Feeling MT

I feel nothing today, I feel completely empty and abandoned but I have always felt abandoned so this is nothing new. I feel like I have been erased as if I do not exist as if I am not here just my body is as my mind is empty of any thoughts except my son.

He had a dr. appointment today and his meds were changed again but not to my liking. You cannot just stop meds they have to be reduced and then finally you are weened off of them. I do not like my son drugged up and I do not like the way acts dead at times.

This is all disturbing to me and makes me feel like such a failure as a mother as I brought him into this world, he has my dna and that is flawed at best. I do not feel worthy of having my children as I feel I have nothing good to offer them.

I hope this is a passing phase but since I talked to some asshole on the phone telling me “I wanted it” I have felt empty and violated. It’s as if he was raping me over the phone and that makes me sick, why would anyone talk to someone they do not know like that?

I am nobody’s whore and I do not appreciate being talked to like that. These assholes on fb and on skype say they want to “know me” why in the fuck do they want to know me? So they can get laid? That’s not going to happen so give it up already.

I have no problem talking dirty when I am having sex but I do not want people I do not know talking to me that way as it makes me relive the rape over and over and I prefer not to go there but the words are the words he said and they still linger in my mind.

Men have no idea the effect rape has on a woman’s mind, no matter how much therapy you have it always lingers in the mind and it can be brought to the surface with words. Men need to understand that being violated is the absolute worse thing that anyone can feel.

I do not know who is playing these sick games but he better stop because I am not impressed one bit and it is a total turn off and makes me not want to “speak” to anyone on fb or skype. Today, I have absolutely no feelings of love for anyone as my emotions have been erased today and I do not understand why.

I feel nothing I talk to no one and I hide from everyone in my house where I feel safe at least for the mean time as I am never safe and I know that. I wish I could feel happy today but I do not, as I said I feel nothing and I really don’t care about anything.

You can fly from France to the States and then to Australia without so much as a thought about me so I have very few thoughts of you if any at all. I have never hid a damn thing about myself yet you hide, what is the problem? Are you afraid because you have been hurt? If that is the case then leave my life and go repair your own.

You are hurting me and do not care and you play games which do not make you appear like a man that I would have any interest in. Like I have said I fell in love with a virtual not a man and the two are definitely not the same person.

I do not want to love you or the virtual and I do not want a relationship with you or the virtual, I just want you to leave me alone because it is not beneficial to my life to have you around. Go play with someone else’s emotions and feelings as I am off limits.

Clouds Part

I looked up and saw the clouds slowly part and then the sky opened up and I was looking at God. God said to me, “my child do not weep” and I began to shed tears and as they rolled down my cheeks a smile began to spread across my face.

I was not weeping from sadness,o no I was weeping because I was in the presence of our Lord and that made me feel heavenly, it made me feel weightless and I felt as if I were floating. The presence of God in my life has made me who I am and I am proud of what I have become.

So many do not believe in God until something terrible happens and then they call out to him. For all the people that gave up on God, God never gave up on you and never will. God is not a myth or someone who was dreamed up, God is here and now for all of us.

My counselor asked me today how have I been able to deal with everything that has happened to me and my answer was quite short and simple, God I told her God is with me when I laugh, when I cry, when I hurt, when I am helping another. God is with me right this second next to me and protecting me.

She understood how I could put so much faith in God and she could see how I have accepted what is to be and I spoke of him to her and then the session ended. I wasn’t able to finish our discussion but I do know God watches over him and protects him as well.

He doesn’t understand that I am his protector, he thinks I am totally crazy which is fine as that is what I have expected. I am not going to let him make me feel like I am crazy because I know better and so does God. I didn’t go looking for “him” quite the contrary.

“He” came looking for me, he chose me and he has pursued me for years yet he is to afraid to show himself. Why did you come looking for me? Why did you choose me? Why have you pursued me so? Ask yourself these questions and when you have the answers you will know your destiny.

No Me

Sometimes life moves on without us and that is what has been happening to me, I have let life move on without me and I can no longer do that. I have so much to offer the right man and I thought I had “met” him but I have lied to myself.

You can love a virtual, you can get lost in the flower garden, you can smash the flowers but they will bloom again as shall I. I am but a small speck of sand on the ocean bottom that no ones sees or feels and it’s time for me to come to the surface and wash ashore.

I admit it, I am hurting from the heart but I have control over how I deal and feel and I no longer want to deal or feel pain of the heart. I tried, I tried so damn hard I reached out to him and he rejected me for the one he was with at that time.

I am no ones second choice and I am not available to fill someone’s bored evening, ya look at my tits and crotch ya go ahead jack off or admire or puke whatever feeling moves you. I gave and gave and gave and now I can give no more.

I can no longer be part of the grand plan and I can no longer deal with things that have no value in my life. I tried to love you but you rejected me and now that you want me I do not want you, isn’t that ironic? I’m done trying I’m done begging and I am done kissing your ass and playing your games.

I am a woman you are a man we are no longer children playing in the sandbox. If you want to know me then fucking come to me and know me don’t hide behind other names and faces, do not waste time as your time does have a limit and your life is finite as is mine.

Do not think of me as a fool or a broken woman as I am neither but yes, you have hurt me and continue to play hurtful games even though you are not trying to hurt me. I am the type that can be hurt as easy as it is to put a dent in a feather pillow.

I am way to sensitive and way to emotional but I know that and I must deal with it but I have told you how I am yet you still do what you know hurts me.

Do not wait for me

as I wait not for you,

do not hold me high in the sky

as I hold you at knee height,

do not love me

as I will not allow myself

to continue to love you,

go on your way and pick

the prettiest of carrots and

the prettiest of peas,

eat from the garden of life

drink from the stream

smile at your reflection

you see only one

not two as you should

why only one?

because there is no

ME