Bipolar Shadow

I live with bipolar disorder as do so many others but I am one of the fortunate ones as I have it under control finally. I have learned to not tell anyone that I may get involved with about the illness as I have found that I am judged immediately.

I prefer total honesty but that cannot be when you are wanting to be involved with someone. People frown upon mental illness and just the word drives people away so fast. You are not judged fairly and you already have one major strike against you.

I look back on my actions and how my own husband treated me and I can say he made things so much worse for me then needed to be. Playing mind games with someone who is ill is not helpful one bit even if you think it is and you are trying to control the person.

I used to talk very loud and my moods would swing like crazy and I would be happy one minute and mean and hateful the next. I could stay up for days and found myself having conversations with no one, I tried to talk to Bob but he never would listen.

He would hide my cell and my keys and tell me I misplaced them, he would steal my phone when I was sleeping and I caught him once. That is when I realized I wasn’t a nut job but he was doing everything possible to make me think that.

He didn’t want me on the phone talking to strange men or meeting strange men, he wanted to control my every waking moment and he would have like to control my dreams as well. He seriously thought he was helping me when he was obviously making me sicker.

You cannot control a bipolar person, no that is why they have doctors and take meds. Bob was never the great intelligent type to begin with but he could have called my dr. but he chose to move things, steal things and lie to me and make me feel like I was going crazy.

I now have this illness under control but I still have the bipolar shadow that will always follow me, the stereotype that follows the illness as well as knowing that it hides in the shadows just waiting for a moment to sneak out again.

When you finally get control of the “dragon” you always have to remember that it lurks in the dark waiting for it’s great escape. When you accept the fact that you must pay attention to yourself so much more closely than the average person then you are doing damn good.

Meds are mandatory, no if’s and’s or but’s and keeping dr. appointments is paramount as well. As long as you follow protocol things go well when you finally have your “cocktail” of meds right. People must realize that causing stress for someone with bipolar is not a good thing for them. 

You can so easily be pushed over the edge and anyone that does that is really selfish. I am constantly reminding myself that my illness is in the shadows and it is up to me and me alone to keep it there. I am happy and healthy and that is all I can ask.

I am not overly happy just happy enough to enjoy the little things life has to offer but it would be so nice to have someone to share these moments with. Maybe, maybe one day I will find the love that I want but until that day I keep moving on with a positive attitude.

2 thoughts on “Bipolar Shadow

  1. Mind if I follow you? I love to see positive news about illness under control. I am at that point too. I have put off posting about my current health condition because I am afraid that as soon as I say that I am under control and doing well, it will pop up again and I will eat my words lol.

  2. Pingback: I Hate What I’ve Become « The Curse Of The Single Parent

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