Close I am

I’m so worried about sending him money because I cannot trust him and I wonder if he will come to the states or come up with another lame as excuse, I do not believe for one minute he has typhoid and he is trying to use me again, as I can feel it. He keeps using me I will be all used up shortly and that will be it as I cannot allow him to take advantage of me as he has done in the past and he damn well knows it.

I’m only sending him enough for the flight and a couple extra hundred bucks and that is it as I fear he will not get a plane ticket at all. He always had so many excuses which are lies and we both know it. He doesn’t realize that all I have is my house and taking a loan against it is risky if things don’t turn in my favor in the next couple of years. Once Ryan is gone then I very well could easily lose the house and then what shall ever I do?

I do not want to live in some shitty ass apartment again as I enjoy having a house and being able to have my own privacy. I am so afraid of helping him and getting burned, burned really bad because if he doesn’t come to Michigan I will close the fucking door and walk away for good this time as this will destroy what little trust I do have in him. It isn’t right what he has done to me and I do not know if he feels a bit of remorse and will do it again.

I can only share what I have with him not buy him the shit he is used to having as I cannot afford it, hell I can’t afford much on my  meager income but he has got to know that. I hope and pray he is being honest this time with me and will come because if he doesn’t, I swear to God that will be the demise of even our friendship and there will be no turning back I promise you. I have been there for him now it’s his turn to be there for me as I need him.

It’s hard for me to  say I need anybody but I must admit it if to no one else, myself and I have done that. I need him to give me everything you cannot buy and that is all emotional and comes from the heart. I do not want him being fake and phony and pretending he feels something he really does not as I have been down that road several times in my life and will no longer allow myself or anyone to play me. 

I have no idea where to send the funds for him to come here and I don’t want to send it to the bullshit address he gave me last time or the bank account he had me send it to last time. He has covered his tracks at every turn and will do it again I am sure of it. But he has to be honest with me this time or there will be no money going his way I do not care what lies he says I will not send it no matter what, when is he going to be straight and honest with me? Ever? 

I wouldn’t be surprised if he landed in New York and I never heard from him again or he played his bullshit games with me, well not this time there will be no games and I am not buying the shit this time. I will see how straight he is with me when he tells me how much his plane fair will be as that will tell a lot, as if I am not going to already know how much it is. I know I am being so untrusting but he has not given me a single reason to trust or believe in him.

He’s probably out this second partying with his girl Friday, his regular girl that keeps him company and takes care of his needs, he probably wants money to buy her some shit, which wouldn’t surprise me one bit. I hate the thought of him playing me again because that would insight an inner angry that I do not want to feel as I have worked so hard to release so much anger.

If he thinks he can play me for a fool he is the fool because he is going to have to give me his real name and he is going to have to show himself finally or I will cut him out of my life like gangrene and not look back this time. If he thinks I won’t do it he is sadly mistaken because I am stronger than I have ever been and getting stronger everyday and I do not need him to build me up. I pray to God that he is going to be honest with me this time, please God do not let him lead me on and down the wrong road as I will not follow this time. as I am on the edge of deleting him and he has no idea how fucking close I am. 

YOU FUCKING LIEING MOTHER FUCKER YOU ARE IN FRANCE HOPE YOU KNOW YOU ARE A PUBIC HAIR AWAY FROM LOSING ME FOREVER IF YOU FUCKING CARE AT ALL. 

Concerns and Wonders

I sure hope that loan comes thru because I want to bring him home so bad, not for myself but for him because he isn’t happy at all and that makes me sad. I just hope I am not being used to  get him home but I do not think so. I think he really does love me  but that remains to be seen and he must show me as I have such little trust in love and I want him to make me be a believer in love and life and I think he can. It’s hard for me to love myself but I do like myself so that’s a good place to start and things are getting better everyday for me.

I told my kids about him but I do not want them running their mouths at school, I will introduce them but I will not tell them his last name or what he does other than he is in business. Kids have a way of running their mouths and bragging and then the fucking principle will think I am fucking rich and want him to help the soccer team. I do not want him doing anything but resting for awhile and then when he is better I want him to find his way and what he makes me happy.

I hope he doesn’t mine that he lives with me for awhile hell as long as he wants but for some reason I do not think this house will ever feel like a home to him. It’s hard to live in someone elses home and make it yours, hell ours. It can never be ours because Bob and I built it but he must understand that the kids have to get out of school first and hopefully the economy will be better and we can sell this house and get one of our own.

I love this man and want his happiness but he has to make that happen within himself and only he can do that as I can only do that for myself. I can’t stand to see my son so drugged up and I can’t even be with him when he is as the dr. and that pisses me off. My child needs me to be there with him but the fucking state says otherwise. Hell, I have the same illness and I do not like what I see in my son and I called the dr. office and told them to tell the dr. Ry is walking around like he is high and to change his meds.

I shouldn’t have to leave a fucking message I should be there at the appointment but once again the fucking state and I have no control what so ever over my children. It will be nice to have a man around the house as a man automatically exudes authority even though I am the authority over my kids. I think Ryan will blossom and Shelby will learn what a real man is, not some pussy like her father and Leo I’m sorry Bob but you were and you know it.

I want my kids to respect this man and they will as long as he doesn’t try to boss them around, asking always works the best, especially with Ry and I want Ry to be around a man and to learn to be a man as that is so important to me. I love my kids so much it hurts and being away from them really hurts and is hard but has been for the best for all of us and Shelby has benefited from it even though she had to go through hell for eleven days in foster care.

I know I cannot provide what this man is used to but I have a very nice home regardless and I think he will be quite comfortable just the same. He will rebuild his empire in time and he will once again be on top but I hope he has learned that material shit doesn’t pave the way to true happiness. I’m never going to want to be in the lime light that just isn’t me as I am to private and secluded and like it that way, we use to have a famous Red Wings hockey player live on our street and luckily no one ever bothered him and that is the way I want to live. 

 

My Life

 You can love someone with every fiber of your being but when they continue to keep things from you and lie it is upsetting and pisses me off. I want a life with this man but I do not want to listen to anymore lies or bullshit and I do not know how to get him to understand that as I have tried so hard to get through to him. I don’t care who he is or who he “used” to be but I do know I do not want to share in his fame as that is not me and never will be.

I just want us to enjoy life and be together and live a normal life but he hasn’t lived a normal life in so long I think he has long forgotten how to do it. Life isn’t something attached to expensive shit and I know he has this expensive taste but he is going to have to just chill for awhile as things culminate for him. His future is bright and exciting if only he could be patient for awhile longer but he doesn’t seem to want to be patient and wait for everything to fall into his lap.

If he doesn’t start being honest with me there can never be an us because I will not have a relationship based on lies and deceit as that is a deal breaker for me. I want him to come home and we learn about each other, the good and the bad as that is the only way one can build a strong foundation and that is what I want, a strong foundation and a strong relationship. I live a simple life and not flamboyant what so ever while he is the opposite and I do hope he will be happy sharing my life.

 

 

Bucko

Have you been fearful I have been fucking others? Have you been afraid you might lose me? Have you been so afraid that you spy on me? Well put your fears to rest as I have done none of them and will not because I am tied to you, we are one even though we are worlds apart and yes you are going to have to get use to me buying shit on sale because I cannot see wasting money and yes I will get on your ass for wasting money because I was so poor.

I will never stop you from getting what you want and I think we will have a major foot race going on when a new technological gadget comes out as we are both addicts in that area. I’m looking forward to cooking together and laughing like kids, I am looking forward to your smile and your arms around me as it has been so long that it has finally come time to be together and I am not talking sexually. It is time for us to spend time together and get to know each other and the sex, well that will happen when it is suppose to.

I need you like I need oxygen and I cannot stand to be without you because I love you so damn much and yes I am scared, scared to death of being hurt as I am sure you are but I will not let that fear hold me back and I am coming to be with you as soon as possible. I am not wealthy and you know that and I do not have thousands of dollars to blow on a vacation but I think I can swing five grand if I can get this loan this week.

I want you to want me and yes I will send you the money if you need it so quit playing please and be straight with me. I need to have reservations for a hotel and I am going to have to fly from here to north carolina I believe and then to the Turks. I do not know if I need to rent a car or not but I will tell you I want to enjoy the island and see it, not just the sheets and no you are not making me sleep in the wet spot every night, that is what towels are for.

I want to look into your eyes as you enter me for the first time and I want to see what you feel for me, I want us to walk naked on the beach hand in hand and make love next to the water, I want to feed you fresh fruit and lick the juice from your chin and I want to lie on top of you with your arms around me. I want nothing more than your love and I ache so waiting to be with you and I want you to rest and to be yourself and no one else.

Do not try to impress me as that takes energy and both of us need to rest and rebuild ourselves as both of us have been through a draining time, I want to talk of our futures apart as well as together and what our expectations are of each other, I want us to put our cards on the table and be totally honest with each other, I want you to tell me what your five year plan is and how you plan to achieve it and how can I help. I am your ninja warrior who will cut down to size anyone that tries to burst your bubble because together we are a force to be reckoned with.

We are both smart and together can you imagine what we could produce? I want you to know how happy I am that I know you because I do believe you respect my intelligence and do not think I am stupid at all. I have a difficult time with that because I was raped and he called me a stupid bitch over and over and I am trying really hard to work through it as it has lingered for so many years. I believe you respect me and have some amount of admiration for me as well.

I know I’m not just another “hot babe” to you lol and I know you love me, really love me I know you do as I can feel it in my heart. I want to marry you so bad but only when it is right for both of us and I want to marry you in a private setting so it is our time and ours alone. I want to marry you in a no fault state or country that will be more than fair if there is a split, I only say this because I want you to always feel safe and secure and no I am never going to divorce you, kill you first yes divorce no.

If you want a prenuptial then hand me the pen and if you want us to live somewhere besides my home then we will do that as well.  I hate to take a beating on my house but whatever we need to start out our life together than shall it be. I plan on loving you like you have never felt and I know how good of a man you really are but you have kept my head so fucked up for so long that I have lashed out at you in anger but can you blame me?

Why is your anonymity so important? What are you afraid of? Are you afraid I am going to shout from the highest mountain that I fucked the great? Not happening babe, not now not ever. The one thing I really regret is that we couldn’t of have started our life together so much sooner but  it is never to late and today is the beginning of the rest of our lives if you choose to be honest with me from now on,  no more lies, games or half truths got it? Shut the fuck up and start telling me the truth as I already know it but need to hear it from you, bucko. 

Love Ya Babe

I wonder if he is ever going to come to my home, sleep in MY bed, not Bob and mine, that mattress is long gone, will he ever eat at my table, cook dinner with me, let me bathe him in my bath, will he ever sit on the couch and watch tv with me, will he ever teach me his computer tricks, will he ever walk naked around the house when no one is home? Will I ever be anything more to him than a fantasy?  Someone that fills his dreams with erotic stories?

Will he ever see me for the person I am, sensative, shy, romantic and loving? He thinks I am constantly loud and boisterous which isn’t true at all as the image all of project is not the true person inside us. I wish he knew how much I want to hold him on the beach and kiss him forever and love him. I wish he knew how much I admire him and how damn smart I know he is, I wish he knew that I fell in love with him the person inside, the man I know is not the one everyone else knows and never will.

What really hurts me is he doesn’t trust me enough to be honest with me and this scares me because without honesty we cannot go any further as I know the truth, yes the whole truth and he continues to deny deny deny which is wrong. I wish he was a nobody because I do not want to hide and sneak around hiding from the clickers and gossips, I want to be able to enjoy our lives without nosey ass people running their big mouths.

I want him to be wealthy, wealthy, wealthy so he can rub it in her face and he will be one day and yes she will be so pissed when the papers show pictures of us happy and enjoying each other and she deserves it for the hell she has put him through the last five years. Greedy bitch has emptied his pockets but not for long and yes she may have what he had but she will never have what he is going to have and she can sit back and watch him grow into a man that she can only dream of being with now.

Yes she bore his children but she will not enjoy his life now that he is a mature man and yes he put her through hell fucking around on her but hey what did she expect? He was young, famous, talented and everyone loved him and still does. I am glad she had him, he has raised his family and is free of her to live his life to the fullest as she is part of the past and will stay there. Hopefully they can communicate where their child is involved and yes she is going to be so jealous that he has someone who loves him as she doesn’t want that, not at all.

Well, I do love him and love him more than any man could imagine and yes I will stand by him and help him exalt his life and his love of the sports. I am happy for him that she is behind him and all the troubles he has had and I am glad he is free of the chains that have kept him bound. He is going to grow so much so fast that his head will spin once again as it did in his youth but this time around he won’t be fucking everyone just one.

The thing that pisses me off is he has such well manicured hands while mine look like an auto mechanics, lol, I love ya babe.

Ever

When in love you do not cruise the bars

You do not fuck someone else

You do not lie to the one you love

You do not jack off in their face

When they are sleeping

When in love you put

Down the toilet seat

Open the car door

Slip your hand under

Her dress

And cop a feel

When in love

You fuck everywhere

You fuck often

And you make

Passionate love

In bed

When in love

You feed each other

Lick the juice off of

Their chin

And smile often

When in love

You have

Mutual masturbation

French kiss for days

When in love

You wipe each others tears

Soothe each others fears

Listen to each other

Endlessly

And love each

Other for ever 

Lives

I am committed to commitment

And our life together

On bended knee I ask

Your hand in marriage

To be your wife

To hold you

When you are in pain

When tears flow

When you feel

Like a failure

I am here for you

Always

Never to leave

Your side

Never to see

You without pride

I am here

For you and

You alone

Please accept my

Proposal of love

In the form of

A true committment

That will last

Our entire lives 

Here I am on a Friday night watching my favorite show “House” I really enjoy learning medical stuff and some things always stay the same. I got hooked on medical knowledge when Bob got sick years ago and I am always watching shows like The Doctors, Greys Anatomy, Private Practice, I can’t help myself as I feel that I will learn something from each show that will prove to be useful in the future. I like to watch brain dead shows as well Big Brother, Ugly Betty shows like that because I watch them with Shelby and Ryan and I like Weeds, science shows and some show about different parasites that people catch.

I saw Ryan today and I am troubled as he appears to be high as if he is given to much medication and I do not like it one bit as he should not appear high. I will call the Dr. tomorrow as he is seeing a new psychiatrist next week, mind altering drugs have to be watched and with all meds the side affects can be quite dangerous. Ry went to Pennsylvania with Katie and he went jet skiing for the first time and he was so happy telling me about it.

I am so happy he is doing things this summer as we haven’t done anything in years and I really want to take a vacation with him, it would be nice if another boy was along but we will have to see how finances are. My sweet boy is growing so fast and he makes me feel like a dwarf but God knows the love I have for him is deeper than the earth’s center and I want him to be happy and healthy so bad, not looking like a fucking drugged zombie.

Janet and I have been cleaning for weeks now and we are going through everything, people want a big house well the bigger the house the more shit you accumulate and do not need. I am having no problem throwing out Bob’s stuff and I haven’t shed a tear which is great for me and it means I am ready for step two in my life. I am ready to be with a man physically and I know this is going to be difficult for me because being with just Bob for so long has made me shy about trying new things with someone new.

Bob flew me off so many times and looked at me as if I disgusted him when I wanted to try different things sexually, ten years difference makes a huge difference as we grew up in different decades, vastly different. He actually puked when his mom passed away and we were cleaning out her room and he found a black dildo, lmao, the old girl had it going on but sonny boy couldn’t handle it, I know I shouldn’t laugh but I can’t help it. 

I think it would be nice to get married on Mackinaw Island because it’s so beautiful but Michigan is a no fault divorce state, not that I would ever want to get divorced but I do not want the one I am in love with to have to worry about his financial standing. I  don’t want his money now or ever but what we work together to build should be fifty fifty, the money he earns from his own talents should be his and rightfully is. I don’t want him to ever have to worry about his financial standing ever again.

I would like us to start our own business separate from him as I do not want him to be the prime provider as we could so easily start a business that could bring in funds and be ran by others but we would oversee it. I do not want to be away from him more than I must and that is going to be a problem with the kids until Ryan graduates, Ryan is so smart and does great at the subjects he likes and he wants to go to Mexico next spring with his teacher and I will make that happen.

Shelby wants my wedding ring but I don’t know about that because the man she marries should give her a ring, not use mine in a new setting. She wants all the expensive shit as a typical Capricorn does and she wants the best which will never change. She will one day have her own law practice and do well financially but if she marries Leo she will always be the one bringing in the big bucks and that could be a problem later on.