I do need him as much as I need oxygen but I do not need to rely on him for survival and never will because I am not one to rely on other’s which is a good thing because people disappear from our lives without warning and I know that better than most.
He probably would wonder how I could love him so much even though we have never so much as touched but it is the way I am as I hold on tight to past conversations we have had and those conversations have gotten me through so much and has helped me move forward instead of standing still. I have learned so much from him and I hope he has learned from me as well and we have so much to offer each other and not monetarily which is good.
I have a shitload of cash coming my way in the next few years I just have to wait which I don’t mind and I want to invest in him, yes he is worth investing in but he has no idea what direction I would like to see him go in and I have been playing around with a logo that would be perfect for the future. He needs to capitalize on himself in a new way because he is getting older and has to change direction he is going in. Things are starting to get better for him financially for which I am happy because he won’t have to work as hard and no, I do not want his money or him buying me anything in fact I will be financially set myself in a few years.
Things have been tough for me financially and I didn’t take care of myself when I had the opportunity but it is true the more you give the more you receive. I let myself get screwed out of thirty grand but I have found out when people fuck you in the business world in my state, they are held accountable for the amount times three. The jackass that thought he could walk away with my money is in for a wee bit of surprise as he his being sued and I am waiting to see how dishonest the fool is actually going to be.
He was stupid enough to sent my attorney two pages of the contract and of course he didn’t have them numbered so one would never know that the important page is missing. He will be deposed in several weeks and I do hope he stays true to form and gives my attorney another copy of the contract with the missing page as that will hang him in court. I recently found out that the bitch that lived off my dad had squirreled away quite a bit of my dad’s gold and now I am after her and she is going to be quite surprised when she is hit by my attorney.
People can run but they can never hide forever and it is finally my time to expose them for what they have done and payment is heading my way and it’s just a matter of time. I have nothing but time and I really need to draw up a new will but I have put that off when it should be paramount. My children are not protected properly as I have not updated the paperwork and my children need my protection even when I am long gone.
I am concerned about the test results but not overly and I do not plan on checking out anytime soon but one must put things in perspective and deal with the real possibility that things happen and I do live in the cancer “capital” of my state. I have been healthy most of my life and I do not get ill often but when I do I get really sick and end up in the hospital which I hate so much because one must be their own advocate.
I am dealing with another full moon and full moon’s really affect me emotionally and that is something I do not need but it is a fact. I look at my astrological chart and the aspects that are formed, the full moon is a son of a bitch to me but this full moon is different as it is in Libra for seven weeks and then in my own sign which is when I will dance! This will be in August and the time will be perfect for me and I have waited what seems like forever for things to improve for me and finally they will be. I am planning a trip in August but not until the moon moves into Scorpio because my world will finally shine then.
I know I sound like a lunatic but I have relied on astrology to help guide me for over thirty years and it is never wrong, no I do not live my live day to day by the stars but instead I look at the big picture and go from there. The man I adore has Virgo rising and a Leo moon which tells me a lot about him, he has had a hell of a time financially for quite a long time but that is changing for the better and he loves the finer things in life and always will, he is not happy living hand to mouth and it makes him almost physically ill to have to do so.
I have a wonderful present for him and I have held on to it what seems like forever and I can’t wait to give it to him as I know he will love it! I had planned on meeting him in Nigeria but I had a bad feeling he wouldn’t show up so that trip never happened. I do believe if we set up to meet it will happen the next time and then I can give him the present that I saved for, for so very long and I know he will shit when I give it to him. I open the box and look at it when I am really down and it makes me smile knowing I picked out the perfect gift for him.
No, I have not picked out a wedding ring, lol as I am not that brazen and besides if he were to accept my proposal we would pick out rings together, which would be very simple yet elegant I assure you.