Risks and Chances

I am finding myself to be more adventurous these days as I am coming out of my self confined shell. I have kept myself from the world for a very long time as healing as been my main focus as well as my spirituality. I seem to have focused on letting go and enjoying life.

I have been so afraid for so long and I do not know what the hell I have been afraid of because I am not one that scares easily. Maybe it’s the being a single parent and fearing the mistakes that I make with my children because it’s so hard to do the best you can without hurting your kids.

I’ve been fearful to bring a man to my home to meet my children and I just haven’t been ready for that so I have not gone out seeking companionship. I am finally spreading my wings and flying, maybe I’m still learning to fly but at least I am trying.

Going to NY is a huge step for, gigantic in fact because I think he thinks he’s going to have a fuck buddy and that isn’t me. I am not expecting anything to happen, I do not expect to have that wonderful feeling of “clicking” with another.

It would be nice if I could drop some quarters in a “man machine” like a pop machine and choose my flavor but life isn’t that easy.I have such a unique personality as I am so many personalities in one and I can come off as a bitch when I’m joking.

People do not know how to take my humor but my kids know when I’m pissed, even they do not know for sure if I’m joking or serious half the time. I have to be careful what I say to my kids because they believe me when I’m joking.

I told Shelby the way to get rid of crabs, shave on side light the other side on fire and when they go to the shaved side you stab them to death with a fork and she believed me for the longest time. I know longer joke like that about serious shit because they believe me.

I can make anyone believe anything when I’m joking around because I can be so serious, I know that really messes some people up but what the hell, it’s a fucking joke don’t take it to heart. I hope this gent has a sense of humor and laid back personality because hyper people really get on my nerves.

I have a hyper friend and she can’t sit still for a second, drives me fucking crazy trying to follow her with my eyes and talk to her. I tell her sit her ass down or I’m leaving them she sits and starts with the pencil tapping on the table, omg give it a fucking break take a xanax and chill hon.

This NY trip has been on my mind so much as I keep going back and forth if I should go or not, I know I should go but this is scary for me. I mean who the hell gets on a plane to meet someone they don’t even know in a city they have never been too?

I’m not going to back out of this trip because I am doing everything I want to before I die and if it means crossing into unfamiliar territory, then I guess I’m crossing. I’m going sky diving, water rafting and God knows what else but I’m living life to the fullest.

I cracked up when I asked him if he wanted to marry me and he said idk, as if I was serious, lmao. Marriage is not something you do over the internet, hell I am in no way ready for marriage not in the least. I have to learn how to date as I do not know what or how I am suppose to act.

I don’t know if I should just let the evenings unfold or keep control of the situation so I am not put in a situation that will be uncomfortable for me. Then there’s the problem if we do click because I cannot move to NY and he cannot move here.

I cannot see myself in a long distance relationship that is based on phone calls and texts and I cannot run off to NY every other week. Things are very touchy for me right now getting the kids back and I have to be careful of what I do or say.

I have to look into a Disney Cruise in February as that will be the last trip the kids and I can take together for a very long time. Shelby graduates and she will be gone, hell she is going to be 18 in January and Ry will be 16 in feb. I can’t believe how fast they have grown.

It’s a difficult situation to be in when you have children and want to have a relationship with another person because your kids will always be your kids but will your partner always be your partner? I do not do the cheating game and I do not take chances with my heart.

I doubt that there will be a connection between the two of us but that is ok because you cannot expect to have a relationship with the first person out of the stable. I still have feelings for someone somewhere but do not know the real him and never will so he is turning into dust and my heart is ok.

I have to be so damn careful because being a giver can get you into a  lot of trouble and people will take advantage of that. I figure it this way, keep me in fruits and veggies and I will be happy, lol I know I am such a simpleton.

I have always been afraid of takeing risks and chances because I was never encouraged to do a damn thing, hell my mother never even looked at my report card but she always was checking my sister’s out. I know it sounds like I am jealous of her but I really am not.

My sister lives way beyond her means and she is not happy and never will be. Being gay is a hard life and her lovers have been nothing but users. Hell, she adapts to them even going as far as thinking she wanted to be jewish.

She tattooed the jewish sign on the back side of her wrist, fine be jewish today and in a month she will be a fucking buddhist, then a monk probably who knows and who cares. My sister really screwed me over but I am not like that.

I have involved her in the legal matters involving my dad, which I did not have to do but she is my dad’s child never the less. I had a step sister named Rosemary, her mother Cookie as we called her died of a heroin overdose, nice mom but she was nice to us when we were little.

I really hope NY is a good time, I need laughter and relaxation and I need to share time with another adult for a change. My son sticks to me like glue always telling me he loves me as if I am going to disappear, it was really hard on him being away from me for so long.

Scott and I had a talk about our next move once the judge drops the felony charges and Scott is a grin, he is so damn smart and sneaky as hell when he needs to be. I really like him so much as a person, he is so far and honest. He said to me that I am keeping him busy with all the break ins I get busted for, I had charges brought against by Cindy for basically B and E.

Cindy was trash pure and simple the girl would fuck anyone for fifty bucks and the ad I put up was because if you saw Cindy in real life you would see a broken now drug addict, alcoholic, thief and liar. She uses everyone she comes into contact with.

Someone once asked me why I thought all these bad things were happening to me, well I have finally got the answer. For every bad thing that has happened something extraordinary good has also happened or is happening. I am no quitter and will fight to the death when sometimes maybe I should just give up and give in but that isn’t me.

My friends know how ugly I can get when someone fucks with them or my family other than that I am pretty laid back but I do so love to joke and my son and I agreed I am the funniest person I know. I love a good comedian or joke and Big Rick is always coming down to check on me and tell me his latest dirty joke.

Big Rick always calls and checks on me to see if everything is ok down here as he lives up the street with wife Lynn. Lynn works at the main hospital downtown and has helped Bob get transferred down there so many times. It usually takes several days to get a transfer but Lynn is able to move it to the same day.

I know I am all over the place with my writing this am but I couldn’t sleep and just started typing like I usually do. I am quite blessed and thankful for everything I have and have been through because that is what builds character.

I just wish people would realize even though the strong survive they still need affection and love, we are not made out of titanium.I just hope that “Mr. Wonderful” is up to having me around because I can be a handful for sure.

I just hope we have time to just relax and talk, drink some beer and wine and eat carry out in bed watching movies. I know, I am way to exciting but I am tired-no I am mentally exhausted and just need to get away and focus on myself for a bit.

It’s draining being a single parent as there is so much to do when you have kids in private high school, books to order, clothes from a specialty store, car to purchase, tuition to pay, driving them where they need to go and on and on.

Ryan has a friend that is a Junior and he was telling me he might be going to the prom with her. It’s so cool my son tells me about his “girl friends” he is so open with me about them and that is fantastic, now Shelby well that girl is one tough nut to crack.

I tell her things and she just smiles as if she is listening but is going to do what she wants to anyway. Both kids are gifts from God and I would be so lost without them. What am I going to do when they are gone? I miss them already.

I am sure I will survive but it is not going to be easy I know that, I am going to be the mom that cries because her daughter has moved away and then her son. I hope I have love in my life by then because I am willing to take those risks and chances.

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