Can I?

It’s hard to face the truth that you have hidden from yourself all along and it’s hard to accept that the one you love doesn’t love you and never has. He spends his weekends with her and has a lonely existence during the week and I am nothing more than someone that writes shit that he reads. He needs to feel a connection with someone that has a mental illness, he needs to feel understood and he needs to touch another’s thoughts.

I am accepting the truth even though it is so fucking painful but I rather accept the truth than continue to live a lie. He has never wanted to be with me and I have been grasping at straws as I have so under valued myself. I fell for all his lies hook line and sinker like all the other fish but I am not a damn fish, I am a woman, a damn wonderful woman that has love seeping out of every pore and that will never change and it will continue to grow as I get older as I am getting softer and so much more empathetic.

He can spend his time with his “weekend warrior” which is nothing more than satisfying and not fulfilling and he is settling like I settled for the crumbs from him. One day, when he is old and alone he will think of a woman that he once had a virtual relationship with and he is going to miss her and wonder what if? I will eventually have another relationship and possibly marry but I do not know if I can ever love anyone the way I have let myself love him. 

When we are young we have that all consuming love which we think will take us to then of our existence, I never had that love, yes at thirteen but that was not the love I should have had as it should have come in my early twenties but I was consumed in working and becoming independent from anyone. I was to busy being consumed with anger and hatred and always feeling cheated but those days are long gone with the  emotions that consumed me for so long.

He won’t miss me as he has her to keep his mind busy  and the other issues he refuses to speak to be about. I would never have rejected him but have tried relentlessly to try to help him and ease his emotional and physical pain. He has is wonderful weekend distraction that he will one day marry and live his happy fucking life with. I am mad, hurt and broken hearted but this is no ones fault but my own and I know that but just the same it fucking hurts.

I have no doubt he prefers the girlie girls, the ones that spend hours putting on make up and never so much as say hell, while I am completely the opposite and fuck is one of my favorite words which is not preferred by most but I do not care. I can tell him how much I love him but it falls on deaf ears and closed arms and I feel so empty as I ramble around this huge house without hearing the voice of single person or the bark of a single dog.

I don’t bother to get dressed as I hate clothes and frankly do not care what others think, as I have a lemon wedge in one hand and the fifth of tequilla in the other. As I drink straight from the bottle and suck on the lemon I aimlessly try to wipe of the tequilla I have split down my chest. I sat against the wall and let myself slide down it as I burst into tears of such overwhelming sadness and loneliness that I wish I could sleep, just sleep forever.

I can no longer write erotic fantasy life as the stories were always about us, just us but we do not exist and never did and we never will and the pain of knowing that is like a knife ripping through my chest and pulling out my heart. There is no pain that hurts more than to know the one you love doesn’t love you or even thinks about you but I cannot deny what is and what will never change, now can I? 

Do You Know Me?

I have finally found my happiness within myself and that is saying something as I have been so unhappy for so very long, being bipolar has crippled me in many ways but I have finally found a doctor that has got my medications right. I had male psychiatrists and changed to a female and what a huge difference, really huge. Men only deal with bipolar but women deal with an array of chemical changes as we get older the chemistry really changes and in my case dealing with bipolar has been a double wammy.

I have had numerous problems in my personal relationships with family, friends and lovers and it has been such a sad life to live but no longer as I am finally fucking happy! I have been so angry for so long that  it is so damn refreshing not to feel anger any longer. Janet says I act like I don’t have a care in the world and I really don’t as I do not worry about anything and have accepted what will be will be but it won’t be at my expense any longer.

I used to let others use me and then I would be so pissed at them and myself but I no longer am letting that happen to me. The man I love has used me and set me up and stolen from me by lieing to me and I do not blame him as much as I used to blame myself and hate myself for letting him. Things happen, we make mistakes and we either learn or we don’t and when you have a mental illness you have low self esteem and feel worthless and feel that you are only good for one think, to be used.

I am no longer that person and I will no longer let this man use me and I love him very much but I will not sit and wait for him to decide if I am the one for him, he either knows I am or I am not and has known for quite a long time and I will not wait for him to come to me, if he does great if he doesn’t o well. I think the thing he doesn’t understand is I know he isn’t in love with me and I know that looking into the future is so important, who will care for us when we are old? When we are ill? When we are lonely?

I am sure he is in love with another and I hope he sees her for the person she is to become and I wish him all the happiness in the world, I really do but it’s time for Kimberly to move on down the road and he isn’t taking my hand so I shall go it alone and I am making my own happiness and my own memories even if I am alone. I need people and I need love and my love for him will fade over time and I will continue on the path God has set before me.

It saddens my heart to have to accept that this man will never be with me or be part of my life but accepting what is, is part of my personal growth and therapy. I am tearing up but I refuse to shed another tear over this man and the life I so wanted with him. He will never find a woman like me because like everyone else I am not special but I am a unique person as is he and being unique doesn’t make me special but it does make me capable of loving deeper than most.

A Stray

In today’s society we look at the “average” person as “normal” but in my world “normal” is non existent and never will exist as I am not “normal” and neither is my son or the man I love. We are uniquely different in numerous ways and each one of has unique needs. I am strong enough to stand by my son as well as the man I love and I am strong enough to help myself and them as well but my son is yet a child and the man I love is an adult.

He has taken me for granted which is a grave error of judgement on his part as I no longer let others take me for granted or use me and that is all do to my counseling. This man has got to know if he wants me he has to come to me with open heart and mind as well as speak the truths he continues to hide from himself as well as me. I am committed to him but he is not committed to me and that will last for only so long as one day and one day soon I have no doubt someone will see my worth and I will be attracted to them.

As long as he thinks I am waiting in the wings for the crumbs he will continue to through nothing but crumbs my way and I no longer will settle for what shit he throws my way as I am worth so much more. Maybe he needs to really take a look at his life and answer this very question-who is going to take care of me in my hour of need? Who is going to love me for the person I no longer am? Who will sacrifice to care and love me even when I appear unlovable?

It’s quite apparent this man has a mental illness as the way he acts is somewhat twisted at times, I am no better and do not try to be but I have found happiness within myself finally and I like that feeling. Maybe he thinks he isn’t good enough for me and he is probably right but I believe that is my judgement call not his and I will not let anyone take away the power of my own mind as my husband did. Do not make decisions for me as that is not your right and do not make assumptions of what is good for me as I am not your child.

Do you want to love yourself as other do? Then follow my lead and I shall share the secret of self love with you but you must be willing to try. I have learned so much in the past year and I am willing to share with you the knowledge that will help you become a whole person, no I am not going to be your savior or your occasional fuck and the one you spend time with is sucking off you at every turn but you cannot see this as you do not value yourself as you should.

I have no pity for you and do not feel sorry for you but I do have empathy and understanding, a warm heart and loving arms to hold you when things get to heavy for you to carry alone. I do not look at you and see a happy man in fact quite the opposite has you hide behind a jovial exterior and pretense that makes me sick. Why can you not be who you really are and who God wishes you to be? Must you always pretend to be super human so much more than you are?

Are you not tired of the games and lieing? How do you live with yourself and the lies you tell me each and every time we speak. I am sorry to have to break this news to you but you and I are coming to the fork in the road, in fact we are at that fork as I type this and you have a choice to make, either come with me down the path to a real life or continue on the other fork which will leave you alone and a stray in the life you currently live. 

So Much

It’s another beautiful day and I am feeling so good about me and where I am at in my life as I find no desire to impress anyone because when we spend our time trying to impress others we are forgetting who we really are. To impress others is to want others to either like us or envy us and I am who I am except me or reject me and the way I see it I am the winner either way. I under valued myself for so damn long but as I look around I see that most are no better of than myself.

One of the hardest things to do is not loving ourselves but just liking ourselves and I have finally mastered that and I am doing the scooby dance because of it. Loving myself is coming but liking myself has been a major hurdle and I am a fucking olympic jumper for sure. It’s taken relatively no time at all to accept me for who I am and all I needed was some counseling and a few shots of tequilla to move my sorry ass up the tree of life.

I am a pleaser as I enjoy pleasing people but I have been able to differentiate the users from those that truly value what I have to offer as a person. Most people are takers and abuse those that give which says quite a bit about that individual. I sit and look into my dining room seeing a nice and clean tile floor and it makes me feel so good to know that my life is getting put back together once again which is apparent by the state that my home is currently in.

I will never change the basic personality that I have and I will never dance to another’s tune because I have no desire to be anyone but me and it’s either like me or you don’t. I am finding myself laughing more and enjoying the time Janet and I spend together as she is such a delight to be around. She is funny and makes me laugh constantly and she is genuine, yes a genuine person with no frills or bullshit and she touched me so the other day when she told me I was her “best friend”.

I want to do something special for her but do not know what I can possibly do but it will come to me in time I am sure. She helps me stay focused on me and that is what I need and she supports me and that feels so damn good. Janet is easy to love and she has had a terrible upbringing herself so we relate rather well with each other and enjoy each other’s company. She is a hell of worker and she keeps me motivated when I am feeling down, which hasn’t been often lately.

We are going to tackle the basement and I fear for our lives as we may become swallowed up in the bowels of the below and descend into another world of the unknown. No it isn’t that bad and actually doesn’t require as much work as the main floor has. I have thrown out a ton of shit and won’t miss any of it and Janet has been able to utilize some of the things for which I am happy that I could give them to her and she enjoys so much. 

Act On It

If you really had faith in yourself and trusted yourself then you would trust me, so get with it bub and start trusting what you feel and act on it. Would you come to me if I sent you the money or would you take the money and piss it away? I sure would like to know the real answer to that question because I think we need to meet and see if what we feel is real, don’t you?

Mwahh

It’s nice to smile when you read something from someone you love isn’t it? It’s nice to know that that person loves you too, isn’t it? Now go fuck yourself twice mwaahhhh

I Know

Why do I love you? Because I just do and why do I hope that we will be together, because God has made me feel that way and why do I not stay angry at you? Because I love you and why do I not want to be with anyone else? Because I respect you Why do I want your happiness? Because I love you why do I want you to be the best you can be? Because I love you Why do I want us to be together? Because I support your thoughts and dreams and because I love you.

Have I told you that I love you because you are you? that is exactly why I love you because you are unique and different,intelligent and warm, kind and loving that is why I love you and you know what? I know you love me too even though you are afraid to come to me I know you love me as much as I love you. 

I Care

I am in a very quiet place this evening as I sit with the tv on and not watching it as usual, I am at peace within myself and feel a quiet that is so calming. I have accepted how much I love this man and how much I wanted us to be together happy and enjoying life, yes I did believe this would one day happen but it hasn’t and I cannot make him want it and wouldn’t want to make him want it either. I want him to want me by himself for himself and no I will not play games that women usually play as I am not the usual woman.

 He doesn’t have faith in me and I cannot change that as he must believe in me and that has to come from within himself and nothing I will do or say will change that. I am sure he is afraid of any relationship with me and that is to be understandable. It’s one thing to see someone and fuck them and go on your way and it’s a completely different thing to commit to someone and be honest and open with them and trust them enough to take a chance.

I think he is afraid and I cannot help him with that, only he can make himself want to take a chance with me and he may not know but I am worth taking a chance on, I really am. I take love serious and I take a committed relationship serious as well. I would have loved to make this man happy but he doesn’t seem to want that with me at least and I cannot bring myself to hate him or want him to suffer and feel pain, I just can’t do that.

If he were standing in front of me I would look him straight in the eyes and tell him what I feel for him is true and not myth, what I feel for him doesn’t come just from me but from God as well and it is God that sees the two of us needing each other and we should be together but God gives us free will and this man doesn’t seem to want to use that free will to be with me. I have a box of stuff for this man and I think I am just going to send it and I am sure he will enjoy it.

I ask nothing in return from him not his love or a committment as I am not like that I do not expect to get anything in return for giving someone else something, as when I give it comes from the heart. I really want this man to be happy even though I am not the one that will be making him happy and I want this man to have the love he needs to change his life even though it isn’t me. I want these things for this man because I care about him.