Hopefully

I know you want me to forget about you and move on so that is what I will do as I cannot stand the pain in my heart any longer. I was such a fool to believe we would ever be together but that is all I have had to hold on too. You have gotten me to this point in my life and I have leaned on you more than you shall ever know and I thank you for being there even though you never have. I have learned a great deal from you and that I am thankful for.

I know I have helped you out financially when things were at there lowest for you and maybe one day you will return what is not rightfully yours but I will not hold my breath. This will be the last time I write as I wrote for you but you are no longer and no one else reads the shit I write anyway. I no it’s been you all along that has been reading what I write and telling me how good of a writer I am even though I am not, you read a lot and can appreciate words on paper.

I know I have made you laugh and also have made you mad but isn’t that what people do? I am not a writer even though I thought I wrote pretty good but I am not published and never will be. My heart is on the floor but I will drag it around for a while and put it back where it belongs. I truly hope you are happy and well and I will never wish harm on you as that is not me even though I am hurting so damn bad. Reality is such a slap in the face.

I wish things were different but wishing doesn’t make it so and letting go does, I hate sleeping by myself night after night and waking alone especially since the dogs are gone but that is life. I have always been alone even in a crowded room and that won’t change because that is me. I have finally given up on “us” as there is no us and only a fool would hold to what isn’t. I am sure you are quite happy with your current girlfriend and I am nothing.

You want me to forget you and I shall do exactly that as I am only hurting and destroying myself living for you, I shall keep existing not living as life without you is no life at all for me. Everything you want is coming to you and your expensive taste will continue to be fed and that should make you happy. I will cry of course but I shall wake up each day and go through the days like a zombie but eventually yes eventually I will come back to life, hopefully. 

My Love

It is finally time to say goodbye

To the one I have loved

What seems all of my life

I can no longer hold on to my dream

As you were the one that made me beam

Letting go is so hard to do

But it is time to make

Room for someone new

I know longer can wait

For someone I thought was my mate

But I have woke up

And will no longer feel like a mut

I will move on and forget about you

Because you never think of me too

I have lied to myself for too long

And you were never here

And I was always wrong

There will never be an us

So I am finally taking the bus

Out of this town

Missing you I will

Even your hair of brown

I wish you the best

I will always love you

But I have to go

I have to run away

Good bye my love

Goodbye 

 

 

Silly Dreams

Here I am sitting at home again as I hear the fireworks being shot off at the Metro park down the road. I should be out with someone enjoying the evening but of course I am not because that would be cheating on the one I love. I guess I am an ass to think he is ever coming to me as I have waited and waited without so much as a word from him. I need to stop daydreaming about him and let go but I just can’t seem to do that.

I am so damn stupid and such an idiot to think someone I have met on the internet would want to be with me and I have to start looking at life realistically. He isn’t coming and it’s time to let go, yes I love him but I can no longer sit and wait for someone who will never appear. This isn’t easy for me but yes I must except what is before me and he is not ever going to be anything but a dream and dreams need to be left in bed.

Sometimes, life makes us think we have something special because that is what gets us through each and every day but then we have to wake the fuck up and accept our lives as they are. I am damn lonely and tired of it but there isn’t anyone worthy of my time in this fucking town or surrounding towns. There is no one that interests me for more than ten minutes and that is enough time for me to size them up and they fall into the fucking boring as hell category.

I will not go out and try to find someone as that is not me but I am putting him behind me because I have no choice and he gives me no choice. It’s time to cut the umbilical cord and move on down the fucked up road of life. I guess I will just walk through each day and maybe I will be able to hold my head up again and be proud of who I am but for now I am feeling pretty down and do not expect that to change anytime soon.

I am no longer going to write because I have nothing to say as the tears stream down my face and acceptance is moving in. He made me happy even though he wasn’t here but it is time to put the past behind me as I have done with Bob I shall do with him. I feel such a loss, worse than when Bob died because I love this man but no matter how much you love someone love will not make them want you and come to you.

His life is turning around and he will find his life to be so much better and I am glad for him, I really am as I never wanted anything bad to happen to him other than his dick not get hard when he goes to fuck another woman. I know longer even wish that as I just want him to be happy and God knows that to love someone really love them you want only the best for them and that is exactly how I feel. I know I am not the type of woman he would want to be with and that is another thing I must accept.

My heart aches so but I must let go of my silly dreams. 

Stuck Like Glue

There comes a time when we must allow our dreams to guide us and let the magic work for us without putting a damper on it. I have given up on my dreams, hopes and wishes but it is time to let them make me happy again and dream sweet dreams once again. The sweetest of dreams always contain one person and he rules my heart and he is always in my thoughts, every moment of every day and I know one day he will come to me and make me the happiest woman on this earth.

He has no idea how hard life has been for me and being totally alone now is very difficult for me as I always have had my pets to keep me company but those days are gone and I am completely alone and it is hard for me. I so wish he would come to me and we could make sweet love and share our worlds. We have so much to offer each other and I so want to spend time with him at the rv as no one there even knows I am alive except the few friends I have.

I do not socialize and keep to myself as the gossip at the campground is worse then my neighborhood and I have no interest in partaking in the gossip circles. I enjoy myself barbecuing, kicking back and reading, going to the pool, golf course, shooting pool and sitting by the fire. People come by and chat for a bit and then off they go on their golf cart. I like tooling around on my cart and visiting or just going for a  ride at sunset or early morning when it isn’t so hot.

I would so love to take him for a ride in the words and fuck his brains out as I love being daring and find it exciting to have sex with the possibility of getting caught. I think it would be a rush to give him a blowjob under the table at a restaurant, ya I know I am off the wall but hey that’s what makes life fun. I think about fondling him in the pool and having him enter me with people all around us but not knowing what we are doing.

I enjoy romance as well but I do like daring sex and I am somewhat kinky I am sure others would say, but I do not care what others think or say as I do what I please and do not let anyone lead me around. He would probably think I am completely nut but that is me and I will not change for anyone, not even him. He hasn’t a clue that I am wild at times and I so enjoy letting go and just being myself, I love to joke and laugh especially with men.

I am a huge flirt but in a subdued way as that is hotter than putting it out there but I do not mean any harm, I just find it to be fun like a sport nothing more. I am not interested in making anyone jealous as flirting to me doesn’t include the one I love, it is personal not to make one jealous or feel insecure which I can’t stand. I get jealous occasionally but do not like it one bit so if I was hurting him or making him mad all he would have to do is let me know and I would stop.

I think it would be hot to be sitting next to him and have on a dress and he slips his hand under my dress and into my panties, fuck I think I could explode right now thinking of him and how exciting doing sensual in public gets me. Most people would frown upon doing anything like that but not me. I realize I am suppose to be “respectable” and forget about having sex at my age but I will not apologize for having such a strong sex drive at my age. I have more going on than most people twenty years younger than I am.

I constantly think of loving this man and fucking the shit right out of him and that makes me so fucking wet and I stay that way day after day. He does that to me, just thinking about his cock makes me wet and I so want to make love to him, care for him, guide him, give him the world, yes I want to give him the world and see him happy and hopefully I can make him happy. I imagine myself sitting on him naked and bending down and kissing, then lieing on his chest with his cock deep inside me.

I think of making love to him all the time but I also worry about him constantly and am concerned for his welfare. I want him so bad it hurts, yes it does and I pray everyday for him to come to me but he doesn’t. I can only assume he is spending his time with another woman and that hurts me so I try not to think of that and dream of him coming to be with me. I can beg and write until I am blue in the face but that won’t make him come to me.

He must want to be with me and it appears he does not and that is hard for me to accept but I feel I must. Here I go again back and fourth emotionally but I have nothing to hold onto and I don’t hear from him and it hurts, hurts me so bad but I cannot change what is. I haven’t discussed him with my counselor as I do not want anyone to know what an ass I am for falling in love with someone I have never met. People would tell me to walk away and just let go but it isn’t that easy for me because when my heart is involved I am stuck like glue.