Words

Words are wonderful tools and without them we would have no communication with one another, which now that I think of it that isn’t a bad idea in many cases. Most people have no interest in words or their meaning and they find no interest in reading what so ever.

I adore words and their meanings and I really adore reading and learning new words. I have a very difficult time meeting people of interest because the lack of wanting to expand the mind is not part of their make-up. I find no interest in listening to people talk endlessly about their work.

I am not stuck up or think I am better than others but I do get so bored with people as they have nothing to say or what they say is so damn repetitive and boring. I love reading and writing and I have a hard time meeting anyone with those interests.

Most people cannot express themselves through the written word and writing is a talent that most do not have. I am not saying I am a fantastic writer as I am not but I can write to a certain degree and if I set my mind to it I could turn my blog erotic fantasy life into a book of short stories, at least I think I could.

My husband always hated to see me read and constantly interrupted me because I found a book more interesting than he was. I never saw him read a newspaper, book, flyer, magazine or anything in the 17 1/2 yrs. of marriage.

When he passed away and I read something I had written just for him and his funeral, I thought to myself the best place for me to put this is in his casket with him. I left the papers in the casket knowing they would turn to ash as his body would do during the cremation.

Without words, life would be rather boring and words are cool, words are unique and words are expressive such as I love you, you are a fucking moron, Let’s have sex. Words are what excites me and to be able to use them to touch another may it be good or bad, words are fun.

Looking Beyond

I looked beyond the sunset

I looked beyond the sea

I looked beyond tomorrow

I looked beyond you and me

I saw the light of love

I saw the ocean of blue

I saw a piece of me

I saw a piece of you

I could hear the quiet whisper

Of a powerful man you see

He said my dear child

Love will soon be

Holding you closely

Giving you laughter

And giving you fun

Look beyond today my child

As what you dream is surely

To come

Destine To Be

I am very spiritual and believe strongly in God but I am not a “Jesus Freak” or pound the pavement trying to get others to believe in my beliefs. I am a “quiet” believer in God as I carry him within my heart but do not speak of what I believe in to others.

Everyone has the right to believe in their own form of “God” and I believe God has a plan for each and every one of us. I believe that God protects and watches over me and I believe he has chosen who I shall spend the rest of my life with.

I am a one man woman and do not take relationships lightly, I am totally committed or not committed at all and that is how I am when I am involved with someone. That person becomes the only one that gets my affection and I find that hard for others to do.

I want to be of help to the person of my affections and I want to see that their life is happy and I am always there for them. I accept them for who they are and do not try to change them as I do not want anyone to try and change me.

I have my quirks like most people but nothing dramatic or out of the ordinary, I love to make people laugh and make them happy and I enjoy taking care of the one that is receiving my love. Love is defined differently by each person but I believe it is respect, caring, helping, understanding, communication and so much more.

I want love in my life and I want to share my life with another, I have reached the point that I am ready for a relationship. It’s been a year and one half since my husband passed and I have not been with a man since he passed.

You know when you are finally ready to get involved and for me it’s been a hell of a long time but yes I am ready and I know that I am ready to love someone and to be loved by them. I want to be held so bad and feel the arms of a man around me.

I want to lie in bed next to man and feel loved, really feel loved and I want to have fun and enjoy life with another. I hadn’t realized that life without love is quite barren until recently, yes I do want to be loved and to love and I want to laugh and be silly.

I do not know why God is keeping the man of my affections from coming to me but I do believe everything happens when it is suppose to and not a minute sooner. You cannot speed up what God controls and you cannot make things happen before their time.

We are destine to be together one day as that is what God has planned for both of us. He set the wheels in motion three years ago and they are still spinning. One day I will be with my soul mate and that day cannot come soon enough.

Let Me Love You

I used to hate myself, yes I did as so many others do. It falls under low self-esteem and that is where the self-hatred hides itself. You  loathe who you are and your illness, you loathe people around you and your family, you loathe yourself.

Self hatred can destroy a person and you do not dream or have wishes, you do not look forward to anything and you look in the mirror and want to scream. Hating who you are is a very difficult place to remove yourself from but can be done.

I have learned to love myself and I have done it by letting someone else actually “love” me, yes when you allow someone else to love your life changes. How could this be you may ask and my answer is this: someone who loves you shows you the way to happiness.

Letting someone actually love you changes your outlook on life and yourself, everything becomes colorful and wonderful, life becomes exciting and fun. You have to learn to love yourself and spending time with someone who loves you.

Love is a wonderful and when you are loved by someone they take notice of all your good points and they tell you and show you. Love is a healer as love can build you back up and make you feel good about yourself but you do not need to be loved by another to love yourself.

I have accepted who I am and I’m ok with who I am, I do not need anyone to accept me as I have accepted myself and that is fucking awesome. Yes, I love me and I have let me love me and no one can knock me down again.

You cannot let others rain on your parade, you have to take a stand and not let anyone say things to you that may tear you down. No, you walk away from that shit and remind yourself that you are special just like everyone else and no one can hurt you.

You have to remind yourself that you are invincible and you control your destiny to a certain degree. You cannot let yourself pull yourself down and under into the darkness. No one is ugly and useless, no one should ever hate who they are as we are all special, yes even you.

Bipolar Bad Ass

I am writing about bipolar disorder because it’s time to celebrate and share how well I am doing. I didn’t talk about it for the longest time because I was so afraid that I would have a major set back but that has yet to happen.

I was doing some really fucked up things when I was ill, I was meeting men that I didn’t know but all I did was smoke some weed with them. One guy wanted me to put on his x wifes fur coat and that was weird so I didn’t do it and made some excuse to leave.

I got scammed out of 23 grand, yes you read it right, 23 thousand dollars because I was so “in love” with a no name no face person on the internet. I was so desperate for love that he got me at the perfect time in my life, when I was weak and vulnerable.

When you are ill you feel so bad about yourself and when someone starts to build you up you grab a hold of them like they are a life saver. You get caught up in the bullshit they lay on you and you start to have feelings for someone you have no clue who the fuck they are.

You forget shit and lose stuff, go on spending sprees and sex sprees, you are very loud and appear disoriented, which you are at times. The mania keeps you up for days and you are wound for sound until the lows hit you with the force of a locomotive.

Depression sucks you down and you have no desire to do a damn thing and when it’s really bad, you do not shower, brush your teeth, hair and you have no desire to take care of your hygiene what so ever. You have no desire to do a damn thing and only do what is absolutely necessary.

You walk through the days without any desires at all and you  care about nothing or anybody, you are just walking dead. The depression makes you feel so down that suicide is the only escape or so you think at the time.

I was going to hang myself, I had the rope hanging from the garage door frame and had the dead man’s noose ready to go and Bob, my husband came home and stopped me. I was so ready to hand myself and I wasn’t thinking twice about it either.

But those days are gone, yes they are behind me and I am well, finally I am feeling great ok maybe not great but pretty damn good about myself. It’s a very hard illness to control and I have been trying to control it since I was diagnosed in 2002.

It’s been ten years of pure hell but I have finally gotten the beast under control and I am aware that I could succumb to the illness again. I keep a strict eye on myself and take my meds, see my dr. and go to counseling.

When you are down you cannot see up and do not believe you will ever feel better again but there is hope even though you may think there is none. If the truth must be known and it must if you are not getting better then you have several options.

First, let your doctor know that the meds aren’t working and if he/she doesn’t change your “cocktail” to your liking by the fourth time then it’s time to change doctors.Do not hesitate to change your doctor or voice your concerns.

For those that prefer holistic meds add marijuana, yes I know we have been programmed to think marijuana is a bad drug. Look at the side effects of all your meds and you will find that marijuana is so much healthier for you as is other naturals.

Smoking weed really does help as it relaxes you and puts you in a euphoric state of mind. Yes, it helps hell it helps a lot and is quite beneficial, I find it to be a “friend’ that cares and helps me unwind and chill out for a while.

My father passed in January and him and I would smoke weed together as we talked and he taught me new things. He was big into holistic medicine and he could control pain like no one I ever knew, he passed at home from colon cancer and I gave him hash laced joints for the pain in the very end days.

My dad was 74 when he passed and he smoked weed his entire life and he didn’t think twice about smoking and he accepted everyone for who they were. My dad’s IQ was off the charts and he created new laws, worked on a secret project for the govt, and he came up with money saving ways for a hamburger chain.

My dad knew I was ill and he tried to help me and keep me focused, he could tell when things were not going good for me and he knew when the mania had taken hold of me. My dad was someone special and I knew him as a man not a father.

He had me try different herbs and such to help me and he loved me even though he never said it. My father and I had no relationship until six years ago and the relationship we had built was special and I miss him so much but he accepted me for who I was, illness and all.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you cannot get better as that is a fucking lie, there are those that get better and I am here to stand up and say “fuck you I am better and you cannot knock me down”. Never give up and let go, never accept what others say.

I am the proverbial bipolar bad ass as I have overcome adversity and I have become one of the few that have gotten that bastard under control. You can never give up or give in because it’s up to you and you alone to take a stand and get help.

 

Bipolar Shadow

Bipolar Shadow

I live with bipolar disorder as do so many others but I am one of the fortunate ones as I have it under control finally. I have learned to not tell anyone that I may get involved with about the illness as I have found that I am judged immediately.

I prefer total honesty but that cannot be when you are wanting to be involved with someone. People frown upon mental illness and just the word drives people away so fast. You are not judged fairly and you already have one major strike against you.

I look back on my actions and how my own husband treated me and I can say he made things so much worse for me then needed to be. Playing mind games with someone who is ill is not helpful one bit even if you think it is and you are trying to control the person.

I used to talk very loud and my moods would swing like crazy and I would be happy one minute and mean and hateful the next. I could stay up for days and found myself having conversations with no one, I tried to talk to Bob but he never would listen.

He would hide my cell and my keys and tell me I misplaced them, he would steal my phone when I was sleeping and I caught him once. That is when I realized I wasn’t a nut job but he was doing everything possible to make me think that.

He didn’t want me on the phone talking to strange men or meeting strange men, he wanted to control my every waking moment and he would have like to control my dreams as well. He seriously thought he was helping me when he was obviously making me sicker.

You cannot control a bipolar person, no that is why they have doctors and take meds. Bob was never the great intelligent type to begin with but he could have called my dr. but he chose to move things, steal things and lie to me and make me feel like I was going crazy.

I now have this illness under control but I still have the bipolar shadow that will always follow me, the stereotype that follows the illness as well as knowing that it hides in the shadows just waiting for a moment to sneak out again.

When you finally get control of the “dragon” you always have to remember that it lurks in the dark waiting for it’s great escape. When you accept the fact that you must pay attention to yourself so much more closely than the average person then you are doing damn good.

Meds are mandatory, no if’s and’s or but’s and keeping dr. appointments is paramount as well. As long as you follow protocol things go well when you finally have your “cocktail” of meds right. People must realize that causing stress for someone with bipolar is not a good thing for them. 

You can so easily be pushed over the edge and anyone that does that is really selfish. I am constantly reminding myself that my illness is in the shadows and it is up to me and me alone to keep it there. I am happy and healthy and that is all I can ask.

I am not overly happy just happy enough to enjoy the little things life has to offer but it would be so nice to have someone to share these moments with. Maybe, maybe one day I will find the love that I want but until that day I keep moving on with a positive attitude.

Forget It

I was going to go to NY but I see no reason to spend money to meet someone that works until 8 p.m. and has no time for me anyway. He just wanted to get laid and that is just wrong as far as I am concerned and I was not good enough to stay with him and he doesn’t have a car.

This is not the type of person for me not at all and I am glad I have walked away from that situation. I want a relationship and I want to meet someone that is ready for a relationship but not necessarily ready to jump in head first.

I’m in no hurry to get involved with anyone but if you are reeling from a bad relationship then I am not the person to pick up those pieces. I have picked up my own life’s pieces and I am ready to move on but not desperate and not jumping in.

I have learned to be more cautious which I have demonstrated by changing my mind about NY. I do not want to be someones fuck and good time, no I am not going to be either. As far as “him” well he is no more and never will be again.

I miss him but one must do what is best for themselves and that is what I am doing. It would have been nice if we had met and found out if there was a mutual attraction but we did not and that is just the way it went. I still believe God has meant for us to be together but I no longer wait for him and will never wait for anyone again.

When you wait for three years and there is no meeting then it’s time to shelf it and I have had no choice but to do just that. I just move through the days and do what I must but I still have days that I am down in mouth so to speak.

I wish to no longer wish to meet him or waste time thinking about what could have been or could be but that will never happen so do what makes me happy and makes me feel good about myself. He no longer rules my decisions as you can see by me almost going to NY.

At this point Im looking for a guy friend, someone to hang with and have fun with, I so like men and get along with them so much better then women. It would be nice to hook up with someone and just be friends without the expectation of sex.

I do not want a relationship based on great sex alone and I want to have a meeting of the minds if that is possible. Fucking is not something you base a relationship on as even sex does tend to get old with the same person after awhile.

I tried so hard to liven up Bob’s and I sex life but he was so rigid there was no excitement allowed, no he just wanted to cum and go. There was no cuddling, kissing or touching and I was always left feeling empty and alone.

I want a rich relationship, rich in communication and love one that is all encompassing and consuming on both parts. Someone that will take the time to understand and to listen and who let’s the kid out and loves to laugh and share.

I do not want the perfect relationship, no I want the arguments and disagreements because that is what builds a relationship, how you deal with disagreements. I’m so go with the flow most of the time but there are times I put my foot down and you cannot budge me.

Maybe one day I will find my soul mate and we will live happily ever after and enjoy our lives together but as for now, things are just go from day to day with uneventful moments through out the day and court of course. I will have my record wiped clean come December which is a good thing.

 

Just Another Tuesday

I woke up to the sound of the alarm and I shut it off and rolled over and went back to asleep until 9 a.m. and I would have stayed in bed if I hadn’t had to pee so bad. I got up and Ry was making brownies and listening to talk radio.

It’s nice to wake up and he is home, it’s comforting and just plain nice to have my son back. Shel is spending the night Wed. and taking me to the hospital on Thurs. for my procedure and the girl from Family First was here yesterday and she will be back on Wed and Fri.

She asked about support I had and asked me about family members and I told her I had no family, which is essentially the truth. My sister and mother are alive but they are not supportive and we do not have a relationship so they do not count.

She kept saying how sad it was that I had no family and that she has never had a case where there were no family members alive. Gee lady rub salt in the wound, hell make it kosher salt and really rub it in as if I am not reminded daily that I have no one.

She asked me if I had a “significant other” as in if I was dating and she asked about abusive relationships, there are none I told her and I told her my husband had only been dead a year and half and I had not started to date yet.

Yes, I was involved in abusive relationships when I was in my late teens and early twenties but I didn’t tell her about Bob trying to push me down the basement steps and Ry watching the entire episode at the bottom of the stairs.

These people want to know everything and the less I tell them the better and I do not let anyone abuse me any longer and haven’t for over twenty years, except Bob. He wasn’t a violent man but a very hurt man when I said I was leaving him.

We had a functional relationship, we functioned and that was it, we were dysfunctional if I want to be totally honest. I never want another relationship like that again and will not get involved with anyone that is like Bob. He wasn’t a bad man just not the man for me and I have accepted the fact that I made the choice to marry him even though I should have dug further into his life before putting that ring on my finger.

I miss him at times but not so much anymore and I no longer feel any guilt over his death which I am grateful for. I have ordered Shelby a thumbie for Christmas, it’s a necklace with her dad’s thumb print on a “charm” and on the back I had his birthday put at the top hers in the middle and the date of his death at the bottom.

It represents his love for her and even though he is gone the thumb print is a reminder that he is always with her. I know one day she will marry and she has no one to walk her down the aisle but me or her brother and it will probably be Ry walking her.

He is part of his dad and that is as close as she will ever get to her dad again. When people ask me to tell them what is good about my daughter my response is quite simple, do you have days to listen and list all that is good about my kids?

There is nothing “bad” about my children or any child for that matter, as we shape our children and they learn from us and cannot be held accountable for what others find to be “bad” about them. I remember when I was pregnant with my little girl and Bob said what if she is deformed or is a Mongoloid? I told him I didn’t care as she was my child but God took her so there was never an issue.

 

Just Another

Why in the hell am I treated like I’m just another piece of ass? Why can’t I meet someone who will treat me right? Why are men such assholes? I started to like him but then I got thinking something isn’t right and I am not paying an arm and leg to fly to see him.

All I am is a piece of ass to him and that makes me ill to think of myself that way. I am so much more than that but I’m not looked upon that way.

Signature Required

My son suffers from debilitating migraine headaches and there are no medications available to him that help him at all. I am a compassionate person and mother and as a mother it is my responsibility to help my child at any cost.

We have had several in depth discussions regarding compassionate medical care which is smoking medical marijuana. As a parent do I ignore my child’s relentless suffering or do I help him obtain a legal medical marijuana card?

Doctors are so against marijuana but they push damaging pharmaceuticals without any problem as they usually get kick backs from the company’s. In Michigan we cannot even sue a pharmaceutical company for damages caused by their medications even though they are well aware of the side effects.

My daughter is a perfect example of what gardisil can do and did to her as she passed out and snapped her jaw off her face. She had to have emergency surgery to wire her mouth shut after her surgery and yes she did get compensated only because the government makes these company’s set a fund aside for “compensation”.

So here I am with a child that has terrible migraines and has bipolar disorder and M.M. could help him so much instead of all the poison both of us are putting in our bodies and the side effects could literally kill us. Our meds cannot be stopped dead, no you must slowly cut back on the milligrams until you are off completely.

So here I sit going back and forth in my mind what should I do for the best of my child? How much fighting am I going to have to do to get him a card? How much bullshit is the dr. going to give me and me telling him straight away I do not like the poisons being put in his body?

What is a mother to do? Only the best thing she thinks for her child that is what a mother is to do.