I want to learn so much but have no teacher and the one I wish to teach me doesn’t even know I am waiting with open arms for him. I wish I could talk to him and tell him the ugliness I have been through but I do not want his pity, I do not want him feeling sorry for me or want him to try to put together this shattered vase that I am. He has enough burdens on his shoulder and I refuse to add to his own worries and concerns.
I have said it before and will say it again, I am a strong woman with such a fragile heart and I do not foresee anyone ever really loving me for me and that is a fact. Everyone wants to change their partner and I cannot be changed, you cannot change things of the past as they are what shape us and our future. I have no desire to keep love from coming to me in fact I pray everyday that it will engulf me like an envelope and I will feel safe and secure.
I pray to God everyday to bring the man I love to me but God doesn’t seem to listen and if he is, he must think I need to suffer more first and I do not know what God has planned for me but I do believe it has to be so much better than my past. God must know my good points are fantastic as they really are and how I am always concerned for children and have so much to offer the right man. Why would God keep this man in my life if he had no plans to bring him to me?
I have tried to forget this man but cannot and I have joined dating sites but have not answered but a few emails and have deleted myself from the sites as I find nothing appealing about those on the sites. Am I just stupid? Am I just blind? I wish I could stand before this man and show him who I am and what a good person I truly am but once again I stand before no one. There are open arms here and they are empty and have been for so long.
I am not feeling sorry for myself, no I am not I am just trying to deal with quite a bit of pain that needs to be addressed even though I have tried not to deal with it. People say things to me and they give me advice and I think about it for a while before I choose to act upon it. Life doesn’t come with a seal of guarantee for easiness, love, happiness or committment and we have to take the hand we are dealt and play it the best way we can and that is what I have tried to do.
There is someone that thinks that I think I know it all and I do not but I have so much experience under my belt that I am usually right about things, not always but most of the time. I only want to love and be loved that is it, no frills, no fancy things, nothing beautiful but us and I do not know how to make that happen or even if I can. It appears that I cannot and I am powerless to make love come to me no matter how good of a person I try to be.
I give so much but get so little back and that is just the way my life is, I do not expect anyone to give me a break and no one is there for me but me. I love myself and I get down on myself a lot and I am the toughest person there is on me as no one can hurt me more than I hurt myself and I condemn myself more than anyone else could ever even try to. I do not know why the things that have happened in my life have occurred but I do know that they have made my heart grow instead of shrink, now isn’t that odd?