The Importance

I’m looking forward to spending time with the kids one on one as we all have grown and we need to grow together as a family. We are in individual counseling and when we have finally reached a certain point Barbara will have us do family counseling, I think this is a really good thing for us and anyone can use counseling when there is a major adjustment going on. THe kids and I are dealing with so much that we have ran from for way to long.

I told Shelby that I made “taco meat” today, she likes when I deep fry a flour tortilla and shape it into a taco and then I pressure cook stewing beef and then add it to gravy and put that filling in the shell and at mexican cheese. She loves them that way and I invited her over this week to have a couple, we aren’t suppose to see each other just yet but hey, I can’t keep the meat forever without freezing it and I don’t want to do that.

I’m going to have Ry start cooking with me, he likes to cook and we can talk when we’re cooking, cooking is something I really enjoy and I know Ryan is going to have to get better at cooking if he plans on eating once he gets a girlfriend. He is going to have to cook because I have no doubt she can’t cook hardly anything. I’m so looking forward to him coming home but I am also looking at a vacation next month as I really need one.

It would be nice if he was there but I’m not playing the “I’m black game” and he sends someone black to meet me, fuck that shit. If he is involved fuck it, he’s involved and if he is feeling bad over me, paleeeeese do not waste the energy. Find your happiness luv and enjoy the world around you and who you are, don’t dance to anyone’s tune and do not change for anyone, it’s not worth it. So tell me, is she the lab assistant or someone else? Just curious the importance of truth can really be helpful to someone, if you ever cared.

Life Is A Changing

It’s so odd how things happen like my court thing this a.m. it was a very serious hearing where I could have lost the kids for good but I wasn’t one bit concerned. I knew things where going to be fine but poor Ryan was a nervous wreck. We have a relationship that is so deep I cannot even begin to explain. I’m sure you understand the feeling and how rewarding it is as a parent bet you have learned so much about yourself that you never knew was inside you.

I’m really happy for you, seriously I am so happy for you as nothing makes me feel better than someone I know finally being happy, I’m always happy for others as it is heart warming. I think we would have a riot together honestly I do, you are just if not more into kinky sex and erotic shit, we are two very horny people and I will admit that. I admit it my fantasies are all about you, ok there I have said it now (BIG EXHALE) Lol. You have known that all along and you are not one bit shocked, I know you know me so well, right? Lol, I can say that you are quite predictable though. 

Try doing something that would make me realize I am even alive to you, tell me did O hurt you so bad that you are really confused? Ok fuck it, though I’d through a dart and see if I hit bullseye but I can see I hit the bathroom 100 ft. down. so what the fuck I can’t play darts, sue me. You know when we get hurt we always have one thing to look forward to, the day we can replace the feeling of love and quit aching for our past to be different.

You know, you being happy really makes me smile and warms my heart because you are getting better everyday as things are changing in your life, so much for the better. You need to either get drunk or act silly take your pick because you’re becoming a bit stodgy old boy, lol. Life can be so wonderful and you can feel so complete but it is up to you and if you want me to forget about you please let me know, please be kind is all I ask.

That is That!

Ok, I’m just a bit curious, do you consider yourself crazier than a june bug or a cicada? I kind of think a june bug but then one never knows how the one looks at themselves. You could be as crazy as a cicada who the fuck knows all I know is they stay dormant underground for like 29 years. So is that what you have been doing? Hiding? Do you really think you are that fucked up or are you doing to much deep thinking? How about I give you a deep back rub and let your worries go away for a while?

Yes, I am straight forward and do not give a fuck what anyone thinks, yes I say fuck to much but not around my kids, ha ha! Gotcha there didn’t I? Figured I just let profanity roll of my tongue at any old given time, well fuck you’re wrong ok? I have follow thru to it’s just that sometimes it takes me a while to get the follow and the thru together but I  always do, somehow lol. You see how I laugh at my stupid ass? I have a question maybe you can explain to me.

Why are people so gutless that they would rather cheat than be honest? What the hell are the afraid of, they aren’t losing anything as they have already made the first move to sever the relationship. So tell me, why? Am I so naïve that I don’t get it? Don’t you love the excuses? It’s not you, it’s me, I am just confused, I’m not sure what I want? Aren’t they a fucking joke? The reality from my view point is because they are fearful of your reaction.

They don’t want to deal with the tears, the why’s and what for’s, I’ll change, what can I do to make it better? No one wants to hear any of those and they don’t want to explain, they just want to go on the merry fucking way while your heart is crushed and your ego flushed. I’m watching the coolest movie 21, it rocks these fucking kids are so talents, so smart, anyway and don’t you just love shitty you feel after they take the last of their things?

You want to stop them, block the door, beg them but you don’t because it really is to humiliating and you already know it isn’t going to work so you let them go just like the fart I let go in court this morning and everybody pretended they  didn’t hear it when all they wanted to do was bust out laughing. Everyone has their ideal mate in their mind and they want perfect even though perfect doesn exist and never will but all of us have that fantasy that we want to fulfill with another.

We build such high expectations of every relationship we get involved in and when they go sour we are so hurt and disappointed and think it is us because we are the “crazy” one and we take it so damn personal that we second guess ourselves when the truth is, we should be second guessing the one we were involved with. People don’t just wake up one morning and say to themselves “I am going to cheat today at 11:45 and I am going to fuck their brains out”. The signs are there but we chose to ignore them because if we admitted to ourselves that the signs were there all along then we would have had to deal with them and who in the sam hell wants to deal with heartbreak?

Nobody I know for sure including me but I haven’t had heartbreak since I was 14 and my first true love dumped me for a much older girl. Hell I was 13 when I met him and he dumped me for a 16 yr. old, you want to talk devastating? I was fucking devastated for years, literally. I didn’t have any interest in anything for about six months and no interest in dating until the end of my Junior year, I finally realized we were never getting back together, a fucking year and a half later it took to digest that pain. Looking back I have to laugh because the ages but that goes to show how hard a kid takes rejection and it’s no different as an adult.

We tend to forget they life is a complete circle as we start out as infants then babies, then toddlers and on up until we are back in diapers again. My point being is we are all children inside but some of us prefer to keep that side of ourselves locked up as it is “immature”, which I say is fucking bullshit. When you get hurt you tend to lean on your children to fill the hours we used to fill with our mate and then we start to discover the world isn’t all that ugly after all.

Then we get to the point that we realize we are suffocating our kids to fill our loneliness and we begin to want to have “big people” relationships and we start to look for a different type of person because life is different now with a kid. You begin to want the feel of another human being, you want adult conversations, you want to tell dirty jokes and drink wine with another and you want romance again, you want love, you want someone to listen to you and someone to bitch at you, sometimes. Yes we even miss those little arguments that kept things in line.

It’s ok and it will be alright hon, I may not be the woman for you even though I do believe I am, but you will start to realize change if you haven’t already, I am sure you have though. Kids are great aren’t they? They’re so damn smart and surprise the hell out of us with shit we would have never expected. Thais what’s cool as they are always entertaining and teaching us something. All I can say is I hate fake bitches and that is that!

My Ass

I just read my last post and I will tell you I had to laugh, everything I typed I truly believe and how simple it is to look at the world differently when you get a mind set. I really do think we get to into ourselves and get depressed but we can beat that hon, we really can. Hey, if you don’t have a girl we could be friends and keep it at that if you like. I look at life differently lately and friendship works for me.

I do not want to jump into anything as I am not ready for that and I am from the 60’s when things went slow and people got to know each other. At this point I do not know if you want anything with me or not and it’s fine if you don’t. I can’t change your thinking and wouldn’t want to. I like you and wish you would lighten up on yourself as you have all you need there with your child. If there is no room in your life for my children and myself I understand that also.

I’m open to any type of relationship you would like, that is if you even want one as I really do not know. All I know is you are very happy with Sh and I am so happy for you, you have no idea. Life changes so much when we have our children as they are our world. I really wish all five of us could get together one day because I think it would be really great for all of us but it is a scary thought for me at least.  I want a relationship but frankly, I am scared to death to even attempt one.

I have no idea what I am afraid of but I am really afraid of getting involved and I don’t want to be pushed to quickly. Everyone wants to get laid and forget about knowing each other a little bit first. I really would like to spend time with you alone but you don’t seem to be interested as you keep lieing to me. I no longer have you or “Frankies” phone numbers as I keep only the numbers that call me regularly and we both know you do not qualify.

I do not mean to be rude or to upset you but I have feeling for you and if you don’t want me to have these feelings then let me know so I can put some closure on this virtual relationship that I seem to be having with myself. Thank you as well for helping me as you really have and I won’t go into the how’s but thank you, you really helped grow up and see things differently as I was obviously stuck in a time warp or just had my head clean up my ass.

That’s All

Today has been totally awesome, things went great in court regarding the kids, Ryan will be coming home as soon as the judge signs the paperwork and Shelby later on. Ryan wants one on one time with me and I am so looking forward to that. My kids are the driving force that has gotten me where I am at today even though I will never be totally better and healed permanently I am almost as close as I can get which is fantastic.

Kids have a way of making you look at yourself in a different light, a different frame of mind and they make you see what is important and deal with what you have ran from for so long. My kids are beautiful and have literally saved my life. I have accepted that I am a damaged individual but the truth is everyone is damaged to a certain degree and there is no longer “normal” in this society. How could there possibly “normal” in this world with the way people are today?

Is normal eating fast food for every meal? Is normal letting your kids eat frozen dinners every night because you don’t get home until 9 p.m.? Is normal playing on play stations and xboxes and never going outside to play with other kids? Is normal smoking cigarettes and weed at 8 years old? Tell that is normal and I will tell you that is as far from normal as a fived legged cow. There are so many people that think they are the “unnatural” are convinced of bullshit, we are not as screwed up as we think.

Just got off the phone with Janet and as we were talking I told her the strangest thing, “Janet, you know? I do not have a care in the world, I use to worry about everything and now I don’t have a worry in the world. This is so weird because I’m used to worrying about everything, not a care in the fucking world”. It is true I am not worried about a single thing and that includes the man I love, I am so glad he is finding the love he has really needed for so long.

There is no other kind of love then you can get when you have a child, the love for a child is incomparable and there is not another type of love in the world. It is special, unique it is a mini you and you can see your reflection in a child. Once you have a child your world completely changes, life is no longer just about you and now you are working on building a family again. It takes time, patience, understanding and a whole lot of love.

I cannot explain to a childless couple the emotions that are exposed to someone and you were always afraid to expose those emotions even to your partner. Sometimes, the relationship between parent and child can be the healing source in your life. Children take our focus off ourselves and makes us look at the world differently and it’s also difficult to be a one parent family, trying to rebuild a life that was once four is now only three and soon to be two.

Shelby will be going to college and off growing up and learning to live her own life and I don’t know who I am going to deal with that and then Ryan will be gone in three short years and I am really going to go nuts without him but he will be going to college at Western in Kalamazoo so we can see each other every weekend if he has time for me. Ryan will fly and he will be soaring like an eagle soon after he gets into college.

He is such a different child and he is the reason I am doing so good, he has given me more than he will ever know but I will be sharing this with him. He needs to be aware of how he has changed my life because I give credit where credit is do and he likes being acknowledged and should be. He is an awesome kid and way to cool for his age, he is funny like you would not believe, he has that dry humor and that is the best kind.

As far as the man that has my heart, well he is doing way to much self analyzation and he is getting way to deep into his thinking. I have been there so I do know what I am speaking of, we can analyze ourselves ten different times and come up with ten different answers. That’s why I keep my self analyzation at middle level because I can get really fucked up the deeper I go. Ya, ok I’m a fucking wacko and do not know what I am talking about.

My answer to the above is enjoy life, enjoy the time you have with those that are special to you, smile, laugh at yourself, be silly with your kid, and don’t let life get so damn serious because that is what we focus on when we are sick, don’t do it and see how your life changes. I do not believe it is a question of illness so much as it is a question of how to fix ourselves. We don’t need fixing, I agree we need a bit of tweaking but hey everyone does, we just happen to notice it, that’s all.

Sincerely

Today is the day I see the referee about letting my children come home, my son is so anxious he is having a hard time of thinking of anything else. My heart goes out to him and I pray that they do come home and I do think they will. They won’t be able to sleep in their beds until the judge signs off and who knows how long that will take as we are unimportant compared to the so many other cases. I do not think it is fair what they have done to my family but I have no say what so ever.

Child Protective Services make mistakes, a lot of mistakes and for some reason my family has suffered from their ignorance while other children that are being really harmed go unprotected. The one good thing that has come out of this is the kids get to go to college in Michigan for free and that is a blessing. Maybe this is God’s way of insuring their future since Bob spent all the money I had saved, he went through 150,000 buying nothing but shit, eating at expensive and fancy restaurants, sending Shelby on a 10,000 trip to Europe and just pissing it away.

His dad left his house to Bob and myself because he knew Bob would spend every last dime and when we were going through the divorce Bob told the mediator the house was left to him. Just another fucking lie and she believed him. She fucked me out of everything but in the end God intervened and we got back together only for him to cash in his “get out of jail” free card a month later. I know it wasn’t my fault he died but son of a bitch always took the easy way out even when he died.

I didn’t feel bad the day he died, I felt relief and freedom from the constant fear of him dieing, I know that sounds terrible but when you wake up every day for nine years wondering if you will wake next to a corpse it wears on you. I know he was very ill and I did all I could to help but God’s plan was better than mine and Bob is in heaven with both legs, he can breathe finally and he can finally be with his mother, dad and brother.

He never got a chance to say goodbye to his mother as she had a massive heart attack that killed her, his brother had a blood clot go to his heart and kill him and his dad, well his dad had numerous ailments but I believe he died of a broken heart he missed his wife so much. My son is Bob’s only son since he gave Robbie up for adoption to his first x wifes husband so he is no longer a Whale and his brother’s son Marty and Ryan are the only two to carry on the name.

My sister and I are the last Totzkay’s as my brother passed away and my sister is gay and I have my children and I cannot have anymore, which is hard for me. I lost my little Bess when I was four months pregnant with her, I was going to name her after my grandmother, she died at home with me in 1990 and I found her when I woke up in the morning. I have dealt with a lot of death and have been responsible for putting my family to rest, it’s as if God knows I am the strong one in an emergency as I do not panick and take control.

I am not crying at this moment or have I this morning as I have accepted the cards that have been dealt to me and I realize God works his magic and there is no rhyme or reason to it as far as I can tell, but who am I to question God? No one that is who I am as it is my fate that he controls and does as he sees fit and that is fine with me as I have tried to do the best I could but he seems to have stepped in and changed my grand plan as he knows better, and he does.

There has been much adversity in my life but I have gained greatly in the end so I have no complaints as life is finally smoothing out and it is finally coming together as it should. Troubled times are learning times and knowledge is stored in my brain like a bank vault from my experiences. I have no regrets, not a single one because I have learned so much and I have learned to love which I never thought possible. I love my children but that is not the same as loving another person.

I have never completely given up on myself or the man that I love but I do believe he has given up at times and has just said fuck it. I do not know if he has given up on me and if he has it is a terrible loss for both of us. We have what each other need and that is why God put us in each other’s path as we have taught each other and have learned from each other as well. If he wants to be with me he knows where I am at and if he doesn’t then hopefully he can learn something form what I type if he reads it.

I am no different than most people, I get sad, mad, angry, depressed, happy, silly, stupid and yes I do have bipolar so fuck me already as I am not perfect and never will be but I am doing better than I ever have before and one would never know that I am ill. Yip the fuck ee for a change I appear normal to the world but the world cannot see how I have o to get where I am at and no it has not been easy in fact quite the opposite as I have suffered relentlessly for years.

My mother told me I was always for the underdog and I told her if it wasn’t for people like me there would be no one to help her and that shut her the fuck up for once. I told her my dad died and before she could say a word I told her that was my father and I loved him and not to say a single negative thing because I would hang up on her and she didn’t. I have finally gotten strong enough to stand up to her when before I let her put me down and insult me but no longer.

I am for the underdog because I am an underdog and do not have the gift of being what the world calls normal, when you have a disability people will try to use it against you and you have to take a stand and stop it. No one knows the internal pain a disabled person suffers and we are harder on ourselves than any other person could possible be, we take the knocks harder, jokes we assume are about us when they aren’t, insults and put downs. 

We are made fun of and laughed at as fools, we are kicked when we are down and we are ignored when we cry for help and so many “normals” have no clue of the pain we hold in our hearts. It is a tough world to begin with but when you are disabled you have to fight harder, defend your actions and stand up for yourself when others try to shit on you. Life is so damn hard but I will not let myself be abused by anyone any longer and it has taken such along time to be able to say that sincerely.

Come Home

He is gone

His smile 

Has faded

Thoughts

Now jaded

A young boy

Treated like

A toy

Lost at sea

Without

His mother

That’s me

We belong together

Always and forever

He is my son

My only one

A boy of

Fifteen

Hardly ever

Seen

He stands alone

On the shore

Waiting for

My love

To fill him more

He is so sad

He is so alone

All he wants

Is to come

Home

He calls

Himself

The Blue Widow

He writes

Poetry

He is so 

gifted

Yet he is 

So alone

I need 

Nothing more

Than to have

Him come home

 

 

Cursum Perficio

I have traveled through this life in territories that most are fortunate enough not to have fallen into and I would not want another child to live the life I have. I have dealt with most of it and put it behind me and have learned from it and have never subjected my children to the same fate, for God I thank you for the guidance and your wisdom. I never grew up with a father figure in my life so I had no male to model my search for men after.

I was always misguided into abusive relationships and relationships that I set myself up to be used but I have finally broken that patter 52 1/2 years into my life. I was never one to want the white house with the picket fence, no I was always the one that wanted to live on a farm with tons of animals and surrounded by nature and a garden. I have always wanted the simple life that I grew up with when my grandparents took me in at 4 as my mother didn’t want to be tied down with 3 little kids.

She wanted to be a typical 20 year old running the streets and having fun but she seemed to have forgotten that she wanted to get married to leave my grandparents home so of course she got herself pregnant and in the 50’s you had to get married so in essence, she trapped my dad. They divorced when she was pregnant with my brother and then she left us in my grandmother’s car in the parking lot at Sears until my grandmother got of work.

I was happy and loved living with my grandmother and I enjoyed the summer days with my brother and my sister, my sister was molested by my uncle and drowned all of the kittens which is a sign of a child being molested as they hurt animals. I was molested as well by my uncle but I was so much younger that I do not remember how I acted out. I cannot allow myself to live in the past or to relive those days and I refuse to as there is nothing positive to gain from it.

I have tried to find the right man for me for many years without any luck and my husband was a user as well and saw the potential in me which allowed him to live a higher lifestyle than he could afford as he had lost everything in his divorce. I am a worker, a damn hard worker and I have worked sixteen hour shifts for up to seven days in a row. I am not bragging just stating a fact that I will work for what I get in this life and do not want anyone handing me anything.

Most people work to spend money on shit that is basically useless, drugs, alcohol ect. I buy weird stuff, like great smelling shampoo, body sprays and great smelling soaps. My daughter went to France two summers ago and brought me back a box o the best smelling soaps and I hoard them, lol. I hide them so only I can use them and not the kids and I know that isn’t right but I buy myself so few things and receive such fewer gifts that I really enjoy I just can’t help myself.

I couldn’t get Bob to shower for at least a week at a time once he lost his leg as it was hard for him to get into the shower and he was depressed. Depression does that to people, they sleep, don’t shower, don’t want to go anywhere or do anything but I didn’t see the signs because I was so depressed myself. When he lost his leg it affected the entire family and so much was loaded on my shoulders it took all I had to get through each day with two little kids.

As the kids grew Bob and I grew further apart and into our own worlds and we existed in the same house, there was no living going on, just existence. But I did learn a lot about medical issues and after Bob died I was so angry because I had invested almost eighteen years of my life into a marriage that was not satisfying. I know what type of man I want to spend my life with and I have finally sorted out my confusion and poor choices in men.

The man I am in love with is no angel but he is everything I have been looking for in a man for years but I do not think he will ever come to me because he cannot face me with what he has done to me in the past. I do not believe he ever will come to me because of his own shame and guilt but I have forgiven him so long ago and I understand why he did what he did, it wasn’t for greed and because it was the only way for him to survive.

It was the repercussion of a situation that had gone bad and escape was the best for him even if it meant walking away from everything he had worked for. He continues to lie to me about getting a visa and he tries to play me for a fool but he must learn that I can no longer be played and no longer buy his lies. I wish he would be the man God intended him to be and forgive himself and at least meet me and spend at least a week with me so he could see for himself the type of person I am.

I don’t want him to buy me a thing and I do not want him to be without proper healthcare and it upsets me so when he gets ill because that could be prevented. If we got married I could add him onto my healthcare and he would be taken care of but to marry someone strictly for healthcare doesn’t seem like something he would want to do. I want to take care of him and love him but he doesn’t seem to want that from me and he is no doubt involved with someone.

I hope she takes care of him and loves him because that is what everyone needs, he needs so little to be so happy and I hope he isn’t involved with someone who expects to much from him. A woman that wants a man to buy her things all the time or take her out constantly isn’t a woman worth wasting time with in my opinion but every man is different. Good sex isn’t a reason to stay with someone either but each person places value on different things.

Cursum Perficio is all I can say when I think of the man I love as it has been a very long and lonely journey which ended when he came into my life.