Today is the day I see the referee about letting my children come home, my son is so anxious he is having a hard time of thinking of anything else. My heart goes out to him and I pray that they do come home and I do think they will. They won’t be able to sleep in their beds until the judge signs off and who knows how long that will take as we are unimportant compared to the so many other cases. I do not think it is fair what they have done to my family but I have no say what so ever.
Child Protective Services make mistakes, a lot of mistakes and for some reason my family has suffered from their ignorance while other children that are being really harmed go unprotected. The one good thing that has come out of this is the kids get to go to college in Michigan for free and that is a blessing. Maybe this is God’s way of insuring their future since Bob spent all the money I had saved, he went through 150,000 buying nothing but shit, eating at expensive and fancy restaurants, sending Shelby on a 10,000 trip to Europe and just pissing it away.
His dad left his house to Bob and myself because he knew Bob would spend every last dime and when we were going through the divorce Bob told the mediator the house was left to him. Just another fucking lie and she believed him. She fucked me out of everything but in the end God intervened and we got back together only for him to cash in his “get out of jail” free card a month later. I know it wasn’t my fault he died but son of a bitch always took the easy way out even when he died.
I didn’t feel bad the day he died, I felt relief and freedom from the constant fear of him dieing, I know that sounds terrible but when you wake up every day for nine years wondering if you will wake next to a corpse it wears on you. I know he was very ill and I did all I could to help but God’s plan was better than mine and Bob is in heaven with both legs, he can breathe finally and he can finally be with his mother, dad and brother.
He never got a chance to say goodbye to his mother as she had a massive heart attack that killed her, his brother had a blood clot go to his heart and kill him and his dad, well his dad had numerous ailments but I believe he died of a broken heart he missed his wife so much. My son is Bob’s only son since he gave Robbie up for adoption to his first x wifes husband so he is no longer a Whale and his brother’s son Marty and Ryan are the only two to carry on the name.
My sister and I are the last Totzkay’s as my brother passed away and my sister is gay and I have my children and I cannot have anymore, which is hard for me. I lost my little Bess when I was four months pregnant with her, I was going to name her after my grandmother, she died at home with me in 1990 and I found her when I woke up in the morning. I have dealt with a lot of death and have been responsible for putting my family to rest, it’s as if God knows I am the strong one in an emergency as I do not panick and take control.
I am not crying at this moment or have I this morning as I have accepted the cards that have been dealt to me and I realize God works his magic and there is no rhyme or reason to it as far as I can tell, but who am I to question God? No one that is who I am as it is my fate that he controls and does as he sees fit and that is fine with me as I have tried to do the best I could but he seems to have stepped in and changed my grand plan as he knows better, and he does.
There has been much adversity in my life but I have gained greatly in the end so I have no complaints as life is finally smoothing out and it is finally coming together as it should. Troubled times are learning times and knowledge is stored in my brain like a bank vault from my experiences. I have no regrets, not a single one because I have learned so much and I have learned to love which I never thought possible. I love my children but that is not the same as loving another person.
I have never completely given up on myself or the man that I love but I do believe he has given up at times and has just said fuck it. I do not know if he has given up on me and if he has it is a terrible loss for both of us. We have what each other need and that is why God put us in each other’s path as we have taught each other and have learned from each other as well. If he wants to be with me he knows where I am at and if he doesn’t then hopefully he can learn something form what I type if he reads it.
I am no different than most people, I get sad, mad, angry, depressed, happy, silly, stupid and yes I do have bipolar so fuck me already as I am not perfect and never will be but I am doing better than I ever have before and one would never know that I am ill. Yip the fuck ee for a change I appear normal to the world but the world cannot see how I have o to get where I am at and no it has not been easy in fact quite the opposite as I have suffered relentlessly for years.
My mother told me I was always for the underdog and I told her if it wasn’t for people like me there would be no one to help her and that shut her the fuck up for once. I told her my dad died and before she could say a word I told her that was my father and I loved him and not to say a single negative thing because I would hang up on her and she didn’t. I have finally gotten strong enough to stand up to her when before I let her put me down and insult me but no longer.
I am for the underdog because I am an underdog and do not have the gift of being what the world calls normal, when you have a disability people will try to use it against you and you have to take a stand and stop it. No one knows the internal pain a disabled person suffers and we are harder on ourselves than any other person could possible be, we take the knocks harder, jokes we assume are about us when they aren’t, insults and put downs.
We are made fun of and laughed at as fools, we are kicked when we are down and we are ignored when we cry for help and so many “normals” have no clue of the pain we hold in our hearts. It is a tough world to begin with but when you are disabled you have to fight harder, defend your actions and stand up for yourself when others try to shit on you. Life is so damn hard but I will not let myself be abused by anyone any longer and it has taken such along time to be able to say that sincerely.