Never Again

You were suppose to love me and protect me, you were suppose to respect me and care for me, you were suppose to treat me right but no you have not done that. You have never been violated and have no idea the hell one goes through.

It’s hard enough to deal with the violation but then when someone chooses to open up that wound again they have no idea what they have done. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU HAVE DONE TO ME? You single handedly have made me fear being alone, fear of every sound and every creek in the house.

You have made me afraid to walk into a dark room or sleep alone and you have made me be afraid of being touched my a single person, even a hand on my shoulder makes me strike out at that person, that is what you have done.

Gabriel, this is my life you are toying with and you know what? Being raped isn’t funny one bit. I was punched in the face and left with a black eye, I had cuts and bruises everywhere, I had torn clothes and blood and skin under my nails from fighting. I stayed in a fetal position for a day and a half because I could not move that is what rape does to you.

You are constantly afraid and fearful of everyone and everything, you no longer feel safe anywhere or with anybody. You lose your self respect and your independence, you loose who you are and blame yourself for what happened. You cry and feel useless and undesirable, you cannot have a relationship for years because it takes that long to begin to deal with it.

Once you finally deal with it you put it away and forget until some asshole says something or does something that triggers the horrific memory of that night. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be raped and talked to like shit and then pushed out of a car in front of your apartment? 

Do you have any idea what it is like to walk into your apartment and lock the doors and barricade them with furniture while you take a shower for hours even when the water turns ice cold? Do you know what it is like to scrub your body with a scrub brush because you feel so fucking filthy?

Do you know what it is like to get out of that shower bleeding from scrubbing off your own skin because you just do not feel clean? You do not have a clue what it is like and thankfully you never will but I have and I am trying to leave that night were it belongs in my past.


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