Not So Easy To Obtain

It’s going to be another embarrassing garbage day as Janet and I have gone threw so much shit it isn’t funny. I had to buy three ply garbage bags as the trash cans are over flowing and the other trash bags are not strong enough without tearing, lol. It seems like the more I through away the better I feel, free and lighter and I like it, I like it  a lot and it’s about time that I feel nothing when I look at all Bob’s shit and other paperwork.

I pitch it without thinking twice now which is so great for me and I want to remarry and I want to be a wife again. I want to marry the man I love and I am almost to the point of being ready for a new, healthy relationship but there is still work to do around the house and on myself. Believe me if he wanted to get married I surely wouldn’t say no but I would want us to spend time together for awhile before making such a committment.

I have to be sure that we “work” and that the kids are ok with it and feel that it would be good for all of them as well. When you have children and you remarry, it is not just the two of you but the kids as well as the point is to build family not people living separate lives under one roof. I want the traditional life and I want to take care of my family and home and I want love again, love for everyone and our home to be filled with love and laugher.

I am not asking to much, no in fact I am asking so very little but the so very little is not so easy to obtain. 

Being With Them

I sat here as I watched Janet begin to clean and go through all the shit I had on the table, she was a Godsend for sure. I began to think about the dreams I had which involved this little and it hit me like a ton of bricks. This man that I had loved for so long had a child! He had a little boy and he kept it from me as he did so many things but I could not make him tell me what he chose not to divulge and I would not try to make him.

Time is a truth teller and only time makes us strong enough to tell others the truth, truth and honor go hand in hand and when we are honorable the truth will slide right off our tongue like butter off a hot knife. I have no idea why the man I love is hiding such secrets from me as that does not help to build a strong relationship, if he wants to have a relationship with me. I do not know why he would lie about having a child as it makes no sense, what so ever.

I would never harm is son or him intentionally, no way as I am not one that deliberately hurts children as I was a child of much pain and know how easily you can damage a child. I do the best I can and try to make kids feel good about themselves and I do not like to see a child torn down and hurt. Maybe he thinks I am not good enough to meet him or his child, I do not know but I do know he is intelligent enough to know that his son is number one and will always be as such.

I hope he can see how easily women play games and pretend with children and how easily a child can pick up on it so easily. Children can feel the negative around adults and they can tell when someone is using them to get to their parents. Children are the readers of the liars and they see the manipulation when others cannot see it and they know when people are trying to get a relationship going with their parent by pretending to show interest in them.

Showing interest in your children more than you when your children are around is a tell tale sign, they act like they are so interested in your children and this is all done for you and you alone. When you meet someone and you think you click with them and feel comfortable enough to bring them home to meet your kids and they get along with the kids, you think you have a great combination but look, really look and really listen.

Kids are jealous by nature and do not want to share their parent with someone new but if you listen past the jealousy and anger the child feels and listen to what they are saying, you will find more likely than not that your kids know what the real deal is and the person in your life isn’t for you. This isn’t always true and that is why you must pay so much attention to what your children say. My children are aware of the man I love, they do not know I am in love with him but they know about him.

They are old enough not to be jealous and insecure and want my happiness so if we do ever meet, my kids are open to it which is good as he is a good man. I do not know the dynamics of his relationships with his wife or child and that is not my business but I do hope he comes to me soon and I would never ask him to set his son aside. Children grow to fast to let someone take away those special moments and days together with them and I know as I have two kids I love being with them.

 

Into My Dreams

I do not know why I keep dreaming of this boy but it definitely is a message, one I cannot decifer quite yet. This boy his wise beyond his years and comes to me in the night as if he wants to tell me something but has yet to divulge what it is. I feel so close to this child and have no reason to be as I do not know this child and have never seen him in real life, just my dreams. He seems to hold the key to my life and that is so damn strange.

I wish I could make this child feel whole and feel loved but you cannot do that in a dream as dreams disappear when you wake up. This child seems to know of me sometimes more than I know of myself and he is such a gentle and loving heart. He is somewhat jaded but will grow out of that in time and he speaks like an adult and has the wisdom of one as well at times. This boy wants a family so bad and he wants to be part of something bigger than himself.

The ache in his heart will be there for many years as is most divorced children and they want their parents to get back together as that is their security. He knows he is loved by both parents and he understands the choices that were made but never the less this child needs a family unit again and when that happens he will thrive and feel complete. Until he feels that both of his parents are happy, he will not be happy as he is always thinking of them.

This child is destined for greatness in some form and I do hope it comes soon for him as he is a “little man” in the making and he will bring forth to the world a love that is all consuming. He may only be in my dreams but this child has forever changed me as our conversations in my dream opened me up to a new way of thinking. This dream leaves me so puzzled as I have never felt like I was walking in heaven until he came into my dreams. 

Build Memories

I feel so much lighter today as if I had unloaded a ton of bricks off my shoulders and Barbara my counselor is right, when you right down your feelings you become somewhat free of the hold they have on you. I had another dream and it was about this little boy. This boy is so sweet and caring and he has so much to say and holds so much within that I feel deeply for him as a child can keep what is in his heart a secret for only so long.

He is content not happy and it will be a very long time before happiness fills him but he is doing fine regardless. He came up to me and asked me if he could talk to me and I said “yes” and told him what he confided in me would be confidential and no one would know of what we had spoken. He told me he missed his mother so much and his dad wasn’t really happy but acted like he was and this hurt the boy so much.

I asked him if he was going to see his mother soon and replied “yes” and that they talked all the time but he still wanted to be with her as his parents had divorced and he missed her so much but understood why things happened they way they did. He said his dad was not happy and I asked him how he knew and he said he could tell and he saw his father drift off into thought so many times as if he were dreaming. I asked the boy what happiness meant to him and he told me “love”, happiness is love.

 I asked him to describe love for me and he said “sharing with another person” and I told him his dad shares with everyone and he looked at me as if I were a complete fool. He said you know what I mean and I replied “no, I do not honestly” and he said “people aren’t love by themselves, people need other people to love and to love them.” This boy was so wise for his years and he amazed me with the way he thought and I so enjoyed listening to him and his feelings.

He said his dad was sad because he was lonely and he said his dad needed to find love as the love his parents once had was no longer. He said he felt somewhat abandoned by his mother and I knew that feeling all to well. I told him his mother did not abandon him and she did what she felt was best for him and that is a mother that loved her child. He understood but his heart still ached for the once was and never would be again.

He wanted both of his parents to be happy and I told him that God brings us happiness at the perfect time and if his parents were not happy God would not let that go on for long. I told him adults have to be careful who they let into their worlds when they have children because it is their job to protect their children and he understood, or so he appeared. He told me his dad acted like he always in control and he could tell his father wasn’t and needed a break.

The boy and I walked the fields and I looked at him and I told him he was love on two feet, which made him laugh. His laughter was sweet, pure and so real as a child’s laughter is and I enjoyed listening to him as it was a song to my heart. This boy was unique, he was different and he was gifted in ways unknown to me but I knew he was no ordinary little boy. I told him not to think he was ever abandoned as he was not and never would be.

The boy shed a tear as I told him no one loved him more than his parents and he must hold them close to his heart as they did him. He wanted his parents to be together, be happy and do things as a family again. I told him God would protect him and keep him safe and God would see to it that both his parents found the happiness they needed and he would know when they were really happy, which wouldn’t be to long from now.

He took my hand in his and he told me “he liked me” and I told him he wasn’t to bad either which made him laugh as we walked into the opening and out of the field. I told him life is like the field we just walked through, eventually we work out our problems and God puts an opening in front of us, like he had the two of us. We no longer have to walk through the field as the road is clear and so much easier to walk on.

He told me he thought I was smart and it was my turn to laugh and I told him I may appear to be smart but even I was learning everyday and even I had so much more to learn. He told me he wished I would make his dad happy and I told him only his dad could make himself happy and then and only then could someone else come into his dad’s life and the three of them would be happy. He said he knew that but hoped the happiness would start soon because he wanted a family again.

I awoke from the dream feeling so much for this child as it did not feel like a dream but real life in the making. This child was a product of divorce, which is so damn hard on children but he was so mature for his age and he understood that life has no guarantees but he wanted both of his parents to be happy which showed his maturity. He wanted what so many children want, a family a whole family that can do things together and build memories. 

Colors of My Past

I refuse to let my past color my future and I am learning to accept what was and look beyond it. It isn’t easy to face things that we are embarrassed of or feel guilty for but we must if we are to look forward to what is to come. Giving into pity is like giving in to the snake pit and I do not like snakes and I will never fall into the depths of dispar again. I love and I love deep, when I say I care I mean I really care and when I say I am there for you I really am.

I do not sell myself short but occasionally feel less than I am and I think everyone feels that from time to time. We try to do the “right” thing whatever that is but we do not always succeed and that is ok as mistakes are teachers and all of us need to be taught. I love someone to the depth of my soul and cannot change those emotions and really have no desire to change them even if he doesn’t feel the same way. It will be a damn long time before I let anyone into my heart because my hearts is currently his.

I am a newspaper if only people would read and I am the cup of coffee most shall drink, I give knowledge and I give energy to those that wish to take it and drink from the cup at hand. People are funny as they want others to confide in them yet they chose not to confide, others want to be part of your life but not part of theirs, others will watch you but keep you watching them from a distance, it’s a strange life we live, a very strange life.

I am doing quite a bit of self anylization because I need to understand things of my past so I can be sure not to bring them forth into my future or present day. I am in a cleansing stage which is required for forward movement. Looking back is not easy but is a requirement for me currently and I do not relish the thoughts brought forward of the memories of the past. I am growing and changing everyday in a positive way and that is because I am dealing with things that I have chosen to turn a blind eye to.

I am not a hateful person, quite the contrary as I am very loving in many ways and I am one that will share what I have in my life with others. I so want to help the children of this world because of my past so that is one good thing that has come out of a bad situation. I am working on taking the good from the bad and discarding the rest but I am a work in progress and it takes time, sometimes a long time to do what is necessary.

One day I will be the happiest woman on this earth and I know I will but I pray it is soon because I do get so weak and need someone to lean on and help me get through the troubled times and hopefully we shall go on a journey that teaches us both so much and makes us better people. One day, the love of my life will come to me and put a huge smile on my face and love me for who I am no who he want me to be. 

Isn’t That Odd?

I want to learn so much but have no teacher and the one I wish to teach me doesn’t even know I am waiting with open arms for him. I wish I could talk to him and tell him the ugliness I have been through but I do not want his pity, I do not want him feeling sorry for me or want him to try to put together this shattered vase that I am. He has enough burdens on his shoulder and I refuse to add to his own worries and concerns.

I have said it before and will say it again, I am a strong woman with such a fragile heart and I do not foresee anyone ever really loving me for me and that is a fact. Everyone wants to change their partner and I cannot be changed, you cannot change things of the past as they are what shape us and our future. I have no desire to keep love from coming to me in fact I pray everyday that it will engulf me like an envelope and I will feel safe and secure.

I pray to God everyday to bring the man I love to me but God doesn’t seem to listen and if he is, he must think I need to suffer more first and I do not know what God has planned for me but I do believe it has to be so much better than my past. God must know my good points are fantastic as they really are and how I am always concerned for children and have so much to offer the right man. Why would God keep this man in my life if he had no plans to bring him to me?

I have tried to forget this man but cannot and I have joined dating sites but have not answered but a few emails and have deleted myself from the sites as I find nothing appealing about those on the sites. Am I just stupid? Am I just blind? I wish I could stand before this man and show him who I am and what a good person I truly am but once again I stand before no one. There are open arms here and they are empty and have been for so long.

I am not feeling sorry for myself, no I am not I am just trying to deal with quite a bit of pain that needs to be addressed even though I have tried not to deal with it. People say things to me and they give me advice and I think about it for a while before I choose to act upon it. Life doesn’t come with a seal of guarantee for easiness, love, happiness or committment and we have to take the hand we are dealt and play it the best way we can and that is what I have tried to do.

There is someone that thinks that I think I know it all and I do not but I have so much experience under my belt that I am usually right about things, not always but most of the time. I only want to love and be loved that is it, no frills, no fancy things, nothing beautiful but us and I do not know how to make that happen or even if I can. It appears that I cannot and I am powerless to make love come to me no matter how good of a person I try to be.

I give so much but get so little back and that is just the way my life is, I do not expect anyone to give me a break and no one is there for me but me. I love myself and I get down on myself a lot and I am the toughest person there is on me as no one can hurt me more than I hurt myself and I condemn myself more than anyone else could ever even try to. I do not know why the things that have happened in my life have occurred but I do know that they have made my heart grow instead of shrink, now isn’t that odd? 

No One

My counselor Barbara has encouraged me to write about the pain that I have dealt with in my life starting with the date that ended up in rape and worse. I had met him at a party and I was so naive and innocent in so many ways. He picked me up on a Friday evening and we went out to dinner and then back to his place as he tried to get me drunk and high and I wouldn’t drink enough or smoke enough to get out of my senses.

I remember the night as if it were yesterday as I can still feel him grab me as I tried to leave his apartment. He through me against the door and slapped me hard, very hard and my head bounced off the wall as I slowly slipped to the floor. He grabbed me by my long blonde hair and drug me through the living room into his bedroom and he ripped off my clothes as I tried to fight, which made him mad and he punched me in the face which blackened my to the point it had swollen shut.

He hit me several more times and picked me up and through me on the bed as he climbed on me and forced himself into me which was painful as there was no excitement, just fear. He had sex with me several more times that night before he finally told me to put on my jeans and a shirt of his and he took me home, shoving me out of the car in front of my apartment at 5 a.m. I went up to my apartment and stood under the shower for hours even though  it had turned ice cold.

I climbed into bed and reached for the phone and called off work and cried myself to sleep as I was so embarrassed and humiliated as I knew If I called the cops I would be accused of leading this guy on and it would be my fault. The night played over and over in my mind for months until one day I became very ill and couldn’t keep food down and my boobs were so sore as I recall, I had never been pregnant and was never told about pregnancy so I was clueless until the doctor told me I was pregnant.

The nightmares started again and I could hear him calling me a slut, whore, trash, stupid, useless and more. I had to make the worse decision of my life and I went back and fourth trying to decide what was best for me and the unborn child within my womb. I waited until two days before it would have been to late to terminate the life within me and I finally decided the best thing was termination, and as I walked into the clinic the tears poured out of me like a heavy rain.

It was the worse experience of my life and I ended up with a terrible infection which almost killed me and I still have times I wish I would have died as I killed my own child and that is a heavy burden to lie down. I can remember so clearly the lies I had to tell others at work about the black eye and the humiliation I felt for letting myself get into such a position. I still feel responsible for what happened to me and even though I did not lead him on, I still feel responsible.

Another situation which has bothered me for so long is the verbal abuse and humiliation I put up with from my foreman at work. He insulted me, made fun of me, talked about me like shit and accused me of discriminating against him because he was Mexican. He have me every shitty job there was, scheduled me for overtime even though I wasn’t the lowest seniority and left tampons with ketchup on my work  locker along with the sticker from lighters that says keep away from children.

His humiliation finally led me to break down at work and I ended up in the hospital with a nervous breakdown, I told the psychiatrist I was going to kill my boss because I couldn’t handle the abuse as I was abused terribly as a child and that was put in my file. The file was read by the work doctor and they fired me and I filed a grievance and got my job back but once again I was subjected to more verbal abuse and  the company looked into it and found him guilty and gave me workmen’s comp with no problem and swept it under the rug and he kept his job.

 

Losing my kids is another painful experience and it is my fault as I am the parent and I slapped my son for stealing and lieing and I shouldn’t have laid a hand on him but I had had enough of the lieing and couldn’t control myself for that one moment which lead my children to be taken. Then I ended up in jail for two weeks for doing something I had a legal right to do and my daughter had been returned to me and she was once again taken away.

I have caused so much harm to my children because I did what I felt was right but others think was wrong. I have tried so hard to be honest and loving and I have tried for years to put most of the bad behind me but every time someone lies to me it seems to open up the cut and pour salt in the wound as I begin to relive events that I have tried to bury for so long. I am not unique and I am not special and so many other women have walked the same path as I and we have learned to deny the constant ache in our hearts and move forward.

The man I love doesn’t know how much damage has been done to me and I doubt he would understand as no one can understand but another woman. surprisingly, I am extremely loving and so damn sensitive and I always want others happiness before my own and I believe the past events of my life have quite a bit to do with that. There are so many times when I feel useless, stupid, like trash ect. and it has everything to do with the way I was raised and the rape.

Some things you just never get over, you just move on from that ugly place and pray for love and hugs and that is exactly what I have tried to do. My past makes me ultra sensitive to children and their needs and it makes me see children in a different light than most adults. I know what hurts children and what they are seeking from adults because I was once a damaged child but have grown into a wounded adult.  I have more love to give a child than most parents could even think of because of my past.

I do not believe this man will ever come to me even though we should be together, need to be together but maybe that is all in my mind. I have come to the conclusion that I have come to believe that if I focus hard enough and belief it to be true it will be true and I am referring to him and I being together. I really need to look at life realistically and accept what is before me, no one.