I feel nothing today, I feel completely empty and abandoned but I have always felt abandoned so this is nothing new. I feel like I have been erased as if I do not exist as if I am not here just my body is as my mind is empty of any thoughts except my son.
He had a dr. appointment today and his meds were changed again but not to my liking. You cannot just stop meds they have to be reduced and then finally you are weened off of them. I do not like my son drugged up and I do not like the way acts dead at times.
This is all disturbing to me and makes me feel like such a failure as a mother as I brought him into this world, he has my dna and that is flawed at best. I do not feel worthy of having my children as I feel I have nothing good to offer them.
I hope this is a passing phase but since I talked to some asshole on the phone telling me “I wanted it” I have felt empty and violated. It’s as if he was raping me over the phone and that makes me sick, why would anyone talk to someone they do not know like that?
I am nobody’s whore and I do not appreciate being talked to like that. These assholes on fb and on skype say they want to “know me” why in the fuck do they want to know me? So they can get laid? That’s not going to happen so give it up already.
I have no problem talking dirty when I am having sex but I do not want people I do not know talking to me that way as it makes me relive the rape over and over and I prefer not to go there but the words are the words he said and they still linger in my mind.
Men have no idea the effect rape has on a woman’s mind, no matter how much therapy you have it always lingers in the mind and it can be brought to the surface with words. Men need to understand that being violated is the absolute worse thing that anyone can feel.
I do not know who is playing these sick games but he better stop because I am not impressed one bit and it is a total turn off and makes me not want to “speak” to anyone on fb or skype. Today, I have absolutely no feelings of love for anyone as my emotions have been erased today and I do not understand why.
I feel nothing I talk to no one and I hide from everyone in my house where I feel safe at least for the mean time as I am never safe and I know that. I wish I could feel happy today but I do not, as I said I feel nothing and I really don’t care about anything.
You can fly from France to the States and then to Australia without so much as a thought about me so I have very few thoughts of you if any at all. I have never hid a damn thing about myself yet you hide, what is the problem? Are you afraid because you have been hurt? If that is the case then leave my life and go repair your own.
You are hurting me and do not care and you play games which do not make you appear like a man that I would have any interest in. Like I have said I fell in love with a virtual not a man and the two are definitely not the same person.
I do not want to love you or the virtual and I do not want a relationship with you or the virtual, I just want you to leave me alone because it is not beneficial to my life to have you around. Go play with someone else’s emotions and feelings as I am off limits.