This Age

I had a dream last night that was so odd, the man I love came to me but he had a little boy with him, this little boy was so polite to me and so sweet and I asked my sweetie who the boy was and he said his son.  I couldn’t believe what he said because he had told me he wasn’t married and didn’t have any children, he held me close and said he was sorry and he loved me and needed to talk to me. I invited them in and asked the boy if he would like some chocolate chip cookies and milk and he looked at my sweetie who  nodded his head yes.

We went into the kitchen and I had just made a fresh batch of cookies and he sat down on I got him a cold glass of milk as he looked around. We went and sat down on the couch and he began to explain to me that he was married and had older kids as well but he got custody of his son in the divorce. I wasn’t angry but did wonder how I fit into the picture and he said he wanted to be with me but wanted to be sure things worked out with his son. This young wonder’s name has escaped me but it his name started with an S, as I recall from my dream.

I didn’t say a word as I listened intently and watched the boy eat his cookies and I asked him if he would like some more and he politely said no. He was such a cute thing and so sweet I just wanted to eat him up and hug him but I didn’t move from the couch as he came in and sat with us. I put on a movie and he sat very close to his dad as we watched the movie. We made plans for dinner and talked of going to the campground and the boy was really excited about that.

I woke up with a start and got a drink and peed and went back to sleep hoping to pick up where I had left off in the dream. I woke up the next morning and I was left wondering what the dream was trying to tell me and I have yet to figure it out.  I usually can figure out my dreams but this one was so vivid, so real that I couldn’t put it together and I thought how wonderful it would be if my sweetie really had children and a little boy this age. 

Such A Loser

Today was a good day, we got alot done around here and my bedroom is almost cleaned hurray! Janet is my blessing as she helps so much and she is such a good person to be around, I have been giving her a bunch of shit I no longer want or need and she can use it, which I am glad I can help her out. I hadn’t thrown away anything of Bob’s because I felt guilty but I am past that point and pitching his shit out left and right as I cannot stand to look at the cheap shit he wasted money on.

I’m feeling better emotionally and getting stronger everyday but  the abdominal pain is still there and I am seeing the doctor next week and scheduling the colonoscopy asap. I need to know what is causing me so much pain and I haven’t received the ultrasound test results back yet. I am sure it isn’t anything big probably fibroid tumors pushing on my ovaries or something of that nature. I have court next week for the felony charge and they are going to want me to take a reduced charge, no fucking way is that going to happen.

The charges will either be dropped because of the paperwork I have or I will go to trial, either way I do not see myself to be found guilty as I did nothing wrong and my attorney says so. Once this matter is cleared up things are going to change big time as I finally will have the repercussions of wrong meds behind and that will make me glad. I have to see a referee about getting the kids back as well and the only thing that can be requested is family counseling which I am all for so there is no problem there.

If Shelby chooses to stay at her boyfriends than I no longer will have a daughter, it’s that simple as I will turn my back on her and let her piss away all of the money coming to her and she will not get a fucking dime of the money I put away for her, it’s only ten grand that Bob couldn’t get his hands on but still. I am sick of doing back flips for that girl and she dumps big turds on me as most teenagers do and her father said a real fine example of what a man should not be and that is what she is attracted to, so be it.

I love my kids but Shelby ha s me very upset and she will learn I am done playing and will not put up with her lame ass boyfriend disrespecting me. My son is doing great and I will be seeing him Friday, don’t know about Shelby and frankly don’t care at this point as I am so mad at her and if she gets knocked up she better not even think I will be there for her because I won’t and I mean it. She wants to be an adult fine be one and take care of your problems yourself as I am not going to be a babysitter, no way and if she is such an adult then she can take care of a child by herself as I am not a fucking dumping ground. She will find life no longer exists as it used to once you have a child and I am not the type of mother that will ease her load as she will have to learn the hard way.

I know that sounds harsh but once you let kids dump their kids on you then you are asking to become that child parent, not legally but in every other sense of the word and I have already raised my children. She has me so upset I am crying and that pisses me off because I do not even know why I am shedding any tears over this as I shouldn’t be. Will she ever wake up and learn? I do not know and if she chooses to marry him I will not be there because I couldn’t stand to see her commit her life to such a loser. 

The Question

It’s 2 a.m. and I can’t sleep so I got up and watered my basil and green onions and other shit that I am growing. I’m eating black cherries and spitting the pits into a large steel bowl, aren’t I a lady, lol.  Sitting hear naked and eating black cherries looking out the window at the moon and wondering what the man I love is doing. I was lying in bed and missing the feel of my puppies walking on me and Pandy jumping back and fourth waiting for me to try to catch her and Miss Athena allows laid next to me and had me rub her belly before she moved to the foot of the bed with Zeus and Apollo.

It’s so damn hard for me to be without my pets and it never would of happened, my pets being given away if I hadn’t been in jail for two weeks. Someone is going to pay for this, damn mother fuckers cops are assholes and they abuse their authority to much, I was handcuffed and sitting in the back of the cop car when the fucking neighbor opened the door and started yelling at me and then she fucking spit on me. Ya the bitch spit on me like I was trash and a few minutes later the cop walked up and closed the door.

What the fuck is wrong with people? This woman was totally out of line and to spit on me? Who in the hell did she think she was? My attorney went nuts when he found out I was in jail and I didn’t get my meds for several days which really fucked me up, especially my blood thinners and the meds I take must be taken everyday and without them I could have died, seriously I cannot quit taking my meds cold turkey and that is a fact.

I don’t know what Doris thinks she is doing but I have news for her, my dad suffered because of her as she didn’t do a damn thing to get him some relief in the end, not a damn thing. I had a fit and went off like a rocket on the Hospice bitch, told her my dad would have morphine by 6 p.m. and she told me he wouldn’t and I informed her she would be fucking gone. By the time the morphine arrived, which wasn’t until an hour after my dad passed I let her have it.

I think Doris was happy that my dad died and that pisses me off as well she is a greedy bitch and a master manipulator who is cashing in a one way ticket to hell. I have learned a lot about medical shit since my husband lost his leg, I have made it a priority to know what these fucking doctors are doing because they do shit just to make more money and I know that for a fact. Bob was intabated and I asked the doctor when he was going to remove the tube, he said maybe tomorrow and I told him he was going to remove that fucking tube that day and he said he felt Bob needed it one more day. I informed him Bob could do without it because he could breathe on his own and I demanded it be removed, which is was with great hesitation from the doctor.

Doctors do shit for money and you have to be so damn careful and know your shit, I have learned so much about hospitals, doctors, nurses, procedures and medical care. I have learned so much because I have buried so many and I am not bragging as this is nothing to brag about but just saying be cautious, be very cautious and have someone knowledgeable with you when you go to the hospital. I went to the hospital with pneumonia and had to be my own advocate, which is hard when you are sick but I did it.

I am hell on wheels when someone is ill and in the hospital, I don’t take any shit and I make the nurses and doctors do their fucking jobs as they are so damn lazy. Bob was in ICU and the nurse had one patient, which was Bob the dumb bitch stuck her hand under the covers and told Bob to put is foot out so she could feel his pulse, he didn’t have a damn foot or leg below the knee as it had been amputated and the fucking nurse didn’t know! I watched tears roll out of his eyes and down his cheeks and it tore me up.

I make it my business to find out as much as I can about a medical subject or any subject that I need knowledge about and I drink it up like a man who has been in the desert without water. I am so fearful of hospitals and I am fearful of marrying again and my husband go into one and die. I know that most people think that is stupid but when you have experienced as much death as I have you become very Leary and watchful of what goes on medically.

I guess not being able to sleep has gotten me wound up and I need to think of things I like to calm me down, lol. I like feather pillows and fans blowing when the air is on, I like the feel of cool clean sheets and soft music, I like the feel of lieing naked in bed with a man’s arm around me, I like the feel of soft kisses and cool breezes, I like calm and serenity, I like the sound of children’s laughter and basket balls bouncing, I like the sound of skateboards and sizzling hamburgers on the grill, I like watching tv with my husband and I like family.

All the things I like are basic and simple not luxurious and expensive, I like the simple life and that will never change as  I am older and kind of set in my ways. I like country and gardens, I like fresh tomatoes on toast with butter, salt and pepper, I like ice tea and small cucumbers, I like fried chicken and mashed potatoes, I like sunsets and the ocean. I like life and what it offers and I want to spend these moments with the one I love but does he want to spend them with me is the question.

Fantastic Evening LololOL

When all else fails hell laugh at yourself, yes just sit down put your hand on your forehead, shake your head back and fourth and just fucking laugh at yourself. That is exactly what I am doing as I just tripped over the vacuum cord. Sometimes I do stupid shit and shut have to laugh at myself like I am now and wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. I posted some pics that I shouldn’t have but the tequilla started talking to damn loud and made me do it.

Of course the next day I realized what I had done and removed them and I sat down and just laughed because sometimes you just have to accept the fact you do dumb shit and it’s ok to do dumb shit once in awhile and laughing at yourself is good as it makes you accept the fact that you are fallible and you are human. I am the most human person I know and I laugh at that as well because I like to laugh and laughter breaks away from the mundane and everyday bullshit.

I am the queen of dumb shit and proud of it and laughing at myself is fun, because I am so damn stupid sometimes that I can’t help but laugh at myself. I can do so many dumb things that I actually sit down and laugh so hard I cry. That is the best kind of laughter, the kind that brings the tears and makes the stomach hurt, we do not laugh at ourselves enough and take ourselves way to serious and that is such a shame. Sometimes I like to get drunk and that is when I do some really dumb shit.

I got drunk one time at my rv and the next morning my panties were hanging in a tree, do not ask me how they got there as I do not remember but I had a great time and I do remember that. I woke up on the bathroom floor naked and cold so it must of been a fantastic evening, lol. 

Redo It Over

It’s time again to redo as Mercury is going retrograde on the fourteenth until August 8th. The good thing about Mercury retro is it’s the repair time of our lives, it gives us time to redo, repair and reassess, it is the time when we find lost things and find out that are cars need repair and if we are smart we do not sign contracts, make big purchases, buy electronic equipment. Mercury retro can be a pain in the ass as well as it slows things we wait for in the mail and screws up all forms of communication.

It never fails Mercury let’s itself be known in my life and I watch carefully for it as I know things will fuck up and I do not get upset and I do not get angry as these things happen for a reason and I accept that When you learn to just take things as they come life is so much easier and so less stressful and that is the way I like to live, stress less as I refer to it, the less stress I have the better I feel and the happier I am as most people are.

I watch for Venus and Uranus as well as those two little trouble makers can wreak havoc on your life and I do not care what others think as watching the stars is important to me and guides me in the right direction. Full moons are watched also as I go into a depression for a week because of the full moon and I know that so I am prepared for it and know it will pass. I signed a contract today which was a good time because I beat that old Mercury retro and I know things will turn out in my favor.

I would never make any big decisions during this time and that means even if I had to lose out on something because I would just have to redo it over. 

At Least For Now

I have reached the point in my life that I have accepted who I am and do not foresee myself in any other light. I am who I am and it doesn’t get any better than that as I accept exactly who I am and where I am in life. I will never be rich and I surely will never be famous as I have never wanted to be, rich at one time yes I wanted to be rich but don’t we all? I have since learned that money buys pain not happiness and I have had my share of pain believe me.

The one thing I know for sure is I am a good person with a good heart and I care for others more than I care for myself, which is not a good thing but I cannot help myself. I have so much empathy that I can actually feel others pain and I have to distance myself from some people as it is actually to painful for me. I know I sound like some wacko but that is fine because I care not what others think and never will. I am a nomad, a seeker of truth and knowledge, I am a drifter, drifting through life and grabbing what happiness I can, I am love, love in the purest of form and I am the light that lights the sky in the darkest of hours.

I chose to lift people up and when I am hurt I do tear them down which is wrong of me and I do not like that part of me and am working on that. I am a painting, a painting in progress and hopefully one day I will be a masterpiece hanging for all to see. I do not think I am “all that” but I do know God has sent me here for a purpose and I try so damn hard to make him proud of me. I have faults, quite a few but I prefer to focus on my good points at least for now.

I am a lover of the earth and sea

and I am the fish that swims free,

I am the soil that one must toil and

I am the air that one must breathe

I am the flower that blooms in the spring and

I am the bumble be that has been set free,

I am the smile on your face and

I am the one that will never bring you digrace,

I am the eyes that see what is before me and

I am the lips that kiss and wish you to be free 

Let go of pain

Let go of your grief

Put all of your energies

In your beliefs 

Being Friends

It’s been difficult very difficult since my husband passed away and I think of him and pray that he is finally happy and healthy as his health issues were numerous and terrible. I am by myself most of the time and have so much time to think that I think to much and need to stop it. I will probably think myself to death in time if left alone for to much longer, I am able to be completely happy and content by myself but I do become to lonesome at times and that makes me cry.

I do wonder if I will live a lonely existence until I die or if I will ever be with the man I love so much, only he can answer that and he stay silent as the night at 3 a.m., I will not try to bribe him to come to me as he must come to me himself and the only words I want to hear from him is “I’m sorry” and I love you and only if they come from the heart. I have forgiven him so long ago but I do not believe he can forgive himself as he knows within how much hurt he has done to me.

I thank God that I can heal myself and I have but I do not have the power to heal him and only he can do that and I wish he would. He is no doubt with another woman and I hope he is happy and finds what he has been looking for. Men do not do well alone, they just don’t and they need a woman in their lives and he is no exception, I do not even know if he enjoys being in a committed relationship and I do wonder if he isn’t in one now how long it has been since he has.

Relationships are difficult and trying at times and people hide the real self until they get that ring on their finger and then the real person comes out. People play games for gain and he has to be so damn careful of who he spends his time with because the media watches him like a fucking hawk. If we ever were to get together and the media asked who I was, I would hope he would say his aunt, lol as I have no desire to play the media game. I am a protector not someone who enjoys being upfront and out front.

I just want to be his wife that is it and I have no desire to be in pictures and on tv, that is his place to shine not mine, I know that sounds like bullshit but it’s the truth and if we never meet I hope he makes a wise choice in the woman he is seen with because I do not want to see his reputation tarnished and that could easily happen. Keeping your private life private is difficult enough without your significant other blabbing to the paparazzi.

I would so love to marry him and have a nice wedding but privacy is my utmost concern and we no doubt would get married by a justice of the peace and go on our way. That’s the way my first marriage was, there was no wedding gown, no pictures, no reception there was nothing. We got married and went home and finished moving Bob in, what a great wedding huh? Lol, it never fails as the greatest times of my life or what should have been the greatest times always left me feeling cheated and even robbed.

Maybe one day, maybe one day I will have something turn out the way it is suppose to but I have yet to see that happen and even though I love this man with all my heart I cannot change his life nor do I want to and his dreams are yet to come which makes me so damn happy for him. That is one thing I really like about myself, I like seeing others happy and reaching their goals and I have  no envy as I am not the envious type but do so enjoy seeing others succeed and getting what they have strived for.

I pray one day the thing I have strived for comes to fruition and that is to be with this man, his legal wife or not just as long as we are together is all I pray for. I don’t know if I am pretty enough for him or if I  make him laugh or feel good about himself, I do not know if he knows how I worry about him and want the best for him, I do not know how he feels at all but I do know that there is no one that loves him like I do and I don’t care what any woman tells him.

I know him for the man he is inside and I like that as I am not bedazzled by what he has or fancy dates, he hasn’t done a single thing to impress me nor does he have to because I can see through that shit and I do not want to spend time with someone that has to live up to others expectations. I want him to live up to his own expectations, be himself at all times and lean on me when the road gets tough as I have very big shoulders. I am here for him regardless if nothing ever happens between us as I consider him a friend and will always love him as a friend as that is the best type of relationship in the world, being friends. 

Peace Within

Being a single parent is hard work, damn hard work as protecting your children is your number one priority and dating, hell dating isn’t even thought about because there are so many people with screwed up ideas and they play games as they pretend to be interested in your kids and try to become your children’s “best friend” they will try to buy your kids and they try to undermine you, they try to talk you into letting your kid do something or have something that you have denied them.

I have no interest in the games people play especially when it comes to my kids and I will not put up with any bullshit either, there’s the fucking door don’t let it hit your ass on the way out is exactly how I feel. I know the games people play because I had a step dad and watched the games being played. People tell you they love you and your kids and then they marry you and treat your kids like shit, I know I have been there and I have not and will not let that type of game be played with my children or myself.

Remarrying is a damn scary thought and I do want to remarry because I do enjoy marriage and family but I have to be so damn careful because of my kids. I don’t expect anyone to love my kids but I do not expect bullshit either and that is a great fear I have. I would expect my children and I to be treated with respect as human beings but to love them, no I do not expect that but it would be nice if eventually that were to happen.

I would want my husband to be part of my family, not an outsider looking in and I would hope that he would want to be part of living life and experiences the kids and I have. I do not want it to be us and him and that scares me to death as it is so damn hard to love someone and your kids and be stuck in the middle. I have several single friends that are dating guys with kids and they pretend to like the kids and they really don’t. This pisses me off because they are so damn fake and phony and just want a man at any cost and that includes hurting his kids, which is so fucking wrong.

The difference between them and I is I want a man but do not need a man to make my life complete and even when my kids are gone I still will not need a man to support me and I like it that way. I like my independence and freedom and I like being me and I like knowing I can take care of myself without the help of a man. To many woman want someone to support them and that is bullshit, just plain bullshit and they use men and I don’t go for that either as using others says a lot about you as a person.

Men are fun, they are hilarious at times and I like to listen to them and the way they think interests me and I find intriguing at times. Men have great outlooks on different subjects and I learn so much from them but my problem is most of them want to fuck me and I am not interested in one night stand as I have tried it once and it sucks. Men can do one nighters and not think twice but I cannot do that and will not as it leaves me feeling like shit.

I cannot do married men either as they lie so much and always say the same shit “she doesn’t understand me” which is bullshit and translates into I want to fuck you but go home to her. I am no ones fool and can see and read between the lines. Maybe one day I will have the perfect man in my life but until then I stay home and enjoy what I can and pray that the man I love will come to me and if he never does than I pray for his happiness and peace within. 

 

Of The Times

I have some great friends but sometimes I want to slap the shit out of Rick, he has serious foot in mouth disease and his wife Lynn feels the same way about her husband-shut the fuck up Rick, lol. Rick and Lynn have been there for me for what seems like ever and Rick and my husband Bob were great friends until Bob turned a blind eye to my son’s lieing and he did serious damage to their friendship and it never was the same.

Rick is retired and Lynn still works because she enjoys her job as a nurse and she needs a break from Rick as he is an alcoholic and he stays home and takes care of Erica, their adopted daughter as Lynn couldn’t have children. Lynn has helped me so much starting with Bob and helping to get him transferred downtown to the hospital as the local hospitals aren’t good for shit, people go in them on two legs and are rolled out on a gurney, as my grandfather was.

Both of these wonderful people have been there for me in my darkest hours and Rick always comes down and checks on me and we do errands together and go to the cemetery together and clean up the grave sites. We talk about almost everything and Rick keeps my business private as so many neighbors have ran their mouths about me to him and he stands up for me. Rick knows these neighbors do not have a life and he gets tired of hearing them and tells them so.

Rick tells me I am attractive but could lose weight and wear some make up, which will never happen as I am not one to want to waste a minute of my day putting on a “fake face” as I refer to women that use makeup to excess. When I do wear make up I use it lightly because it is to enhance beauty not make you appear like you are someone else and as far as the weight, well all in good time and if it’s meant to be as  losing weight isn’t easy for someone my age and it isn’t on the list of priorities.

My priorities are my children and getting myself straightened around and that is it, I am coming along nicely as I enjoy counseling and how it allows me to let go of emotions that have held me back and I am growing leaps and bounds and never thought things could change so fast within myself. I really like my counselor and that makes all the difference in the world as I trust her and know what I say will never be repeated and she can see the change in me, which makes me feel really good about myself.

I am able to pour out my soul to her about my husband and my feelings involving my children and especially how pissed I am at Shelby. Rick needs some help around his house and I asked Shelby to ask Ryan if her and he would like to earn some money helping Rick and the next thing I know her boyfriend is calling Rick and she never even asked her brother, that pisses me off because she is putting that boyfriend before her own brother.

When I was out of town, Leo the boyfriend told my son I left him in charge and Ryan had to listen to him, that little fuck and Shelby didn’t do a damn thing around this house and it was left in a mess and was worse when I came home. I am going to have to let Ms. Pris know that Leo is no longer welcome in my home and she can see him at school and that is it. I am sick of that little rude fucker thinking he can disrespect me and my son and he is not going to continue acting this way and think he is welcome, no more.

My daughter is learning life isn’t so easy and you don’t everything you want because she is going to be cut down to size and she will get what she needs and nothing more. She has always gotten everything she wanted and of course it’s always the best and I buy myself nothing so I can give her what she wants but I can see clearly that that has been a huge mistake. Being a very poor child growing up I wanted to give both kids what they wanted as I did without even the necessities. My son never asks for anything and is happy with what he has and he is a lot like me.

My son and I have such a great relationship and I like talking to him but he will be gone in three years and I will be completely alone at that saddens me. I really like men more than women and without a boy around life will be boring as my son keeps me laughing and I so enjoy just hanging with him, which is weird I know. Boys are cool in so many ways and they are so much easier than girls and since I am such a tomboy I really enjoy watching boys play sports and cheering them on.

I like to listen to them talk about their accomplishments and I like to build them up because how a boy is treated by his mother or woman figure, has a profound affect on how they treat women as they grow up and I want nothing more than to be the best role model I can be for my son. I feel sorry for the girls out there because he will be exceptionally picky as boys always look for a girl like their moms and that is a fact.  I know the type of girl my son will look for and he will be hard pressed to find one like me as she must be a damn good cook and girls don’t cook these days, but that is ok because I am teaching him and he can teach her lol.

My little would have been ten years old this year and I so wish she would have lived but God had different plans for her and yes I still cry every year on the day I lost her and doubt a year will go by without crying on that day. Children are wonderful and they bring such happiness into our lives and people that don’t enjoy their children are missing out on one of life’s greatest accomplishments. I enjoy helping my kids with their homework or listening to them when they need to talk or need advice.

I do not shove my views down their throats but encourage them to expose their feelings and views and when they are mad at me, we sit down and talk about it and I say “I’m sorry” when I should and they bring attention to my short comings and I explain why I did what I did. I am always honest and straight with them because I am hoping they will be the same way when they grow up. I am far from the perfect parent and I do not believe one exists but I try to do the best I can and hope I have set good examples.

My kids want me to be happy and they want me to circulate and “get out there” but I have no desire to do so and I tried but quickly canned him and going out. I prefer to stay home because I am a homebody and I do enjoy going out but rather have a meal at home, watch tv and putz around the house. I want to remarry but don’t know if that will ever happen and with the kids I have to think of them first and most men won’t go for that.

I will never chose a man before my children it just won’t happen and that is a strike against me as men or most men need to be first always and I am not willing to do that and if they have kids they wouldn’t want me to want to be first all the time but they don’t see things through my eyes. I tried really hard to be a good step mom but my husband set me up to take the fall as he never wanted to be the bad guy, he wouldn’t discipline Katie, my youngest step daughter but instead wanted me to and I wouldn’t so that caused a lot of problems as Katie did what she wanted which lead to many arguments between my husband and I.

I bought both my step daughters things they needed, let them live with us, paid for their schooling and so much more and never thought twice about it. No, they were not my children but I treated as if they were and I got kicked in the teeth for it. My husband blamed me for his bad relationship with his girls during our divorce which wasn’t fair because I had never kept him from his girls but encouraged him to see them but he refused.

Being a step parent you have to draw the line and not cross it, you let the parent deal with their child as they see fit and you do not choose sides but instead listen intently and advise as you see fit. You always listen to the child and try to talk to them but you never pick sides as that causes problems. The biggest problem with my stepchildren was the fact I married their father and kept their parents from getting back together. That was never going to happen but I was the road block that kept the possibility from happening and I am sorry they cannot see the truth and accept that I was not in anyway a road block but kids have unreal expectations at times and this was one of the times.