Mwaahhh

Enjoy your evening with your AB or S or whoever I really do not care and it doesn’t affect me one bit and I am no longer following your blogs as they are bullshit,  but just so you know, we could of had a great weekend if you would come to the campground this weekend but that isn’t going to happen but I extended the invite anyway.

Enjoy your fucking and hope life treats you well, goodbye

Endings

It’s hard to let go of people and things we are used to having in our lives as we are creatures of habit and change is not so easy for most. I don’t have a big problem with change, I could move today and it wouldn’t bother me one bit and I could walk away from everything I have it that wouldn’t bother me either.

The way I was raised taught me early in life that life is one big disappointment so do not get attached and you won’t hurt so much so that is how I have lived my life. No attachments, no pain but it still is hard to let go even of a virtual as it feels like I have lost a best friend.

I know that sounds stupid but when someone is in your life for several years and they know about everything that has happened in that time, it’s as if you have shared a very private part of your life with them and now it’s time to end that relationship and yes it has a bit of sadness to it.

There are always endings and new beginnings in our lives but some people do not know how to deal with the change and it really rocks their world. I am fortunate the only thing or person that ever rocked my world was “him”, yes I fell in love and I fell hard and I have never felt anything like that emotion before but I don’t go where I am not wanted.

I think I may have helped him through his divorce I do not know if I helped him at all but I think I might have but his bed has never been empty and neither has his heart as I have no doubt he has a woman right now on his mind and she isn’t me.

I do feel sad that we are parting ways finally but I can no longer stand in one place and it’s time for me to spread my wings and find my own happiness with someone who wants to share my life and has the same value system.

I am really a very traditional woman with untraditional sexual desires and that is a very uncommon combination. I am not a slut but do find being a slut in the bedroom keeps a very happy relationship and that is what life is about being happy with another

Fix

Ok if you changed the password on my backup book please change it back would you? Why do you spy on me anyway, do you actually think I would let you have access to anyone I am interested in? No way, I am more than cautious knowing you are on my computer all the time.

Just for your info I have several emails just like you and several computers that I use for my own privacy because you are always prying into my business, do you think you can fix the password on my reader as well since you changed that?

Do you think changing passwords and screwing with my computers is going to keep me away from other men? I have a home phone you know and you can’t do anything about that and you cannot control my life or who I see, you wanted me to go out well I am and I feel like a school girl again, so thanx for pushing me that’s exactly what I needed. 

Life is good, very good and thank you for ignoring me because now I am going out and back into the world again and I have no doubt soon enough I will replace the void in my heart that once was for you and you alone so do not feel guilty for fucking other women hell fuck away and enjoy yourself because that’s exactly what is on my agenda, thank you take care. 

My book is hooked up now and so is the reader so please fix them for me, you know you cannot stop me from talking to other people on the computer so don’t waste your time pulling that shit again, ok? You don’t want me but don’t want anyone else to have me, is that it? Well, hon it doesn’t work that way just remember all the women you have fucked in the last 3 years and you enjoyed every minute of it, so do not try to steal my thunder or rain on my parade.

It’s time to let go of me and time for me to move on and you know it and you also know you have no intention of meeting me nor did you ever so what is the problem now? You don’t love me and you know it, maybe you care a bit but not enough to return my money so as I see it you really don’t care at all, now do you? Just fix my shit, ok?

Amazing

I’m feeling better today and putting the last several days behind me as I refuse to let the past define who I am today. I will not let the past haunt me and disrupt how far I have come with my counseling, I will not take two steps backwards, absolutely not.

When you have been violated you feel like the entire knows and everyone is always looking at you even though this isn’t true. You just feel like everyone knows and it’s hard to put that thought into perspective but you must if you are ever to be able to face the world again.

Gabriel or who ever it is that is obsessed with me should be happy now that I am putting him or them behind me and moving on. I want to be happy and I will be happy with someone very soon, in fact sooner than anyone would have ever imagined.

I meet new people all the time and with attending court hearings on a regular basis I seem to meet some pretty nice people who are single or divorced. I have turned down many an invitation but I accepted one today and I am feeling pretty damn good about it.

The attraction is definitely there so that is a good thing and we laughed and joked in the hallway and it felt right and it felt good for a change. Gabriel wants me to move on so that is exactly what I am doing and skipping all the way. 

It’s amazing how much easier it is to put someone out of your mind when your mind is filled with thoughts of someone else. I wish I would have done this long ago but I wasn’t ready but now, hell ya I am so ready and looking forward to it.

My kids will be happy to know I have finally accepted a date and I am getting out of the house and it will feel good to wear my garter and stockings for a change as I love the feel of them and how sexy they make me feel, hell who knows I may live out one of my fantasies and that would be so damn fun.

I wish Gabriel would just forget about me and find his own happiness because that is exactly what I am doing, it would have been nice to meet him but that isn’t going to happen so I am not wasting anymore of my life on him but I do hope he is happy none the less.

Not Your Fault

It’s not your fault what happened to me and it’s not your fault for not knowing and it’s not your fault for assuming I was trash as that escort ad speaks for itself. There are things in our lives we are not proud of and that is one of mine but Cindy has no skills and she needed the money.

I am not perfect and have a lot of shit in my closet but I am trying to clean it out and rid myself of so much and I really am trying to be the best I can be, do you understand that? I am an open book and I hide nothing but most people hide so much.

You think you know someone when you really know nothing about them at all, you can be married for 18 yrs and find out you never knew your spouse at all as I did. People always want to show their best side because to see a person’s bad side isn’t attractive to us.

I am sorry I lashed out at you but this situation is quite difficult for me and if all you want is friendship then say so and let me be just that your friend. I have to take back control and not be so damn scared again and I am the only one that can do that.

I wish you would decide what you want and what role I play in your life and let me know because this isn’t fair to either of us especially me. Show me the real you for a change not the persona you show everyone else as I am not everyone else don’t you know that sweetie?

I Loved You

Yes I did but you didn’t want my love so I have taken it back, I no longer love you ok does that make you feel better? I will always care but loving you, no I will not do that again. You have pushed and pushed and pushed and I finally got it ok?

You pushed me completely away so I will not bother you and you need not mess with me anymore ok? I do not like to know that you have been hurt but I can do nothing about it as it is your life and your decisions and I have not been a decision for you.

Please Gabriel I am begging you to please stop and leave my life as there is no future for us and you know it. There is no money and there is no desire to have myself hurt time and time again. Please leave me alone as we both know you will never come to me so why waste your time?

Y

Why do you leave when you can’t handle the situation? Why do you tell me you care and then log of from one of your fake persona’s? What are you afraid of? I cannot hurt you but you seem to be able to hurt me regularly which is my own fault I know that.

What do you want please tell me

What

Gabriel, If you want to know me come meet me if you don’t than leave me alone, please I am not asking that much from you and I do not want anything from you.

What is it you want from me?

Never Again

You were suppose to love me and protect me, you were suppose to respect me and care for me, you were suppose to treat me right but no you have not done that. You have never been violated and have no idea the hell one goes through.

It’s hard enough to deal with the violation but then when someone chooses to open up that wound again they have no idea what they have done. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU HAVE DONE TO ME? You single handedly have made me fear being alone, fear of every sound and every creek in the house.

You have made me afraid to walk into a dark room or sleep alone and you have made me be afraid of being touched my a single person, even a hand on my shoulder makes me strike out at that person, that is what you have done.

Gabriel, this is my life you are toying with and you know what? Being raped isn’t funny one bit. I was punched in the face and left with a black eye, I had cuts and bruises everywhere, I had torn clothes and blood and skin under my nails from fighting. I stayed in a fetal position for a day and a half because I could not move that is what rape does to you.

You are constantly afraid and fearful of everyone and everything, you no longer feel safe anywhere or with anybody. You lose your self respect and your independence, you loose who you are and blame yourself for what happened. You cry and feel useless and undesirable, you cannot have a relationship for years because it takes that long to begin to deal with it.

Once you finally deal with it you put it away and forget until some asshole says something or does something that triggers the horrific memory of that night. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be raped and talked to like shit and then pushed out of a car in front of your apartment? 

Do you have any idea what it is like to walk into your apartment and lock the doors and barricade them with furniture while you take a shower for hours even when the water turns ice cold? Do you know what it is like to scrub your body with a scrub brush because you feel so fucking filthy?

Do you know what it is like to get out of that shower bleeding from scrubbing off your own skin because you just do not feel clean? You do not have a clue what it is like and thankfully you never will but I have and I am trying to leave that night were it belongs in my past.

NEVER EVER SPEAK TO ME THE WAY YOU DID, NEVER AGAIN YOU STUPID FUCK.