What am I doing on such a beautiful day? I’m fucking still cleaning this house, going through every scrap of paper and pitching shit, yep got the garbage can in my house and loading it up. I’m still running across shit of Bob’s but I’m ok with it.
I have finally come to terms with my husband’s death and moving on in a positive direction, there still is that occasional tear or memory jolt but they are becoming farther and viewer. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt because I wanted him to die, so I thought.f
I realized I didn’t want him to die but his illnesses to, I never had any anger towards him for very long, yes he did some fucked up things but most people do when they are rejected. I felt like my divorcing him was part of why he got so sick and died, but I know different now.
As far as the other one, well he has wanted me to know about his illnesses but didn’t have enough trust in me to be upfront and honest with me. I know all about rejection do to illness as I am living proof of the prejudice in today’s world.
I would have never rejected him for his illnesses, no I would have stood by his side and helped any way I could. But that’s a different topic all together as I cannot name all the times I have helped with medical issues and it doesn’t matter anyway.
I can not help him as he must help himself first and maybe that is what he is trying to do, but if he wanted my help I would be there for him. That’s the way I am, I don’t get angry and stay angry I analyze the subject matter to fucking death.
Ok I get it he is ill and just got dumped by a gf knocked up with someone else’s child. That is a bummer I mean a huge fucking bummer especially for a guy. But the good thing is you didn’t marry her thinking it was your child and find out different down the road.
I don’t use the pregnancy card and never have, I no longer can have children anyway but the point being, women use it as a manipulation card. I feel bad for him but only he can deal with that pain and he has to focus on himself not on them.
He’s just making himself sicker then he should be and it is not worth it, not at all. I think the reason we have breakups is to teach us about death. I know that sounds messed up but relationship endings are a death, they are a death to the way of life as he knew it.
We become so comfortable with the way our lives are that when there is a major change it really throws us off and the same thing happens medically. We need to accept the death and work as fast on healing from it as we can.
People always say they will never fall in love again but they do because that is part of living, loving. Loving others is what the world should be about, what it used to be about but those days are gone and I am a dinosaur from that era.
I am of the soil,
I am of this earth,
I am the wind
I am the rain
I am the snow
I am the sun,
I am the clouds
I am the world
I am the universe
I am all of this
made me this way
he made me this way
for someone special
just like you
I enjoy writing poetry, it makes me feel good and I can let out all of my emotions, poems come to me out of no where and I just type them. The poem above I just put together as I typed, it’s just about me being perfect for someone else.
Who that someone is, is an unknown factor to the equasion but will solve itself in time I am sure. I am quite content by myself and I know it does get boring but right now I am very content and it’s so peaceful I am really enjoying this day.