He tells me he loves me but does he really or does he feel sorry for me because life has been so hard for me? I don’t want his pity and sure the hell do not need it, pity is for others not for me because I refuse to pity myself and refuse to allow others to feel such a weakness for me. I am no different than anyone else as we all have our ups and downs, mine just seem to come in five year stints and life is getting better each day and will continue to get better.
My problem is I have had to rely on ignorant doctors for way to long and finally have one that knows what the hell she is doing. She straightened out my meds and got me on the right track and I needed that for a very long time. I got tired of all the emotional ups and downs and went searching for a new doctor at the right time and found one, thank you God. I will always be unbalanced near and during a full moon and that is just a fact but once it passes I am on even ground again.
I have had a hell of a go with it but that is ok as I have learned much and that is what is important, the knowledge one gains from hard times makes the easier times so much easier and delightful. I have no idea how hard his life has been but I can imagine it hasn’t been a picnic yet he never complains to me, never and I wish he would. He can trust me but I assume he doesn’t want to burden me and worry me because he knows I worry so much about him.
We have been kept apart for so long but God had his reasons and I know that we will finally be together soon because God knows we need each other and are meant for each other. I will never turn my back on this man and can only reach my hands out to him and he will take them one day I hope and pray. We have a connection that cannot be broken no matter how we may try and it doesn’t matter how many women he has been with because I am the one in his heart of hearts.
There is no other woman that could ever keep his interest as I have and I am not tooting my horn no I am not I am just stating facts and there is no other man that can hold a candle to the one I love and never will be. He walks with much confidence but he has his moments that he is not so confident but doesn’t show it. People admire him for his strength and wisdom yet he does not see himself that way and so many wish they were like him, they really do. I am glad he is beginning to love himself more because it is time to put the bad behind him and only look at the good coming his way.
I hope he realizes I am part of the good in his life as he progresses job wise and he will be making a lot of money which will thrill him to death. I don’t care about the money all I care about is him and I think he knows that by now and if he doesn’t he is a damn fool. He could live in a grass shack pulling turnips for a living and I would stand beside him as long as he is happy that is all that counts. His happiness is going to grow tenfold in the next year and I am thrilled for him. I want so badly to be his wife but I would never push him into marriage or demand commitment from him as love does not encompass acts of that kind.
I think he puts me on a pedestal and I wish he wouldn’t because when I fail him I will greatly disappoint him, which I have no desire to do. Hearing him laugh makes me want to dance and I so love to hear him happy as that means everything to me as he is my world and makes my world turn. Without him, I am so lonely but when I hear his voice I am filled with joy and feel complete and I wish he knew that and maybe just maybe he will understand how I have held on for so long, it’s called love.