Colors of My Past

I refuse to let my past color my future and I am learning to accept what was and look beyond it. It isn’t easy to face things that we are embarrassed of or feel guilty for but we must if we are to look forward to what is to come. Giving into pity is like giving in to the snake pit and I do not like snakes and I will never fall into the depths of dispar again. I love and I love deep, when I say I care I mean I really care and when I say I am there for you I really am.

I do not sell myself short but occasionally feel less than I am and I think everyone feels that from time to time. We try to do the “right” thing whatever that is but we do not always succeed and that is ok as mistakes are teachers and all of us need to be taught. I love someone to the depth of my soul and cannot change those emotions and really have no desire to change them even if he doesn’t feel the same way. It will be a damn long time before I let anyone into my heart because my hearts is currently his.

I am a newspaper if only people would read and I am the cup of coffee most shall drink, I give knowledge and I give energy to those that wish to take it and drink from the cup at hand. People are funny as they want others to confide in them yet they chose not to confide, others want to be part of your life but not part of theirs, others will watch you but keep you watching them from a distance, it’s a strange life we live, a very strange life.

I am doing quite a bit of self anylization because I need to understand things of my past so I can be sure not to bring them forth into my future or present day. I am in a cleansing stage which is required for forward movement. Looking back is not easy but is a requirement for me currently and I do not relish the thoughts brought forward of the memories of the past. I am growing and changing everyday in a positive way and that is because I am dealing with things that I have chosen to turn a blind eye to.

I am not a hateful person, quite the contrary as I am very loving in many ways and I am one that will share what I have in my life with others. I so want to help the children of this world because of my past so that is one good thing that has come out of a bad situation. I am working on taking the good from the bad and discarding the rest but I am a work in progress and it takes time, sometimes a long time to do what is necessary.

One day I will be the happiest woman on this earth and I know I will but I pray it is soon because I do get so weak and need someone to lean on and help me get through the troubled times and hopefully we shall go on a journey that teaches us both so much and makes us better people. One day, the love of my life will come to me and put a huge smile on my face and love me for who I am no who he want me to be. 

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