How Ridiculous Am I?

I am so fucking stupid sometimes, hell I’m in love with a voice lmao, just a damn voice that has been there for the last three years. He refused to show his face or come to me and that is just crazy as he thinks I am going to send him money, no way Jose not happening. I have learned my lesson that I mean nothing to him other than $$$$ isn’t that sad? Yes, it is sad that someone would use someone the way I have been used.

I have let myself be setup and he continues to lie and I can no longer deal with it but I can tell you God watches his every move and God will see justice come into play eventually. I am not his judge or jury, I do not wish him harm or unhappiness but I do wish he would quit fucking me over but when you leave yourself open to users they will use you, it’s that simple. If he wanted to be with me he would and for me to keep hanging on to air is completely stupid.

I need to open myself up to others and that is so hard for me to do as I do not trust people, yet I have been trusting a scammer roflmao, how fucking ridiculous is that? Kimberly the elite moron, stupid idiot just sitting like a duck ready for picking. Well, I have made up my mind that if I get the loan I am taking care of business, the kids and myself as they are all I have and all I will ever have as I cannot see myself ever having a relationship, I just don’t see it.

I’m a loner not a socializer and I have no desire to go out into crowds as I do not like them, I prefer to stay home and watch a flick and have some popcorn. Most want to go out but not me, I do not mind going out once in a while but not on a regular basis as most do. I read a lot, mostly medical stuff and I am always doing research online because I want to understand as much as possible about my illness and my son’s.  I read and reread until the information is burned into my brain as knowledge is power and power can lead to happiness when used properly.

I don’t know if I am in love with this man or I have just become accustomed to his presence in my life and that is troubling me, no actually it isn’t troubling me it’s clarifying how I feel. How do I feel? I am no longer sure as the lies have worn me down like the brushes on a motor. You can push people only so far and then something snaps inside and you see the picture in it’s entirety. You accept what is, that you have been used and the person uses the word love and marriage without a second thought.

I’m glad I am finally accepting the truth as I know it and yes it hurts but this has got to stop and I can no longer be wide open to him and I can no longer be a patsy. I do know I will not send him another penny that is a given as I look at my responsibilities and what my children expect of me. They do not expect me to send money to an unknown face in another country while they go without, absolutely not going to happen as I am wide awake and moving up front and straight forward.

I’m beginning to wonder if I thought I was in love with one person while the one I really want to meet is the one that follows me all over the net and hacks my computer. Now I have got myself really fucked up now haven’t I? The one I really want to meet is the man that rights poetry, pretends to be camgirl, the one that has just gotten divorced after what five years? That is the man I want to meet because he is the one that has my attention but I do not know who the hell he is or what he really wants from me.

If he is the one that has my attention then he is the one I want to care for, be there for, help, guide and get to know as a person. No I do not want to go out on expensive dates and travel on his dime, no I do not want anything from him but conversation and to get to know him as he has my interest. I find him fascinating and intriguing, intelligent and worldly, funny and silly and entertaining. That is the man I want to know, is that asking to much?

If you are reading this then come to me let’s get to know each other as friends, as people with problems and let’s see where things go, if they go at all. There is no pressure, no expectations and no requirements but to be yourself. If you think that is something that might interest you then you know where I am and if you don’t I will send you my location in Michigan, I am not special so I can be easily found in the little town of Rockwood, living in Liparoto Estates just follow the street all the way to the end, Im the third house on the right from the end with the sideload garage 32081 on the main street.

Hope to see you soon and if I don’t I promise I won’t cry as I do not expect you to show up, I mean really who in their right mind would come to see me anyway? LOL, if you do then you are crazy and I love crazy, I really do. We could watch a flick and relax and if you are famous please park your ego at the door as I am not interested in your fame and really want no part of it as I value my privacy way to much to share it with the world.

Help Is Right Here

I’m so glad I got Ry into see the Dr. as I knew something wasn’t right with his meds and sure enough the Dr. changed his meds. I am so glad that God has given me the gift to understand medical shit and signs that are not obvious to most. I am no medical guru but I am very observant when it comes to side effects of meds. Those that I care about I pay much attention to their behavior and the way their mood is as medication can affect both.

My son wants to come home so bad and we will see what happens in court, I have court tomorrow for the felony and we will see what happens as I expect the prosecutor to want to try the case which is fine with me as I will win by a jury vote. I did nothing wrong but the damn police think they know every damn thing and I still have numbness in my right thumb from the handcuffs being to tight. I just have to get past this hurdle and put it behind me and life will be totally good.

I’m not stressed at all because I have adopted meditation, and yes it helps a hell of a lot. Meditation can help with pain, stress, anger and so many other emotions as you focus on breathing and letting go of thoughts that cause such distress. I wish the man I love would look into acupuncture as well as meditation because I do believe both of them would help him tremendously, I am a huge supporter of holistic medicine and eating healthy.

We are what we eat is so true and medications are made by man and man wants money so who knows what shit is in medication and that is why I lean towards holistic meds. So many people are down on smoking weed but let me tell you it helps so much as it relaxes you and being tense is the first thing you do when you feel pain, you tense up, which increases the pain. I haven’t smoked in several months and now I am taking pain pills which I do not like.

I’m just so damn happy that Dr. J. changed my sons medication and she wants to see him in two weeks which is so fucking great as she cares and she isn’t just pushing meds, Ry is seeing a therapist as well which is good for him and I am so happy he has such a great therapist and psychiatrist. A good Dr. is so important and it is really hard to find one that is dedicated to helping the patient but both therapist and Dr. are really committed to their chosen profession.

I hope the man I care for can realize that his lies have caught up with him as one minute he said he was black then he admitted he was white and now he says he is black again. I know he is white and I cannot help him see that his lies are hurting him more than they are hurting me. He must step up and be a man and either be with me or against me and right now it appears he is against me and that doesn’t seem to be in the changing stage unfortunately.

I could change that man’s life for the better and starting with his health would be my number one mission. As long as he wants to hide his fibromylasia and his borderline personality disorder than we can go no where and I accept him just as he is and I could relieve so much of the problems he has but he doesn’t have faith in me as a person let alone someone who will do whatever it takes to relieve his pain, emotionally or physically.

Tell The World

I see your videos from years ago posted, why in the hell haven’t you written a biography? Made a movie of your life? So many people adore you and want to know everything about your life and if you opened up and let the world know about your illnesses you would be a fucking hero again. People would look at you completely different, in a good way not condemning and you could capitalize on this but in a very good way that would help so many people.

You have done so much with your life and you have overcome the obstacles that most wouldn’t even try to overcome and you could be such an inspiration to the world. I wonder if you retired because of the fibromylasia, have you had it that long or longer and ignored it as long as you could? Do you think having a mental and physical illness you should hide it from the world so you feel safe and secure in your bubble?

You are a fucking hero man, so many love you to this day and you could be such an inspiration to so many and I so wish you would look at these illnesses in a different light. You can bring so much attention to these illnesses and that would so help so many, don’t you see that? I am sure God does not want you to suffer in silence as he never does want anyone to suffer in silence and not all of us are given such a great ability that you have and can shake and wake up the world with our fame.

I love ya babe no matter what you do but you could help so many by sharing your story with the world. It is up to you and it is your story but your story is full encompassing as it has affected your family as well and how have they dealt with it? Do your children know about your illnesses? All of them? If you have not told them you need to so they do not suffer themselves in time if they get the illnesses and if you have a child or children with disabilities all I can say is love him, love him with every ounce of love you have.

I hope I am not appearing to be pushy because I do not want to appear that way at all, I just see a hell of a man with so much to offer the world and make so many people except what their lives are like with the illnesses, you could show people who you can live even with illnesses and no life isn’t easy but it still can be rewarding. You, my love make my life rewarding every day even though you are not here you make me feel loved, even if you don’t love me.

Shelter You From The Storm

Love is so controlling and makes us do things we know we should not do, love can turn into the blood that runs through our bodies and gives us life, love is exciting and makes one feel so damn good that it can become a drug to some. I love someone but have no idea if they really love me or not and this is confusing for me as he never shows his real self and I do not care what health issues he has as I would gladly take care of him because that is part of loving someone.

Love is more than a word and it is more than actions, when two people are really in love they have a bond that us unbreakable and it gets stronger with time. You can read each other’s thoughts and you just know things about each other that is not common knowledge to others. I wish he had enough desire to be with me that he would come to me and let me be his friend first and then his lover, not the other way around.

Sex is great, in fact sex is fantastic with the right person but sex should never be the basis of a relationship as two people can have great sex but not a great relationship. A great relationship with lousy sex doesn’t work either but I believe with all my heart that we would have both, a great relationship and sex life. I want to watch this man climb the bean stalk again and he will, all in good time and when God decides this man is ready.

I know I have sounded conceited when I say he will never find another woman like me, he may find a woman who is very close but never the same as each and everyone of us are unique in our own way. The only thing this man is missing in his life is true love, someone who truly does want the best for him and truly loves him like I do. I do so hope he can have enough strength to make himself come to me and let me show him the type of relationship he has wanted his entire life.

He will find someone who puts him first and is always concerned about his health and welfare, someone who knows what he is capable of even when he doesn’t think so, someone who will tell him he can do it when he says he cannot and loses hope, someone that wants his happiness and to love him exactly the way he is. Someone that has no desire to change him or rearrange his life what so ever and someone who wants to hold him when he is overwhelmed and needs to “hide” just for a while. Let me be there for you my love and let me shelter you from the storm.

Let Me Care For You

I get it now, you have fibromylasia and a personality disorder so you want me to put on my running shoes?Well, fuck you I am not going anywhere and you cannot get rid of me that easily because you have some issues. I have issues and everyone in the world has issues that doesn’t mean you turn and chase bait when things get tough, no you do not turn your back on the one you love because of health problems. I never turned my back on Bob and I sure as hell will not turn my back on you.

Are you embarrassed because of your health issues? Don’t be as there is nothing to be embarrassed about and I know the difficulty of health issues and it’s just part of life. I need you to work with me so I can help  you anyway possible, I do not need you to run and hide your head in the sand and say poor me. My love for you is stronger than any illness and I will climb mountains to find out all I can that will help you, don’t you know that?

No, I am not just saying this to make you feel better as I will not blow smoke up your ass and I would hope you know that by now. I am your support system on a personal level and I will love you no matter what, so don’t even try to push me away because I am cemented in place. Come to me and let me love you babe, let me put a smile on your face and let me make you feel whole if only for a  minute. Do not walk away from me and hide, please do not do that.

Let us build a life together a support system for each other, let us enjoy life and smile, let us love each other and be thankful each and everyday for each other. Let us give each other what we so desperately need and let us be fucking happy for once. Please come to me as I am begging you to let me in your world and care for you and share with you what little I may have, open your heart to me and let me fill it with love and caring. 

To My Sweetie

I love waking up and looking out the window in my bedroom as I am an exhibitionist and leave the blinds open, lol. The funny thing is I have a cement porch that runs the length of the house and I have a field behind me so there is no one that sees me anyway unless they come up on the porch, lol. Nobody ever comes here unless I invite them and I am so private and unsociable that it’s me, myself and I all day everyday.

I feel pretty good again and that is scaring me because to feel this good is foreign to me as I usually feel like shit and am depressed. Depression sucks and it’s a hard one to kick but these new meds, hell ya I feel like dancing, I feel like singing but then I would scare all the birds away and I love the birds. I love nature and I love the sun and water. Today is another good day and I am loving how I feel and I am loving myself, yes I said it I am loving myself.

The man I adore has issues and he is sending me messages as if we are telepathic and I don’t care what problems he has and I do not care what issues he may have as I will always stand by him no matter what and I wish he knew that. I am here to take care of him when he is depressed or in pain and I will do everything in my power to help him and I love him just the way he is, no one is perfect and some have terrible health issues but you do not quit loving someone because of that.

Bob’s health issues were always so damn hard to deal with because he was on the brink of death constantly and that was so hard to live with, I never minded caring for him and I did the best I could but I wasn’t able to stop the constant emboli that ended up in his lungs time after time. The clotting disorder took control and even the blood thinners couldn’t stop them. I do not consider taking care of someone a burden as that is what I enjoy and what I am good at.

When you love someone you do not walk away when times are tough, hell no you stand your ground and you fight with that person and give them the support they need. You give them lots of hugs and support and you love them and let them know they are never alone in their fight. People are afraid to tell others about their illnesses for fear of rejection and I can understand that as being bipolar scares others as they think I am crazy and that is fine because those that know me love me regardless.

I love you babe and I do not care what health issues you have and I will always stand by you and help you, you just have to tell me how your illnesses affect you so I can understand and be supportive. I am not just saying this to make you feel better as that will not help you and I aim to help you anyway I can. You have to help me help you and I will help you help me, is that a deal? I will never leave you, never walk away from you or leave you stranded and alone.

I want to marry you, all of you the good the bad and the ugly and I accept the entire package as my love for you knows no boundaries and I wish you would give me the opportunity to show you how I really am as a person. We belong together and that is the truth or I wouldn’t have held on for so long and you wouldn’t be sending me messages through the air, you want me to know what problems you have because you are waiting to see if I walk away, HELL NO I am never walking away got that sweetie? 

Small

I like writing as it is a way to let the self expression go what ever way it may choose, I do not write for others and care not what others may think as they have not shaped my world nor will they. I guess I should be careful of what I type but why? This is me and if I am not pretty enough for your eyes then focus them elsewhere, thank you. I wish I were a fly on the wall so I could observe me and my actions, so I could try to make sense of it all.

Nobody cares what I write and nobody is able to feel what I feel at any given moment, that is called being human. Writing for others is like living for another, what’s the point? There is none so I write for me and live for me and will continue to do so and as I write, most of the time I feel better and sometimes I do not but that is the sweet thing about writing, it is a release of what binds me too the wall and keeps my life from moving forward.

I am my own prisoner and I have become a prisoner of love which pisses me off as I do not want to love but am consumed by it never the less. I am holding so tight that I am choking the shit out of the love I feel for this person and I need the love so bad that if it could be bought I would be first in line. It is not healthy to live without love and I am so damn unhealthy right at this moment as love has eluded me for so damn long, in fact to long.

I need this man to show me love and understanding because I am tied to him and cannot get away. I am the eternal fish and I hate it, I hate being a damn fish, as I cannot swim away and he will not come to me. He must realize what he is doing to me and my mind, he must know he is making me so unstable and unsure of myself and this is not needed, especially at this time in my life as I was standing so tall and his sorry ass came along and made me feel small. 

The Sound Of Laughter

It must be the tequilla that is running through my fingers because I am making no sense it all and I am so fucking scattered right now. It must be the alcohol because I am not a regular drinker and get so drunk so damn easy. I have been drinking tequilla straight which I shouldn’t be doing because it really hurts my tummy but I drink it anyway for a quick get fucked up. I am trying to drown my sorrows in a bottle which never works but we try just the same as if our problems will magically disappear by morning.

You know the one thing about being naked all the time is? As a woman and having a “cloth” couch well need I get graphic, no I do not and I need to clean this couch as my daughter sells it smells like, well you know lol. Scratch and Sniff, hell I wonder if I could sell this bitch and produce a new product line of couches, lmao. I know I am out in left field right now but that is ok because it’s the drugs, alcohol and waking up when I should be sleeping.

I need a lot of sleep and when I do not get it I am not a very pleasant person to say the least. When I get up I don’t have much to say as I go through my morning routine so fast and out the door I go. I smoke constantly which is not good because I have this nervous energy but you wouldn’t know it to look at me as I am extremely unmotivated and hate cleaning but that is what I have been doing because I hate living in clutter and garbage.

I am so fucking lost right now as I dream of a man that is my secret mentor as he guides me through life and doesn’t let me fall even though I trip constantly. I dream of him next to me and supporting my thoughts and he scolds me like a child when I am wrong but I need this I guess at times as I am childish at moments but I like that. I like being silly and childish and I like saying stupid shit that will make you laugh because I like the sound of laughter especially his laughter. 

Bo Peep

What the hell is wrong with me? I let go and ten minutes later I’m holding on again as if I am begging and pleading with no one to love me and let me love them. I need this man so much and I do not want to need him but he is like super fucking glue and he has stuck himself to me. My head is so screwed up where he is concerned, I make a fool out of myself by wanting someone that apparently doesn’t know if he wants me or maybe he does know.

My confusion is not good for me as it is a stressor that I do not need and gets my mind so confused that I am lost. I do not like this one bit but cannot stop the feelings that control me and make my mind consumed with thoughts of him. One minute I can let go and the next I am grabbing hold of every dream every hope and every wish I ever had of being with him. There is such a strong connection between us or maybe that is just in my mind as well.

I think I am going crazy, seriously going out of my mind as I no longer know who I am but I am happy that I am sure of, I am happy with the crazy person that types at the speed of sound. I think the crazy monkeys will be at my door this morning ready to strap me to the gurney and take me for electric shock therapy. Yes, that has been recommended bu I will not let them do that to me as I have enough problems and to fry what’s left of my brain is not happening.

I have been hospitalized twice and both times were over a decade ago and I will never be committed again. It is no picnic let me tell you and it wasn’t worse than jail but damn near close to it as the Dr. tries to play fucking games with you and tries to get you to say shit that will allow him to fry your brain. I think he enjoyed doing that to others but no thank you from me, absolutely not going to ever happen.  I have so many fears and being alone is not good for me either as my mind goes in what ever direction it feels like.

I wish he would come to me and save me from me because I think I am going crazy and that is scaring the hell out of me. In a matter of hours I have lost control and the direction of my life as I only want to sail his way. I wish I could believe him as that is so fucking important to me. I wonder if this new sleeping medication is messing with my mind since I woke up only to pee and here I am typing away like little fucking bo peep. 

Become One

When you are sad

 And all alone

Think of me

And come on home

I will hold you forever

And a day

Because I love

That way

I will lick

Away your tears

And scare

Away your fears

I accept all of you

Can you say

That to me too?

We have faults

We are not perfect

We are forever

Flawed

But that is us

While others

Have taken the bus

I will forever

Stand by your side

Even when you

Hide behind pride

You cannot deny

And continue to lie

That we should

Become one