What the hell is wrong with me? I let go and ten minutes later I’m holding on again as if I am begging and pleading with no one to love me and let me love them. I need this man so much and I do not want to need him but he is like super fucking glue and he has stuck himself to me. My head is so screwed up where he is concerned, I make a fool out of myself by wanting someone that apparently doesn’t know if he wants me or maybe he does know.
My confusion is not good for me as it is a stressor that I do not need and gets my mind so confused that I am lost. I do not like this one bit but cannot stop the feelings that control me and make my mind consumed with thoughts of him. One minute I can let go and the next I am grabbing hold of every dream every hope and every wish I ever had of being with him. There is such a strong connection between us or maybe that is just in my mind as well.
I think I am going crazy, seriously going out of my mind as I no longer know who I am but I am happy that I am sure of, I am happy with the crazy person that types at the speed of sound. I think the crazy monkeys will be at my door this morning ready to strap me to the gurney and take me for electric shock therapy. Yes, that has been recommended bu I will not let them do that to me as I have enough problems and to fry what’s left of my brain is not happening.
I have been hospitalized twice and both times were over a decade ago and I will never be committed again. It is no picnic let me tell you and it wasn’t worse than jail but damn near close to it as the Dr. tries to play fucking games with you and tries to get you to say shit that will allow him to fry your brain. I think he enjoyed doing that to others but no thank you from me, absolutely not going to ever happen. I have so many fears and being alone is not good for me either as my mind goes in what ever direction it feels like.
I wish he would come to me and save me from me because I think I am going crazy and that is scaring the hell out of me. In a matter of hours I have lost control and the direction of my life as I only want to sail his way. I wish I could believe him as that is so fucking important to me. I wonder if this new sleeping medication is messing with my mind since I woke up only to pee and here I am typing away like little fucking bo peep.