Open Spaces

I would like to go on a vacation with my son and leave Shelby at home as she traveled to Europe and Ry has never been anywhere really. He loves water but he has skin that has to be covered in sun screen or he burns really bad. I think it would be great if we went on a cruise or somewhere, just us as he so enjoys hanging with just me but of course mom does get boring so it would have to be some place where other kids would be.

I wish I knew a great location with an awesome water park but of course I do not, I was looking at a place in Jamaica but I don’t know as I am not well versed as a traveler. He liked the Disney cruise and would like to do that again but I would like him to see other places around the world. He gets on so well with other kids now that he is on meds and I am so happy for that as a kid without friends is not a happy child and I know because I was one of those kids others made fun of.

I wish Gabriel would get his head out of his ass and all four of us could go on a vacation which would be nice, but then again his son doesn’t know me or even know of me and that could upset him and I do not want to do that. We could get separate rooms with Ry and I in one and Gabriel and his son in the other, I would like to get to know him without the sex involved because sex can happen anytime but I prefer to get to know the person.

I guess I am just old fashioned but who knows I might talk to him for ten minutes and throw his ass down and just take some, lol. Then I would fall in the same category as his groupies and I do not want that. I do not want him to look at me as the same old same old because I am not and never will be. Who knows he may be madly in love with someone and planning to get married this month or next so I cannot allow myself to dream of dreams that are pie in the sky dreams.

I really miss having a family and the kids around as the house is just a house and nothing more, I look at the kitchen table and wonder if there will ever be another family dinner at it or will I continue to sit in front of the tv eating my meals and not even tasting them. I make my kids favorite foods forgetting they are not even here and Janet and I sit and eat them and I send the left overs home with Janet. Janet is so damn funny and sweet, she told me I was the best cook she had ever met and she loves my cooking, wow what a compliment.

She wants my recipes but i told her I don’t have any as I just throw shit together from left overs or I experiment and she says she doesn’t believe me, lol but it is true. I do not like to waste food so I come up with shit that some how tastes really good from left overs. I wish I could have her move in but I do not know where I am headed in a few years and her only income is SSI and she gets section 8 housing assistance so that makes thinks difficult.

I don’t know what it is about Aquarians but I seem to get along with them so great Janet and my son are both Aquarius’s and we have such a great relationship. Most people only can dream of the type of relationship we have and I thank God everyday for both of them as they are so damn smart, funny, understanding and just cool people. Most think I am touched because I believe in astrology but fuck them I don’t care what anyone thinks

My attorney even listens to me when I tell him Mercury is retrograde so at least I know he taken care of as he has taken such good care of me legally. I could be a billionaire and I would still use him as I have so much trust in him. He is currently taking care of the jerk that ripped me off and my felony issue and Trevor is dealing with issues surrounding my dad so I am covered by to really good attorneys and I will be fine financially in several years.

I wish Gabriel would have more faith in himself as he is so intelligent and he could do anything his heart desired, yes soccer is over but he lived a great life and made a great name for himself and still has a great name and much influence on so many people. He is a private person but he must realize he need not suffer in silence and there are so many people in the world that could benefit from his knowledge, and one never knows who may have found an answer to help others with their physical and mental issues.

Doctors do not have all the answers and man made medications are not always the solution either so reaching out to others is a good way to find new methods and new treatments. People are afraid to show their real selves to the world for fear of rejection but what he doesn’t realize is he would not be rejected in fact quite the opposite as he would be embraced by the world if only he could see that. He could be writing books, doing tours and talks and making a ton of money if that is what he wanted.

He feels safe in the arena he has always been in and is afraid to step out into the world and be himself. I know I am nothing to him but if he would only take my hand I would lead him and guide him and protect him but he doesn’t even see me and I cannot make him open his eyes and see who I really am. I was put here for a reason and God knows what that reason is and it includes Gabriel if only he would let me help him.

Used To Be

I used to

Be famous

I used to 

Be the man

Then time

Came along

And robbed

Me of my 

Hand

The women

Wanted all

Of me

But that

Wasn’t true

And I could 

See

They wanted

The good 

Times

And none

Of the bad

They couldn’t

See I was

No longer

A strong

Young lad

I was ill

I was poor

But they

Always

Wanted so

Much more

They wanted

My name

They wanted

To be photographed

With my face

But out of

The blue

A woman

Came that

I began to

Knew

She didn’t

Know I had

been famous

She didn’t know

That I had been

Wealthy

She didn’t

Care who

I had been

Because only

I could

Remember when

She saw my

Pain

She saw my

Moods

She saw

How much

I enjoyed 

Nudes

She didn’t

Want money

She didn’t

Want fame

She wanted

My name

But it

Wasn’t the

Same

She wanted

Me to enjoy

Life

She wanted

To help

Control my

Pain

She wanted

To be

A real wife

She just

Wanted me

To enjoy

My life

No money

No fame

No fancy

Cars

No more

Shame

See saw 

Who I was

And who 

I could be

If I hadn’t

Let her go

I would

Have been

Able to see

I am a man

That has

Suffered

A man that

Always has

Pain

This woman

Was not

Special

She just wanted

My name

To be there

For me 

When my tears

Rolled down

My face

To hold

My hand

And tell

Me it 

Was no

disgrace

She wanted

To hold

Me when

I felt lonely

And she wanted

To kiss me

And wanted

Me to see

That her love

For me

Was without

Cost

As it was

Totally free

Finally Free

When you are old

And can no longer walk

You will tell people

When you talk

I was a young fool

And lost the one

That would

Have wiped my drool

She loved me so

But I let her go

I know she

Loved me

But I couldn’t

See

The person

She loved

Was the

Real me

I pushed

Her away

And when

It was to

Late

I realized

She was

My soul 

Mate

She loved

Me for me

But I couldn’t

See 

The woman

She was

The woman

She would be

All she

Wanted 

Was to

Take Care

Of me

She begged

Me once

She begged

Me twice

She just

Wanted

To be 

My wife

She wanted

To hold

My hand

When I 

Could no

Longer stand

She wanted

to be 

By my 

Side

When I 

Laid in

My death

Bed

Looking

Back on

My life

She didn’t

Care that

I was old

And poor

All she

Cared about

Was giving

Me more

More time

To remember

More time

to be to me

To play

With my

Grandchildren

And at last

Be there 

When I

Was finally

Free

 

Let Her Be

Who are you now

Not who you were?

You have changed

You are new

And quite different

Why have you given in

And given up?

Why do you not accept

What God has placed

Upon your shoulders?

Why do you want

To go back in time

Life wasn’t truly

That fine

You sacrificed much

You gave away yourself

Now you are just one

No more crowd

No more fun

It’s just you 

And a new life

Bur you refuse

To accept the strive

You feel lost

You feel like a failure

You want peace

You want fame again

You think you can

Survive all alone

You think there is

A rainbow of

Just one color

And you choose

To be alone

You are being

Locked up in

An empty room

You rest

You eat

You live on

The computer

If you let 

Someone in

WIll that 

Destroy the

Person that you are

If you open 

Your heart

Do you 

Think she

Will tear it apart?

Do not fear

What may appear

To be a dream

That you cannot

Have

But the dream

Is real

The woman

Does feel

Your pain

And your anger

And she is here

To love you

And to take care of

Your needs

Let her in

Let her show

You the way

To a quiet place

Where peace lies

Let her be

The one that

WIll marry you

And take care of

You when times

Are tough

She will

Always be there 

When times are rough

I Am Learning

I have realized I am doing one of the worse things a parent can do, getting to wrapped up in my children’s lives and using them to hide behind. I love my kids and want the best for them but as long as I stay focused on being sure they are happy I am hiding from seeking my own happiness. The problem with getting to wrapped up in your children is they grow up and the no longer need you as they once did and you are on your own.

They no longer cuddle with you on the couch, asking questions becomes random and they off doing sports or with their friends and there is no room for you any longer. Our children want predictability, they want to know that you are there when they need you but they do not want you around when they are with their friends as they get older, which is understandable as they are learning to stand on their own two feet and you are there to catch them when they fall.

It’s tough being a teenager in this world and so many parents either do not pay any attention to their children or they take over their lives by doing their homework and making life easy for them, both are huge mistakes. I really do not know what I will do when my kids are gone as we have such a unique relationship, my daughter doesn’t want me to leave the state but my health can no longer take the weather here so I must move when Ry is in college.

I am not a strict parent but I do put my foot down at times and the kids know I am serious, I am able to laugh and joke with them regularly and we enjoy each other’s company but Shel is so wrapped up in her first true love that she has lost sight of the importance of family. I am not the best mom and having bipolar disorder has been difficult on them but now that it is finally under control things are so much better.

I do not want to get involved with anyone because I am truthful and I do tell the person that I have bipolar and of course they turn and run because no one wants to be involved with someone with a mental disorder and that does hurt. People reject you immediately for being mentally ill and refuse to give you a chance and that is why I do not date or look for anyone to be involved with. People are cruel and ignorant and if they do accept your illness they try to play the kids which goes over like a lead fart.

My kids want me to date and to get involved and to remarry and be happy but they do not realize it isn’t that easy especially at my age. I do not look my age nor act it but the disability is the killer and destroys any type of relationship I have ever tried to start. I let the person know up front because I believe people should know the truth and if they turn and high tail it then that tells me all I need to know. I have accepted that I will be rejected on a regular basis so I no longer put myself in the position of rejection as I just stay by myself and stay home where I am safe from the world that is so cruel.

I do not expect to ever have anyone interested in me for me because the mental illness is like telling someone you have aids and they want nothing to do with you even though I am doing so well you wouldn’t even know that I have the illness. I live a very lonely existence but at least I am not being constantly rejected which does nothing but tear me down and I will not allow that to happen to me ever again.

I have been hurt by so many men but I still want one in my life but I will not compromise myself or lie to anyone as my husband did that to me and I still feel betrayed to this day. I am no different than anyone else, I want to share my life with another, be happy, laugh, make memories and be silly but that has yet to come to me but I know one day it will when I least expect it. I am not running from what makes life difficult and I am not ashamed of it either and never will be.

What I have learned from my illness has given me the knowledge to help others and I find much pleasure out of helping others and God obviously made me this way for a reason and I do not condemn him but thank him even though life has been damn hard. My illness does not define me as a person and never will and I have learned so much by being ill as I have had quite a difficult time dealing with people and have made many a enemy in my lifetime.

I am just so happy that I have finally gotten this beast under control and am content with my life, I no longer am desperate for love and no longer dream of what or ask why of God. There are many gifted people being struck with illnesses that have deprived them of the person they once were and they have a choice, either use the disability for the good of mankind or give up and just wait to die. I am not famous and never will be but I don’t need to be to help others.

Someone I love has several illnesses that has changed his life tremendously and he is having difficulty with the person he is as he hasn’t fully accepted how he is changing. Men tend to have a much harder time accepting the loss of their abilities as that is how men are defined by themselves. There position in life is who they think they are and when they can no longer perform as they used to they lose the person that they are.

I watched my husband lose himself when his leg was amputated, no I did not leave him or run away as it didn’t make a difference to me that he lost his leg but it made a huge difference to him and really affected his psyche. Society has put so much pressure on men to be a certain way and if they are not then they are not considered a real man, this is bullshit plain bullshit and this is why men have such a difficult time accepting the changes in their lives that are not planned.

Men are taught not to show their feelings, not to cry or show weakness and this is so damaging to the male that it affects everyone around them when they try to hide their emotions and their personal failures as they see it. I never looked at my husband as a failure but he did and I could never get him to look beyond that because he had to rely on me to  straighten out the finances, carry the health insurance and do things he no longer could do.

I never looked down on him or expected him to be superman but he did as that was the way he was raised. The man took care of his family not the wife and it bothered him so much that I was the one that was able to set us up to survive. He began to resent me and was angry because I was now the “man” of the house which was not true but in his mind it was and he started to treat me like shit because he felt I was competing with him.

You have to let a man be a man and you have to encourage them to open up to you and let out their pain and talk about what is really bothering them as so many little things can become big things that affect the man and his ego. The worse thing that can happen to a man is he loses his ego by having it slowly destroyed by his mate and this happens regularly, I think building a man up is more important then taking over and leaving them out of the loop.

If you find a man that is good then take him by the hand and keep him in the loop, encourage him, support him, love him, respect him and when he gives up then it’s your responsibility to kick him in the ass and make him keep moving forward. Love isn’t a paycheck, love is fame and fortune, love isn’t being worshipped love is unconditional and you accept everything about the person and help them rediscover life is worth living.

The Offer

Mr. Batistuta,

                                  Sir what is it you want from me? I am in no way near your league and do not run in the same circles that you do. I have nothing to give to you so I am wondering what it is that keeps you hacking my computer and following my every move online.

You do not know me and certainly are not in love with me, so what is it you really want from me? I realize you were at the top of your game six years ago but now your life has changed.

Do you not realize the power you have to help so many others? Do you not realize having fibromaylasia and borderline personality disorder is not a crime? It is not to be ashamed of? Do you not realize the people you could help and to inspire?

Why have you not written an autobiography of your life the good and the bad? Why have you chosen not to share your difficulties and your personal fights as well as triumphs with your illnesses?

Why can’t you see you are not a failure but to be admired by so many for accepting your illnesses and dealing with them? Do not be ashamed and do not hide, you didn’t when the crowd cheered you, you didn’t when the bronze statue was erected to honor you, you didn’t when you won money and donated it.

You have a fantastic life story that would be so inspirational to children and adults alike. You thrive from writing and poetry so share that with the world and let the world know life isn’t over because disabilities take over.

I am sorry your marriage became disappointment but realize people grow and they change and God makes us  go different ways to improve our life and to do other things. 

I could help you learn to deal with the pain better and I also could help you with the depression and the risks you take that you shouldn’t but I am not in your life and you don’t appear to want me there.

I understand you have been very hurt and have involved yourself  with the wrong people but that happens to all of us and you just happen to be famous and more vulnerable.

You appear to look at yourself as a big mistake but that is not true, not one bit I can not tell you how awesome of a soccer player you were because I never followed the game but I do know there are so many people who admire you to this day.

If you ever decide to share your life story please do not use a ghost writer as you can write your own story better than anyone. You could add tons of pictures and a cd and sell it, do book signings and bring notice to the illnesses that plague your life.

Sometimes, we have to look at good that comes from the bad and the opportunities that present themselves are there for a reason.  I know you have suffered tremendously but do not know the degree of your pain and will not attempt to pretend that I do.

I do not want anything from you but to encourage you and see you grow in the direction that will change your life for the better. I used to think I was perfect for you but only you can make that decision and I will not chase you or bribe you to meet me.

Your son is wonderful and he comes to me in my dreams, I know you think I am crazy and that is fine but he tells me much about you and his heart is sad for you as he knows you are unhappy. 

I am inviting you to come visit me so I may teach you how to help control your pain and your mood swings, I am not a doctor but have much experience in this area as I have my own disability to deal with.

I do not expect you to accept my invitation but I can promise you this I am no fan of yours as I do not know shit about soccer but I am reaching my hand out to you to help you improve your life, if you choose. If you are interested in learning some new techniques call me 734-236-4386. I do not expect to hear from you as I am sure you think I am some wacko. P.S. you need more rest, you do not sleep enough at night.

My best to you and your son, Kimberly

Finally

My son and I were talking and he asked me why I called the police on him and made him go to school when his dad was dying, I never did any such thing and I have no idea where Ry comes up with this shit but it really upset because I wanted the kids to spend time with their dad, not the last two days as he was so weak he couldn’t even bend is head forward to throw up all the blood and I had to lean him forward as he threw up blood all over himself and I.

I would clean him up and change him and he would do it again, over and over and it ripped by heart out but I couldn’t leave him alone I didn’t care that I was covered in his blood but to have the kids see that no way. It was so traumatic for me let alone the kids would have been devastated. Now my son tells me that my husband’s x wife told my son that his father cheated on her, why in the hell is she telling my son shit like that?

What happened between my husband and his x is between them and does not include my son, how dare her tell my son something that may be true but puts my husband in a poor light? Damn, women are fucked up and to say anything negative about my husband to his son just isn’t right, especially with his dad dead. I told my son that his dad told me that he was separated and started seeing someone and I didn’t know the real truth only what I was told.

I told Ry that people remember things differently and that Kaye had no business discussing that with him and do not believe everything he hears from my husband’s x wife or his kids. Damn this pisses me off because the kids are just now beginning to deal with the loss of their dad and they do not need to hear any negative shit from people that have had no involvement with their lives until recently. I do not believe that anyone should talk about their x to children in a poor light and it’s just wrong.

I tear up when I’m talking about Bob with the kids unless we are talking about something funny, then we get a good laugh and that is good for all of us. I tell the kids the truth and I tell them I loved their dad because I did and I miss him because I do but that doesn’t mean we were happy together because we were not but the kids do not need to know the details of our relationship. The one thing I do not understand is how Shel could be attracted to a guy with so much anger, now that I think of it Bob was filled with anger but he kept it hid. Shel’s boyfriend is the same way and even the counselor told him he should seek counseling for his anger.

Of course Leo doesn’t think he has an anger problem but I thought he was going to hit me one day and now I will not allow him to enter my home ever again. No one but no one will ever hit me again, I had a boyfriend that blackened my eye and then the rape but no more, no one will ever hit me again and I am fearful for Shel because if Leo ever raised a hand to her, God help him as I will not have either of my children abused. If a girl ever hits Ry and he has done nothing inappropriate, God help her as I will not stand for physical abuse of either of my children, no I just will not tolerate it.

I think back to when I was young and a boyfriend beat on me regularly and I kept accepting his apologizes until there was someone that was interested in me and treated me the way I should be treated. Trying to get rid of the abuser was very difficult, so difficult I actually had to move in the middle of the night so he couldn’t find me. I swore when I was old enough to get away from my mother no one would ever hit me again and there I was letting the pattern repeat itself.

I knew that I had to stop it or I would end up abusing my children one day and there was no way I was going to repeat my childhood through my children. Slapping my son haunts the hell out of me and I have never even slapped anyone I ever dated or any male for that matter. I cannot take it back but I know for a fact I will never ever raise a hand to anyone again because it’s wrong, just plain wrong to hit your kids, spanking when they are little is one thing but hitting them is completely different.

I believe that is why I want to be loved so bad, because I never had it and the way I feel about someone has shown me how good it does feel to love but unfortunately I haven’t been the recipient from him. I like the feeling of love for another besides my kids as I never thought I could love a man but I can and that makes me feel good because then I am somewhat normal at least. I have never loved another man my entire life until him and it is scary and it hurts because it has left me vulnerable and an easy target.

I have finally gotten past that three years later but it still hurts to know that the feelings are not mutual and never were but that is part of life that I have had to accept. It’s ok that he doesn’t love me because I love him and I love myself finally. He has taught me how to get strong, not be used and I like that, I like myself for finally realizing my own worth and even though there will never come a day that he sees my worth, I’m ok with that to.