No One

My counselor Barbara has encouraged me to write about the pain that I have dealt with in my life starting with the date that ended up in rape and worse. I had met him at a party and I was so naive and innocent in so many ways. He picked me up on a Friday evening and we went out to dinner and then back to his place as he tried to get me drunk and high and I wouldn’t drink enough or smoke enough to get out of my senses.

I remember the night as if it were yesterday as I can still feel him grab me as I tried to leave his apartment. He through me against the door and slapped me hard, very hard and my head bounced off the wall as I slowly slipped to the floor. He grabbed me by my long blonde hair and drug me through the living room into his bedroom and he ripped off my clothes as I tried to fight, which made him mad and he punched me in the face which blackened my to the point it had swollen shut.

He hit me several more times and picked me up and through me on the bed as he climbed on me and forced himself into me which was painful as there was no excitement, just fear. He had sex with me several more times that night before he finally told me to put on my jeans and a shirt of his and he took me home, shoving me out of the car in front of my apartment at 5 a.m. I went up to my apartment and stood under the shower for hours even though  it had turned ice cold.

I climbed into bed and reached for the phone and called off work and cried myself to sleep as I was so embarrassed and humiliated as I knew If I called the cops I would be accused of leading this guy on and it would be my fault. The night played over and over in my mind for months until one day I became very ill and couldn’t keep food down and my boobs were so sore as I recall, I had never been pregnant and was never told about pregnancy so I was clueless until the doctor told me I was pregnant.

The nightmares started again and I could hear him calling me a slut, whore, trash, stupid, useless and more. I had to make the worse decision of my life and I went back and fourth trying to decide what was best for me and the unborn child within my womb. I waited until two days before it would have been to late to terminate the life within me and I finally decided the best thing was termination, and as I walked into the clinic the tears poured out of me like a heavy rain.

It was the worse experience of my life and I ended up with a terrible infection which almost killed me and I still have times I wish I would have died as I killed my own child and that is a heavy burden to lie down. I can remember so clearly the lies I had to tell others at work about the black eye and the humiliation I felt for letting myself get into such a position. I still feel responsible for what happened to me and even though I did not lead him on, I still feel responsible.

Another situation which has bothered me for so long is the verbal abuse and humiliation I put up with from my foreman at work. He insulted me, made fun of me, talked about me like shit and accused me of discriminating against him because he was Mexican. He have me every shitty job there was, scheduled me for overtime even though I wasn’t the lowest seniority and left tampons with ketchup on my work  locker along with the sticker from lighters that says keep away from children.

His humiliation finally led me to break down at work and I ended up in the hospital with a nervous breakdown, I told the psychiatrist I was going to kill my boss because I couldn’t handle the abuse as I was abused terribly as a child and that was put in my file. The file was read by the work doctor and they fired me and I filed a grievance and got my job back but once again I was subjected to more verbal abuse and  the company looked into it and found him guilty and gave me workmen’s comp with no problem and swept it under the rug and he kept his job.

 

Losing my kids is another painful experience and it is my fault as I am the parent and I slapped my son for stealing and lieing and I shouldn’t have laid a hand on him but I had had enough of the lieing and couldn’t control myself for that one moment which lead my children to be taken. Then I ended up in jail for two weeks for doing something I had a legal right to do and my daughter had been returned to me and she was once again taken away.

I have caused so much harm to my children because I did what I felt was right but others think was wrong. I have tried so hard to be honest and loving and I have tried for years to put most of the bad behind me but every time someone lies to me it seems to open up the cut and pour salt in the wound as I begin to relive events that I have tried to bury for so long. I am not unique and I am not special and so many other women have walked the same path as I and we have learned to deny the constant ache in our hearts and move forward.

The man I love doesn’t know how much damage has been done to me and I doubt he would understand as no one can understand but another woman. surprisingly, I am extremely loving and so damn sensitive and I always want others happiness before my own and I believe the past events of my life have quite a bit to do with that. There are so many times when I feel useless, stupid, like trash ect. and it has everything to do with the way I was raised and the rape.

Some things you just never get over, you just move on from that ugly place and pray for love and hugs and that is exactly what I have tried to do. My past makes me ultra sensitive to children and their needs and it makes me see children in a different light than most adults. I know what hurts children and what they are seeking from adults because I was once a damaged child but have grown into a wounded adult.  I have more love to give a child than most parents could even think of because of my past.

I do not believe this man will ever come to me even though we should be together, need to be together but maybe that is all in my mind. I have come to the conclusion that I have come to believe that if I focus hard enough and belief it to be true it will be true and I am referring to him and I being together. I really need to look at life realistically and accept what is before me, no one. 

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