I’m so worried about sending him money because I cannot trust him and I wonder if he will come to the states or come up with another lame as excuse, I do not believe for one minute he has typhoid and he is trying to use me again, as I can feel it. He keeps using me I will be all used up shortly and that will be it as I cannot allow him to take advantage of me as he has done in the past and he damn well knows it.
I’m only sending him enough for the flight and a couple extra hundred bucks and that is it as I fear he will not get a plane ticket at all. He always had so many excuses which are lies and we both know it. He doesn’t realize that all I have is my house and taking a loan against it is risky if things don’t turn in my favor in the next couple of years. Once Ryan is gone then I very well could easily lose the house and then what shall ever I do?
I do not want to live in some shitty ass apartment again as I enjoy having a house and being able to have my own privacy. I am so afraid of helping him and getting burned, burned really bad because if he doesn’t come to Michigan I will close the fucking door and walk away for good this time as this will destroy what little trust I do have in him. It isn’t right what he has done to me and I do not know if he feels a bit of remorse and will do it again.
I can only share what I have with him not buy him the shit he is used to having as I cannot afford it, hell I can’t afford much on my meager income but he has got to know that. I hope and pray he is being honest this time with me and will come because if he doesn’t, I swear to God that will be the demise of even our friendship and there will be no turning back I promise you. I have been there for him now it’s his turn to be there for me as I need him.
It’s hard for me to say I need anybody but I must admit it if to no one else, myself and I have done that. I need him to give me everything you cannot buy and that is all emotional and comes from the heart. I do not want him being fake and phony and pretending he feels something he really does not as I have been down that road several times in my life and will no longer allow myself or anyone to play me.
I have no idea where to send the funds for him to come here and I don’t want to send it to the bullshit address he gave me last time or the bank account he had me send it to last time. He has covered his tracks at every turn and will do it again I am sure of it. But he has to be honest with me this time or there will be no money going his way I do not care what lies he says I will not send it no matter what, when is he going to be straight and honest with me? Ever?
I wouldn’t be surprised if he landed in New York and I never heard from him again or he played his bullshit games with me, well not this time there will be no games and I am not buying the shit this time. I will see how straight he is with me when he tells me how much his plane fair will be as that will tell a lot, as if I am not going to already know how much it is. I know I am being so untrusting but he has not given me a single reason to trust or believe in him.
He’s probably out this second partying with his girl Friday, his regular girl that keeps him company and takes care of his needs, he probably wants money to buy her some shit, which wouldn’t surprise me one bit. I hate the thought of him playing me again because that would insight an inner angry that I do not want to feel as I have worked so hard to release so much anger.
If he thinks he can play me for a fool he is the fool because he is going to have to give me his real name and he is going to have to show himself finally or I will cut him out of my life like gangrene and not look back this time. If he thinks I won’t do it he is sadly mistaken because I am stronger than I have ever been and getting stronger everyday and I do not need him to build me up. I pray to God that he is going to be honest with me this time, please God do not let him lead me on and down the wrong road as I will not follow this time. as I am on the edge of deleting him and he has no idea how fucking close I am.
YOU FUCKING LIEING MOTHER FUCKER YOU ARE IN FRANCE HOPE YOU KNOW YOU ARE A PUBIC HAIR AWAY FROM LOSING ME FOREVER IF YOU FUCKING CARE AT ALL.