He must think I will sit and wait forever for him but what he doesn’t realize is I do not have to look as God provides what is needed and when. I tried the looking game it it doesn’t work for me but like I said I do not have to look as they come willingly to me. I have quite a few choices of men if I so choose but have chosen not to bite. Maybe I will start to nibble because I am starting to accept that he doesn’t want me for me but for the green.
To bad he won’t be around in the next two years to see what I have planted come to bear fruit, many fruit in fact. I do not need to sit and wait for someone to dangle marriage in front of my face, no I do not and dangling marriage in front of me doesn’t mean a damn thing to me and never will. I have secrets, yes I have my own secrets that I do not tell even you, dearest diary and they are not typed but hand written and hidden from all eyes but my own.
It hurts, in fact it hurts so damn much to know I am nothing but money to another but some truths you cannot reject but must accept, even when it rips your heart out as it has done to mine. It’s time for me to make a move that I have not wanted to do but have no choice at this point if I choose to survive and I choose survival. By the time anyone realizes I have made the move it will have been done and no one can stop me, no I am not talking about suicide nothing that drastic and out of control. Something I should have done long ago and finally going to do and I wait for no one as I walk forward and do what I should have done long ago.
Yes, it sounds so mysterious doesn’t it? It isn’t though and in fact it’s quite a fundamental move for most people but I can tell you this, I will no longer have empty arms and cry at night out of loneliness. Those days are going to be behind me as I will waste not another minute of my life watching it pass me by as I do not have to and have chosen not to. What is so funny is I have said over and over I want him out of my life but really, how can you have someone out of your life when they aren’t in it and never are they going to be? LOL
I am no fool but have been a fool for way to long in my past but with counseling I am seeing my worth and starting to value myself as I should. There is no longer a doormat on my back and I no longer stick my face out to be slapped. I can no longer cry over what I thought should be but instead focus on me and what is and keep heading in the chosen direction. I am going on a vacation next month that is a given and I can tell you I will not be traveling alone as I do not have to and my son, well he is going to have to wait because I need to feel like a woman again.
I will feel like a woman, act like a lady and enjoy the hell out of myself with one that enjoys my company and enjoys me as a person. I can get sex anywhere at anytime just like a man can so sex is the least of my worries, in fact it isn’t a worry at all. I’m doing something I should have done long ago for myself but I wasn’t strong enough mentally, well the strength is building day by day and I am a force to be reckoned with and I know it.
Men love me because of me and I can have whom ever I choose if I so choose, I am not conceited I just love men and know how to treat them and everyone likes to be treated a certain way. People are simple to figure out if you take the time to listen to them and I could play anyone at anytime if I chose but I am not like that and do not get a kick out of playing people. I am finding my move to be so enticing that I wish I would have made it sooner but time isn’t waiting for me and God is making the world move faster for me these days.