I Am Learning

I have realized I am doing one of the worse things a parent can do, getting to wrapped up in my children’s lives and using them to hide behind. I love my kids and want the best for them but as long as I stay focused on being sure they are happy I am hiding from seeking my own happiness. The problem with getting to wrapped up in your children is they grow up and the no longer need you as they once did and you are on your own.

They no longer cuddle with you on the couch, asking questions becomes random and they off doing sports or with their friends and there is no room for you any longer. Our children want predictability, they want to know that you are there when they need you but they do not want you around when they are with their friends as they get older, which is understandable as they are learning to stand on their own two feet and you are there to catch them when they fall.

It’s tough being a teenager in this world and so many parents either do not pay any attention to their children or they take over their lives by doing their homework and making life easy for them, both are huge mistakes. I really do not know what I will do when my kids are gone as we have such a unique relationship, my daughter doesn’t want me to leave the state but my health can no longer take the weather here so I must move when Ry is in college.

I am not a strict parent but I do put my foot down at times and the kids know I am serious, I am able to laugh and joke with them regularly and we enjoy each other’s company but Shel is so wrapped up in her first true love that she has lost sight of the importance of family. I am not the best mom and having bipolar disorder has been difficult on them but now that it is finally under control things are so much better.

I do not want to get involved with anyone because I am truthful and I do tell the person that I have bipolar and of course they turn and run because no one wants to be involved with someone with a mental disorder and that does hurt. People reject you immediately for being mentally ill and refuse to give you a chance and that is why I do not date or look for anyone to be involved with. People are cruel and ignorant and if they do accept your illness they try to play the kids which goes over like a lead fart.

My kids want me to date and to get involved and to remarry and be happy but they do not realize it isn’t that easy especially at my age. I do not look my age nor act it but the disability is the killer and destroys any type of relationship I have ever tried to start. I let the person know up front because I believe people should know the truth and if they turn and high tail it then that tells me all I need to know. I have accepted that I will be rejected on a regular basis so I no longer put myself in the position of rejection as I just stay by myself and stay home where I am safe from the world that is so cruel.

I do not expect to ever have anyone interested in me for me because the mental illness is like telling someone you have aids and they want nothing to do with you even though I am doing so well you wouldn’t even know that I have the illness. I live a very lonely existence but at least I am not being constantly rejected which does nothing but tear me down and I will not allow that to happen to me ever again.

I have been hurt by so many men but I still want one in my life but I will not compromise myself or lie to anyone as my husband did that to me and I still feel betrayed to this day. I am no different than anyone else, I want to share my life with another, be happy, laugh, make memories and be silly but that has yet to come to me but I know one day it will when I least expect it. I am not running from what makes life difficult and I am not ashamed of it either and never will be.

What I have learned from my illness has given me the knowledge to help others and I find much pleasure out of helping others and God obviously made me this way for a reason and I do not condemn him but thank him even though life has been damn hard. My illness does not define me as a person and never will and I have learned so much by being ill as I have had quite a difficult time dealing with people and have made many a enemy in my lifetime.

I am just so happy that I have finally gotten this beast under control and am content with my life, I no longer am desperate for love and no longer dream of what or ask why of God. There are many gifted people being struck with illnesses that have deprived them of the person they once were and they have a choice, either use the disability for the good of mankind or give up and just wait to die. I am not famous and never will be but I don’t need to be to help others.

Someone I love has several illnesses that has changed his life tremendously and he is having difficulty with the person he is as he hasn’t fully accepted how he is changing. Men tend to have a much harder time accepting the loss of their abilities as that is how men are defined by themselves. There position in life is who they think they are and when they can no longer perform as they used to they lose the person that they are.

I watched my husband lose himself when his leg was amputated, no I did not leave him or run away as it didn’t make a difference to me that he lost his leg but it made a huge difference to him and really affected his psyche. Society has put so much pressure on men to be a certain way and if they are not then they are not considered a real man, this is bullshit plain bullshit and this is why men have such a difficult time accepting the changes in their lives that are not planned.

Men are taught not to show their feelings, not to cry or show weakness and this is so damaging to the male that it affects everyone around them when they try to hide their emotions and their personal failures as they see it. I never looked at my husband as a failure but he did and I could never get him to look beyond that because he had to rely on me to  straighten out the finances, carry the health insurance and do things he no longer could do.

I never looked down on him or expected him to be superman but he did as that was the way he was raised. The man took care of his family not the wife and it bothered him so much that I was the one that was able to set us up to survive. He began to resent me and was angry because I was now the “man” of the house which was not true but in his mind it was and he started to treat me like shit because he felt I was competing with him.

You have to let a man be a man and you have to encourage them to open up to you and let out their pain and talk about what is really bothering them as so many little things can become big things that affect the man and his ego. The worse thing that can happen to a man is he loses his ego by having it slowly destroyed by his mate and this happens regularly, I think building a man up is more important then taking over and leaving them out of the loop.

If you find a man that is good then take him by the hand and keep him in the loop, encourage him, support him, love him, respect him and when he gives up then it’s your responsibility to kick him in the ass and make him keep moving forward. Love isn’t a paycheck, love is fame and fortune, love isn’t being worshipped love is unconditional and you accept everything about the person and help them rediscover life is worth living.

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