Of The Body

We had a great time yesterday as we cooked potatoes and onions in the cast iron skillet and I made a lemon meringue pie and taught Ry how to make meringue and he put it on the pie. He stood in the kitchen eating the potatoes and onions and didn’t even wait for the chicken to be cooked.

We were both so damn happy he was home finally and we sat and watched several episodes of “Weeds” our favorite show to watch together and talked. We both were tired and went to bed and all I could think about was that my son was finally home.

I woke up and there was a big red pile in the middle of the living room floor, that pile was my son and when he woke up he said his bedroom was way to hot so he came downstairs. I was just so glad to have him home and we made buttermilk pancakes from scratch for breakfast.

Ry likes mini chocolate chips added to the batter and he scarfs them down. We went to the post office to get the mail and to the pharmacy to drop off his scripts came back home and waited for salvation army loaded up the air compressor and I have to see my probation officer later this morning.

We are headed to take care of some things but it’s so nice to have my boy home, he didn’t want Shelby to come home for a couple of weeks so it would be just me and him. We work well together doing yard work, cooking, laughing and sharing our time together.

There is nothing like your child to make you aware of how precious life is and there is no greater love than the love you receive from your child. Not all parents  enjoy their children and don’t want to be bothered but I say Bother Me, please because you will be gone in a blink of an eye.

Children grow up so fast and you have to grab every minute of every day that you can to enjoy them because time doesn’t wait, no time waits for no one and as I look at the kids pictures when they were younger I remember how they were always with me and how much I have always enjoyed them.

It saddens me to think Shelby will be gone the end of next year and Ry will follow several years later so I want to enjoy every second with them while they are still with me. Life is lonely when you are a widow and when your children leave it’s even harder.

I love my children so much but I know I have to let them become adults and live their own lives but I do know they will always be contacting me and I them. I so hope they grow into happy adults and do not settle for less than they deserve.


The Big D

We have experienced a great amount of depression in my household long before we built this house but I will start at 1999 when we moved in our new home. We had just gotten new carpeting and the new furniture hadn’t arrived yet and Ryan was sick and christened the new carpeting with his dinner of pizza.

He was just a little guy of 2 and things had been difficult living at my in-laws, now that was depressing to say the least. Things were going ok, not spectacular but bearable and we worked hard and many double shifts to hide our disappointment in where our marriage had gone.

I had my emotional melt down in 2000 I think it was, I couldn’t take being treated less than human by my boss as he constantly put me down, gave me every shitty job there was, refused to let me learn and grow as an electrician.

He kept me constantly filthy and covered with coke dust and treated me like I was an imbecile which finally took it tole on me emotionally. He accused me of being prejudice because he was Mexican and our “big boss” lost it over that.

He didn’t want to hear such bullshit and it was used by hourly people regularly but never salary and he was really pissed that a Foreman under him would try to use that card. We were in a meeting and when it was over I walked out and started crying uncontrollably and couldn’t stop.

I called my husband and he came to the south end of Zug Island and picked me up and took me to the hospital emergency room. They gave me a shot to calm me down but I was so distraught they admitted me into the psych ward.

The doctor that ran the psych ward was a doozy to say the least, he loved doing E.S.T. I think he enjoyed frying people’s brains to see what effect the e.s.t. had on each individual. I begged my husband not to give the doctor the ok to do that to me and he refused the doctors request.

When you’re in the psyche ward you spend all day in session and drugged up, there is always food and nothing else to do but eat or sit in the visitor room and watch tv. You see counselor’s that do not know you and they make judgements that are so off base.

I finally went home after several weeks and they sent me home doped up on  mind control meds and after a month I went back to work only to find out that my personal medical information had been shared with my co workers.

Someone had taken the label off a lighter that said “keep away from children” and they had placed it on my locker. That put me right back into crying mode and I went home, embarrassed and humiliated and the depression took hold.

I entered my home and went to bed and stayed there, I took the kids to  school and came home and stayed in bed until it was time to pick them up. They were on there own basically, I fed them and back to bed I went as I could do nothing.

Depression is beyond crippling it robs you of every emotion, every ounce of energy, forget caring about yourself and bathing. I ate rarely and stayed in bed without caring about anyone or anything and I finally emerged only to see the doctor.

I was a mess and my husband couldn’t help me and I didn’t think anyone could but I was fortunate enough to find a doctor that tried to help me and he did. I saw him for years until he died of a massive heart attack which really messed up my mind.

My own doctor left me and that reopened the abandonment wound again. Children cannot be traded like baseball cards and you cannot leave them in parking lots for someone else to take them home and care for them as was done to myself and brother and sister.

I have spent years in counseling on and off and the depression was never far behind but I do know one thing, I have finally slain that dragon and now know how to deal with it if it rears it’s ugly head again. Medication and counseling alone will not wash you clean and free your soul.

It really helps a lot to have someone around that has lived through it as they don’t try to pacify you or make you do things you do not want to do. They crawl into bed with you and try to get you to talk, take your meds and they listen.

Depression is an all consuming illness that is very painful to those around you as well to yourself as you feel nothing, absolutely nothing inside. It takes years to control it and it can get away from you if nobody is watching or cares.

When those around you pay attention they can catch the dragon before he can lift his head and yes they can help you if they so chose. There are different degrees of depression and you can go from zero to one hundred in nothing flat if it isn’t caught early.

Depression can be beat, it really can but you have to be surrounded by those in the know that love you and have the ability of early detection and the desire to help you before you melt into nothing. I have beat it and I never thought I would but I have an I survived.