Destiny

I have written poetry for most of my life as I am able to express myself so much better even though no one reads it and no one knows how I really feel. Poetry is a wonderful way of expressing oneself and so many do not bother to read between the lines but only the words on the page. I am not an exceptional writer and it really doesn’t matter because I write for me, I try to let go of what hurts me so and writing is my way of releasing.

I am haunted by so much and I am saddened as well but that is life and my personal living hell. I walk tall and so self assured but I really am not this is my facade this is my mask of lies I chose to hide behind. We cannot cover our heads in the sand and hide from life as life has a way of finding us and we end up paying ond way or the other. I am finally getting my house cleaned which says that my mind is getting straight in thought for a change.

I can see the beauty that surrounds me and I can drink in the flesh of others, I can see clearly now that the rain is gone and I can see what is to come to pass in the near future. This is sometimes a gift and sometimes it is a jail cell as it tells me so much that I need not know but do. I see great happiness for one, great success, great love headed his way, I see smiles, a quiet heart, peace and serenity, I see the world as it should be through his eyes.

He has worked long and hard only to have his empire torn down but he is rebuilding slowly brick by brick and he will accomplish his task before he knows it, he thinks he is nothing yet he is everything to so many, his world will brighten and burst into color like a firework. He will find himself and what makes him really happy and he will find the peace he has sought for so very long.The love he needs is right in front of him he just has to reach out.

You can love someone from afar and if they don’t believe it or know it, it doesn’t matter because only you feel it. He knows not of the depth of my love and I doubt he ever will but I will continue to love him just the same. I will continue to pray for him and wish him well as I am his friend and that is what a true friend wants for another. Even though I am selfish and want him for myself I can wish that his star shines brightly forever and a night.

I often get lost when it comes to him because I have so many questions and misunderstandings I am sure but one day all the answers will come may way. I believe he fears me like the fox that fears the trap but I have no desire to trap him, no in fact quiet the opposite as I want him to come to me freely with open arms and heart. Will he ever? I do not know but I know I cannot let go as this is not an order from God but his wish I am so positive of.

I have never been so sure of something in my life, no this is in cement not a fleeting dream, one must know their own heart and follow it’s destiny even when two are apart and I shall wait like a frog on a lillypad as I have no other choice and cannot run from my own heart. Desires are what makes us love and I love so deeply that it is sometimes takes a hold of me and controls me, yes loving another isn’t easy but it is my destiny

The Sea

I am the pebble that skips upon the water

No one counts

No one sees

That little pebble

Is just me

 

I am the lonely pebble

devout of color and shape

I am no one special

I am just me

 

I skip the last time

and land as the bottom of the sea

no one here’s and no one sees

the lonely pebble at the bottom of the sea

 

For Eternity

My nose is running and I am crying like a baby because my heart is broken so I think I will just go to bed and cry myself to sleep. There is no point in writing anything else as I have said it all and I tend to repeat myself time and time again. I pray to God that he releases me from this pain one way or the other and yes I am ready to meet my maker and I have been for a very long time, so please God I beg you to give me slumber for eternity, please.

Or Should He?

It’s one thing to think you know the one you love is with another woman and it is a completely different thing to know that it is true and it hurts like no other pain in the entire world. I had fallen in love with someone for the first time when I was almost fifty one and I know that sounds absurd but it’s the truth. We met in the oddest of ways and we have never even really met but my heart got wrapped in knots one day and I realized I was head over heels in love with this man.

One would think I was a complete idiot if they knew how we became acquainted online but I prefer not to go backwards and choose to go forward. He is a wonderful man he truly is and I have long ago forgiven him but he must forgive himself and I do not know if he ever will until he faces me with the truth. I am not going to beg him to do that and he and only he can make that decision and he will make the right choice for himself I am sure of it.

My heart is on the floor in pieces as I now know the truth and can no longer deny that he has been spending his time with another woman and it hurts, damn it hurts. I am sure I have hurt him but I have never been with another man in any romantic setting and cannot imagine myself even trying to, especially now. I love this man to much to want anything but his happiness and as hard as I try, I do not want him happy with “her” the great and wonderful Ms. AB.

I sit hit with tears welling up in my eyes because I wanted to be with him so bad, for us to share our lives but I can see that I am not of his choosing and I cannot go to him so he can see me, the real me. To touch me, taste me, smell me that will never happen as he is doing that with another. Men come in two types, the ones that never remarry because their heart is so damn broken and the kind that remarry within two years of a divorce. Most divorced men marry within that time frame not because I say so, it’s the statistics.

I have never looked upon myself as the great catch because I am not and never will be but one thing about me is when I love I love deeply and for a lifetime. I guess the only ones that know that are my family or what is left of it. My children see how happy I am when I talk about this man and they see my unhappiness and loneliness as I sit home alone night after night even though they are not here. I have integrity and grit and I can handle most of my problems myself but this one, this isn’t a problem so much as a life changing experience.

He no doubt is fucking her this second and I sit here crying my eyes out like a damn fool, what else was I expecting? Really? For him to want me, love me, marry me? Yes that’s exactly what I was expecting or at least hoping for but I now know that will never happen as he is involved with another. I am the great loser once again and it never fails as my life is starting to come together my heart has fallen apart. I wish for once I could be happy just for one fucking day.

There are some things you just never get over and I cannot see myself ever getting over him as I love him so much it hurts, hurts like hell but I cannot make him want me or love me and that is just the way it is. I want him to have everything he needs and matters of the heart is one of his greatest needs. He needs to be loved because he cannot thrive without it and that is a fact. He can accomplish so much if he is in love because love makes the world go round and that is the truth as I have learned from him.

I’m not going to do anything that would hurt my children but I am in so much pain I don’t know how I can face tomorrow and I know I do not want to, not without him but when did I ever have him to begin with? Never, that’s when and that’s the way he wants it and I have to respect his choice even if I do not agree with it or like it. I do not know what is best for him or myself for that matter except that WE belong together and he should not be with her or should he? 

Of A Kind

I will miss you terribly

but you will never hear from me

 I will not try to stop your happiness

as I love you too much.

I know you have been so lonely and she has promised you much

and that you should know is nothing but lust.

One cannot promise never to hurt you as

we always hurt the ones we love and you know that.

I am the loser in the big game of life

and now you are choosing another new wife,

 I cannot throw myself in front of you to stop you

and wouldn’t if I could because I love you.

I don’t use the words lightly in fact they are heavy to say

to anyone else and I cannot except my children.

I have waited for so long and I will continue to wait

until I know you have tied the knot.

I am here all alone waiting for you to come home.

I have waited for so long

and it has never once felt wrong.

You can forget me if you try

but you will always live with that lie.

You cannot leave me without me in your dreams

and I will always rely on you to be there for me.

I must let go I know that now

but I have absolutely no clue how,

I will be here if you change your mind

because we will always be one of a kind