These Days

He must think I will sit and wait forever for him but what he doesn’t realize is I do not have to look as God provides what is needed and when. I tried the looking game it it doesn’t work for me but like I said I do not have to look as they come willingly to me. I have quite a few choices of men if I so choose but have chosen not to bite. Maybe I will start to nibble because I am starting to accept that he doesn’t want me for me but for the green.

To bad he won’t be around in the next two years to see what I have planted come to bear fruit, many fruit in fact. I do not need to sit and wait for someone to dangle marriage in front of my face, no I do not and dangling marriage in front of me doesn’t mean a damn thing to me and never will. I have secrets, yes I have my own secrets that I do not tell even you, dearest diary and they are not typed but hand written and hidden from all eyes but my own.

It hurts, in fact it hurts so damn much to know I am nothing but money to another but some truths you cannot reject but must accept, even when it rips your heart out as it has done to mine. It’s time for me to make a move that I have not wanted to do but have no choice at this point if I choose to survive and I choose survival. By the time anyone realizes I have made the move it will have been done and no one can stop me, no I am not talking about suicide nothing that drastic and out of control. Something I should have done long ago and finally going to do and I wait for no one as I walk forward and do what I should have done long ago.

Yes, it sounds so mysterious doesn’t it? It isn’t though and in fact it’s quite a fundamental move for most people but I can tell you this, I will no longer have empty arms and cry at night out of loneliness. Those days are going to be behind me as I will waste not another minute of my life watching it pass me by as I do not have to and have chosen not to. What is so funny is I have said over and over I want him out of my life but really, how can you have someone out of your life when they aren’t in it and never are they going to be? LOL

I am no fool but have been a fool for way to long in my past but with counseling I am seeing my worth and starting to value myself as I should. There is no longer a doormat on my back and I no longer stick my face out to be slapped. I can no longer cry over what I thought should be but instead focus on me and what is and keep heading in the chosen direction. I am going on a vacation next month that is a given and I can tell you I will not be traveling alone as I do not have to and my son, well he is going to have to wait because I need to feel like a woman again.

I will feel like a woman, act like a lady and enjoy the hell out of myself with one that enjoys my company and enjoys me as a person. I can get sex anywhere at anytime just like a man can so sex is the least of my worries, in fact it isn’t a worry at all. I’m doing something I should have done long ago for myself but I wasn’t strong enough mentally, well the strength is building day by day and I am a force to be reckoned with and I know it.

Men love me because of me and I can have whom ever I choose if I so choose, I am not conceited I just love men and know how to treat them and everyone likes to be treated a certain way. People are simple to figure out if you take the time to listen to them and I could play anyone at anytime if I chose but I am not like that and do not get a kick out of playing people. I am finding my move to be so enticing that I wish I would have made it sooner but time isn’t waiting for me and God is making the world move faster for me these days. 

To Be

As I put the mystery flavored dum dum sucker in my mouth I think of my life as a mystery and when I will solve it if ever. Will I ever regain my self esteem and not let people use me? Will I ever be able to see the users and liars from those that are honest and trustworthy? I can see through some people but others I forget myself and fall right into their traps. I don’t fall for the marriage line as I can live without being married and no one but no one can can manipulate with it.

I am not so lame and useless that I need a marriage to make me feel whole, no one can make me feel whole but myself and I know that now. I can only be used if I let people use me and even though I may appear to be desperate for love from this man, I am not and never will be. God will bring me what and who I need at the right time and not before and I leave that in God’s hands, not mans. I refuse to fall victim to his lies and as far as the other women, well no amount of sex or women will make this man a better man.

People must want to change for the better to better and when they continue to go down the wrong path, well life has a way of paying them back all in good time. Why can he not be happy with what is coming his way? Can he not wait for the brass ring and is in such a hurry he is passing what he chooses not to see? It’s a shame he thinks so little of me because that says he thinks even less of himself and that is a crying shame, it really is.

He could be so much more if he chose to be but he hasn’t evolved enough into the man he is suppose to be but maybe in time. The right woman could help him see himself as he is but he choses wrong women and they give him the wrong thing that he really needs. If he chooses to be a loser the rest of his life that is his choice not mine and I cannot guide him as he is blind to the good person I am and chooses to put me in the category with the other women, which is wrong so damn wrong. 

Maybe he thinks if he ignores me until he needs me financially I will find someone else that is so much better than him. What he doesn’t realize is I am not a looker and I will never look for the “right” man for me as he will come into my life at the right time without me looking. I don’t find the interest in men to be a priority or even on my list as my two kids fill up my list and that is just the way it is and that is the way it is meant to be. 

 

Paved With Lies

There are some things one cannot deal with alone and molestation and rape are among those things. I told Barbara about them because they are part of me and has shaped the person I am, she asked me why I never told anyone and the answer was simple, I was afraid, yes afraid to tell my mother as I thought she would blame me and say it was all my fault and then when the family got together she would bring it up and humiliate me as she so enjoyed doing.

When I was raped I never told her either even though I was older and on my own I didn’t trust her and she never knew about the abortion but I did talk to my aunt Margie about it. I could not hold back the pain I felt in my heart and she assured me I had made the right choice and she numbered off the reasons I had, but still in my heart I do not know if I had made the right choice and do not know if I ever will. My mother could never be trusted with anything as she always used it against you to embarrass you in front of friends and family as if she didn’t want anyone to love us.

I have learned that a rape victim becomes promiscuous over time and feels worthless except for sex, sex is the only thing we feel that we have to offer. I know most people cannot understand that but I understand all to well. I am not promiscuous but I do write erotic stories and that is tied to the rape as well. It is the only time I feel worthy and that is wrong and is also sad as I should feel worthy all the time because I am worthy but have never been shown the love I need to feel it inside.

The only time I ever here from the one I love is when he is in need of money and today was no exception. He said the marriage words but they came out hollow as I knew money was going to be brought up. He makes me feel useless except for financial and that isn’t right and it isn’t good for me as I and probably a hundred other women feel the same way. I am not special to him, no just another fish he has caught and takes what he wants.

I have no extra money for me let alone him but he doesn’t care, he doesn’t care he is hurting me by using me and I know I am a nothing to him and he replaced me long ago in his heart of hearts. He won’t come to me because he has someone else but keeps me hanging on as his financial backup, which is not going to happen. No longer will I put myself second behind an unknown face with a smooth voice, no longer will I do without for him.

He doesn’t know me, he really doesn’t and nor does he really care and certainly doesn’t love me, how could he? He does what he does but he must feel remorse, or does he? Does he care about anyone but himself? Why does he think it’s ok to hurt me and use me? Does he think so little of me that he doesn’t care? I believe that is the answer in a nut shell and I am to damn stupid to see the signs that are lined up on the road paved with lies. 

July Horoscope

Well another month behind us and we are moving forward, I always look at the kids horoscopes especially Ry’s and mine:

Scorpio Horoscope for July2012 – Diana Garland       Aquarius Horoscope for July2012 – Diana Garland

A Thousand Bears

He came to me in the night again, the third night in a row this precious little boy and he climbed up on my bed and I asked him if he wanted to hear a story, his eyes lit up and he said yes. I told him a story about a little boy that went treasure hunting during the day and was in the woods when nightfall came. He could not find his way out of the woods and he was hungry and scared as well as dirty, which was to be expected. The boy found a stream and drank from it and washed his face and hands as he had been taught. 

He kept walking trying to find his way out but could not as it got darker and darker. He sat next to a tree and started to cry, he felt something on his leg and as he looked up he was surprised to see a little bear. The little bear asked him why he was crying and the boy said, “I am lost and I miss my home” the bear said if you listen for the thousand bears they will guide you home and the little boy asked “who is the thousand bears?” you don’t know of the thousand bears asked the little bear and the boy replied “no”.

The thousand bears are the voice of your worried parents and the thousand bears are your protectors and will guide you home. The little bear said “come walk with me”  and they walked hand in hand talking until the boy began to laugh. They talked of things boys talk of and all of a sudden they could hear voices and the little bear said “listen, that is the sound of the thousand bears, follow it and you will find your way home”, but you must come with me the little cried and the little bear said “I cannot, if I leave who will guide the other lost children to the thousand bears?” The little bear said go now and if you are ever lost again call my name, my name is Gabriel.

The little boy walked towards the voices of the thousand bears and he finally reached the clearing, he saw a thousand bears of every shape and color and they lead him to his home and disappeared. The little boy ran in the house and hugged his mother and father as they cried and he told them the story of the thousand bears and they just laughed.

The little boy next to me told me he liked the story and he liked me and minded if he could come to me again and I told him anytime he liked he could visit me and we could read stories and I could tell him more stories. This little was just perfect, the perfect age and he was so sweet that I wanted him to visit me every night in my dreams. I used to dream of the man I love but this little boy took over and I could not help myself as I love kids.

Dealing

I love someone very much and I have been honest about my illness but I do not think he has taken the time to understand it. My son has the same exact illness and even though I have said I would marry this man in a second I know I would not as I fear for my child. I cannot let just anyone around us because of our illness and I will not let anyone pretend they love me and use my child to get to me as so many do. I have to be so damn careful and I love this man but if I had to chose, it would be my son over him.

My son needs me this man does not and I need to protect my son and always will, men want to be number one but you cannot have a disabled child and put anyone number one but that child. Most refuse to accept this and they become jealous and insecure which is childish but it is the way it is. I do not have time for games and I can see right through them and I have no desire to bring a man into my life without the acceptance of my children.

My children do not run my life but I respect them enough and love them enough to want to rebuild a family, a loving family. I am not desperate nor in any hurry to bring a man into my life because I will not compromise my children for my own happiness, I just cannot do that. There are few people that understand the importance of caring for a disabled child nor do they understand how time consuming it is, I am fortunate as there are so many children so worse off than I and my son.

It is draining at times and I have been in no hurry to meet any local men because of my son and the fear that I have. I do not want to get involved and find out later that the man will not accept my children or my son specifically. My son is a part of me so to love me is to love my son and I know I will be hard pressed to find anyone that will be good to him. I want to go on a vacation and I need a vacation so bad but I think my son and I need a vacation more and I am not that selfish. Sometimes I need to be selfish because I need to recharge myself and by doing that I have a clear mind and can deal with life better. 

Fly Straight

I remember as a child my brother used to rock himself to sleep and he was finally diagnosed with autism but they didn’t call it that back then and he didn’t get the proper care he needed. My mother was a nurse yet did not understand that her son had a disability. She would beat us black and blue and she hated my brother and I do not use the word “hate” lightly as my brother looked just like my dad and that infuriated my mother.

She never took the time to understand her son or get him proper medical care that he needed, he was in special ed classes but back then things were so different and misunderstood. My brother was fortunate as he had a “mild” case of autism but never the less his life was pure hell and I always felt so sorry for him. Him and I got along like peas and carrots and we spent hours together playing but my sister never would play with us as we were not good enough for her.

My brother and I had our own language that no one else could hear but us, my brother later became paranoid schizophrenic and he got really bad, so bad I had to petition the courts to have him committed to a mental institution. Michigan  no longer  has mental hospitals available as the state closed them all. He was quite a drive a way but I went to visit him every week and I would take pizza because he loved it so. My brother was sweet, kind, loving and we loved each other so much and we were all we had as my mother left Michigan the day my brother turned eighteen and no longer received child support.

She did by my mother shit but that is not what he needed, he needed her love but it was never forthcoming. She will never know what she missed out on as my brother was a fine young man with difficulties but she didn’t care for any of her kids but my sister. She was the only one that didn’t cause her trouble and my brother and I were her “problem children” but she also has a problem, several in fact and I cannot forgive her for what she did to my brother or myself.

Beating children does nothing for them but build resentment, anger and a whole lot of hate and that stays with them for a very long time. I have been fortunate enough to release a lot of mine and medication helps me deal with what is left over, which isn’t much thank God. You can tell when my meds aren’t working properly as I have anger come out on a regular basis. I am like anyone else, I get overwhelmed and need to walk away and be by myself and reevalute what I am feeling and why.

I slapped my son one time in fifteen years and I still regret it and feel so damn guilty and I can tell you it will never happen again as it hurts me to this day. Hitting children doesn’t help in fact it makes things worse and I never hit my children when they were small, spanking yes hitting no never as I refuse to have my children be raised in the same environment that I was raised in. That is the beauty of life as we either raise our children the way we were raised or we raise them completely opposite, which I have chosen to do.

I had a friend and her son had autism really bad and she would slap him and beat him and that ended our friendship as I called child services because this child could not verbalize his pain and she was out of control. I watched her one time and then I stepped in and stopped her and that pissed her off as she felt I was telling her how to raise her child, I was not telling her but I refused to watch this five year old child be abused. I seem to have been surrounded by disabled children my entire life on and off.

I don’t care if a child is “normal” or has disabilites as the children of the world are gifts and we should cherish what they bring into our lives. No parent is perfect and every parent needs to walk away once in awhile, which is not wrong but leads us to feel guilty. Guilt is our own discipline put on ourselves for the things we feel we have done wrong and guilt helps us straighten our act up and fly straight. 

Every Turn

The world is a very cruel place as people are ignorant and mean and I have dealt with this first hand. Mental illness is not seen so people do not know how to deal with others who may have it, if it bled then people would see how much pain it causes the person with it and they would be understanding. I deal with it as an adult and finally have it under control after so damn long of suffering due to the lack of proper medicine.

My son has the same disorder as I do and I watched him have difficulty since he was four but trying to diagnose it that young is not easily done and not done at all actually. When you have a child with a disability it gets frustrating when you try to get them the help they need. “Normal” children say and do mean things and it isn’t fair but it is the way of life and I thank God every day that my son finally has the medication he needs to be happy.

He has changed so much and he finally acts “normal” the real Ry is finally coming out and I weep when I see him so happy. He is so loving and is laughing now, he loves children and being with Katie has really exposed him to the annoyances of young children as all of her kids are just beginning school. Ryan tells me about the kids and how he enjoys them even when they are annoying which is something for him.

He has patience for the young ones and he plays with them all the time, which makes me feel good because that is the real Ry, warm, loving and caring. Katie has three little boys which are cute as buttons and they have come to love Ry which makes me happy. Ryan is good for them and he is a great role model now that he is on meds as he is happy and when he is happy the world is happy around him as he is so giving and loving.

I wish he had a little brother because Ry thrives around children and he wants to help children like himself and me. We understand each other because both of us have suffered from the illness and both of us are healing as we take our meds and see our doctors and therapists as required. There is no stronger bond than a mother and a son and even a disability cannot change that and never will between Ry and myself.

Children with disabilities require a shitload of patience and understanding and yes you do get overwhelmed at times and yes you do have to walk away sometimes and that is to be expected. It is not easy to deal with the problems that come with the illness but you learn over time the best way to deal with each episode that presents itself. I have so much empathy for children with disabilities because they are so innocent and do not understand why they do not have friends, people are so mean, why they cannot live a normal life.

I have watched Jenny McCarthy on tv talking about her son who has autism and I believe that autism is caused by man and the childhood vaccines that we have produced. She talks of diet and I believe that as well, the diet can change many things and that is why I like gardening as I do not use pesticides or any other growth products as natural food is the way food should be kept but man is in need of money so he grows things twice as big.

Man gives animals growth hormones so they get bigger faster and then killed and marketed so money flows into their pockets. That is another reason money is not important to me as it has turned man into a greedy, selfish bastard. Man no longer cares about the disabled children of the world and man will turn a blind eye instead of helping them and giving to a good cause for them. People are so damn selfish and self absorbed it makes me ill to be around such people and I avoid them and there all consuming wants.

The children as well as the adults in need are treated poorly or not treated at all as our own government does not offer any aid what so ever to the ill children. My son gets disability income because of me and then his father’s disability and every child that is disabled gets social security income from the government. If you have worked  then your child is entitled to disability benefits which is fine but the cost of caring for a disabled child is expensive  and it’s expense is not measured in dollars.

I have been around many disabled children and my heart goes out to them and I wish I could heal them but I cannot, I recently sold a bedroom outfit to a couple with a downs syndrome little girl and I was so happy the bedroom outfit when to them as that little girl was so excited to be getting a new bedroom outfit. She couldn’t speak as we know it but she had her own language and we sat together and watched tv as her parents moved the furniture.

She was so sweet and even though I could not understand her, her parents could and that is not uncommon as I learned when my daughter broke her jaw. No one could understand her including her father but I  knew what she wanted and she would get so frustrated and cry when I had a difficult time understanding what she wanted. Each disabled child has their own language and if you listen close enough and watch them you become to understand what they need or want.

Anyone that is mean to a disabled child needs to be slapped because I cannot tolerate that behavior from anyone as I know what pain a disability can cause. When you are disabled you are locked in your own prison without windows, no one can see in and they have no idea the pain that you carry inside and few make any attempt to understand you at all. You are locked in your own personal hell and people do not want to be around you let alone deal with you.

Dabilities are so damn hard to live with but there are people like myself that understand and take the time to learn as much as possible so we can help not only ourselves but our children. I am forever reading and learning more about my personal disability and knowledge is power and power is strength to help me help myself and my child. Parents with disabled children do extraordinary things to help their children and they are the ones that are able to learn and grow with their child.

The love that comes from such an adversity is unique and special and is not like the love you have for your “normal” child, this is not to say you love less but differently and the love grows deeper and stronger every day as you feel protective of your child as you well should be. I have no problem having a disabled child because they are the true flowers of the world as they grow and blossom every single day with new personality traits coming out at every turn. 

Shouln’t It?

You cannot keep alive what God has chosen to die and we must accept that and not question why. God knows what each and everyone of us needs in our lives and he brings that to us at the right time. I am an impatient creature and what what I want when I want it but life doesn’t work that way and I am learning to be patient day by day. I am learning not to question delays as they are not road blocks but certainly meant to be.

I cannot make things in  my life move faster even though I wish I could but if I could then what was meant to be would no longer happen. I am not magic and I am not able to have everything I would like, which is just fine as it wasn’t meant for me obviously. I will not give up on my dreams nor turn my back and deny what I am meant to see and to live with even if the road is rough to travel as it has been for so long. I know the road will smooth out as it always does.

Things are quiet now and moving along nicely as far as I can tell and I am good with that, at least for now. I have decided not to sell my home but to stay put until my son graduates from high school. It seems to be the best decision as the kids have lived her as long as they can remember and even though I am cleaning house and eliminating unwanted thing, the house has not changed and I do not know if this is the right thing to do or not.

I cannot bounce these thoughts off the man I love as he is so busy and does not have time for me right now. You cannot expect people to be there for you twenty four seven as they have their own lifes agenda to attend to and they have their own unique set of problems. His world is turning into the beauty he wants and he will once again be over flowing with his dreams coming true and that makes me happy for him. I am always happy for him when life turns to good for him and that is the way it should, shouldn’t it? 

Will Never Die

The poem below is so beautiful I just had to share it: 

 

“The Unborn Love” The lady whom I’ve never seen The lady to whom I’ve never talked The lady about whom I know nothing Has made a place in the soft corner of my heart. It always pines for her though I never saw her My heart echoed for her though it never listened of her, It always beats for her although I am unaware of her. I am in love with such a sweet lady whom I’ve never seen nor dreamed. I am in love with such a sweet lady whom I never talked nor whispered I am unaware of the fact how she entered in my life but it’s true. The unborn love of mine will never die, It is growing under the tender sheds of yours unseen presence. It pines for you to see you and sparks off to listen you. Only god knows the day when we will meet He will decide our fate But I have no patience’s to wait. The unborn love of mine seems to vanish me The love to you will either boost or perish me The loneliness of my life make me more to fell in the well of yours love. It has no other way other than you It just pines for you Though I’ve never seen or dreamed of you. It is the love which never perishes And the love which I have towards you will never end Though one day my life will have end But my love to you being unborn will never die. – Navneet Singh Chauhan.