Open Spaces

I would like to go on a vacation with my son and leave Shelby at home as she traveled to Europe and Ry has never been anywhere really. He loves water but he has skin that has to be covered in sun screen or he burns really bad. I think it would be great if we went on a cruise or somewhere, just us as he so enjoys hanging with just me but of course mom does get boring so it would have to be some place where other kids would be.

I wish I knew a great location with an awesome water park but of course I do not, I was looking at a place in Jamaica but I don’t know as I am not well versed as a traveler. He liked the Disney cruise and would like to do that again but I would like him to see other places around the world. He gets on so well with other kids now that he is on meds and I am so happy for that as a kid without friends is not a happy child and I know because I was one of those kids others made fun of.

I wish Gabriel would get his head out of his ass and all four of us could go on a vacation which would be nice, but then again his son doesn’t know me or even know of me and that could upset him and I do not want to do that. We could get separate rooms with Ry and I in one and Gabriel and his son in the other, I would like to get to know him without the sex involved because sex can happen anytime but I prefer to get to know the person.

I guess I am just old fashioned but who knows I might talk to him for ten minutes and throw his ass down and just take some, lol. Then I would fall in the same category as his groupies and I do not want that. I do not want him to look at me as the same old same old because I am not and never will be. Who knows he may be madly in love with someone and planning to get married this month or next so I cannot allow myself to dream of dreams that are pie in the sky dreams.

I really miss having a family and the kids around as the house is just a house and nothing more, I look at the kitchen table and wonder if there will ever be another family dinner at it or will I continue to sit in front of the tv eating my meals and not even tasting them. I make my kids favorite foods forgetting they are not even here and Janet and I sit and eat them and I send the left overs home with Janet. Janet is so damn funny and sweet, she told me I was the best cook she had ever met and she loves my cooking, wow what a compliment.

She wants my recipes but i told her I don’t have any as I just throw shit together from left overs or I experiment and she says she doesn’t believe me, lol but it is true. I do not like to waste food so I come up with shit that some how tastes really good from left overs. I wish I could have her move in but I do not know where I am headed in a few years and her only income is SSI and she gets section 8 housing assistance so that makes thinks difficult.

I don’t know what it is about Aquarians but I seem to get along with them so great Janet and my son are both Aquarius’s and we have such a great relationship. Most people only can dream of the type of relationship we have and I thank God everyday for both of them as they are so damn smart, funny, understanding and just cool people. Most think I am touched because I believe in astrology but fuck them I don’t care what anyone thinks

My attorney even listens to me when I tell him Mercury is retrograde so at least I know he taken care of as he has taken such good care of me legally. I could be a billionaire and I would still use him as I have so much trust in him. He is currently taking care of the jerk that ripped me off and my felony issue and Trevor is dealing with issues surrounding my dad so I am covered by to really good attorneys and I will be fine financially in several years.

I wish Gabriel would have more faith in himself as he is so intelligent and he could do anything his heart desired, yes soccer is over but he lived a great life and made a great name for himself and still has a great name and much influence on so many people. He is a private person but he must realize he need not suffer in silence and there are so many people in the world that could benefit from his knowledge, and one never knows who may have found an answer to help others with their physical and mental issues.

Doctors do not have all the answers and man made medications are not always the solution either so reaching out to others is a good way to find new methods and new treatments. People are afraid to show their real selves to the world for fear of rejection but what he doesn’t realize is he would not be rejected in fact quite the opposite as he would be embraced by the world if only he could see that. He could be writing books, doing tours and talks and making a ton of money if that is what he wanted.

He feels safe in the arena he has always been in and is afraid to step out into the world and be himself. I know I am nothing to him but if he would only take my hand I would lead him and guide him and protect him but he doesn’t even see me and I cannot make him open his eyes and see who I really am. I was put here for a reason and God knows what that reason is and it includes Gabriel if only he would let me help him.

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