My Life

I picked up Janet this morning and we had breakfast and then came back to the house and cleaned the garage, Janet is wonderful and I love her like a mother I never had. Janet listens to me and she has noticed the change in me since my meds were adjusted, she says I am so much calmer and seem to be at peace and I am. It is difficult to fina a good doctor but when you finally do your entire world changes for the better as mine has. My children even have noticed the change in me and I am happy for that as things have been so tough do to the wrong meds for so long.

I got my mamogram results back today and they came back good which I expected with these big ass watermelons but it’s the ultra sounds that I am concerned about and waiting for those results, which hopefully will come back good. I see the doctor on the seventeenth about my colonoscopy and I will schedule it at that time, been to the dentist got a cavity refilled and teeth cleaned so I am basically good to go for six months. I have to take care of myself for the kids have no one but me and I need to keep up on all the exams and required health check ups.

I have noticed that I have put all these things off because I didn’t care about myself for so long but that all changed and I once again care about myself and have to do the right thing if not for myself my kids.  Being a single parent is draining at times and I wish they had a father figure but they don’t and it’s my responsability to care for them and I do. The one thing they have learned is their mom is a great cook and most parents aren’t even home or the kids are eating frozen food all the time.

My son is always bragging about how well I cook and that makes me feel good because they actually notice I am different from most moms. I do not think I am a better parent then others but I do try to teach my kids the importance of eating good food and not becoming McDonald junkies and they are not. My son loves chicken fingers and I make mine from scratch as most food I prepare and he no longer will eat at McDonalds unless necessary.

I miss my children so much my heart aches and I cry every day but they are coming home soon which I am thrilled about that. It hurts when you are accused of being a bad parent especially when it isn’t true. I will be so damn happy to have them in my arms again. I am concerned about the man I am in love with because he says he isn’t married and doesn’t have any children and I do not think this is a good thing because he has no experience with children on a regular basis and this could cause a lot of problems and I do not think I can do that to my children or myself.

It would be so much easier if he had children because he could understand why I chose to do the things I do and only a parent can understand another parents motives. I really need to be involved with a man that understands children and being involved with someone that has no clue will not build a good family base and that concerns me greatly. There are times that you need just to hang with your kids without your partner around and I doubt he would understand that and start getting angry and feeling insecure.

It’s important to spend one on one time with the kids, going to the movies, out to dinner or just for a drive as they need to feel important because they are important, more important than any man ever could as I will not sacrifice a moment with my kids for any man, absolutely not. They will grow up and be gone before to long and I won’t miss a minute of their lives as they are almost out the door, which is hard for me to accept but must.

I have watched women put men before their kids and it made me sick as all they did was complain about their kids, I have always loved spending time with my kids and always loved when they were home for a holiday or summer vacation. I cannot understand not wanting to be with your children, I just cannot as we bring them into this world and we should never get “tired” of them but love them and I love my kids unconditionally. Yes I have been very angry at them but have never quit loving them and never will.

I would never want anyone to put me first before their children, on occasion is one thing but on a daily basis absolutely not and if that were to happen then that would be the demise of the relationship as I would have no respect for him and I would feel so bad for his children. Hopefully, if and when I ever do remarry, he has children and has a good relationship with them because a parent with a bad relationship with his children is not a person I want to spend my life with. 

Fair To Them

Being a child of divorced parents isn’t easy and it also isn’t easy being the children who have lost a parent. Children see things differently than adults do and my children spent all their time with me until my husband stole them and bought their affection. When a mother has her children and she does almost everything with them they are shaped by her views and they rely on her to be there always and when mom is no longer there it is hard on children even when they deny it. 

Boys especially have a special bond with mom and when there is no mother figure around it affects them greatly even though they hide it and hide it well. My son has had a difficult time being away from me as we are so close and I am so honest with the both of them. Lieing to a child is the worse thing you can ever do it really is and the more lies you tell them then they become accustomed to lieing and lie often. Children mimic their parents in so many ways that we must be cautious on our behavior and what we say.

I have to watch what I say and do as I want my children to be themselves with as little negative influence from me as possible. Children thrive on stability and they need a home that is stationary as well as school and friends and my husband took them and moved several times and upset the apple cart once to often. Children need parents like they need air and it is important to give them what they need to grow and develop properly.

When I lost my little girl I had just found out several days prior that I was going to have a little girl and it was devastating, absolutely devastating to me. I was thrilled to be having another child once I accepted the fact and I was thrilled for my kids as another sister would be great for both of them. I wish I had had a little boy as well as my son is so wonderful with younger kids and now that he is on meds he is so wonderful to be with. He is so damn smart and is a great role model for any kid and he would love to have a little brother but those days are long pass.

I love children and treat them as individuals as that is exactly what they are, I find it important to exalt their talents and help them with their difficulties as that is what a child really wants. Children want love and acceptance and they want to see their parents happy even if they are divorced. The older children get the more they resent their parents remarrying and I am fortunate as my children want to see me happy so remarriage for me if it ever happens will be quite easy and not a difficult adjustment for them at all.

I do not want anyone disciplining my children as that is my job and I surely do not want anyone expecting me to discipline their children as that causes ill feelings all the way around. I prefer to sit a child down and talk to them about a problem instead of dropping the hammer and screaming and yelling. You have to know when it is best to send a child to their birth parent and when it is ok to talk to them about an issue. Children are so damn special and they are magnets that pick up our habits so we must be so very careful who we expose them to.

You have to be cautious on who you let around your children because people play games and pretend to like your kids when the truth is they do not but will play the game to get you. I am to smart for that game and my children and I have an understanding and I am not willing to let just anyone around them and certainly not to quickly either. I do not agree with people introducing their lover to their children on the second or third date. One never knows if that person will be around and if they aren’t all you do is confuse the children.

Being a child of molestation as well as rape I am especially cautious about my daughter, I have not dated anyone so it hasn’t been a problem but to bring a man around the house is a scary thought for me as I guard my children with my life and anyone that ever harmed either of them I would kill, literally. My daughter is stunning absolutely stunning and her beauty draws much attention and I do fear for her because of my past but I also know I cannot protect her every minute of every day but I fear so much for her.

I had a wonderful relationship with my youngest step daughter until her mother became jealous and caused problems, huge problems and  that was hard for my husband and myself. We had a good relationship after she graduated from high school but when my husband lost his leg she used us to pay for her wedding and she never came around again. She and her father had issues that had nothing to do with me but I got blamed for so much, which wasn’t fair to me.

Katie is now taking care of my son until he comes home and I have no problem with that as  I am all my kids have and if something happens to me I want them to have family because family has always been so important to me. People don’t respect family or the importance of family but I do because I am alone with no one but a sister and a mother and neither have the time for me or my children. I cannot have a relationship with my step children because of what they did to their father, they used him, us but worse they hurt him terribly and I won’t go into that.

People tend to chose their partner over their children which is wrong, yes it’s important to have a good adult relationship but our children rely on us and will forever as we are the foundation in their lives and to chose your partner over your child says a lot about you as a person. I would never chose my partner over my children, I just could not and I would do everything in my power to solve what ever issues were shaking the family core and I am mature enough to be able to sit down and work out a problem instead of run from it or my children and I certainly wouldn’t let my children control me or manipulate me.

Children know what buttons to push and you have to be very careful because they love to push the guilt button and they love to say “if you loved me” which is so typical of kids as well as adults. If I remarry and the man has children I would expect him to keep both of us at the same level with each of us being elevated at the appropriate times. I would never attempt to replace their mother and never could as to try to compete is stupid and childish.

Children try so hard to protect their parents and they hide their own wounds and lead us to think everything is fine with them when it isn’t, being a child with one parent is hard on any child and there are no exceptions and they need to be listened to intently and the parent needs to read between the lines as our child are our great protectors and will through themselves under a bus to see a parent happy. Children always pay the price for the mistakes of their parents and that is in no way fair to them. 

It’s Called Love

He tells me he loves me but does he really or does he feel sorry for me because life has been so hard for me? I don’t want his pity and sure the hell do not need it, pity is for others not for me because I refuse to pity myself and refuse to allow others to feel such a weakness for me. I am no different than anyone else as we all have our ups and downs, mine just seem to come in five year stints and life is getting better each day and will continue to get better.

My problem is I have had to rely on ignorant doctors for way to long and finally have one that knows what the hell she is doing. She straightened out my meds and got me on the right track and I needed that for a very long time. I got tired of all the emotional ups and downs and went searching for a new doctor at the right time and found one, thank you God. I will always be unbalanced near and during a full moon and that is just a fact but once it passes I am on even ground again.

I have had a hell of a go with it but that is ok as I have learned much and that is what is important, the knowledge one gains from hard times makes the easier times so much easier and delightful. I have no idea how hard his life has been but I can imagine it hasn’t been a picnic yet he never complains to me, never and I wish he would. He can trust me but I assume he doesn’t want to burden me and worry me because he knows I worry so much about him.

We have been kept apart for so long but God had his reasons and I know that we will finally be together soon because God knows we need each other and are meant for each other. I will never turn my back on this man and can only reach my hands out to him and he will take them one day I hope and pray. We have a connection that cannot be broken no matter how we may try and it doesn’t matter how many women he has been with because I am the one in his heart of hearts.

There is no other woman that could ever keep his interest as I have and I am not tooting my horn no I am not I am just stating facts and there is no other man that can hold a candle to the one I love and never will be. He walks with much confidence but he has his moments that he is not so confident but doesn’t show it. People admire him for his strength and wisdom yet he does not see himself that way and so many wish they were like him, they really do. I am glad he is beginning to love himself more because it is time to put the bad behind him and only look at the good coming his way.

I hope he realizes I am part of the good in his life as he progresses job wise and he will be making a lot of money which will thrill him to death. I don’t care about the money all I care about is him and I think he knows that by now and if he doesn’t he is a damn fool. He could live in a grass shack pulling turnips for a living and I would stand beside him as long as he is happy that is all that counts. His happiness is going to grow tenfold in the next year and I am thrilled for him. I want so badly to be his wife but I would never push him into marriage or demand commitment from him as love does not encompass acts of that kind. 

I think he puts me on a pedestal and I wish he wouldn’t because when I fail him I will greatly disappoint him, which I have no desire to do. Hearing him laugh makes me want to dance and I so love to hear him happy as that means everything to me as he is my world and makes my world turn. Without him, I am so lonely but when I hear his voice I am filled with joy and feel complete and I wish he knew that and maybe just maybe he will understand how I have held on for so long, it’s called love. 

Time

Time waits for no one

And it won’t wait for me

I am getting older

And lonelier

I wait for only one

But he hasn’t felt age

He thinks time will wait

But doesn’t he know

That it won’t

I will wait

but time will not

As my time shortens

Our time together shortens as well

I want to spend the time I have

With him and him alone

He is my life

He is my love

But will he ever be my

Husband? 

Being Stupid

Some people are given the gift of art, sports, acting ect. my gift is taking care of a man. I know that sounds terrible for a woman to think her best skill is to take care of a man but I am quite happy and proud to admit it. I like committment and marriage, I enjoy taking care of a man everyday and I am damn good at it. I enjoy men and I enjoy family in fact I love family and building lasting relationships. I enjoy sharing moments that are priceless with the ones I love even though my marriage sucked, I took care of my husband and enjoyed taking care of him.

My marriage wasn’t all bad and I really liked to please him by making his favorite foods, taking care of the finances and things he didn’t enjoy taking care of. I enjoyed seeing him smile and I liked seeing him happy and content, yes even a marriage that sucked had its moments. There is nothing like the moment your first child is born as this moment is shared between the two of you and the wonder before you.

I want to be married again because I want to share my life with someone not because I need someone and feel insecure. Quite the opposite I am very secure within myself and can take care of myself and my children. No, I am not perfect and have made many mistakes but loving a man is something I am very good at as I have found a man that I love for himself, to me he is just another man, no one famous or admired as he is human not a God.

So many want to be married to wealthy, famous people but I do not and if they happen to be then that means nothing to me. It makes no difference to me what my husband does as long as he is happy and healthy. Those are the prime things that concern me and it is my job to see to both of them. I am very supportive in what my husband may choose to do with his life and I never stand in the way when he may decide to make a change.

I believe in freedom and not confinement, I believe in this because without it you cannot grow as individuals or a couple. I absolutely love cooking for the one I love and watch them enjoy a meal, especially with friends. Food, Family and friends is the perfect combination and I want my husband to be proud of me as most people buy frozen food these days and to cook from scratch is a thing of the past. I enjoy waiting on my husband, I know foolish me right? No it is not because it gives us both pleasure and shows love as well as respect.

I do not like arguing and I am usually the one that gives in because I dislike it so, I prefer to skip along the rocks and go with the flow and when two people are well matched there is little arguing. I enjoy giving my husband gifts yet I do not care for them but so enjoy watching his face when I give him something he really wanted. I enjoy walking hand in hand and the simple life like sitting on the back porch swing in the evenings talking or just admiring God’s beauty.

Marriage to me is so much more than love and committment, it is two people growing and supporting each other’s dreams, it is guidance and learning as well as teaching each other, it is respect and admiration without jealousy, it is a life filled with secrets just between the two of them. Marriage is not wanting someone to support you financially and buy you shit all the time, at least not to me. Marriage is not to be thrown into the courts when things get tough but to work things out and if things are so bad either is miserable then you should let go and move on without anger and hatred.

The next marriage I enter into will be the happiest because I have nothing pushing me into it except my heart and I will not marry strictly for love but compatibility because if two are not compatible the marriage will sink faster then a ship full of bullet holes. I invest to much in a relationship to not have already made a choice that I know is a perfect fit for me and when I commit it is for the rest of my life and yes I will wait on him, take care of him, clean up after him and love him for the rest of our lives. If that makes me stupid, then I love being stupid. 

The Naughty Me

He makes me so naughty and think naughty thoughts and do naughty things to my body. He makes me want him all of him and he makes me love him so. I want to be with him always and to make him happy and share myself with him. I want to feel what he feels, understand what he doesn’t understand and help him when he needs help. No I just don’t want his body I want to be his best friend, his lover and  occasional mentor and I want him to teach me as I will teach him.

We are one and we are power and strength, we are wisdom and love, we are the universe in good and we care for the world, we help others and share our minds with others, we want to make this world a better place and we are goodness even though we have done bad things. We are knowledge, we are not infinte wisdom but we are wise and we are one. Let us show others what we have learned and we can change so many things for the better as we are pure love, yes we are.

LOL

I woke up and had to pee at 2:30 am mild hang over not too bad but boy was I fucked up. I don’t drink and of course didn’t go fishing with that asshole. His stunt at lunch yesterday was enough for me, liar what a fucking liar, didn’t use his real name, cheap ass polyester suit, fucking dick even couldn’t pay for a $20.00 dollar lunch without his charge card. Says a lot and I bet when he came out of the bathroom and found me gone that was a shocker.

Fucking dick playing games and thought he was going to get laid for twenty bucks, the cost of lunch. What an asswipe, I hate cheap people and liars what the fuck he thought he could play me? Not this gal, I had been taught by the best and if you are going to play me you better damn well have your game plan in place. What a dick is all I can say, trying to use his looks to get fucked well he didn’t get so much as a kiss from this woman.

He probably plays all the women in the grocery as it is a good place for a pick up. Ya he was attractive but something wasn’t right from the get go and I knew it. But I have to look at it this way I got a free salad out of the deal but damn he was so stuck on himself and that’s all he talked about. Booooring, very boring indeed and I doubt he even remembered my name as I couldn’t get a word in edge wise. Some people just love to pat themselves on the back and he was one of them.

The suit was a dead give away, probably a car salesman no way a guy that works in Troy, no fucking way as I know better. People that live in Troy have money and lots of it, they do not come downriver, nobody comes downriver as downriver is not for the wealthy, not even the island any longer.The once wealthy Grosse Isle is not what it used to be, not at all but who the fuck cares anyway I don’t give a fuck where I live but I do live in the “ritzy” part of Rockwood and most of downriver is aware that Liparoto Estates says wealth even though I am not wealthy.

My home cost $365,000 to build and some bitch down the street offered me $90,000 talk about taking advantage of a a widow, now that is just plain fucked up. People here you lose your husband and like buzzards, they try to pick you dry and take advantage of you. Ninety grand, shit I couldn’t believe it and I told her so, told her I wouldn’t sell her my basement for that but I would gladly by her house for $40,000. LOL

Plan For Me

I am crrazy in love with this man, like i have never felt before and I want him to be part of my life and his, he accepts who I am and who I will be as I will help him with anything and I mean anything. There is no love that compares to ours. We are special we our unique and one of a kind and need to be together. This is God’s plan not mine and I follow God and his plan for me.

He See

I want him now 

I want him forever

He is man

He is my metor

He loves me so much

As I love him

We are meant to

Be together

Not for a moment

But for a life time

Together

I will help him

With his dirty deeds

Because he is one

He is in need

He must be my only

He must be with me

Because I love him

Doesn’t he see? 

This Second

I want to be with him right now and I cannot and getting shit faced is all I can do. I am not a drinker but he makes me want to get drunk and forget my pain and think of his penis. lol I’m a dirty girl with nasty thoughts of him fucking me which I should not be thinking but can’t help it. I want to get naked and climb on him like a mountain that he is. He is my mountain man even though he thinks not, we are meant be together and we are meant to make love yes deep passionate love even though he has fucked so many others.

I will show him what real love is what it means and how it feels, I can feel him deep inside me right this second.