So EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s time for this ole girl to take a vacation as I have worked so damn hard for so long that I need a breather, a rest of the mind and body. I will find out next week if the funds will be available and as soon as they are I am planning a trip to Turks and I am going to sleep, walk on the beach, rest, rest, rest and make love to the man who I love, that son of a bitch. One minute he is black then the next white, one minute I am the fish, the next he wants me as his wife.

He is either unsure of what he wants or he is a very confused person and I have no clue which it is but I do not that he is not happy, not really happy inside. He hides his pain from everybody and talks to no one of his hidden feelings, he is mouthy at times and needs to watch what he says especially with Mercury going retrograde as communication is misunderstood and people get angry and upset when you do not need them to. He is moving on up but not fast enough for himself as he does everything fast and he never slows down and he better before he kills himself.

We will see how serious he really is about me if he shows up at the Turks with his birth certificate but I seriously doubt he is that serious. We’ve talked for three years and I believe I know him well enough to have a committed relationship with him but can he say the same thing, I have no idea. I know one thing for sure is I am looking forward to going to sleep with him and waking up next to him, walking on the beach hand in hand and talking getting to know each other.

The chemistry is already there I do know that and I am so looking forward to having conversations with someone who is intelligent for a change. I get so damn tired of talking to people whohave nothing to really say and they bore me to no end. I am not some genius but I am intelligent enough to know more than one subject and it has been so damn boring for the last year and one half for me as I have had no one to talk to in person.

I need this vacation so damn bad I cannot wait for the day the plane leaves, damn I am so EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!


Happy With ME

The rule of thumb is never let your boyfriend insult your mother because that pisses her off and when mom is pissed, boyfriend is no longer welcome. Shelby must have said something to Leo as he called and left me a voicemail saying how sorry he was. Sorry doesn’t cut it any longer as he has said the words to many times. Barbara tried to get Leo into anger management but he doesn’t feel he needs it as most kids do not feel they need counseling.

He has been with my daughter on a carnal level and I know it and expected it but I really do not want to know of this as the thought of his hands on my baby bothers me, bothers me a lot in fact even though it is normal. He is in no way good enough for her and that is what bothers me and the way he spoke to me, he will speak to her that way one day and then I am going to have to open up a can of woop ass on him and he doesn’t want that to happen.

Tough love is not something I am used to having to do but if she decides to stay at Leo’s then I have no choice but to cut her out of my life until she wakes up. I do not believe she wants to be there permanently as home is always home and even though we are dysfunctional like the rest of the world, she prefers home. I am going to take the kids to Cedar Point next month before school starts but Leo is not welcome and Shelby can ask Alex as she is so smart like Shelby and they are best buds.

Ryan doesn’t like roller coasters so him and I will hang at the water park and enjoy ourselves as we are the water babies of the family. I like spending time with just Ryan as we get along so well and he makes me laugh. He is funny and smart and that is a great combination and with his new meds he is making friends wish I am so damn happy about. This illness is hard to deal with and trying to find the right “cocktail” of meds takes time but when you do life is good, very good indeed.

Both of us are doing great finally and it is such a relieve to feel good and laugh again, the anger is no longer there and yes I do get pissed but not like before. I have finally accepted the fact that the man of my heart doesn’t love me and never will. That was a huge pill to swallow and took along time to get down but I finally have. I do not feel that I have wasted time as I never feel that when it comes to people. We learn from everyone even if what we learn we do not like.

He will never find another woman like me and that is a fact as God made me a rare gem, different from the rest for some reason that I do not know of. Loving someone has taken quite a bit out of me as that emotion has been dormant for so very long. I am able to handle my great disappointment and sadness like a trooper and I know things will change one day for me when I least expect it, as that is the way life works.

He will find his happiness in some bimbo and fall in love with what he thinks is his new perfect mate only to find she is a huge user and loser down the road but I have no interest in saving him from himself. I am letting go and watching him float upon the waves into the sea of life as he should be. He doesn’t even know that I exist let alone that I am gone and his heart will never miss me anyway as that is the final line of the song.

Barbara is helping see things in my life for what they are and even though I have been slipping back, she keeps pulling me forward and that makes me feel good. She is helping me to feel good about who I am and my worth. You can either choose to drown or you can swim and I want to be an olympic swimmer one day and I will be as long as I keep my focus on me and I will no longer focus on him and his desires but myself as I should be.

If only he knew, yes if only he knew that the person I am is not a run of the mill kind and the person I am to be isn’t either and I could take him to paradise but he thinks he always has paradise and I cannot change his mind nor will I try. He has the ability to be what ever he chose to be and he doesn’t realize I am the one that should be standing next to him in his hour of need. I cannot be anymore than I am and I am finally fucking happy with me! 

Old Shoe

I no longer

Know what to do

But you will no

Longer wear me

Like an old shoe

 

I have been comfortable

I have been easy

But I am never going to be a whore

Or one of those sleazies

It’s time to let go of

My silly dreams

Of you and I as one

Will never be

 

I will always wish you the best

But I cannot

Past your test

She will be so

Much better for you

Than someone like me

 The old shoe 

For Me

I have let go of many things in my life and people as well but I ran into a road block for awhile and couldn’t let go of someone who had absolutely not a single ounce of respect or love for me. I have finally, yes finally put all the pieces in place and the picture isn’t pretty but one must accept what is before their eyes and no longer what they hear. Things can get tough, really tough and when you have to deal with it all by yourself you begin to see life so much more clearly and the people in it.

It isn’t a surprise what colors the picture is painted, no the colors say it all, screaming out their truth as easily as a person with a megaphone. The deeper in love you let yourself fall the less likely you are to see them in their true light. I am thankful that the beacon is shining brightly for me finally and today it really shined for me. I saw someone as his true self is and now it is time to push that boat out to sea as I stand on the beach and watch it sail.

You can never make anyone love you and you surely cannot make them come to you. People come and go all day long and it’s time, yes it is time for me to face life without leaning on someone who is never there and is never going to be. I am doing to much hard work on myself to let anyone destroy the progress I have made and as far as love, well it’s just an emotional that I will have to do without, at least for now. I do not know why I have pushed away good men that have come into my life but that stops as of today.

Maybe, just maybe if I am lucky I can try to start a new relationship with someone special but that remains to be seen. I doubt if he will reject me but accepting me may be something different all together and the kids, well the kids I have to watch out for like crazy. I will not jeopardize the kids and I will jeopardize my relationship with them either. He better be understanding of that or we will go no where fast. It’s not fair to hold the lack of children in someone’s life against them, things happen or they don’t happen.

Most look at me at quite a prize because I own my own “mini mansion” lol, little do they know this “mini mansion” is truly a mausoleum and nothing more. So many want, want, want the bigger car, more money, the bigger house. Hell I want a car that runs, just enough to put food on the table and pay the bills and an occasional vacation and a smaller house. People that are turned on by the bigger and better are lacking true love in their lives and replace it with shit from stores.

Shopping is ok once in awhile but you must keep what is truly important at face value at all times and most cannot do that. I do not seek a perfect relationship, no I seek a loving relationship with imperfections so we can learn from them and grow as one. I can provide my share but can he? Is the question at hand and one that remains to be answered for sometime. When things are right I will remarry and I will be ready for the best days of my life, as well as the right man for me.