Anticipation

  Sometimes you just have to say FUCK!

I just do not understand him and I will figure this out with Barbara’s help, I am assuming he has mental and physical problems. I also assume he is involved with someone but follows me.

Why do you do that? Why not come to visit me, meet me? No expectations just talk and see what the fuck is really going on between us? I do not know about you but you got me all fucked up mentally and I do not know how I really feel but I do know I fell in love with virtual love.

You are really nothing more than a virtual “boyfriend” and I ask you to meet me but you will not, how about we plan to meet somewhere? Would that work for you? Bahamas? Some place like that? I really would like this to stop because it’s very hard for me as I want to be with you really bad. 

I don’t know what to feel or to think and that troubles me because life is great right now but it would be over the top if we met, come on let’s meet and get this anticipation over with.

Fascination

People have always fascinated me and he is really fascinating as he is so damn complex he is not an easy nut to crack and figure out. His anonymity makes no sense to me what so ever as I think I know who I am dealing with and if so I have no idea why he would waste time on me.

He had his girlfriend shit all over him so why keep hanging on to me? There’s no money for him here any longer and I have nothing to offer him but myself but that doesn’t seem to interest him either but I did talk to my counselor about how me met and he scammed me and we are still talking even though no money has changed hands for a long time and won’t ever again.

I really do wonder what he wants from me as he is so in love with AB why follow me and spy on me and shit? What the sam hell do you want from me? You have made it clear you have chosen AB so have at it for a while and if you think I am so conceited as to tell you that you and I will be together, well so far you have proven me wrong so that should make you quite happy.

Hell you know where I stand with you, I would like to meet you and talk to you and teach you to become one with yourself. Why you hide? Why don’t you come to me and be an adult for a change, surprise me 

New Phrase

Ok, I’m feeling silly and a bit goofy and my new phrase for feeling really good is “randy”, I’m feeling randy, lol hell see how simple it is to laugh at yourself? Yepper, gotta laugh at yourself, as I am sitting here naked with that heady sexual aroma that women have.

Having sex leaves the scent of the woman on the man to allure him back for more and don’t you know that shit works! Lol, I like being silly and I’m feeling so randy that I’m a giggle, lol. It’s a blah day and I’m watching the birds at the feeder and so enjoying the quiet.

It’s 8:30 a.m. and I’m eating a hot roast beef sandwich now that tells you about my eating habits, I eat pancakes for dinner sometimes as well. I believe if you like it and you want it, fuck it eat it and that’s how I eat as I will never be stick thin and don’t want to be as I am quite happy with myself thank you.

Wouldn’t you know it, I turn on the fucking tv and the movie “committed” is on, wtf? That reminded me of when I was hospitalized and how the dr. tried to talk me into shock therapy. Fuck that, no way as I know the effects thank you very much.

I so wish he could feel as good as I do because I think I got this shit licked, I think I have found the secret to personal happiness, holy fuck it’s so damn simple and it’s such a great feeling to be in touch with myself, well going back to bed for a while as it’s a lazy day.

Chain Smoking

The first things I do in the morning is pee and light a cigarette, good way to start the morning, lol. I have learned not to take myself so serious and to let go of the little shit that ways me down. I really enjoy my meditation sessions as they focus me immediately.

Centering yourself is important and it really helps to deal with the daily bullshit of life and the ups and downs that come with every day. I no longer get upset over silly stupid shit that isn’t worth my time and I no longer waste my days as I slowly get shit done around here.

Janet had a heart attack yesterday and she called me to tell me she was in the hospital, will have to call her and keep up on what’s going on with her. She has become some what of a fitxure in my life as she calls a lot and comes over most of the week.

She’s a very good person and a good friend I just wish I could do more to help her but I cannot at this time. She lives frugally because she has no choice but she is a trooper and she is a hell of a good person with a great heart.

Now I do not know about “him” as he is back at poking me on fb, he cracks me up as he always has to let me know when he is around. I don’t know if this makes him feel like he has some sort of contact with me or if he just wants to annoy the piss out of me.

He is a grin and he thinks he can hide, well there is no hiding from yourself and your desires and we can try to walk away from our emotions but they are right there never leaving us for a moment. I do not know if he gets inspiration from reading my posts or if he just wants to know what is going on in my life.

Things are great and are going great and this is not something I am used to but the tides do turn, life does not stay the same but continually changes from bad to good to bad to good again. I’m in the good phase finally and I am loving it.

It’s a fantastic feeling when you feel good, life is going great and everything is falling into place as it should. I do not know if “he” fears that I will burn and crash but he need not fear that as I have it all under control finally. I wake up feeling great and I like myself and I like him to but he prefers to stay hidden and miss out on what life has to offer him.

I really wish I could meet him and work with him on meditation and becoming centered, his world would be so much happier and he would start to like himself and not harm himself any longer. The answers lie before him but he refuses to drink from the stream of life.

I see he has mimicked me once again as I changed my theme on my blog and I guess he liked it so much he thought he would use it as well. I do wish he would change the background as that ugly brown is depressing, let’s keep it real and let’s keep it fun.

Heart To Heart

Heart to heart

Soul to soul

We have never

Touched but

We both already 

Know

The power of fate

The power of 

Life

Which grows like

A seed

You follow me

I have all

The answers

All the directions

All the control

I do not have

Any of these

But I have 

Found my way

And you will too

One day

I am not your

Savior

I am your friend

I am your destiny

And you already know

It within

 

Fine

All I can say is if you are fucking someone enjoy it while you can cause it isn’t going to last, got that? Ya, you enjoy it because shit gonna hit the fan in a couple of weeks and your new love isn’t going to be so fucking new and maybe you can get your head out of your ass for awhile. I believe in destiny and you bucko, are not going to fuck up our destiny, got that? God has intended us to cross paths and that is exactly what is going to happen so don’t give me any shit and just do as God has lead to do so far as bugging the fuck out of me. Just can’t leave me alone can you? That’s right you can’t because you are not sup