Take Care

Hey Gabriel how’s it feel love to be single and foot loose and fancy free? So you’re in love with a lab assistant huh? Well, congratulations I’m happy for you as you have helped me get where I am in my life. You scammed me real good and have played me for three years, proud are you? Well, I have learned valuable lessons from you and I thank you because if you wouldn’t have scammed me I would still be ignorant.

I like the way you use Kaye to talk to me, lol why? I’m not sending you another dime sweetheart so what is it you want? My friendship? You want to marry me? Lol I do not think so and that is fine as I do not need to be married to be happy or to commit. You never committed to me and played me like the pro you are but the game is over love, yep it’s over. I will not go out looking for some guy to fill the void in my life to please you and make you feel less guilty.

Don’t feel guilty as it’s a wasted emotion, there is no benefit to but to make yourself feel like shit and I think you feel like that all on your own. Mental illness and physical illness is a bitch and life can really suck but if you surround yourself with people that really care about you and love you, well you can overcome anything. I don’t want anything from you not even the money you scammed as money doesn’t change my perspective on people or my life.

I’m happy, yes I am very happy just by myself, yep little ole’ me is happy and I have done it all by myself with the help of counseling and meds of course. You have been buying antidepressants online for years but you just can’t seem to find peace within yourself can you? Well, I have and it’s wonderful to feel so good about myself after so long of hating myself-you should try liking yourself sometime it’s amazing what it will do for your outlook.

I am not waiting for you to show up at my door or get on bended knee, no I am past that dream, like you said I’m a dreamer but what a dreamer I am, really. I do not want you to feel bad about the games you and “Frankie” have played with me, honestly I do not. I can not allow myself to feel anger towards you or any one as it isn’t good for me so I want you to know I forgave you long ago. Yes I forgave both of you and I have forgiven myself.

I do hope you and your girlfriend or fiance are very happy together and I do hope you can rebuild a family unit and have fun together, enjoy life and chase those rainbows because at the end of the rainbow is butterfly’s and butterfly’s are free as you should be. Free yourself from the chains that bind you and enjoy life love because we only go around once and you have lived such a full life but now it’s time to value the time that you have left.

Age changes us and age makes us look at problems and people differently and I do not see an evil man, no I see a very sweet man that is troubled and needs a whole lot of understanding and love. Your girlfriend hopefully can fulfill your needs because you are worth it babe you really are. I’m not blowing smoke up your ass I just want you to be happy and not so damn tormented all the time because I have been where you are and it’s not a happy place.

Good luck in your life and I will continue to pray for you, try meditation it will help with the pain, trust me it works. Do me a favor please stay of my computer as there is nothing there of interest for you ok? O and by the way, I know it’s you doing all the poking using different names, haven’t you realized that you just like everyone else has certain things that you do over and over? You give yourself away love and there’s no longer any challenge as you are so predictable now, trying doing something unpredictable for a change.

Realization

I’m not thrilled where my counseling is headed, Barbara says my issues, or most of them stem from the rape and I have so buried that and haven’t focused on it in over thirty years. It’s amazing that one act can fuck up your entire life without you realizing the effect it has on you. As far as I am concerned it happened and it’s over with but Barbara is right, I must face what I have refused to face and deal with it if my life is to continue to get better.

I am doing great these days and I do not want to look back as I have worked so damn hard to get where I am at now. Janet can’t believe how quickly I have changed for the better and neither can I, the right medication can change your entire life in a matter of weeks. I am thrilled that Ry’s meds have been changed and we will see if he has noticed a difference on Friday. Ya, I get to see him on Friday for one fucking hour and Shel hasn’t been invited as Ry loves his one on one time with me and I enjoy our time together as well.

I have decided that I will be spending one on one with each child at least one hour per day because I want to rebuild our relationship and I want to do family things together several times a week, money permitting. Ry’s new phone came in today and I will give it to him on Friday along with $300.00, Shel’s pom camp cost that so fair is fair and anyway the money is from their social security. I just got a $1600.00 bill for Ry’s hospitalization in a psychiatric hospital.

I have really good insurance but they only cover so much of psychiatric hospitalization, other than that I just have $15.00 co-pays and meds aren’t bad either as I have a mail in meds company that cuts the price as well. I am fortunate to have such great healthcare bennies when so many others do not have it. I’m so glad that I was able to cover Bob as his medical expenses were enormous, but since he was my husband he was covered under my policy.

His bills were literally over $100,000.00 and I paid like $300.00 total which was for the meds, I thank God everyday for my good fortune. I am really lucky in so many ways and I am finally seeing that as I was so depressed for so long I couldn’t see anything positive but now I see so much positive and no negative at all as I am growing everyday and very happy with my life. It has taken along time to get to the place I am at but I have finally arrived.

I have finally realized that I do not need to let myself be shit on and used because I am worth so much more and I am happy, yes fucking a I am happy! I’m so afraid something is going to happen to rain on my parade but that is ok because I love to dance in the rain.  Life is beautiful when you can see it but when you are depressed you cannot see anything but ugly and I am so done with ugly and I just love to water my hibiscus and my sweet basil and watch it grow and the tree bloom.

I have finally reached the point that I can no longer be scammed and I am no longer buying the lies either, the rape really distorted my view of myself and I lost every ounce of self respect I had but was unaware of it. I do not like dealing with that situation from so long ago but since I have started accepting what happened, I am doing so much better and letting go of so much pain I have held onto and I am finally blooming.

You cannot change your past but once you accept it then you can move on in your life as I am and I no longer have to feel like a loser and useless. It doesn’t matter how you feel about a someone but you cannot let them walk on you and hurt you because everyone is worth so much more than that. Yes, I love someone I think and I’m no longer sure about that as he has done nothing but use me and has shown me nothing.

I think he feels guilty and wants to see me find a guy that will be good to me, well he will wait a hell of a long time for that to happen as I am so fucking picky. I picked him even after all he has done so that tells you my taste in men and I cannot replace the type of relationship I had with him and won’t even try so I shall be alone until I’m dead. I’m ok with being alone and always have been so I am fortunate where being alone is concerned.

He uses the marriage card but doesn’t realize that that has no affect on me what so ever. I am in no hurry to get married and yes I like being married but that committment is not just for me alone as my kids are part of the deal and I have to feel comfortable with how my kids and the guy I am going to marry interact. I have a lot to offer and I have to be sure the one I marry has something that is comparable as things are turning in my favor finally.

Court was a grin today, my attorney Scott asked for a two week posponement because he is waiting for my other attorney Trevor to go to court tomarrow and talk to the judge about my dad’s stuff. I thought that situation was cleared up but Doris has pulled some shit and now I have to get ugly with her. The judge had Doris get on the stand this morning because she was accusing me of doing some shit I didn’t do and she accused me of stopping her mail.

I did no such thing and the judge asked me if I had and I said no and Doris started laughing, big mistake in fact huge mistake with this judge as he told her that he did not appreciate her laughing in his court room, lol. I was such a good girl and didn’t say a word but no, lol you have to find out what type of judge you are dealing with because this judge is a tough cookie indeed. I’m just going to have a trial and call it a day. I will do well with a trial but this judge there is no way I would go before him and let him make any decisions regarding my case.

Scott will get everything he needs from Trevor to make Doris look like the curb turd that she is, she is so fucking money hungry

My Fault

Everyone else can see that I have been a complete stupid asshole as I let myself be used over and over, I gave and gave and thought I was getting love in return when in fact I have gotten nothing in return and never will. I cannot continue on this path of self destruction when I have been doing so well, yes I have been doing fucking fantastic and that is saying something as I have never ever been this stable, this happy this carefree.

I always worry, I worried about his health, his eating, his warmth, his care but not once, no not once has he ever really cared for me and I have to accept what is before me. I have been nothing but a mat, a door mat to use and lie to and this is destroying my core, the core of love that I have to give someone as it is chiseled away with each lie and each day of hoping and praying. I cannot believe I could be so fucking blind and not see  what is before me.

He is obviously in love with someone else and finds his life happy and fulfilling while mine is drained and empty but that is my own fault, yes it is my fault for being so fucking desperate. I am to embarrassed to tell my friends the truth and I hide it from everyone what a fool I have been, how I have held on to something that has never been there. Finally after three years I am finally facing the ugly truth as I know it and I feel like shit about myself.

I have allowed myself to be raped and beaten all over again but in a different light, I have let a man strip me bare and hold me up for a laughing crowd to throw rotten tomatoes at. I have let myself be trampled and left to die, yes I have done this to myself and it is no ones fault but my own. I want what everyone else wants but I am face down in the mud and no one can see that I am pretty as I am no longer pretty but covered in mud.

I have learned a valuable lesson that has cost me dearly but I have learned and I will never repeat my ignorance again, I will never love again as it took 49 years to love and I will be dead in another 49, so no it will never happen again in my lifetime. I accept it as I fell to hard for someone that never fell for me but instead got seduced by the money I had and now I am paying, yes now I have had to try to get a loan against my home.

I have nothing, I am nothing, I shall never be nothing to nobody and I accept that. I am not having a pity party and no I feel not sorry for myself but I have accepted responsibility for my lot in life and can blame no one but myself for being so fucking stupid and blind to what was before me. I cannot pretend any longer what will never be and never was and I have to accept the ugliness no matter how much I do not want to.

Nothing

I will not cry

I will not lie

I will not buy

His love

 

I will not give

I will not steal

I will always

Be myself 

And be real

 

I will not pretend

He loves me too

I will not be

The same old fool

He doesn’t love

Me

I can finally see

I am an empty

Soul

That he 

Cannot see

The Idiot The Fool

I am the idiot

I am the fool

I am the one

That crawls 

And begs

For love

 

I am the idiot

I am the fool

I have given 

Thousands to

No one I knew

I have been so

Desperate

I have been

So blind

I am not

For him

I am not

Of his kind

 

I am the idiot

I am the fool

He played me

He played

Me so well

I tripped 

And I fell

For all his lies

Because he

Is so wise

 

I am the idiot

I am the fool

I am a no one

I am invisible

I am a nothing

I am an idiot

I am a fool

Lost

Some chase the dragon

I chase the dream

The dream of a place

A place devout of space

I am enclosed in the darkness

I am lost at sea

I am alone

And that will

Always be me

I am a dreamer

A dreamer for sure

No one cares what I dream

And no one I have

to lean

I am a captain

caught in a storm

My ship is taking on water

And it won’t be long now

My ship will go under

And I will look like a clown

No one to each to

No one is there

Why in the hell

Would anyone care?

I Just Want To Be Loved

I wonder if a person can become obsessive compulsive regarding another person? I think I am o.c. regarding this guy that I have never met, has used me, ripped me off and lied to me. What the hell was I thinking? Did I actually think I was in love? Yes, I did I thought I was in love because I was so damn desperate to be loved that what ever he said I believed now that is desperation. I’m not desperate and I’m not going to continue this destructive behavior as this is not good for me one damn bit.

I am doing so well that I can no longer waste energy on someone who is just using me and what really screws me up is I do not know if I am dealing with one person or two. It’s all so confusing but the confusion will set me back if I do not let it go and so I am letting go. I’m sure I will get a huge cheer for being such an asshole for so long and finally realizing that I am nothing but a fool and yes I have been nothing but a fool, I know.

Sometimes, it’s easier to live a fantasy than the reality of every day life and life has been hard, damn hard and I have only survived by the grace of God. People think I am a fucking lunatic and they do not see what lies behind the laughter and the smile as I try to keep the pain hidden from others. Every now and then I have a moment of recall and I shed a tear but then I suck it up and put it back inside as I have no one to hold me when I need to cry.

Yes, I need to cry and let go of all the pain that lies within me but my pillow is tired of soaking up the tears and has escaped to the washing machine. I lie in bed and wonder what if? what if I had real love in my life? What if I had someone to share my life with? What if someone cared enough to be there for me? What if, what if, what the fuck if’s are just that what if’s that never will happen and I just have to focus on me and my kids.

I wonder what will happen to me when the kids are gone for good, will I crash and burn? Will I end up having a break down and totally cracking up? Will I sit on the back porch in a rocker and rock the days away waiting for the mailman? Will I just give up all together? What will I do, I do wonder because living alone is a very sad place to be and it doesn’t give you what you need, I have accepted the fact that I need love to blossom and I am not blossoming one bit.

I am not looking for acceptance nor am I looking for someone to pity me, no I am just trying to find out why I have been such a stupid fucking idiot for the last three years. I am finally building up my self esteem and realizing that I do have some worth, at least to myself. It doesn’t matter if no one else loves me but my kids and I cannot expect someone to show up at my door telling me “I have waited my entire life for you”. That would be asking to much even for me, lol.

I’m on a private journey, the journey of why I am doing what I have continued to do to myself, devalue yes that is exactly what I have done to myself. My husband made me feel less then a person and he robbed me of my self esteem. That happens over years when you are with the same person, they know what buttons to push to make you angry, control you and yes even destroy your self esteem. Without self esteem you let others use you, con you, scam you, lie to you and all this does is hurt you in the end.

I can blame no one but myself for letting my self esteem slip away like water down a sewer and yes I take full responsibility for it as I am in control of my own destiny and how I feel about myself. I cannot place blame on another, not fully at least and I have to accept my own lack of positive action to protect myself, which I never did. As I sit here watching the movie As Good As It Gets I recall being a little girl just wanting to be loved and now that I am a big girl, I feel the exact same way.