Bucket List

I have been watching the Bucket List and it makes me cry, I cry over sad movies but it was so awakening and make me realize what I really want and who I want to spend it with. It’s a shame we are so distant and it’s so important to find the joy in your life.

It’s hard for me to say what is in my heart as there is so much I could say but why? You have read it all before but just in case you have forgotten I want to be with you, listen to you, walk and talk with you, I want to laugh together, explore together, share together and be happy together.

We can do this, we can but we have to love each other enough to make the next move so I am here and maybe one day, maybe you will show me who you really are and want to get to know me and find out if I am real.

The Divine Comedy

The Divine Comedy, Italian La Divina Commedia, original name Commedia, long narrative poem written c. 1308–21 by Dante. It is usually held to be one of the world’s great works of literature. Divided into three major sections—Inferno, Purgatorio, and Paradiso—the narrative traces the journey of Dante from darkness and error to the revelation of the divine light, culminating in the Beatific Vision of God. Dante is guided by the Roman poet Virgil, who represents the epitome of human knowledge, from the dark wood through the descending circles of the pit of Hell (Inferno). Passing Lucifer at the pit’s bottom, at the dead-centre of the world, Dante and Virgil emerge on the beach of the island mountain of Purgatory. At the summit of Purgatory, where repentant sinners are purged of their sins, Virgil departs, having led Dante as far as human knowledge is able, to the threshold of Paradise. There Dante is met by Beatrice, embodying the knowledge of divine mysteries bestowed by Grace, who leads him through the successive ascending levels of heaven to the Empyrean, where he is allowed to glimpse, for a moment, the glory of God.

I am sure you have read it but why don’t you read it again? Please do and absorb the words……..

Hey Hey

You know I just realized we have so much in common, damn I never really thought about it but it’s like I am looking in the mirror when I think of you, damn fuck is that scary, two of me in this world, my my. You thought you were special now didn’t you, tell the truth, thought you had crazy cornered, well fuck off you don’t, ok?

You have no choice but to share that corner and I bet that just pisses you the fuck off, doesn’t it? Kind of feels good to think you are the only crazy and then well then it starts to get really fucked up and you finally seek help and you begin to do the hard work.

It’s good to know there are other people we “know” that are just as crazy as we are and it’s ok, it’s really ok but you have to accept what is and move the fuck on. I do not know what is going on with you but I think you are on the mend, o fuck you will be out and on the loose as well?

Fuck I’m packing and heading for the hills because two of me can really wreak havoc on the world. Baby, you got to laugh, laugh at life, laugh at yourself, laugh with others. I am really trying to encourage you and hope you have taken on some of my suggestions.

I know, I know, you owe me your life, can’t live without me and just love the sex, right?

Which

Is it? You want to know how much you can annoy the fuck out of me or how many times a day I am connecting with you by writing about or to your sorry ass? You are such a son of a bitch, you know that? You really are and one day I will kick your tight ass, I swear I will!

The Possability

I notice you have read no meaningful relationship for 11 times, are you questioning your own diagnosis? Are you seeing yourself in my description of bipolar? Well, then find another doctor and get a second opinion and with the right meds, things can change, really change.

When I finally excepted help and was diagnosed, I was so ashamed and embarrassed, I felt like such a reject and flawed person. I have accepted that I am a flawed person mentally but so many are flawed in other ways so none of us are perfect.

Do not get upset as you can control this illness with meds and yes I do feel so much better and I am happy, which I bet you are not and you are wondering but haven’t done anything about it yet, or have you? I hope you have and I do hope you have taken away something positive from my blog.

You do not need to be ashamed and you need not fear what can be controlled. I am not a freak and I am not a monster, yes I am slightly “colored” but what the fuck, that is just my personality and I kind of like it, in fact I like it a lot.

Are you in a wheelchair now? I hope not I realize you must be in so much pain at times with that fibro but hey just meditate several times a day and you can get control, honestly you can. I don’t want you to be sad or feel pain, I really do not.

He Doesn’t Get It

Shelby called and I knew that she wanted something because that is why she calls, Leo of course Leo is invoved, he wanted to talk to me even though Shelby told him I didn’t want to talk to him. He said he just wanted to apologize and I told her “he just doesn’t get it”, I accepted his apology but when a counselor sees him one time and tells him he needs to address his anger, well.

He just doesn’t understand his behavior has got to change, not the number of times he apologizes, hell even I know that and that is why I got help, my behavior was inappropriate, let’s say it nicely. I did tell Shelby that this is what she was going to have to deal with if she married him.

I told her “it only gets worse” and she might want to “rethink” marrying him, I think it’s great that they are living together at his parents, how appropriate for learning about marriage for young people. He is driving her fucking nuts with his fucking whining, constant crying and being annoying with wanting her to call me.

I believe his dad’s death when he was like 5 or 7 has never been dealt with and he does need to deal with that but my daughter will not continue this way, she wants to come home to get a break from him, I’m no fool. He is not going to be allowed over here and that is finally.

Shelby understands this too, and she also understands the importance of Barbara’s suggestion for Leo to deal with his anger. I told her it is going to be something she experiences and I thought he was going to hit me the one day.

I told her don’t underestimate the ability an angry person can and will go to. Hell, I told her about her grandma Pat, my mother, she was a fatal attraction for a few men and she has cut tires, left notes, made calls you name it even recording them under their own bed!

My mother was never to be trusted and she is still angry very angry so there is no room in my life for her. I am beginning to wonder if he isn’t afraid of his parent? That just hit me because I was so afraid to stand up to my mother for the longest time.

I don’t know but I do know one thing for sure and I sure as hell am not going to tell you because I cannot trust you with a bucket of shit right now. You will have to work for that little gem, just like the one on my body, but I am not waiting for you, I’m telling you straight up, nope.

Y

Are you reading all of my posts from both sites? Please do not copy them and try to sell them. I think I might be able to put together my own book of short story erotica and fantasies, who knows? Anything is possible and the way people love sex.

Are you trying to figure me out sexually as well as mentally? lol now that is a hoot because you will never know if what I have written is all lies or truths or both now will you? Who would believe a person like me even existed? Well you would have to meet me to find out.

God forbid that we ever meet shit you might fucking have a heart attack or something and of course I know cpr and how to take care of an attack victim, just my fucking luck! Sometimes, I wish I didn’t know what I knew, ya know what I mean, jellybean?

Well it sounds like you’re dating someone and you seem happy, good for you, not really but good for you anyway. I really do want you to be happy, I really do but don’t expect me to like it even though I have to live with it.

High Steppin’

That’s what I am doing, high steppin to stay out of all the bullshit and just live my quiet, unnoticeable life. I have tried to help others my entire life and sometimes I have had to take a break for my own sanity. I just have to dump this right now as it’s so fucking weird, some of the things I do, like for lunch I am making a blt, I cook the bacon in the microwave so it gets crisper.

I let the bacon cool and then I go back and eat of all the fat, lol how fucking stupid but it’s the best part the crispy flavorful part. Then I will make a sandwich later but I thought how fucking weird is that? It’s like I like to dip pizza crust into pop.

I know these are quirky but they are also funny when I think of how fucking stupid they are and some of the other stupid shit I have done or do. We are so interesting, the human race as we do things that makes us go hmmm.

Bob used to hmmmm a lot as he watched me do shit, like he was saying “so that’s an interesting way to do that”, like it’s a new concept but he wasn’t all that sharp when it came to life. Sorry Bob, you know it’s true so be dead with it and own it.’

Ya, I’m a fucking joy to live with, the only way to get out was to die, so my husband did. Just kidding, come on death can be joked about at times. Anyway, back to where I was, people need to realize that others will not stay in a situation that is no longer productive to them.

I have not walked away from “him” as a friend, I will always be there if he needs me, just like I was with Bob. I am just a call away but I am salvaging the remaining self respective that I have and I am living for me and me alone.

We both know there is no “us” so why pretend? I no longer will pretend but I am glad I had the experience because I learned a lot from you and you carried me through and I’m doing fine, really I am doing fantastic and I am happy, really I am.

I am living without you constantly on my mind and i am open to love so i hope you are happy because i am where you want me to be, aren’t I? I’m good with it, I really am and I do want you to find love and to be happy. Hey, be glad you aint that baby daddy, as they say in Detroit.

Hey Baby It’s Saturday

What am I doing on such a beautiful day? I’m fucking still cleaning this house, going through every scrap of paper and pitching shit, yep got the garbage can in my house and loading it up. I’m still running across shit of Bob’s but I’m ok with it.

I have finally come to terms with my husband’s death and moving on in a positive direction, there still is that occasional tear or memory jolt but they are becoming farther and viewer. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt because I wanted him to die, so I thought.f

I realized I didn’t want him to die but his illnesses to, I never had any anger towards him for very long, yes he did some fucked up things but most people do when they are rejected. I felt like my divorcing him was part of why he got so sick and died, but I know different now.

As far as the other one, well he has wanted me to know about his illnesses but didn’t have enough trust in me to be upfront and honest with me. I know all about rejection do to illness as I am living proof of the prejudice in today’s world.

I would have never rejected him for his illnesses, no I would have stood by his side and helped any way I  could. But that’s a different topic all together as I cannot name all the times I have helped with medical issues and it doesn’t matter anyway.

I can not help him as he must help himself first and maybe that is what he is trying to do, but if he wanted my help I would be there for him. That’s the way I am, I don’t get angry and stay angry I analyze the subject matter to fucking death.

Ok I get it he is ill and just got dumped by a gf knocked up with someone else’s child. That is a bummer I mean a huge fucking bummer especially for a guy. But the good thing is you didn’t marry her thinking it was your child and find out different down the road.

I don’t use the pregnancy card and never have, I no longer can have children anyway but the point being, women use it as a manipulation card. I feel bad for him but only he can deal with that pain and he has to focus on himself not on them.

He’s just making himself sicker then he should be and it is not worth it, not at all. I think the reason we have breakups is to teach us about death. I know that sounds messed up but relationship endings are a death, they are a death to the way of life as he knew it.

We become so comfortable with the way our lives are that when there is a major change it really throws us off and the same thing happens medically. We need to accept the death and work as fast on healing from it as we can.

People always say they will never fall in love again but they do because that is part of living, loving. Loving others is what the world should be about, what it used to be about but those days are gone and I am a dinosaur from that era.

I am of the soil,

I am of this earth,

I am the wind  

I am the rain

I am the snow  

I am the sun,

I am the clouds

I am the world

I am the universe

I am all of this

because God

made me this way

he made me this way

for someone special

just like you

I enjoy writing poetry, it makes me feel good and I can let out all of my emotions, poems come to me out of no where and I just type them. The poem above I just put together as I typed, it’s just about me being perfect for someone else.

Who that someone is, is an unknown factor to the equasion but will solve itself in time I am sure. I am quite content by myself and I know it does get boring but right now I am very content and it’s so peaceful I am really enjoying this day.

Dancing In The Streets

Life is full of passings, we pass each other every day, we pass the ketchup, we pass the jokes and we have relationships that pass through our lives. We invest so much energy and time into building a relationship with so many expectations that we end up getting hurt deeply when things go south.

It is hard for me to open myself up to love because I have never had it so it’s unfamiliar to me in many aspects. Every relationship I have had I have learned from and we are friends to this day no I do not see them but if I did we would speak kindly to each other.

Men seem to take break ups so much harder then women, women that know how to control their emotions and not kill his kids rabbit and cook it in his kitchen women. Ya some people go off the deep end and some do some really nasty and mean things but that is exactly what we learn from.

We learn our bad actions from others and those that just go on their merry way happy as a lark into another relationship are the ones we want to choke to death, as we do not want them happy when we hurt so bad inside. 

I am not fearful of a relationship or do I distance myself from love it just hasn’t showed up on my doorstep yet and it will in time I have no doubt. I no longer live my life waiting for others to repair there’s and get some balls and grab the brass ring in front of them.

No I go on my way enjoying the hell out of life and yes it gets lonely but so what? I can always keep myself occupied or amused. I will not let the broken heart syndrome keep me from being happy because I do not have a broken heart, slightly wounded but not broken.

You can not love a virtual not really as they are nothing but exactly that virtual, no feelings, no emotions, no physical displays of love. Virtuals are mind keepers, they keep your mind from seeking real love with a real person and sharing real times together.

I no longer hold a candle or even try to light it for “him” any longer I am purging myself of the remains of him by writing and letting it all pass between my fingers. I gave to much, kissed ass to much, believed to much and trusted to much.

Now I do none of those things and I can never love to much, not of myself at least. Happiness is something you have to work at just like a relationship and if one person cheats, well then the relationship was to end anyway. People do not come with a guarantee and no one is guaranteed a healthy relationship that is why we break up and divorce.

You have to learn to let yourself be happy with who you are and those that love you or are going to love you will come into your life at the right time, or you go into theirs at the right time. Do not expect people to wait for you to make a move as they will not wait forever.

If you have any feelings for someone then act on them now as tomorrow may never come and that is the truth, tomorrows have yet to come and why waste a minute of your life licking old wounds when you could be dancing in the streets?

Why are you still reading my blog? It doesn’t concern you anymore than I do, you had your chance so get the fuck out of my life already.