It’s been difficult very difficult since my husband passed away and I think of him and pray that he is finally happy and healthy as his health issues were numerous and terrible. I am by myself most of the time and have so much time to think that I think to much and need to stop it. I will probably think myself to death in time if left alone for to much longer, I am able to be completely happy and content by myself but I do become to lonesome at times and that makes me cry.
I do wonder if I will live a lonely existence until I die or if I will ever be with the man I love so much, only he can answer that and he stay silent as the night at 3 a.m., I will not try to bribe him to come to me as he must come to me himself and the only words I want to hear from him is “I’m sorry” and I love you and only if they come from the heart. I have forgiven him so long ago but I do not believe he can forgive himself as he knows within how much hurt he has done to me.
I thank God that I can heal myself and I have but I do not have the power to heal him and only he can do that and I wish he would. He is no doubt with another woman and I hope he is happy and finds what he has been looking for. Men do not do well alone, they just don’t and they need a woman in their lives and he is no exception, I do not even know if he enjoys being in a committed relationship and I do wonder if he isn’t in one now how long it has been since he has.
Relationships are difficult and trying at times and people hide the real self until they get that ring on their finger and then the real person comes out. People play games for gain and he has to be so damn careful of who he spends his time with because the media watches him like a fucking hawk. If we ever were to get together and the media asked who I was, I would hope he would say his aunt, lol as I have no desire to play the media game. I am a protector not someone who enjoys being upfront and out front.
I just want to be his wife that is it and I have no desire to be in pictures and on tv, that is his place to shine not mine, I know that sounds like bullshit but it’s the truth and if we never meet I hope he makes a wise choice in the woman he is seen with because I do not want to see his reputation tarnished and that could easily happen. Keeping your private life private is difficult enough without your significant other blabbing to the paparazzi.
I would so love to marry him and have a nice wedding but privacy is my utmost concern and we no doubt would get married by a justice of the peace and go on our way. That’s the way my first marriage was, there was no wedding gown, no pictures, no reception there was nothing. We got married and went home and finished moving Bob in, what a great wedding huh? Lol, it never fails as the greatest times of my life or what should have been the greatest times always left me feeling cheated and even robbed.
Maybe one day, maybe one day I will have something turn out the way it is suppose to but I have yet to see that happen and even though I love this man with all my heart I cannot change his life nor do I want to and his dreams are yet to come which makes me so damn happy for him. That is one thing I really like about myself, I like seeing others happy and reaching their goals and I have no envy as I am not the envious type but do so enjoy seeing others succeed and getting what they have strived for.
I pray one day the thing I have strived for comes to fruition and that is to be with this man, his legal wife or not just as long as we are together is all I pray for. I don’t know if I am pretty enough for him or if I make him laugh or feel good about himself, I do not know if he knows how I worry about him and want the best for him, I do not know how he feels at all but I do know that there is no one that loves him like I do and I don’t care what any woman tells him.
I know him for the man he is inside and I like that as I am not bedazzled by what he has or fancy dates, he hasn’t done a single thing to impress me nor does he have to because I can see through that shit and I do not want to spend time with someone that has to live up to others expectations. I want him to live up to his own expectations, be himself at all times and lean on me when the road gets tough as I have very big shoulders. I am here for him regardless if nothing ever happens between us as I consider him a friend and will always love him as a friend as that is the best type of relationship in the world, being friends.